jesienna31 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Anyone familiar with this terms in real meaning of the term Narcissism? I am not talking about someone who is just seeking validation and love through affairs for selfish reasons ... or whatever he/she claims, but I am talking about someone that you could identify with the pathological and disordered side of "narcissism". have you been involved with narcissist in your affair? If so what was your story and how did it (didn't?) end ?
Brokenlady Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Yes, my stbxH, my former MM, is a narcissist and also a psychopath. He took gaslighting and manipulation to a whole new level and broke me down piece by piece and got me to tolerate things no one ever would in their right mind. My story is long and sordid, and there's numerous threads about it here if you search. I got out by being motivated to protect my kids bc apparently protecting myself wasn't enough. I finally saw him for who he really is and everything that's happened since I left only confirms the truth of this assessment. 4
sunflower5 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) My ex was a diagnosed NPD. They are pretty scary people. He looks like a clean cut, fun loving nice guy. Reality is he is a con artist. He gets a kick out of controlling women. He can make himself cry at the drop of a hat. He plays the poor pitiful puppy so that women will fall all over themselves to "help" him. I am the BS. But I can tell you his OW (there were a lot of them) came out of their affairs with him with serious self esteem issues and an emotional wreck. But he says that is their fault for allowing themselves to get hurt in the first place. It's always someone else's fault. NEVER his. He would call them crazy stalkers and liars when the you know what hits the fan. It's all a game to him. He is the type person who is VERY concerned with his public image. The kids and I made him look like the perfect family man. To the OW he was a poor pitiful nice guy caught in a loveless marriage. I was a horrible shrew that he was stuck with because of the kids that he loved too much risk separating from. The truth was he was a nightmare at home. I should have left years before. But he had a way of always switching things around to be my fault or play the whole "you are a horrible person to even THINK I would do those things, I demand an apology". He wanted a stepford wife and anytime I did anything that did not protect or portray his perfect image I was punished for it. I lived in fear of him.Nothing was ever good enough or perfect enough. When it started effecting the kids, I ended it FAST. Which means he is really out to make my life a living hell now. I have dared to defy him by kicking him out and publicly out him for the abusive jerk that he is. If he was scary before, he is right down terrifying now. Edited June 8, 2014 by sunflower5 1
chelsea2011 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) My ex was a diagnosed NPD. They are pretty scary people. He looks like a clean cut, fun loving nice guy. Reality is he is a con artist. He gets a kick out of controlling women. He can make himself cry at the drop of a hat. He plays the poor pitiful puppy so that women will fall all over themselves to "help" him. I am the BS. But I can tell you his OW (there were a lot of them) came out of their affairs with him with serious self esteem issues and an emotional wreck. But he says that is their fault for allowing themselves to get hurt in the first place. It's always someone else's fault. NEVER his. He would call them crazy stalkers and liars when the you know what hits the fan. It's all a game to him. He is the type person who is VERY concerned with his public image. The kids and I made him look like the perfect family man. To the OW he was a poor pitiful nice guy caught in a loveless marriage. I was a horrible shrew that he was stuck with because of the kids that he loved too much risk separating from. The truth was he was a nightmare at home. I should have left years before. But he had a way of always switching things around to be my fault or play the whole "you are a horrible person to even THINK I would do those things, I demand an apology". He wanted a stepford wife and anytime I did anything that did not protect or portray his perfect image I was punished for it. I lived in fear of him.Nothing was ever good enough or perfect enough. When it started effecting the kids, I ended it FAST. Which means he is really out to make my life a living hell now. I have dared to defy him by kicking him out and publicly out him for the abusive jerk that he is. If he was scary before, he is right down terrifying now. Wow, Sunflower, just wow. My hats off to you for getting out for the sake of your kids. When you're in a situation like that you try to find ways to work around it and then reality hits and you have to get out for the kids. Good for you! I'm all to familiar with NPD's as well because I grew up with one. It's taken me most of my adult life so far to finally figure it all out. Up until now - and happy to say never again - I was always attracting these types. They stick to me like freakin velcro. My father's friends thought he was an absolute stellar guy and it was a whole different story behind closed doors in our house. Yeah, if you suspect you're involved with one then fade yourself away from him and he will get bored and start looking for his next victim. Someone new to scapegoat. Can totally relate. Fo sho. Haha. Edited June 8, 2014 by chelsea2011 1
DKT3 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 You see signs of NPD all over this broad. I once read an article that suggested that a large number of people involved in affairs are to some degree NPD. Simply can't understand or don't care about the damage its causing others. When pressed its always because something out of their control. Its a fine line between NPD and someone blinded or merely justifing their actions by focusing on the partners actions. The difference is shown through guilt and remorse. People with NPD don't feel bad for what they are doing, they may say they do but its pretty clear they don't. Sadly only them and others that share that lack of emotions can't see it. 1
angelcake Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 My ex HB is one. I believe he is a socipath as well. His worst traits are pathological lying, taking no blame for anything/playing the victim, and most scariest to me- his vindictiveness. Divorcing him was a nightmare. He took me to court every month and tried to have me jailed. Each month it was a new accusation. Luckily I finally got a judge who practically dared him to come back to court. He told outrageous lies on me, had my son hating me, stalked me, tore our heat up not once but twice on the two coldest nights of the year (documented by the repair guy), broke into my home numerous times, stole my vehicle and sold it, and left me a $600 piece of crap sitting there when I got off work (the car he stole was in both our names so he got away with it) and in the mean time he drove a new corvette! He threatened to hire someone to burn me alive, etc etc, the list goes on and on. I lived in hell for 3 years after our separation. It wasn't until he got a new gf who was 17 years his Jr., that he started backing off. He got bored with me as she filled his time. She was a great blessing to me. He married her and she left him 5 months later but he quickly found another young lady to fill his time. For anyone dealing with this type of person, get out while you can. They are unstable and aren't capable of feeling empathy, remorse, or love. Make your life as inaccessible as possible. If you can't leave, then become the most boring person ever. Stop doing anything that you know he enjoys. Act like you are sick, whatever, to make them lost interest and want to get away from you. This type of person has to feel they are the winner in the relationship, and if not they will try to destroy you. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother, who yes, cheated on my father and possibly let him raise OM's baby. Unsure of my sisters paternity. Despite the fact that my mother has been on the biggest parental alienation campaign ever known (claims my father beat her, raped her, has a small penis, abandoned us for OW - all of this told to me as a child) my father kept her secret of infidelity for 35 years until he just could not stomach any more lies and snapped. I have been the scapegoat if a narcissistic mother maily due to how similar I am to my father. She still makes my life hell by getting her narcissistic feed from me in the very few interactions I have with her now. She breaches my boundaries and provokes reactions from me constantly while continuing her emotional abuse. And now I keep my children distant from her too. NPDs cannot be reasoned with. You can only protect you and yours. 1
Author jesienna31 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Thank you all for your stories... I think it is important to shed some light and bring awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder on this forum, as some of you said above, Narcissists are more likely to have affairs and simply lie either to their spouse or OW/OM to get what they want. So writing about it and letting people read it may bring some understanding, trigger some "Aha" moments of their situations and make them research deeper about NPD traits and what it really means. And what it is ... it is the most cruel form of emotional abuse. Many people don't realize that calling someone a "Narcissist" can in reality have very serious reasons and consequences. Please keep sharing your stories.
chelsea2011 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) You see signs of NPD all over this broad. I once read an article that suggested that a large number of people involved in affairs are to some degree NPD. Simply can't understand or don't care about the damage its causing others. When pressed its always because something out of their control. Its a fine line between NPD and someone blinded or merely justifing their actions by focusing on the partners actions. The difference is shown through guilt and remorse. People with NPD don't feel bad for what they are doing, they may say they do but its pretty clear they don't. Sadly only them and others that share that lack of emotions can't see it. Precisely. That's why it is important to examine the reason you (the general you) got involved in the first place. A person needs to ask why they were attracted and participated to begin with. Once you do then it is important to heal the issues of origin and understand your vulnerabilities and learn to trust your instincts. The people that truly care about you will understand and support you through it if you're the doing the work to make sure you don't end up there again. A good place to start is by recognizing the people in your life that exploit your vulnerabilities as opposed to supporting you as you work to fix the problems in yourself. This is not about every affair or relationship situation; I'm referring to those who don't understand their vunerabilites, not the ones who make a conscious choice to be involved and are okay with it. If a person is genuine and not purposely out to harm others then the remorse will come once they extricate themself from the situation. Once I finally learned I was manipulated by a NPD parent and distanced myself from the toxicity my whole view of life began to change. I am a much happier person who has loads of compassion and empathy for others. What you say is true, but you can't put everyone in a general category. Edited June 8, 2014 by chelsea2011 1
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