Lipitor11 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I've been using okcupid on and off for the past few months. Just last week I met up with this guy that I've been talking to for like 3 months and I guess we had our so-called "date." Anyway, while we were on a date, I noticed that he was checking out this girl wearing a short dress, I got kind of offended, but anyway, later on we talked about how we were going to keep seeing each other, etc, etc. I deleted my profile like 3 months ago, because I'm tired of online dating. I decided to check his profile and saw that its still active and still checks it. Like if he still wants to see me, then does he still fishing for girls on there? So, today, I asked him, if he still talks to alot of girls on okcupid, and he replied, "why are you curious to know if I'm talking to girls on okc, if we're not dating?" So, then I told him that I have a friend with benefits and he got all mad, and said if I have a fwb, then why are we even talking? I'm like, wth? Its ok, for him to check out other girls while on a date with me and he can talk to other girls on okcupid, yet he got mad at me because I have a fwb? I'm pretty sure he's fishing around on there talking to girls. Double standard isn't it? He can have his fun and I can't?
MissionPossible Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 He sounds like a complete tool. Give him the ax. I think some dudes do tend to have a double standard, I mean, nobody can argue that when a dude sleeps with a lot of chicks, he gets called a stud. When we do it we get called whores. I don't know why that is but is just is. Solution? DONT tell a guy (who you're interested in having a relationship with) that you have a FWB. I'm not saying you can't sleep with everyone who strikes your fancy, but don't tell your other guys about it. I know it's not fair. 1
Curious-One Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Lol telling a guy you want to date/get serious with that you have a friend who you sleep with for fun is ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS going to kill the attraction for you. Not to mention he will lose all respect for you and if he does continue talking to you it will most likely be so that he can sleep with you. Who wants a wife who was sleeping with her male friends for fun? I know there is a double standard but i am sure you heard the saying before , a key that opens alot of locks is a master key... a lock thats opened by a lot of keys is a ****ty lock. Ok i just wanted to get that out of the way. As far as him checking out a girl in short shorts on your date its wrong but its what we guys do naturally. I just had a conversation with a friend girl at work the other day.. she was saying her 60 year old supervisor was looking down her breasts and i quickly pointed out that she comes to work with half her breasts hanging out so if she doesnt want to be looked at then she needs to wear more proper clothes to work. As a guy i told her that i literally HAVE TO FIGHT the urge not to stare at a girls clevage if its showing too much. Its almost like its wired into our brains that as soon as a girl with a nice ass, miniskirt, or clevage is around you must look at it. There is a reason girls wear mini skirts, shirts that show half their tities and tight jeans and here is a hint...its not because its comfterble. It is because it gets the mans attention. 2
Andy_K Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 There's nothing more humiliating for a guy than the prospect of properly dating a girl while someone else gets to bonk her for free. It's like being cuckolded before you've even started. It would be less of a turn off if you told him you bathe in kitten blood and keep voodoo dolls of ex boyfriends. 8
Woggle Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I don't agree with double standards but there is a difference between checking out other women and actually sleeping with other people. It would be equal if he had a FWB and criticized you for having one. He shouldn't be checking out other women while he dates you though. 6
Do_The_Herp Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I don't agree with double standards but there is a difference between checking out other women and actually sleeping with other people. It would be equal if he had a FWB and criticized you for having one. He shouldn't be checking out other women while he dates you though. 10 characters
ascendotum Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 "why are you curious to know if I'm talking to girls on okc, if we're not dating? Whatever you two have been doing the past 2-3 months it seems he did not see you as his gf if he answers your question with the reply above. If you don't go out anywhere and just shag whenever you get together at likely short notice, then he is likely considering you as just a fwb. I don't know if I see double standard here but I see hypocrisy (assuming you didn't BS him on the FWB just to shyte stir him). You have a bit of a cheek getting upset on him fishing for more women or a gf still online when you banging another guy on the side. Double standard isn't it? He can have his fun and I can't? Eerrr, but you are getting a 2nd helping of fun/dick from your fwb on the days in between seeing your online date guy.
marcjb Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) He sounds like a complete tool. Give him the ax. I agree with this. He sounds like a complete tool. Give him the ax. I think some dudes do tend to have a double standard, I mean, nobody can argue that when a dude sleeps with a lot of chicks, he gets called a stud. When we do it we get called whores. I don't know why that is but is just is. Solution? DONT tell a guy (who you're interested in having a relationship with) that you have a FWB. I'm not saying you can't sleep with everyone who strikes your fancy, but don't tell your other guys about it. I know it's not fair. But there's a good answer for this. This is why if a woman has been with a bunch of guys she is viewed negatively, but if a guy has been with a bunch of women, he is not. Guys are the ones that have to put in work, women generally just get to sit back and take their pick. That's the answer to the age old stigma, because it's true.Women ultimately have the say with giving the green light on sex, not guys. If a woman has been with a bunch of guy, she did not have to do any "work" to get there. Edited June 6, 2014 by marcjb
MalachiX Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) So...let me make sure I understand this: You were annoyed that he looked at someone else while you're actively having sex with someone else. Yep, there's a double standard here but it's not the one you think... But let's take this apart point by point. Men look on reflex because we have more testosterone in our systems. It's a scientific fact. There's an amazing This American Life Story (that I'd be happy to send you) about a trans man. He describes previously being a feminist and thinking "men were pigs" for staring at women but, once he had started transitioning and taking testosterone, he found himself totally unable to stop starring and hated himself. Now it's not very nice to your date to be oogling other women but it's pretty hard to control just looking (once again, this is chemical and a reflex). It doesn't even matter if we're attracted to the women as I often catch myself glancing at women I find gross just because they have a revealing outfit or something. But let's be honest, this isn't really what your thread is about. You aren't in an exclusive relationship with this guy and, by your own admission, you delete your account not out of loyalty to him but because you were just sick of online dating. You have no right to want him to close his OKC account when you guys aren't exclusive. The fact that you are banging someone else yet acting like you're the aggrieved party because he was looking at women online is so divorced from reality that I'm wondering if this is a real post. And please, let's try to have one thread here without trying to use gender to win an argument. Are there double standards? Of course. Our society remains largely unfair in that promiscuity in men is prized but in women is shamed. But looking at you two as individuals makes it pretty clear you're the one with the double standard. Were you to tell us that this guy was sleeping with other women but upset at you having an OKC account, I'd say that this guy sounds like an un-fair and controlling jerk and you should cut contact with him. And if you really think that looking at other people, in person or online, is the same as sleeping with other people then you may want to let anyone you date know this as it's going to cause a lot of problems in the future. Edited June 6, 2014 by MalachiX 3
Woggle Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 There are double standards against women who are sexually active. That is true but this is not an example of it.
Andy_K Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Additionally, if you both had FWB he'd still be upset. Here's why: When a guy has a FWB, the FWB is the backup option. When he starts dating someone new, he'd rather sleep with her, but she probably won't let him until they are several dates in. The new girl is still his first choice though, and he will only have sex with the FWB if he can't get it from the new girl. When a girl has FWB, he is the first choice for sex not the backup option. When she starts dating someone new, she could straight away have sex with the new guy if she chose. So if she continues to see the FWB, that means the new guy is her second choice for sex. He's her backup option. She chooses to sex the other guy, despite the new one offering more (a genuine relationship perhaps). If you both have FWB, then chances are you're his first choice but he's not yours, so he will still be upset 1
ThatMan Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 You want to have fun? Go have fun. Nobody is stopping you. My advice is to not don't bother searching for a meaningful relationship if you're having fun with FWBs. There's nothing wrong with having friends with benefits. Some people prefer FWBs just like some prefer further commitment. But the only type of men who would ever knowingly enter a relationship with you are those impotent cuckold losers with no self-esteem. You'll be better off with another FWB, anyways, and not some loser. 2
PegNosePete Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 So...let me make sure I understand this: You were annoyed that he looked at someone else while you're actively having sex with someone else. Yep, there's a double standard here but it's not the one you think... Exactly what I was thinking. It must be online dating's fault, just like 3rd world debt and all wars ever......... 3
Author Lipitor11 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 I just don't see why he got "offended" with me having a fwb. Fwb is considered to be meaningless sex, with no feelings, no emotional attachment whatsoever. And usually if 2 people are involved in a fwb, they are also looking for real relationships aside, until both parties meet someone that they want to date. I just think it's a little different for a guy to still be flirting/talking to girls online while he's still going on dates with me. I'm not talking or flirting with other guys, sure I'm doing someone on the side, but until then I'm also looking for a relationship.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 It's like when a guy goes to use a public restroom..if one stall is currently being used and a guy is taking a dump on it, it's not exactly like he wants to go into that stall straight after or even wait for the guy to come out...especially if the stall next door is vacant and freshly cleaned. Your stall is occupied, and someone is already taking a big dump in it and may have dropped the toilet roll on the floor...he's at least got to try and back off and give the guy some space to finish his "business"...let the gasses clear out, and the seat cool off...nothing fun about sitting on a seat that's just been used and warm. As far as this whole FWB situation, the realistic story is usually someone is holding onto to the other in hopes that it will turn into a relationship...it's like when there is a break-up, it's obvious someone does want to be apart of it anymore than the other, and they take steps or wait for things to fall apart before walking away. So no emotions, attachments..yeah right, only because one person doesn't have the chance more often than not. It doesn't mean feelings won't develop either for the other person that is into the other person and actually wants to be with them. Last thing....there is a double-standard for men, that is a reality, just because he'd make you a FWB, doesn't mean he would ever have a serious relationship with you and if you're one guys FWB then the other guy can definitely consider you not relationship material and he'd like to make you his very own FWB...in fact a lot of guys aren't even looking for a relationship, they're just playing their cards right, doing whatever they have to say or do to get into your pants at the end of the day, and either turn you into their own FWB or back-off when they're just over it with these "mini-relationships" people like to have...it's really a variation of the same thing in reality because men don't commit regardless of the situation they are put in and what you read into if they don't want to...they'll still bail at the last second if they're not into you like that but you're still serving their needs in the meanwhile. 1
central Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 If you're not exclusive, then you can both do whatever you want. Confronting him about chatting online while you have a FWB is the double standard here. If he's only emailing/chatting with other women, and you are having sex with other men, what's your ethical basis for questioning his actions?
Keenly Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 You are comparing apples and hand grenades. He looked at another girl, tasteless but forgivable. He wants something serious, and he's probably been looking for a LONG time. He can't afford to just turn off his profile if he wants to continue his search for the one woman who can meet his requirements and be serious with him. You on the other hand told your date you are actively banging some one else. How you could equate one act of bad manners, and the search for some one special into its then okay for you to have casual hookups on the side is just mind boggling. Its not a double standard because the two sides of the issue aren't even closely related to each other. 6
Fondue Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I just don't see why he got "offended" with me having a fwb. Fwb is considered to be meaningless sex, with no feelings, no emotional attachment whatsoever. And usually if 2 people are involved in a fwb, they are also looking for real relationships aside, until both parties meet someone that they want to date. I just think it's a little different for a guy to still be flirting/talking to girls online while he's still going on dates with me. I'm not talking or flirting with other guys, sure I'm doing someone on the side, but until then I'm also looking for a relationship. You're incredibly thickheaded. While he might still be flirting with women online... You're boning another dude! And he is the bad guy here? Come on. You have no right to be upset about that at all. That's making you a super hypocrite. 6
the tank Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I just don't see why he got "offended" with me having a fwb. Fwb is considered to be meaningless sex, with no feelings, no emotional attachment whatsoever. And usually if 2 people are involved in a fwb, they are also looking for real relationships aside, until both parties meet someone that they want to date. I just think it's a little different for a guy to still be flirting/talking to girls online while he's still going on dates with me. I'm not talking or flirting with other guys, sure I'm doing someone on the side, but until then I'm also looking for a relationship. You can f**** some else , but he cant talk to other girls online ? I understand that guy to look for another girl !! 4
Bruce Leigh Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I'm not talking or flirting with other people, sure I'm doing someone on the side, but until then I'm also looking for a relationship. Changed one word so it applies to both sexes. Do people really believe this is a healthy perspective to have? Double standard? Thread title is misleading as there is no double standard here.
Mrin Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Wow. Just wow. I am pretty sure if this had happened to me, I'd stand up from the table and stick her with the bill. It would be pretty hard to make yourself more unattractive to him with a single sentence. I think he dodged a bullet here... 3
marcjb Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I just don't see why he got "offended" with me having a fwb. Fwb is considered to be meaningless sex, with no feelings, no emotional attachment whatsoever. And usually if 2 people are involved in a fwb, they are also looking for real relationships aside, until both parties meet someone that they want to date. I just think it's a little different for a guy to still be flirting/talking to girls online while he's still going on dates with me. I'm not talking or flirting with other guys, sure I'm doing someone on the side, but until then I'm also looking for a relationship. Holy ****! You need to take a good look in the mirror. Wow! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I just don't see why he got "offended" with me having a fwb. Fwb is considered to be meaningless sex, with no feelings, no emotional attachment whatsoever. And usually if 2 people are involved in a fwb, they are also looking for real relationships aside, until both parties meet someone that they want to date. I just think it's a little different for a guy to still be flirting/talking to girls online while he's still going on dates with me. I'm not talking or flirting with other guys, sure I'm doing someone on the side, but until then I'm also looking for a relationship. He's obviously not interested in you for anything serious, given that he's still cruising the dating site. That enough is reason to move on. But to address your question about casual sex... Most people consider sex to be a pretty big deal. No matter how much our culture has tried to train us that sex is a commodity you can dispose of in a tissue, or remove and replace like a $10 H&M top, like most everything else, on a deep level, most people get that sex is a big deal, and never really casual. I would never date a man who was having sex with someone else. And personally, as long as I were sexually involved with anybody on any level, I couldn't sit there on a new date without feeling like a fraud. Most people who are looking for something serious are going to see it the same way - men and women. If you're looking for something real, lose the casual sex partners and be truly single. 10
musemaj11 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 He sounds like a complete tool. Give him the ax. I think some dudes do tend to have a double standard, I mean, nobody can argue that when a dude sleeps with a lot of chicks, he gets called a stud. When we do it we get called whores. I don't know why that is but is just is. Solution? If a woman doesnt pay on dates, she is just being a lady, but if a man doesnt pay on dates, he is a loser. Both sexes have double standards. 1
phineas Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 I'm confused. why did it take 3 months to go on a date with someone from okcupid? What exactly was the official status of OP and this guy (not the FWB) Obviously it wasn't a relationship because OP has a FWB. Is OP also sleeping with the guy she's complaining about? How dysfunctional can you get? Sadly the people in the OP make up the bulk of the dating community. Online just makes it easier for them to find each other.
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