Shani Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) I've got an online friend, we met on a music website around 5 years ago, I'm 35, he's 45. Just lately we've got closer, writing more often and in more depth about our lives / problems etc. Before then we used to share music and write to each other but not in massive depth and only now and again. He consistently had a habit of being slow to reply or even sometimes not replying at all, he has a very demanding job, I did think it somewhat rude but it wasn't uppermost in my mind, I got on with my life. Last year he didn't reply again after we had been happily talking, my questions went unanswered, so I kind of wrote the friendship off in my mind and moved on and began to forget about it. Then several weeks ago he messaged me to say he was sorry he'd been so quiet for so long but it was because he'd been seriously ill with a tumour (he's going to be OK), so I of course said it's alright, I'm just glad you're going to be OK. (Just to add, from other sources, I know this tumour detail is definitely not a lie). Then we start exchanging lots of enjoyable messages, and he tells me ''I always think of you as a good friend even though I barely know you, which means I care'', and ''sorry I'm always slow to reply''. I've always been drawn to him, always thought he was cool, we have so much in common (big things and small things) that it's extraordinary. I do like him as more than just a friend. I sent him a picture of myself, to which he replied that I look ''really great'' and ''so good'' and that he's going to be in London this year (he's from Switzerland) and do I want to meet? He had said previously in passing before I sent my picture that he is crazy-busy this year with work and that he's lazy when it comes to making travelling plans. A consistent feeling / sense I've had throughout our communication from the beginning, is that he keeps doing this thing of not replying so eventually I conclude that he's just not that into me, or I get paranoid I said something annoying (it did hurt a little each time he did it) but then it's always him who restarts the contact and he's warm and kind when he comes back. This has always taken me by surprise and somewhat confused me. So we agreed to meet up, I told him I'd love to meet him. We were all set and cool, and a few days later I sent him a song I thought he'd like, and just a quick line to say hi, and to ask how it's going. That was 3 weeks ago and absolutely zilch reply. I see him come online and talk to other people on Twitter. Why is he ignoring me?! It's making me feel like crap. Edited to add - he's Swiss German, I know generalizations are stupid but apparently it's quite a strong cultural thing there that the men are often cold / reserved / need coaxing out of their shell when it comes to women. There's a joke - ''what's the dating scene like in Switzerland? There is no dating scene in Switzerland''. Edited June 6, 2014 by Shani ETA.
Author Shani Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) Doesn't sound like he does. If that's the case be it as it may, I can handle it, but it's the leaving me hanging; the mixed signals, why would a man make plans to spend a lot of money travelling 700 miles to meet a woman he had no interest in? I didn't invite him, it was all his idea. I'm genuinely confused. (And kind of depressed). Anyone else have any insight, please? Edited June 6, 2014 by Shani typo
irresolute Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Not into you. A guy who's interested, will want to have contact. Daily, or every two days, and will never let you hanging for a reply. A guy who's into you will prefer to actually talk to YOU and no to his other friends online when he has the opportunity. Your online friend is just that: an online friend and my advice is to turn off your laptop and to go find some real men, or some real friends. Oh, and honestly, I don't think he'll ever travel to visit you exclusively. Words, just words... 4
pteromom Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Not into you. Although I assume if he is coming to London anyway, he may try to meet up with you in hope of getting laid. If he was into you, he'd be thinking about you; telling you things that happened in his day that reminded him of you or that you would have liked; would be excited to talk with you; would be looking forward to the end of the day so he could relax and talk with you. He may enjoy talking to you when he is feeling lonely or bored, but that isn't the same thing as being excited about you. Hold out for someone who is excited about you. 3
writergal Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) Not into you. Although I assume if he is coming to London anyway, he may try to meet up with you in hope of getting laid. If he was into you, he'd be thinking about you; telling you things that happened in his day that reminded him of you or that you would have liked; would be excited to talk with you; would be looking forward to the end of the day so he could relax and talk with you. He may enjoy talking to you when he is feeling lonely or bored, but that isn't the same thing as being excited about you. Hold out for someone who is excited about you. ^^This. 100% this. ^^ There are some people out there who like having "online friends" available to serve as time-fillers (and nothing more), which isn't fair to the other person like you, who may expect it to go offline. It just goes to show that he's not into you, if he agreed to meet you finally in person but then was a no-show. I think that would be my biggest fear if I were to put myself in that situation. You expect that person to show up because they say they will but they don't. Then what do you do? Give them another chance to let you down with more fake promises? Um, no. If that were me, that'd be enough reason to cut my losses and delete him from my social media because that was a sh*tty thing to do. I say cut your losses and go find a guy offline. If you do happen to meet any more guys online, make sure they know what your expectations are right away. Doesn't mean they'll keep their promises but at least they know what you expect. I love these quote about words. “Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." - Rudyard Kipling “Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly -- they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.” - Adlous Huxley, Brave New World “I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go” - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and the Damned Edited June 6, 2014 by writergal 1
deathandtaxes Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 You're his emotional crutch. Don't respond to him anymore. Treat him as he treats you. 3
Author Shani Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) Thanks, guys . I know what you've said is right... I washed his 'friendship' out of my hair last year when he did his disappearing act, then I felt bad because he'd genuinely been ill. It's him that kept contacting me again, apologizing etc, wanting to make plans. I probably sound like a right dopey teenager saying this, but music is a very powerful thing for me, I've never met anyone that's my musical soulmate in the way he is, all the music we share and talk about, I think it made me dream if there could be something really special between us. But someone who cares wouldn't be rude like this, straight up ignoring me?! I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone. If he messages me again I'll ignore him. The trip plans are I'm sure BS and won't come to anything. I'll give it a few months and then delete him. I think if I delete him now he may think I'm a psycho. Thanks again for the terrific replies. Writergirl, thanks for the quotes about words, I really like them. Edited June 6, 2014 by Shani typo
writergal Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) Thanks, guys . I know what you've said is right... I washed his 'friendship' out of my hair last year when he did his disappearing act, then I felt bad because he'd genuinely been ill. It's him that kept contacting me again, apologizing etc, wanting to make plans. I probably sound like a right dopey teenager saying this, but music is a very powerful thing for me, I've never met anyone that's my musical soulmate in the way he is, all the music we share and talk about, I think it made me dream if there could be something really special between us. But someone who cares wouldn't be rude like this, straight up ignoring me?! I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone. If he messages me again I'll ignore him. The trip plans are I'm sure BS and won't come to anything. I'll give it a few months and then delete him. I think if I delete him now he may think I'm a psycho. Thanks again for the terrific replies. Writergirl, thanks for the quotes about words, I really like them. Glad you like those quotes about words. And I get it. I understand why you still feel conflicted. You spent a great deal of time emotionally investing in some guy online whom you've never actually seen via Skype, or spoken to over the phone. But you've invested in a fantasy. How do you know he's really 45? How do you know really anything about him? You don't. That's the point. He's not going to message you anymore (is my guess). He blew off meeting you in person which you said was HIS idea. He's a huge flake. Who knows if his trip plans are real or fake. You may never know. And...why do you still care about what he thinks of you? It's pretty obvious he doesn't think about you or care what you think about him. Otherwise he would have shown up to meet you and give you no reason to post here, upset and depressed that you got duped by some guy online. How can you give someone like that a second chance when it's so clear he doesn't deserve it. Why wait a few months to delete him? Just do it now and be done with him. Edited June 6, 2014 by writergal 1
pteromom Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I probably sound like a right dopey teenager saying this, but music is a very powerful thing for me, I've never met anyone that's my musical soulmate in the way he is, all the music we share and talk about, I think it made me dream if there could be something really special between us. There is nothing wrong with keeping him as a friend you talk music with. Just drop the part about dreaming there could be something between you. But someone who cares wouldn't be rude like this, straight up ignoring me?! I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone. Whether he cares or not isn't even the point. This doesn't work for you. If he professed his feelings for you, came to you and made crazy monkey love with you, then went back home and only talked to you every few weeks, would that work for you? I mean, maybe he does like you (he doesn't, but for argument's sake). Maybe he really cares about you and feels like you are HIS musical soulmate too. Maybe he's just really busy and doesn't have a lot of time to talk to you. It's the same result. You are still left out there alone, wishing you had someone to talk to and connect with, while he's doing all his busy-guy things and not needing you back. So you are still left unhappy. Look for someone who wants the same things you want, shows interest in you, and who is capable of giving you what you want in a relationship. This isn't the guy. The trip plans are I'm sure BS and won't come to anything. It might. But as I said before, if it does, don't read more into it than he just wants to get some while he's in London. 1
writergal Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Look for someone who wants the same things you want, shows interest in you, and who is capable of giving you what you want in a relationship. This isn't the guy. ^^Shani if you have to print off pteromoms post and pin it to your computer then do so, to remind yourself that you deserve a better guy, preferably one in the flesh.
irresolute Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 There is nothing wrong with keeping him as a friend you talk music with. Just drop the part about dreaming there could be something between you. Whether he cares or not isn't even the point. This doesn't work for you. If he professed his feelings for you, came to you and made crazy monkey love with you, then went back home and only talked to you every few weeks, would that work for you? I mean, maybe he does like you (he doesn't, but for argument's sake). Maybe he really cares about you and feels like you are HIS musical soulmate too. Maybe he's just really busy and doesn't have a lot of time to talk to you. It's the same result. You are still left out there alone, wishing you had someone to talk to and connect with, while he's doing all his busy-guy things and not needing you back. So you are still left unhappy. Look for someone who wants the same things you want, shows interest in you, and who is capable of giving you what you want in a relationship. This isn't the guy. It might. But as I said before, if it does, don't read more into it than he just wants to get some while he's in London. Disagree. YEs, there's something wrong in keeping him as a friend, we they're actually no friends. OP has feelings for this "guy", best way is to go no contact immediately. Don't give faux hopes to op. the guy is blatantly NOT INTERESTED.
writergal Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I tried to edit my post but couldn't. I agree with the poster irresolute that you need to forget about keeping this guy as an online friend. Why on earth would you?? He's not interested. I do agree with ptermom's post about looking for another guy who shares your same interests because this guy isn't it.
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