Facebook drama

[littleblackheart]

I have recently had concerns over my partner's online activities:

 

Things haven't been great lately and I've started to agonize over trivial stuff, Facebook being one.

 

It may sound utterly ridiculous, but I'm concerned that he hasn't added me as a friend on facebook, and his relationship status is blank. We do have a few mutual friends but they are his mostly (he has a very tight group of friends) and he's only added a couple of mine. I kind of Facebook stalk him a bit and see that he's quite active on it - liking photos of pretty female friends of his and the like. His wall is set so his friends of friends (that's me) can se what others are posting on there - it's mostly banter but whenever any of his friends refers to me or the baby, he barely acknowledges it.

 

I've also had a look at his private messages (not proud of it...) and saw an old school friend of his (female, pretty and single) got in touch with him and they agreed to meet up in person at some point (the conversation was fairly innocent though...).

 

Thing is, I can't really blame the girl for trying her luck because nowhere on his profile does it say he's in a relationship (public/ friends of friends setting), and I see he's recently deleted a bunch of photos of us. I know he had some on there just for his friends - not me! - to see because I was tagged in a few of them, and now they're gone.

 

Talking to him about it has been an issue - he says I'm paranoid, that he has no intention of meeting up with this girl, etc but I can't help but having a bad feeling. Am I over-reacting (I know I have this tendency, it's in the X chromosome)?

Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal info

[marcjb]

You are not overreacting, his actions have spoken volumes and I don't think you should be tolerating them. He does not take your relationship seriously at all.

[littleblackheart]

thanks for that. I do feel a bit silly because I know it's only facebook and it shouldn't really matter, but it does to me.

[imfine]

Same thing happened to me. Except he had already met up with her & it wasn't innocent. Oh & he didn't tell me anything about it. I found out by accident.

 

You aren't being silly. It's normal to expect the guy you are in a committed relationship with to act like he's in a committed relationship.

[littleblackheart]

thanks imfine. Both your comments should be freaking me out but actually I find them strangely reassuring. And I'm sorry this has happened to you imfine. I don't know whether my partner has been unfaithful to me but he did cheat on a couple of his previous girlfriends, which is why I can kind of see the signs that something bad is about to happen.

 

I have a good mind to just leave now before I get hurt, but with the baby to think about and those pesky feelings that won't go away, and also the fact that I should perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt for now, my head is all over the place...

[Raena]

My ex was the same way about fb. He wouldn't post pictures of us, if I tagged him he would delete it, he wouldn't post anything on my page but was posting stuff all over everyone else's page etc. etc. I found out why... he was cheating and wanted his OW to think that we weren't in a relationship because he had told her that we were living as roommates not as a couple. He portrayed himself as single as much as he could on fb while he was in the affair. As soon as I dumped him, I blocked him on fb and cut him off. I suggest you do the same. It isn't going to get better for you if he won't listen to you about something simple that upsets you.

[littleblackheart]

I suspect you're right Raena. It's just not that simple though...

Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rig88]

In situations like this I'd always advise to trust your gut instinct.

If he's hiding any trace of you on his profile , that should instantly ring alarm bells. You don't deserve to be made to feel like a secret, it's going to ruin your self esteem.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The fact you keep saying you feel silly and that it shouldn't be a big deal because it's 'just facebook' is probably the lack of self confidence that's let him get away with this for so long! If this were three weeks into dating somebody then yes, it'd be silly. But you have a life and a child together! And like it or not, people who have facebook choose to present an image of their life in a particular way. He is choosing to portray himself as being single, which to me tells me that he values this image of himself for whatever reason higher than your feelings on the subject, that's huge warning bells territory right there.

 

And you said things already haven't been great lately, all signs point to him feeling this way too, which probably explains the deleting of your shared pics, him arranging to meet this woman (which is TOTALLY enough to warrant being a betrayal in itself even if he hasn't actually gone through with it yet) and so forth. It sounds to me like he's already checking out of the relationship and looking around for other people. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. But there is not one single good reason for him to not even have you on his friends list, even if he didn't want to list you as his relationship status, your gut knows this and this is why you feel so uneasy.

 

He says you're paranoid (google 'gaslighting') but what exactly is his reason for not adding you?

[ponchsox]

Stuff like this makes me want to delete my Facebook account.

[Leigh 87]

Please don't stay with a man who isn't in love with you just for the sake of a baby.

 

Having a baby shouldn't make you stay together with a man who isn't in love with you.

 

The actions of this man show tthat he is up to no good and isn't crazy about you.

 

You can leave and hire a lawyer to figure out how often he is entitled to see the bbaby or perhaps you can try shared custody. Lawyers are expensive but come on. It's a once off thing with the lawyer.

[Under The Radar]

Stuff like this makes me want to delete my Facebook account.

 

 

Stuff like this is why I've never had a Facebook account.

 

 

The relationship status alone causes so much anxiety and emotional turmoil for many people.

 

 

I definitely empathize with the OP ...... she is not overreacting and has justification for concern.