Prepared to fight [update]

[themotion]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

To cut a long story short... I was with my ex girlfriend (and very close) for five years. We eventually became 'just friends', but I had to politely call this off, as I still had strong feelings for her and despite still loving me, she was very confused about what she wanted. I did this to protect myself from the ongoing, confusing battle I had been fighting. I did make an emotional fool of myself (as you do), which no doubt pushed her even further away. I respectfully told her, that I could no longer be her friend and if we couldn't 'try again', I would have to cease all contact. I also told her that I would need to cut all ties with her on social media to help me move on. She understood that I wasn't doing this out of spite and that it was a genuine necessity for my healing.

Anyway, we haven't spoken for a month now. I have been taking good care of myself, exercising almost daily and working hard in all aspects of my life to 'improve myself'. I have also rebuilt my confidence to a certain extent. I have refrained from 'checking up on her', but still miss her so so much and feel far from ready to give up on my chances of winning her back.

Basically, I'm unsure whether it's too soon or not to contact her. I'm expecting someone to tell me 'If she wants to speak to you, she'll call you', but knowing the careful and unassertive person she is, I question whether she would do this unless she was absolutely one hundred percent certain that she wanted to give things a go. I am almost certain that I have a chance, but really don't want to blow it and I feel scared of facing rejection again.

Also, she hasn't stopped following me on Instagram or Twitter, despite my occasional, 'careful' posts (just random stuff). Should I use this to my advantage, or would that be classified as 'playing games' and a bad idea?

 

Many thanks in advance.

[km19]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

To cut a long story short... I was with my ex girlfriend (and very close) for five years. We eventually became 'just friends', but I had to politely call this off, as I still had strong feelings for her and despite still loving me, she was very confused about what she wanted. I did this to protect myself from the ongoing, confusing battle I had been fighting. I did make an emotional fool of myself (as you do), which no doubt pushed her even further away. I respectfully told her, that I could no longer be her friend and if we couldn't 'try again', I would have to cease all contact. I also told her that I would need to cut all ties with her on social media to help me move on. She understood that I wasn't doing this out of spite and that it was a genuine necessity for my healing.

Anyway, we haven't spoken for a month now. I have been taking good care of myself, exercising almost daily and working hard in all aspects of my life to 'improve myself'. I have also rebuilt my confidence to a certain extent. I have refrained from 'checking up on her', but still miss her so so much and feel far from ready to give up on my chances of winning her back.

Basically, I'm unsure whether it's too soon or not to contact her. I'm expecting someone to tell me 'If she wants to speak to you, she'll call you', but knowing the careful and unassertive person she is, I question whether she would do this unless she was absolutely one hundred percent certain that she wanted to give things a go. I am almost certain that I have a chance, but really don't want to blow it and I feel scared of facing rejection again.

Also, she hasn't stopped following me on Instagram or Twitter, despite my occasional, 'careful' posts (just random stuff). Should I use this to my advantage, or would that be classified as 'playing games' and a bad idea?

 

Many thanks in advance.

 

Dude, you're doing awesome. One month is a massive accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. Don't lose all that progress by contacting her. She left you. It's as simple as that. And what have you done? You have managed to make the best out of a tough situation.

 

Don't stop now. Remember, she left you. You're doing NC for you. Not to win her back. If she wants you back, you will know. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. You're seriously an inspiration to everyone.

[free_radicals]

I'm going through something similar right now on a 10 month relationship. We love each other, but she's confused about what she wants (we dated shortly after her divorce, so this is probably why). We're on a break right now. I commend you for being strong enough to call off being friends and not checking up on her. It's not easy.

 

Anyway, you said you can't be her friend, but at the same time you want to contact her. Can you clarify? Is that because you are hoping for a chance?

 

If she loves you, I'm almost sure she's going through the same emotions as you are, but she's also holding up strong to not contact you. She may be doing just what you asked her - to not contact you because you can't be friends. But believe me, I myself questioned before whether the other person is going through the same emotions as me or if she's just fine and dandy, and I can tell you she's going through the same thing as you.

 

Honest question: Do you really things will get better if you get back with her? Sometimes it's best to cut things off earlier (before things get more serious, and thus, hurts more IF it doesn't end up working out---this is my exact debate right now in my situation).

 

Have you asked her why she feels confused, or do you have any ideas? This would give us a better understanding.

[flitzanu]

"I'm confused and don't know what i want right now" = "i don't want to be with you because i want to experience new things".

[themotion]

Ok, so I posted a couple of days ago explaining my situation of a month's no contact, following a serious five year relationship. I initiated the no contact after we decided to become just friends and realised that I still loved her desperately. She was confused and couldn't commit to more.

I hadn't received any contact from my ex girlfriend and had resisted the urge to contact her.

After careful consideration and a lengthy chat with my best friend, I decided to give it one last shot, for the following reasons:

I love her and know that I want to be with her.

If she finds someone else, I will kick myself for not fighting for her first.

I have prepared myself for rejection and/or bad news.

I appreciate that my chances are slim.

I have nothing to loose.

If she ends up hating me and asking me to leave her alone, I have lost absolutely nothing and may find some closure in this.

I feel much more like my old self and not the 'emotional wreck' she parted with.

 

I sent her a 'how are you?' text. She replied politely and we even exchanged a few 'catch up texts'. She didn't exactly respond overly enthusiastically and she did blow me out at the end with a random 'have a nice weekend' text, so I better wait until at least Monday to continue my mission, but hey, I didn't expect her to throw herself at me by any means.

I do however feel I have a better chance having regained my confidence and ability to show strength. I just have to try to gradually regain her interest, without being too 'full on'. This can only end in love or closure and either is a step forwards from the uncertainty and anxiety I feel now. If she's already moved on, I can find closure in this too. I think it's a win/win. Wish me luck.

 

Is anyone in a similar situation?

[Elle1975]

Good luck with that. I mean I understand the "I got nothing to lose" but she didn't seem over excited to get your texts, as you stated it, so it's not great news.

 

It might be that she already has someone else.

 

I have been in her shoes however, when an ex went on a mission to get me back. It was annoying. He suffocated me. He would constantly send me messages and even showed up at work a few times. He had not changed one bit. He only succeeded in pushing me away even more.

 

Granted, I had specific reasons for the break up (he cheated, disappeared on me when I got evicted because my landlord's house had be repossessed by the bank, etc..).

 

Anyway, that's my personal experience on it.

[PhillyConnection23]

Yes I would say I am on a mission to get her back.

 

However, I understand the reality of the situation and I'm not in a rush to make it happen. I'm going for a longer approach, as Elle said, so that I don't suffocate her. I'd rather wait a couple of months and then try to slowly come back into her life instead of just one month when everything is still fresh.

 

You spent a lot of time with this person. She isn't going to forget you, your mannerisms, your habits within a couple of weeks. She needs to miss you and she needs time to understand who she is and what she wants.

[themotion]

Thanks for your response Elle. I certainly don't want to become annoying if I can help it, so I'll try my best to strike a balance. I feel fairly strong and I know I won't do anything too extreme, such as bombard her with messages or 'show up' anywhere.

If she asks why I'm texting her again, I'll just say that I didn't really think about why, I just wanted to. (Wouldn't want to scare her off).

It's great to hear from someone that's been on the other side. Appreciate it

[themotion]

Thanks too Philly.

 

That's a very interesting point. I do however think about the potential for her to meet someone else if I were to leave it longer, thus be distracted from the 'missing me' thing.

You could say that if she doesn't miss me, it's dead, but the me she's likely to remember is the desperate, unstable, crying mess she parted with.

I'm quite confident that after being together and so close for so long, she could respond well to 'the old me'.

On the other hand, I could have messed up my chances, but the option I took should hopefully save me months of uncertainty and anxiety.

Edited June 6, 2014 by themotion

[flitzanu]

i'm sure i won't be the only one telling you it's a bad idea.

 

she didn't want to commit, meaning she wanted to leave. she didn't contact you in over a month, which means she wasn't wanting to be in contact. her blowing you off over text should be the first sign that this is not going to bode well for you.

 

if you think this is what you need to do, by all means do it. just know that there's no "convincing someone to be in love with you", she has to make that choice herself, and nothing you do or don't do is going to change that. you're getting desperate and thinking you have to act, but i'd tell you to just let this one go.

 

be warned.

[mtnbiker3000]

Yup. All you will do is convince her she made the right decision... And, you will feel even worse... It's a lose lose!

[lime87]

This thread might be a good read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

 

You can fight in many different ways by maintaining NC/LC and working on healing yourself. I understand the overwhelming feeling of wanting someone back but a month isn't a long time unfortunately for things to change. If you are hurt again is it really worth it? I know it's easy to say but if you truly want a second chance you should move on. If it doesn't work then you've moved on. If it does then you can go into it with balance.

[David87]

NO, don't do it.....you said you have nothing to lose...what about your dignity ? You want to fight for her right(do it when you are in a relationship with her not after its over)

[erklat]

You can not fight in a struggle that has been already lost.

 

Whatever you do now will be perceived as neediness and desperation

by her.

 

NC = win.

Fight = world of hurt.

[David87]

You can not fight in a struggle that has been already lost.

 

Whatever you do now will be perceived as neediness and desperation

by her.

 

NC = win.

Fight = world of hurt.

 

Or to put it into a single word : DOORMAT.

[Elle1975]

Thanks too Philly.

 

That's a very interesting point. I do however think about the potential for her to meet someone else if I were to leave it longer, thus be distracted from the 'missing me' thing.

You could say that if she doesn't miss me, it's dead, but the me she's likely to remember is the desperate, unstable, crying mess she parted with.

I'm quite confident that after being together and so close for so long, she could respond well to 'the old me'.

On the other hand, I could have messed up my chances, but the option I took should hopefully save me months of uncertainty and anxiety.

 

Her meeting someone else is exactly what needs to happen. Most guys and gals will f*ck relationships up. That's where she'll miss you, and not because she's single with a lot of opportunities sitting in front of her (and you in the way of those opportunities), but because the new guy might make her realize "what have I done".

 

You are going to put yourself through "months of uncertainty and anxiety" if you choose to do so. Or you can accept to move on and open your heart to multiple possibilities, such as her coming back, or most likely, a new love interest.

 

When I broke up I decided in my head "I'll do whatever it takes to have him back". Fast forward almost 2 months, I do love the guy, but I know I couldn't date him again without getting crippled by doubt and mistrust. So.. give it some time and use the time to genuinely work on yourself.

 

If you doubt what I'm saying, I will quote you "she could respond well to 'the old me" Let me remind you that the old you got your nowhere.

 

You're rationalizing everything in order for your mind to agree with what your heart is about to make you do.

 

Trying your best in order to get closure is a bunch of bull. Do you really have to blow up all your chances, and get to the point of suffocating her, like I was, to understand that it's over? For now, most likely forever.

 

Even if you message her "here and there" it will be too much. Let me tell you what my ex did for the past FIVE years. He'd message me every 6 months or so, when I thought "ok, now he's gone away". And I'd hiss "WTF leave me alone". He'd message me on FB to be precise, as I had changed my phone number. If you wonder why he could message me.. I did not want him to show up at my door. Now that I have moved, I blocked him on there too.

 

So.. your move.. but honestly, I don't think it's a good idea, at all.

Edited June 6, 2014 by Elle1975

[Rar0]

Her meeting someone else is exactly what needs to happen. Most guys and gals will f*ck relationships up. That's where she'll miss you, and not because she's single with a lot of opportunities sitting in front of her.

 

You are going to put yourself through "months of uncertainty and anxiety" if you choose to do so. Or you can accept to move on and open your heart to multiple possibilities, such as her coming back, or most likely, a new love interest.

 

When I broke up I decided in my head "I'll do whatever it takes to have him back". Fast forward almost 2 months, I do love the guy, but I know I couldn't date him again without getting crippled by doubt and mistrust. So.. give it some time and use the time to genuinely work on yourself.

 

If you doubt what I'm saying, I will quote you "she could respond well to 'the old me" Let me remind you that the old you got your nowhere.

 

You're rationalizing everything in order for your mind to agree with what your heart is about to make you do.

 

Trying your best in order to get closure is a bunch of bull. Do you really have to blow up all your chances, and get to the point of suffocating her, like I was, to understand that it's over? For now, most likely forever.

 

Even if you message her "here and there" it will be too much. Let me tell you what my ex did for the past FIVE years. He'd message me every 6 months or so, when I thought "ok, now he's gone away". And I'd hiss "WTF leave me alone". He'd message me on FB to be precise, as I had changed my phone number. If you wonder why he could message me.. I did not want him to show up at my door. Now that I have moved, I blocked him on there too.

 

So.. your move.. but honestly, I don't think it's a good idea, at all.

 

Why isn't it a good idea?

[NC-Thomas]

God its like I see myself talking one month ago.

 

Let me wake you up and tell you what happened when i "did some fighting":

 

- I was in NC

- I fought.

- Got rejected and hurt

- Got back to day one

 

Listen to me, if they WANT to be with you, THEY will let you know. Doing what i did was just an act of neediness and desperation. It's unattractive to a woman and you will lose your BALLS, SELF-RESPECT and DIGNITY in the process.

 

Unless you want to get hurt again, by all means, go for it. I did it because I thought i had a chance, but then i realized I already got dumped. It's up to her to reconcile, not me!

 

Login, convincing, pleading isn't going to bring you anywhere. You cannot use logic to change her emotions. She needs to FEEL good about you and her. And feelings don't change overnight, neither does confusion or doubt.

 

Sorry to wake you up man, but she was clear about it. Be a man, and move on, your better than this! Don't lower yourself, you are AS VALUABLE as her. Don't put her on a pedestal, she is just like you and me.

 

Find a girl who wants to give a 100%. Because that's what you deserve.

[erklat]

^

 

This Thomas.

 

I have also done every possible mistake that could've been done.

 

You don't want to go there.

[Elle1975]

I am so, SO glad that life has given me enough strength and enough experience to know that it's a freaking bad idea to pursue an ex. When I broke up last, I knew I couldn't beg or plead. Oh I did try to make my case, but he refused to hear it. My peace is done. I walked away with my pride in my back pocket.

 

It's an awful thing to experience, a break up, why add humiliation and disappointment to it.

 

However, because I have learned my lesson the hard way, I think anybody's allowed to do the same thing. Nobody can make you do what you don't want to do. I also know that you can't convince someone to love you. That would be awesome though! mmh but then would we all be like this show on tv.. married with 5 wives, or married with 7 husbands? What a mess..

 

Anyway, I digress.. I hope you find the solution that's right for you.

[Chi townD]

No! No! and NO! Don't contact her at all.

 

If you contact her, then I already can tell you what you'll find.

 

You'll probably find that she's already with someone else. When a girl says that she's confused, then (most times) that means they are confused about their feelings between you and someone else.

 

You might not like what you'll find, so I would just leave it alone and move on. No point in giving yourself any undo pain.

[ThorntonMelon]

You're not showing strength.

 

First of all, text is for grocery lists and what time to show up. Not for anything important.

 

She knows what you're doing, and wishes you weren't.

 

You tried, now heal.

[jbelle6]

I do not care how shy she is, if she wanted you, she'd let you know.

She knows you want her back so there's nothing for her to lose, no fear of rejection. There is zero risk for her to tell you she will try again.

 

Second point I want to make, do you really want someone who you have to make a strategy for? It's one thing if you work on yourself inside and out and she likes what she sees and decides to come back on her own, but these tactical measures seem like too much work for this lazy girl, if they don't want me then it's NEXT. I won't fight or beg for anyone's scraps of affection. Why are you?