ain5053 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Hello all!!! I am hoping you guys can help me clarify the status of my relationship and give me advice on how to approach him regarding this subject. I have been seeing my coworker for about two months now, and it's ironic that I use the term "seeing" since that term is the one reason I am even writing this thread. Quick back-story - after working side by side for a couple of months and being secretly attracted to each other - after going out for some drinks one night I have unshockingly ended up at his place. Here is the interesting part - I didn't exactly leave. Since then (2 months ago) we have been inseparable. We work together during the day, go to the gym, and head home with each other after work every single night. I think there have only been 2 nights that we didn't spend together and it was because one of us had to stay at work very late. Even though that's how it started, I wouldn't define our relationship as just a "hook-up". Besides spending all our time together on weekdays and weekends, I have practically been living at his pace, we even have been doing everyday chores as a couple such as grocery shopping, car cleaning, working on projects together, etc... It is now implied that we are together whenever we are not at work (that is if I go home after work, he would text me WHEN I'm heading over, not IF). I have asked him several times for assurance whether this is what he wanted, I made it clear I don't want to intrude or make him feel like he has no space, and he told me that if that is what he wanted he would let me know. We really enjoy each other's company, but thing is, we completely skipped that "dating" portion of a relationship and pretty much jumped into "the relationship". Except it is not. And I don't blame him, it has only been a couple of months, we still don't really know each other THAT well. We are just very attracted to each other and get along well. In the past, I have had men ask me to be their girlfriend very early on, a month or so in, but maybe because we work together with this person it feels like we need to take things slower. He refers to us as "seeing each other". I do not want to be his girlfriend right NOW, however I am very interested in knowing where we are headed and how he feels - whether he is actually interested in me outside of the bedroom or if this is just an office fling. I am a confident and assertive woman, but for whatever reason I am having trouble bringing this up, possibly because I am actually interested in this man and concerned about bringing it up too early before he is ready. I don't want to come off as if I am pushing for a relationship, and at the same time I am afraid of rejecting in case his response would be "I am not looking for anything serious". I haven't exactly experienced anything like this before as I can usually read my partners well and know exactly how they feel about me. But with this guy..... I know he likes me and enjoys spending time with me, I know he is not seeing anyone else, I know he is interested in being with me in the future and that it is not just about sex, I know he has talked about me with his brothers and mentioned me to his parents - yet what was discussed I do not know. Yet I do not know if it is time yet to bring it up or how I should approach it. I will greatly appreciate all of your advice! I am hoping some of you went through a similar experience and would love to read your input on this. Am I being delusional? Am I overthinking it? Should I bring it up or should I just let it continue the way it has been? Do you think he is interested in a relationship? Thank you!
ponchsox Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Why don't you ask him how he thinks things are going? I'm sure you will get a good read at where his head is at. I would bring it up while in casual conversation. 1
deathandtaxes Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Actions, not words, define a lot of things in life. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck! You may not want to attach a label to anything, but you're in a relationship. Going steady. Seeing each other. Girlfriend. Whatever you want to call it, you have it! While you may not want to attach a label, you may want to discuss being exclusive. What would you do if you found out he has been banging some chick this whole time you've been 'seeing each other'? 3
pteromom Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Should I bring it up or should I just let it continue the way it has been? YES! Bring it up! It's the only way to move forward. Do you think he is interested in a relationship? Only one way to find out, but going by his actions, I would say odds are in your favor. If he was only coming over for sex, then disappearing until he wanted it again, I would be more worried.
Author ain5053 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Actions, not words, define a lot of things in life. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck! You may not want to attach a label to anything, but you're in a relationship. Going steady. Seeing each other. Girlfriend. Whatever you want to call it, you have it! While you may not want to attach a label, you may want to discuss being exclusive. What would you do if you found out he has been banging some chick this whole time you've been 'seeing each other'? It is not ME who is against giving it a label. I am merely OK with not having a label right now as it is still pretty early on. But typically a man is the one to bring it up and because he hasn't I am worried that he is not interested in a relationship.
Leigh 87 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I cannot fathom virtually living with a guy and yet not knowing whether or not he wants a relationship. I do not recommend women do as you are doing. You could get quiet attached while he is banging some other girl. Or he could all of a sudden meet a girl he IS truly into and then your whole routine with him will change. You should make sure a guy is crazy about you before you play house with him! 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 It is not ME who is against giving it a label. I am merely OK with not having a label right now as it is still pretty early on. But typically a man is the one to bring it up and because he hasn't I am worried that he is not interested in a relationship. Actually. .. When a man interest is mild he doesn't bring up labels. Typically, all the men I know put a label on it within a month if they are truly into a girl. 2
Author ain5053 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) In all my past experiences the men I have dates have also brought up relationship status within the first month. So I don't know. But I can tell he is quite taken by me and is interested in me. I know he is not seeing anyone else. I would say we are both mature people and my guess is that he doesn't want to rush things, especially since we work together and have to interact everyday. But I am craving more.. I want him to show me more affection by expressing his feelings to me. and btw.. we act like a couple in front of his friends too. he has no shame in holding my hand or kissing me when we go out. And I know he is extremely attracted to me. But I dont know, he could have some kind of commitment issues, or likes to take it real slow... Maybe my ego is just getting in the way. I will just bring it up and ask him. Just don't want to come off as impatient or pushy. Edited June 5, 2014 by ain5053
todreaminblue Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 i often skip dating portions in my relationships ......and go into seeing each other pretty full on intense....because i enjoy their company they enjoy mine when we need space we take it..but it becomes a daily contact soemtimes more than twice a day contact thing...not normally in initiated by me.....i dont define what is going on because it is always satisfying to me i love skipping dating adn having undisclosed relationships....i dont define i just say feels good...........i know they care .....i care for them we see how it goes......guys then tend to claim me as their gf .....and its always pretty much unexpected its normally when introducing me to another guy or couple......when sex is involved before firm friendship and trust is involved somehow i have niggles it becomes tricky...doesn't bode well for me or the guy ...... ......not long term...and hard to negotiate a flow......they end as soon as they more or less began and their are not hard feelings involved just acceptance hopefully...well acceptance from me anyway.....i am easy to be ina relationship with and pretty easy to break up with.....what guilt they feel is not mine to feel......and when i have broken up its been right to do so .... i think and feel you should let it flow......let it happen .....when you feel uncomfortable or need space say so and sounds like he will do the same....whoever says what first doesnt matter...all that matters is that it feels right and true to what you want and need...be honest hope its a wonderful relationship for you....best wishes...smilin....deb
Leigh 87 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 In all my past experiences the men I have dates have also brought up relationship status within the first month. So I don't know. But I can tell he is quite taken by me and is interested in me. I know he is not seeing anyone else. I would say we are both mature people and my guess is that he doesn't want to rush things, especially since we work together and have to interact everyday. But I am craving more.. I want him to show me more affection by expressing his feelings to me. and btw.. we act like a couple in front of his friends too. he has no shame in holding my hand or kissing me when we go out. And I know he is extremely attracted to me. But I dont know, he could have some kind of commitment issues, or likes to take it real slow... Maybe my ego is just getting in the way. I will just bring it up and ask him. Just don't want to come off as impatient or pushy. Well if a man is quiet taken by a woman, he will nearly always want a relationship UNLESS there are extenuating circumstances in his life that render a relationship impossible. When a man meets a girl he is smitten with and be cannot stop thinking about her, he generally does as your guy is doing: he sees you often, he shows signs that he is very attracted to you and so on and so forth. If these "smitten" feelings continue to grow as he gets to know you, he will want a relationship. However, some men do start out feeling really into a girl only to change their tune. They realise they were blinded by chemistry but really, they just don't click with you. Generally, a man that starts out being really into you and maintains that feeling/the feeling grows stronger over time, then be will want to lock you down. If this man is still just as "taken" with you as you "think" he is, he would surely know by now after practically living with you, whether or not he wants a relationship. Some men can be very much head over heels but due to being burntIin the past, they take things slower. But make no mistake, a man who IS crazy about you may be naturally weary of starting a relation BUT: he will be faithful and not screwing around with other girls. Emotionally healthy guys who are really into a girl don't want to focus on other people. Bottom line: TALK TO HIM!!! You have been virtually living together and exchanging bodily fluids! You SHOULD feel comfortable enough by now to have a era straight forward conversation with him! If he wants to move in the DIRECTION of a relationship and he is definitely not focusing on other women then I would stick around to see what could happen. However, if he is vague and "unsure" of where you are headed then it is a blaring red flag. A man KNOW after two months if there is a chance that you could be "it" for them....... 2
MalachiX Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 This label thing always confuses me in how much drama it brings for absolutely no reason. Maybe I'm just weird but I never have the "are you my girlfriend?" talk. Shortly after we've slept together (or shortly before), we do talk about exclusivity. Usually it's just one of us volunteering that we're not seeing anyone else and the other confirming. I personally don't want to be sleeping with someone who is dating/sleeping with other people. Beyond that, I think the freak out over labels is kinda silly. When I've been going out with someone exclusively for a few months and my friends know about her (and hers know about me); I just start referring to her as my girlfriend. I don't feel the need to ask permission because when you're that much a part of each other's lives, it pretty much goes without saying. Nevertheless there are so many people out there who seem to take the label so seriously. They do EVERY SINGLE THING which they would consider the definition of being a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" yet have this weird phobia about the label. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're married to the person. It just means you guys are interested in figuring out if you're right for each other. You don't "owe" the other person anything except maybe a face to face break up if you want to end things (rather than a fade away). I've seen a number of people who are in your same place (spending every day together, publicaly sharing affection, introducing each other to friends/family) yet one person will invariably act shocked or frightened when the other points out they're in a relationship. It would be like if I had sex with the same person over and over for two months yet she got frightened when I said, "we're sleeping together." All that said, I may roll my eyes but I honestly don't take it too seriously. I have a good friend who always HAS to say, "I want us to be officially boyfriend/girlfriend!" He always does this even if they've already established exclusivity and met each other's friends/family and he always gets destroyed if the woman is hesitant. I realize it's silly for the woman to act this way but he actually lets this obsession over a label sabotage relationships early on even though he actually already has what we wants. 3
Mrin Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Actions, not words, define a lot of things in life. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it's probably a duck! You may not want to attach a label to anything, but you're in a relationship. Going steady. Seeing each other. Girlfriend. Whatever you want to call it, you have it! While you may not want to attach a label, you may want to discuss being exclusive. What would you do if you found out he has been banging some chick this whole time you've been 'seeing each other'? This. Sounds pretty magical. I would hate to see the magic destroyed by this label and "where is this going" talk. Honestly, he might not know where it is going but really likes it. The talk might make him twitchy and uncomfortable. But I do think it is entirely appropriate to talk sexual exclusivity. You should do that.
jbelle6 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I can see why people think that drama over labels is silly, but I sort of think, if they aren't a big deal, why would one be so frightened of it? I would want to know where I stood if I was giving someone every bit of my free time. 3
MalachiX Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I can see why people think that drama over labels is silly, but I sort of think, if they aren't a big deal, why would one be so frightened of it? I would want to know where I stood if I was giving someone every bit of my free time. If you've been constantly dating someone for months, are exclusive, and public with your relationship then how can you NOT know where you stand? What does the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" change? Don't get me wrong, I think it's kind of silly to have done all those things yet deny you are in a relationship but I also think it's perhaps counterproductive to be so concerned with the label (though I understand how it can hurt one's feelings).
jbelle6 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 If you've been constantly dating someone for months, are exclusive, and public with your relationship then how can you NOT know where you stand? What does the word "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" change? Don't get me wrong, I think it's kind of silly to have done all those things yet deny you are in a relationship but I also think it's perhaps counterproductive to be so concerned with the label (though I understand how it can hurt one's feelings). Sure, but I'd want to know I was exclusive before wasting my time going over each day at the least. I think that talk ALWAYS needs to be had. And if we are exclusive why not call him my boyfriend? Especially as you said, if it's been months or months. I think people now days accept scraps in terms of commitment. People say the same thing, what does marriage change, what's a piece of paper, yet I still want to be married. If I have been exclusive with a guy for a few months seeing him very regularly and he cringed at calling me his girlfriend, I'd wonder. Might not be important to some but I would wonder.
PegNosePete Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 and btw.. we act like a couple in front of his friends too. he has no shame in holding my hand or kissing me when we go out. And I know he is extremely attracted to me. Well how does he introduce you to new friends? "This is my girlfriend Jane", or "this is my friend Jane"? Just ask him if he's dating others, job done.
Conners Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Well if a man is quiet taken by a woman, he will nearly always want a relationship UNLESS there are extenuating circumstances in his life that render a relationship impossible. When a man meets a girl he is smitten with and be cannot stop thinking about her, he generally does as your guy is doing: he sees you often, he shows signs that he is very attracted to you and so on and so forth. If these "smitten" feelings continue to grow as he gets to know you, he will want a relationship. However, some men do start out feeling really into a girl only to change their tune. They realise they were blinded by chemistry but really, they just don't click with you. Generally, a man that starts out being really into you and maintains that feeling/the feeling grows stronger over time, then be will want to lock you down. If this man is still just as "taken" with you as you "think" he is, he would surely know by now after practically living with you, whether or not he wants a relationship. Some men can be very much head over heels but due to being burntIin the past, they take things slower. But make no mistake, a man who IS crazy about you may be naturally weary of starting a relation BUT: he will be faithful and not screwing around with other girls. Emotionally healthy guys who are really into a girl don't want to focus on other people. Bottom line: TALK TO HIM!!! You have been virtually living together and exchanging bodily fluids! You SHOULD feel comfortable enough by now to have a era straight forward conversation with him! If he wants to move in the DIRECTION of a relationship and he is definitely not focusing on other women then I would stick around to see what could happen. However, if he is vague and "unsure" of where you are headed then it is a blaring red flag. A man KNOW after two months if there is a chance that you could be "it" for them....... Leigh, You always write the same generic post. Not all relationships are the same as yours, which you have explained to LS many many times. Some take time to develop and some men simply don't feel comfortable bringing up and talking about emotions. OP: I think there is a very good chance he already thinks you are official. You've been living in each others pockets for two months now, don't be nervous to simply ask him about your "relationship" status. 1
Author ain5053 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Well how does he introduce you to new friends? "This is my girlfriend Jane", or "this is my friend Jane"? Just ask him if he's dating others, job done. Well, all of his friends are work friends, so people I already knew prior to us dating... So in a way they are mutual friends now. And they now refer to us as a couple, for example, if his friend texts him about something it is usually something like "Hey can I stop by and borrow that video game from YOU GUYS?" - possibly because they know we are always together, but I really have no idea what conversations he has regarding me with his friends and family. I know they happen, but I don't know what he tells them. Another thing is because we do work together, and he is actually my lead, outside of our circle of friends we must keep our relationship secret. So maybe that has something to do with it... I know he has also been hurt in the past and might be cautious going into another relationship.
Author ain5053 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Leigh, You always write the same generic post. Not all relationships are the same as yours, which you have explained to LS many many times. Some take time to develop and some men simply don't feel comfortable bringing up and talking about emotions. OP: I think there is a very good chance he already thinks you are official. You've been living in each others pockets for two months now, don't be nervous to simply ask him about your "relationship" status. Exactly, I can tell he is a person that takes a while to open up and not one to necessarily bring up feelings or emotions even though he is experiencing them. He keeps a lot to himself. I can tell he is very comfortable with me at this point and has opened up a lot, but also know he isn't one to bring up his feelings unless being asked to.. But I think if I did ask, he would be honest. (Unlike my past relationship - where my boyfriend would have these feelings and never express them to me, even if I asked, and then completely blindside me with something that's apparently been a problem for a year or so and I had no idea because he would deny any issues) He has referred to us several times as we're "seeing each other".... He told his brothers and mom that he is "seeing" me. And even to myself, he says things like "We are seeing each other." So I am not sure if he thinks he is being clear, and I feel a little dumb to ask him to clarify... Also when he mentions other girls, I've noticed he either talks about his ex girlfriend, or he talks about "this girl I was seeing" - so there is clearly a difference. "Seeing" someone is not official but may develop into a relationship. I am just not sure on how to bring it up. I am usually pretty straghtforward with everything, so I suppose I can just say "Hey so it's time we have that awkward talk" kind of thing and knock it out of the way. I am very flattered by all the responses I have gotten! Very different opinions but all very helpful. This is that subject that there really is no right or wrong answer.... I wish there was!
mirage12 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Exactly, I can tell he is a person that takes a while to open up and not one to necessarily bring up feelings or emotions even though he is experiencing them. He keeps a lot to himself. I can tell he is very comfortable with me at this point and has opened up a lot, but also know he isn't one to bring up his feelings unless being asked to.. But I think if I did ask, he would be honest. (Unlike my past relationship - where my boyfriend would have these feelings and never express them to me, even if I asked, and then completely blindside me with something that's apparently been a problem for a year or so and I had no idea because he would deny any issues) He has referred to us several times as we're "seeing each other".... He told his brothers and mom that he is "seeing" me. And even to myself, he says things like "We are seeing each other." So I am not sure if he thinks he is being clear, and I feel a little dumb to ask him to clarify... Also when he mentions other girls, I've noticed he either talks about his ex girlfriend, or he talks about "this girl I was seeing" - so there is clearly a difference. "Seeing" someone is not official but may develop into a relationship. I am just not sure on how to bring it up. I am usually pretty straghtforward with everything, so I suppose I can just say "Hey so it's time we have that awkward talk" kind of thing and knock it out of the way. I am very flattered by all the responses I have gotten! Very different opinions but all very helpful. This is that subject that there really is no right or wrong answer.... I wish there was! Not sure what you mean when you say there's no "right or wrong" answer. If you're confused about your status, why don't you ask directly? Ie. what are we/am I your girlfriend/where is this going, etc. If you're hanging out with him for this long, it's a valid question for you to ask. If he doesn't respond well to it/gets freaked out/responds negatively, that may not be the answer you're looking for but I would guess it's important for you to know that sooner rather than later. So just ask.
Author ain5053 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Not sure what you mean when you say there's no "right or wrong" answer. If you're confused about your status, why don't you ask directly? Ie. what are we/am I your girlfriend/where is this going, etc. If you're hanging out with him for this long, it's a valid question for you to ask. If he doesn't respond well to it/gets freaked out/responds negatively, that may not be the answer you're looking for but I would guess it's important for you to know that sooner rather than later. So just ask. I guess the only reason I haven't asked is because I am afraid of hearing what I don't want to hear. I have grown quite attached to him and I am afraid that his response will be "I am just not ready for a relationship" or even worse, something vague like "Don't be so concerned with our status, I like spending time with you" or something that will make me seem pushy if I continue to bring it up. Maybe he just needs more time. Just because in the past it took less time, 2 months is still a very short time.. especially when our lives are completely intertwined outside of our relationship. We both understand that it is critical we don't mess it up so it doesn't affect our work relationship, so maybe this is why he is taking it slow. I do think I deserve to know but afraid of what he might say, and then me having to deal with it at work.
Author ain5053 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 But we did make plans for down the road and I can tell he isn't planning on going anywhere. I am almost sure that he wants to be with me. He just hasnt made it official or made any notion of us being exclusive (even though I know we are because we are literally together ALL the time.) This is making me think he is just taking it slow. You know how when you start dating officially with someone you have only known for a month or two, it feels weird to call them your boyfriend/girlfriend at first? There is that awkwardness in a relationship. Maybe this is what he wants to avoid. I understand that. But again, I am just guessing.
Author ain5053 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 He also knows I just got out of a 2 year relationship a couple of months ago, so possibly he thinks I am not ready for another relationship. Although I am sure I have shown more than enough interest in him and he is quick enough to pick up on that, I am sure.
Leigh 87 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 But we did make plans for down the road and I can tell he isn't planning on going anywhere. I am almost sure that he wants to be with me. He just hasnt made it official or made any notion of us being exclusive (even though I know we are because we are literally together ALL the time.) This is making me think he is just taking it slow. You know how when you start dating officially with someone you have only known for a month or two, it feels weird to call them your boyfriend/girlfriend at first? There is that awkwardness in a relationship. Maybe this is what he wants to avoid. I understand that. But again, I am just guessing. Well I don't feel weird calling someone my boyfriend after a month. It's not a marriage proposal. I don't see why he is comfortable having you pretty much LIVE at his place... yet he won't call you his girlfriend? ? This indicates to me that he may be really into you. However: Late last year I practically lived with a guy I was not into. I only viewed hum as a good friend with benefits. I was at a weird place in my life though. I NORMALLY never live with a guy for a month whom I have no romantic feelings towards! !!!!! Just be careful. Please. He is probably smitten with you as you purport him to be....... However, there is a small chance that with the right girl he would be happy to call her his girlfriend..OR, It could purely be a workplace thing..... If it is against company policy to date Co workers. ......
Leigh 87 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I guess the only reason I haven't asked is because I am afraid of hearing what I don't want to hear. I have grown quite attached to him and I am afraid that his response will be "I am just not ready for a relationship" or even worse, something vague like "Don't be so concerned with our status, I like spending time with you" or something that will make me seem pushy if I continue to bring it up. Maybe he just needs more time. Just because in the past it took less time, 2 months is still a very short time.. especially when our lives are completely intertwined outside of our relationship. We both understand that it is critical we don't mess it up so it doesn't affect our work relationship, so maybe this is why he is taking it slow. I do think I deserve to know but afraid of what he might say, and then me having to deal with it at work. And you know that if he does say "I am just not ready for a relationship" it means that he would llikely want a relationship with a girl he was nuts about? Guys can keep girls at bay; they can live with them, act into then and be very attracted to them WITHOUT being truly into them ...... obviously there is a chance this guy is truly very much into you enough to want to try for a future with you. ASK HIM ALREADY!
Recommended Posts