Do LDR's in your late teens work?

[HangOnThere]

I used to be very good friends with somebody who I meet on vacation. She lived about 4 hours from my state in the US. We were such good friends and we had so much in common, it was like a little dream. It wasn't really young love, it was something that you can project in the future and believe you'd be husbsnd and wife (as strange as that sounds).

 

When we got home, we were a little disheartened because we wanted to speak more on holiday. She was actually only on holiday 2 days before I left. She's 17, I'm 18

 

We spoke for months afterwards, every day. She loved talking to me, claim I was special to her. Always smiled at me via Facetime

 

However, she wanted to wait about meeting up. She would appear quite shy about it and appeated a little scared. It felt like she was hiding something but I wasn't sure. She doesn't have a boyfriend or anything like that.

 

When she wanted to think about getting into something serious, I asked 2 months later whether shecwpild loke to meet up, as she seemed closer to me (odd I know). However a week later she texts saying it was nice to get to know each other, the distance would be too much, I wouldn't handle it. Want to continue to be friends.

 

I felt empty for a long time. My friendship was lost and so was my head. I wsnt to still be friends with her, but she ignored my long message explaining how I would like to hear from you and apogolising for perhaps pressuring her a little into something (even though she gave me signs to show she was getting more interested).

Now, I know the chances of a relationship are over, but I still woild like to stay friends without anything more. We were such good friends. that's what I miss. I'm not bothered whether we can't be in a relationship. Her point is justified.

And education is more important.

My question is, can we still just be friends? May I send an envelope explaining how I miss my friendship, as she may be surprised and amazed by my letter?

 

I'll make it clear, I can be just friends. I'm wondering what is going throufh her head.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

edit: My title is misleading. I'm asking if others have managed a young LDR and kept going, or could be friends afterwards

[umirano]

edit: My title is misleading. I'm asking if others have managed a young LDR and kept going, or could be friends afterwards

 

If she wanted to be friends she'd be in contact, no?

 

I don't know of anybody who a) managed to keep a young LDR. Finances, laws and logistics just crush those relationships. OTOH most RS started around 20 don't make it to the second half of the 20s, local or long distance doesn't matter.

 

b) Being friends after a romantic RS? Haven't experienced it myself either, nor have I heard about it in my family or circle of friends. I guess most people stay amicable with their exes to some degree (when there's no cheating or abuse involved), but that's about it. That's friendship as in having small talk when you bump into each other five years after BU at a common friend's barbecue.

 

If I get your drift you want to stay friends with her and see whether you can make a move on her later, when finances, education and general autonomy are less of a concern, i.e. when the both of you have the possibility to travel more frequently or even close the distance. Fair enough. What if she falls in love with someone while you're trying to stay around? What if she suspects the same thing the other way around and thus does not want to stay 'friends'?

 

You're brushing these concerns off now probably as the memory of your feelings is still fresh and you can't imagine her to fall for someone else. But believe me, once it happens it's very real, and even more painful than you can imagine in your worst dreams. The problem is, while staying 'friends' with her you build up your fantasy of you two living together, and the pile of your dreams about your happy life with her gets higher and higher, and having it crumble will knock you out.

 

Sorry, but I think you should forget about her.

Umirano

[HangOnThere]

I used to be very good friends with somebody who I meet on vacation. She lived about 4 hours from my state in the US. We were such good friends and we had so much in common, it was like a little dream. It wasn't really young love, it was something that you can project in the future and believe you'd be husbsnd and wife (as strange as that sounds).

 

When we got home, we were a little disheartened because we wanted to speak more on holiday. She was actually only on holiday 2 days before I left. She's 17, I'm 18

 

We spoke for months afterwards, every day. She loved talking to me, claim I was special to her. Always smiled at me via Facetime

 

However, she wanted to wait about meeting up. She would appear quite shy about it and appeated a little scared. It felt like she was hiding something but I wasn't sure. She doesn't have a boyfriend or anything like that.

 

When she wanted to think about getting into something serious, I asked 2 months later whether shecwpild loke to meet up, as she seemed closer to me (odd I know). However a week later she texts saying it was nice to get to know each other, the distance would be too much, I wouldn't handle it. Want to continue to be friends.

 

I felt empty for a long time. My friendship was lost and so was my head. I wsnt to still be friends with her, but she ignored my long message explaining how I would like to hear from you and apogolising for perhaps pressuring her a little into something (even though she gave me signs to show she was getting more interested).

Now, I know the chances of a relationship are over, but I still woild like to stay friends without anything more. We were such good friends. that's what I miss. I'm not bothered whether we can't be in a relationship. Her point is justified.

And education is more important.

My question is, can we still just be friends? May I send an envelope explaining how I miss my friendship, as she may be surprised and amazed by my letter?

 

I'll make it clear, I can be just friends. I'm wondering what is going throufh her head.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

edit: My title is misleading. I'm asking if others have managed a young LDR and kept going, or could be friends afterwards

 

 

Thank you kindly for your response

 

She actually messaged me recently saying she had been busy for 2 months (that's why she didn't reply apparently), and then explained that she felt there wasn't much contribution and the effort was too late, bearing in mind I would always reply and make her smile. Hmm.

 

She said she would feel silly in taking us further due to distance, which is understandable, but why would you continue talking to someone all the time if she had thought this? She basically wasted my time. I mean, why would you speak to someone for so long and not want to meet up?

Adding on to that, she said others were giving her more affection, but of course they could give more affection, if they live closer to home. And she wanted to 'think about' meeting up, so why would I give her affection if the ball was in her court and that I have to wait for her decision?

 

This has done myself no good whatsoever. She appears to be confused and strange, doesn't know what she wants. It was partly my fault this happened, but what can I do if she is still talking to me all the time?

 

I've felt quite depressed afterwards. What should I say to her now? I was thinking about leaving it dead, but I'm pretty angry about this, because she wasted my time, even on a friendship

[Els]

I do know late teen LDRs that have worked (rare, but they exist). But in your case it will not work, for the simple reason that she doesn't want to be in a LDR with you. That alone is all the answer you need.

 

I think you should move on.

[d0nnivain]

Not everybody is cut out for an LDR. They are very tough. She doesn't want to deal with that & would prefer to have a BF who is geographically closer to her. You can't blame her for that.

 

 

As you grow up & go off to college or whatever life hold for you she will become the distant memory of this beautiful girl you knew from vacation.

 

 

It is possible to have an LDR at any age. With all of the available technology it's even easier then it was in the past but both people need to want it & be willing to deal with all of the required sacrifices She's not. Therefore, this won't work on a one sided basis.

[HangOnThere]

Not everybody is cut out for an LDR. They are very tough. She doesn't want to deal with that & would prefer to have a BF who is geographically closer to her. You can't blame her for that.

 

 

As you grow up & go off to college or whatever life hold for you she will become the distant memory of this beautiful girl you knew from vacation.

 

 

It is possible to have an LDR at any age. With all of the available technology it's even easier then it was in the past but both people need to want it & be willing to deal with all of the required sacrifices She's not. Therefore, this won't work on a one sided basis.

 

If she can't do it, that's fine, but why didn't she say that to begin with instead of wasting my time to go forward? Furthermore, we were both giving affection just before she said she couldn't handle it.

I think it's quite selfish how you can speak to somebody for months and then once she feels she can speak to somebody closer, she basically puts me in the bin. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

Being friends would be fine if she said that to begin with. My main question is: Why would you talk to someone for 6 months and not want to meet up, even just as friends?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sounds like she met someone local to date instead. Whatever the cause, she's chosen not to continue the friendship. It's impossible to make someone be friends with you. There's not much you can do but move on.

 

EDIT: Sorry, realized I didn't address your original question: No, to be honest, I haven't known any LDRs to work in the late teens. They tend to fizzle out as you grow and change and find your way in the world.

Edited June 19, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[HangOnThere]

Sounds like she met someone local to date instead. Whatever the cause, she's chosen not to continue the friendship. It's impossible to make someone be friends with you. There's not much you can do but move on.

 

EDIT: Sorry, realized I didn't address your original question: No, to be honest, I haven't known any LDRs to work in the late teens. They tend to fizzle out as you grow and change and find your way in the world.

 

Thanks for your information.

 

In your opinion, do you think she has been selfish? She hasn't considered my feelings from my view. Another thing, why would you talk to somebody for this amount of time without an intention to come together? I'm quite angry over it, how should I react, what could I say to create guilt or a loss?

[d0nnivain]

I highly doubt she did this on purpose to hurt you. She probably had no idea that your feelings were this intense. Teenagers do things on a whim without considering the consequences. She most likely liked you well enough but the reality of how hard an LDR is set in & she was unwilling to put in the work. It's really not a reflection on you but rather a painful part of growing up.

 

 

You need to let go of the anger. It's not healthy for you. There is nothing you can say or do that will make her feel guilty or feel the same level of loss that you are experiencing. If you try, you will only come across as a crazy, dangerous stalker guy & you will most likely make her glad she did not pursue something with you.

 

 

Instead, fade away & you will forever be that cute boy & the relationship that never was.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your information.

 

In your opinion, do you think she has been selfish? She hasn't considered my feelings from my view. Another thing, why would you talk to somebody for this amount of time without an intention to come together? I'm quite angry over it, how should I react, what could I say to create guilt or a loss?

 

Nothing. You can't because she didn't feel as deeply as you did. And why would you waste your time on that? That is detrimental only to you.

 

I don't necessarily think she's been selfish either. She was honest and told you how she felt. She probably enjoyed talking to you but later realized that distance isn't for her. In fact, I think her being direct and telling you it wasn't going to work for her was quite unselfish. A selfish person would have continued the communication purely to stroke her own ego. She didn't do so. You can't really throw her under the bus simply because you feel differently.

 

You're both so young. Don't waste any more energy being angry over a lost cause. Get out there and meet other people.

 

P.S.: Do not send her a letter. That could very well only reinforce her perception that she made the right choice to cut contact with you. That will come across as obsessive, which is very unattractive indeed

Edited June 20, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[HangOnThere]

Nothing. You can't because she didn't feel as deeply as you did. And why would you waste your time on that? That is detrimental only to you.

 

I don't necessarily think she's been selfish either. She was honest and told you how she felt. She probably enjoyed talking to you but later realized that distance isn't for her. In fact, I think her being direct and telling you it wasn't going to work for her was quite unselfish. A selfish person would have continued the communication purely to stroke her own ego. She didn't do so. You can't really throw her under the bus simply because you feel differently.

 

You're both so young. Don't waste any more energy being angry over a lost cause. Get out there and meet other people.

 

P.S.: Do not send her a letter. That could very well only reinforce her perception that she made the right choice to cut contact with you. That will come across as obsessive, which is very unattractive indeed

 

Yeah I'm not going to send a letter as you are correct, it is clingy. I still have the impression that she was a little selfish though. She said a couple of months earlier that she 'wanted time to think about' getting together as everything was moving too fast, so i slowed it down, then she sped it up, and suddenly ended contact. So, she kind of lied to me in a sense that she felt I 'made the effort too late' and 'other people were giving affection and attention.'

 

If she wanted to wait to meet up, then there was very little point in giving a lot of affection and attention at the time. Also, when trying to arrange to meet up and show commitment, I think it's selfish she decided to remove me because she was talking to other people. She could've just told me about this, instead of interpreting the situation in a different way. If she wants someone closer to home, fine, but why continue talking a lot of time later?

 

You are correct in what you have said, so thank you, but I still believe I have just been used as an ego-booster, maybe a girl who doesn't know where her head is. Can you understand my view too?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, to an extent, I see your point of view. It's hurtful when you like someone and they don't feel the same way, especially when you feel that person was giving you signals that they were interested.

 

But ultimately, the "why" doesn't matter. You'll drive yourself crazy analyzing her actions and seething over it, and you may never get the answers you're looking for. What matters is that it's over now. You have to learn to cope and move past it. There seems to be an unhealthy fixation on her and that isn't good for you, OP. How will you deal with future break-ups? This isn't even a break-up as there wasn't an official relationship. Sadly, this type of situation is common and happens to a lot of people. You simply cannot make someone feel the way you do. Respect her wishes and leave her be.

 

How long have you been stewing over this?

[HangOnThere]

Yes, to an extent, I see your point of view. It's hurtful when you like someone and they don't feel the same way, especially when you feel that person was giving you signals that they were interested.

 

But ultimately, the "why" doesn't matter. You'll drive yourself crazy analyzing her actions and seething over it, and you may never get the answers you're looking for. What matters is that it's over now. You have to learn to cope and move past it. There seems to be an unhealthy fixation on her and that isn't good for you, OP. How will you deal with future break-ups? This isn't even a break-up as there wasn't an official relationship. Sadly, this type of situation is common and happens to a lot of people. You simply cannot make someone feel the way you do. Respect her wishes and leave her be.

 

How long have you been stewing over this?

 

For many, many weeks I know, that's my fault. I couldn't see an end to ourselves because we appeared to be very close to each other, and then the event occurred. You're probably thinking why it has taken so long to recover from it, aren't you?

I find it a puzzling why she kind of ran away from me, I don't think I did anything wrong. She said I 'put the effort in too late,' but she said she wanted time to think about it, as it isn't something that can happen within 5 minutes, so why would I make more effort if she didn't want to come together yet?

 

She sounds a little confusing. Adding on to that, she got really excited when I first mentioned about coming together, and that was the day she said she wants more time, as it's moving too fast. Can you give me advice on how to cope with this?

Thanks

[HangOnThere]

I highly doubt she did this on purpose to hurt you. She probably had no idea that your feelings were this intense. Teenagers do things on a whim without considering the consequences. She most likely liked you well enough but the reality of how hard an LDR is set in & she was unwilling to put in the work. It's really not a reflection on you but rather a painful part of growing up.

 

 

You need to let go of the anger. It's not healthy for you. There is nothing you can say or do that will make her feel guilty or feel the same level of loss that you are experiencing. If you try, you will only come across as a crazy, dangerous stalker guy & you will most likely make her glad she did not pursue something with you.

 

 

Instead, fade away & you will forever be that cute boy & the relationship that never was.

 

Thanks for your reply.

You're probably right. I think she is a little mixed up and doesn't really know what she wants, we're both young so it is understandable. I'm not exactly sure why or whether she wants to be friends. I'm happy with a friendship, just not the way I was treated. She put me on hold for a few months and then suddenly said she wouldn't cope with a long distance relationship. I think I had to keep it slow until we met, maybe wait until is she older, but maybe that would not have made a difference. I was very upset on the day she made an end to both of us, I've never felt this way before.

 

I had my hopes too high. I didn't want to pressure her, but if she has met someone else (I don't think she has) then it is quite selfish to keep someone waiting until that opportunity came.

 

I'm not into the flirty boyfriend/girlfriend type, if I want to commit to somebody that I believe I could be with for the rest of my life , I will. She was actually the first ever female I felt that way. Anyway, I wish our friendship came back, I'm not sure why she wouldn't want to be friends anymore, maybe if I wanted to be together again (even though it's clearly over)?

 

Our friendship matters more than the relationship. The close friendship is what I miss deeply, not the love

[ExpatInItaly]

For many, many weeks I know, that's my fault. I couldn't see an end to ourselves because we appeared to be very close to each other, and then the event occurred. You're probably thinking why it has taken so long to recover from it, aren't you?

I find it a puzzling why she kind of ran away from me, I don't think I did anything wrong. She said I 'put the effort in too late,' but she said she wanted time to think about it, as it isn't something that can happen within 5 minutes, so why would I make more effort if she didn't want to come together yet?

 

She sounds a little confusing. Adding on to that, she got really excited when I first mentioned about coming together, and that was the day she said she wants more time, as it's moving too fast. Can you give me advice on how to cope with this?

Thanks

 

The only real advice I can give you is to focus more on yourself, your hobbies and interests, your friends. Slowly she will start to occupy your thoughts less. Try to meet other girls locally. If you are still in each other's social media, delete her. There's no reason you need to be on each other's social networks at this point. Put your energy somewhere else and you will gradually feel better and move on.

[HangOnThere]

The only real advice I can give you is to focus more on yourself, your hobbies and interests, your friends. Slowly she will start to occupy your thoughts less. Try to meet other girls locally. If you are still in each other's social media, delete her. There's no reason you need to be on each other's social networks at this point. Put your energy somewhere else and you will gradually feel better and move on.

 

Ok, thanks

 

I think it is insane how you can go talking to someone everyday and for them to suddenly vanish. I have a lot of things to look forward to over the summer, thankfully.

 

I think I will either delete her or show I am having a good time in my life. She noticed I unfollowed her on social media and said it was 'selfish.' I think the term 'I made the effort too late' is disrespectful. I obviously did, she's trying to cover herself up.

I kind of want her to feel bad for what she has done, if that is somewhat possible. It's sensible that she can't do the LDR, but leaving somebody to wait until her call to then destroy your dreams is harsh. I think she did it for the attention, I just want her to feel like she has lost something. Perhaps deleting her is my only way, or show how much of a good time I'm having.

 

Adding on to this, I'm going to a destination outside of the country where she has been before not too long ago. If she sees a picture of me there, perhaps she'll miss me a little

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok, thanks

 

I think it is insane how you can go talking to someone everyday and for them to suddenly vanish. I have a lot of things to look forward to over the summer, thankfully.

 

I think I will either delete her or show I am having a good time in my life. She noticed I unfollowed her on social media and said it was 'selfish.' I think the term 'I made the effort too late' is disrespectful. I obviously did, she's trying to cover herself up.

I kind of want her to feel bad for what she has done, if that is somewhat possible. It's sensible that she can't do the LDR, but leaving somebody to wait until her call to then destroy your dreams is harsh. I think she did it for the attention, I just want her to feel like she has lost something. Perhaps deleting her is my only way, or show how much of a good time I'm having.

 

Adding on to this, I'm going to a destination outside of the country where she has been before not too long ago. If she sees a picture of me there, perhaps she'll miss me a little

 

This is basically the opposite of what I advised. You are still putting your energy into her and making her the focus. That's not good. If you continue to do so, you will not be able to move on with your life. I can't really suggest anything else if you refuse to let go.

[HangOnThere]

This is basically the opposite of what I advised. You are still putting your energy into her and making her the focus. That's not good. If you continue to do so, you will not be able to move on with your life. I can't really suggest anything else if you refuse to let go.

 

 

Yeah I understand.

I will try to focus of myself and my future alone. Thanks for your help, it's appreciated