Borderline personality disorder ex broke up with me

[JoeFallkon]

just be strong. get with your family. do things to stay busy. i know what youre goin through.. i drink myself to sleep everyf fckn nite. none of my fam liked her. like i said.. just let it be. and dont worry too much about him. if he needs help he d ask you..

im still waiting for her to ask me, but till then.. i know shes goin out and stuff. if she doesnt contact me, then o well.

[Emilia]

He's already hit rock bottom.

He's homeless, has only "bad" friends around and left everyone who actually cares, started smoking weed every hour of the day, doesn't have a job, has recently taken pills and has been smoking ice. He got arrested too for theft of a car, possession and driving without a licence and has court coming up.

He's going SO downhill so fast it's worrying.

Before we broke up we were moving forward and thinking of moving away so he can start fresh, and he recognised that he can't get better surrounded by these people now he's done a complete 180.

He's even talking to really scraggy girls and it hurts.

You can't do anything about this Pandalee. Nothing. I KNOW from experience how hard it is to watch. I've seen it with my ex - even though he is much higher functioning than yours, he can keep his job, etc - and cutting contact with him was the hardest.

 

The thing is, getting close to him triggers his engulfment issues. He feels straight away he has to get away from you and do all sorts of things to stop you being close. You trigger him. Your presence in his life triggers him. He isn't capable of appreciating you, OP. You can't adjust his behaviour or his personality or the way his mind works. He will always push you away because the way your closeness to him makes him feel.

 

Do you understand?

It's got to the point where I'm so emotionally exhausted my uni grades have been affected and I can't even find the motivation to shower, wash my hair and do make up regularly when I used to love making myself look/feel good.

I don't want to leave bed and I can't be bothered to even eat.

I've been having more regular panic attacks and overall feeling worthless.

He left me in my time of need.

He will ALWAYS leave you in your time of need. It will be ALWAYS about him. Not you. HIM. ALWAYS.

[stillfiguringitallou]

He will ALWAYS leave you in your time of need. It will be ALWAYS about him. Not you. HIM. ALWAYS.

 

Its important for you to hear and understand this.

 

Whats more important is for you to hear and understand

That you really DO deserve more! You really do!

 

My ex is very functional - holds a job - maintains leases etc. It's part of his need for controlling his surroundings.

[Haydn]

The harder you try with a bpder the more misery it will bring. They just think about themselves. Nothing you do will stop the paranonia. I have no doubt you love him. It is addictive but in the end unworkable.

[Youngy952]

It's got to the point where I'm so emotionally exhausted my uni grades have been affected and I can't even find the motivation to shower, wash my hair and do make up regularly when I used to love making myself look/feel good.

I don't want to leave bed and I can't be bothered to even eat.

I've been having more regular panic attacks and overall feeling worthless.

He left me in my time of need.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I've recently gone through a very similar situation. In fact, I've been through it 5 or 6 times in the past 5 years with the same girl.

 

6 months after my break up, it's much better. You'll get there too, hang in there.

[Pandalee]

The fact that he was saying he was going to kill himself and how unhappy he was to going out with his "mate" talking to all these girls really confuses and hurts me.

Like as if I'm gone now so he's happy. It seems like he never cared about me... He's talking to girls a few days later.

[Emilia]

The fact that he was saying he was going to kill himself and how unhappy he was to going out with his "mate" talking to all these girls really confuses and hurts me.

Like as if I'm gone now so he's happy. It seems like he never cared about me... He's talking to girls a few days later.

It's because he can't handle being close to anyone, Pandalee. He will be exactly the same with everyone. He will end up hating them all.

[Pandalee]

It's because he can't handle being close to anyone, Pandalee. He will be exactly the same with everyone. He will end up hating them all.

 

I'm pretty sure he's begun sleeping with his dealers daughter who is 18 and has two kids that were taken off her...

He had a thing with her years ago but he said it didn't last because they were just friends BUT the fact that he's most likely having sex with a junky with no future makes me feel sick to my stomach... Especially when I have a good future in front of me.

It doesn't make sense and that's the worst part.

[Emilia]

I'm pretty sure he's begun sleeping with his dealers daughter who is 18 and has two kids that were taken off her...

He had a thing with her years ago but he said it didn't last because they were just friends BUT the fact that he's most likely having sex with a junky with no future makes me feel sick to my stomach... Especially when I have a good future in front of me.

It doesn't make sense and that's the worst part.

You do realise that it will never make sense? You MUST put your rational head on for this.

[Radu]

Because it's only happened in the last 6 or so months. He's gone through a really rough time and with therapy (which he's getting) and the right support he can overcome this.

 

I can't find the female equivalent to this question, so here it goes ... why do you feel the need to be Captain Save-a-Ho ?

Why do you need a fixer-upper ?

Is this a pattern in your life ?; to be needed ?

[Pandalee]

I don't need to be needed. I just love him and it was such an intense love that it's stupidly hard to let go even tho I know how horrible it is.

[Emilia]

I don't need to be needed. I just love him and it was such an intense love that it's stupidly hard to let go even tho I know how horrible it is.

You love his neediness unfortunately. It's that child-like state they are in sometimes, when they adore you. It's our desire to be needed.

 

His meanness is him just as much. It's another side of his persona. You absolutely must get rational about this Pandalee and drag yourself out of the hole you let him pull you into. You can't live like this, look what you allowed him to do to you.

[Radu]

I don't need to be needed. I just love him and it was such an intense love that it's stupidly hard to let go even tho I know how horrible it is.

 

Please look up what an 'enabler' means in the context of relationships with ppl like him, or abusers in general.

 

You are the most fertile ground there is for one.

[ThatMan]

The fact that he was saying he was going to kill himself and how unhappy he was to going out with his "mate" talking to all these girls really confuses and hurts me.

Like as if I'm gone now so he's happy. It seems like he never cared about me... He's talking to girls a few days later.

You're absolutely correct.

 

He never truly loved you to begin with and he certainly never cared about you if he is in fact borderline. I'm sure that he is happy you're gone. You will always be his trigger that brings him back to a place of pain and vulnerability. He has BPD which means that any level of intimacy becomes a trigger for him. The real tragedy of this sickness is that they desperately look towards a spouse to correct something broken within themselves. And those very spouses they look towards become the source of their own suffering. This is why you can depend on the usual rhetoric of, "I hate you, don't leave me."

 

It wasn't your fault. There is nothing you can do about it. His behavior is just the nature of the disorder itself which cannot be controlled. People like your spouse treat the those who care about them the most in the worst ways because they're being triggered. Your very presence causes him pain which is why he painted you black.

 

Those with BPD seek out a string of disposable partner objects which they can use as emotional garbage dumps for offloading their projections. Their emotions are so intense to the exclusion of everything else, which means relationships are entirely about themselves and what they can rip out of another person. Where a healthy person would foster a relationship, they would create an attachment instead. You were merely an object and now that you've fulfilled your purpose to the furthest possible extent, he's painted you all black and moved on. He's probably screwed all those women you know about which is fairly typical because of a fear of abandonment. All the more reason to stay far, far away.

Edited June 6, 2014 by ThatMan

[Pandalee]

But does that mean that a bpd will never be able to have a successful relationship? That just breaks my heart for him because he is such a loving and caring guy deep down, his family believes it's drug induced and not actual bpd.

[KaliLove]

I'm pretty sure he's begun sleeping with his dealers daughter who is 18 and has two kids that were taken off her...

He had a thing with her years ago but he said it didn't last because they were just friends BUT the fact that he's most likely having sex with a junky with no future makes me feel sick to my stomach... Especially when I have a good future in front of me.

It doesn't make sense and that's the worst part.

 

Wait wait wait..he had a thing with her years ago and she's just now 18????

 

Also, are you sure neither of her kids is his?

[ThatMan]

But does that mean that a bpd will never be able to have a successful relationship? That just breaks my heart for him because he is such a loving and caring guy deep down, his family believes it's drug induced and not actual bpd.

I think you need to carefully reassess why you believe he's even capable of being loving and caring. He isn't. He's sick. His brain is physically damaged and what you describe is beyond what his sick mind allows.

 

He is not capable of fostering healthy relationships with anyone. Those with BPD cannot even attempt to form a relationship - they search attachments instead.

 

It means that he views mere friends in an entirely different context than you and me ever would. Their world revolves entirely around crippling emotions. They look towards other people as a possible relief and escape from intense emotions. Where we would appreciate another person for so many unique reasons, they worship other people driven entirely by something within themselves. They're motivated by fear which has nothing to do with anybody other than their own troubled mind. So they idealize other people because they falsely perceive a way out.

 

I know that the way he can worship the ground people walk on might be confused with love or care. But it isn't love. It's pain, fear, desperation, and thinking of people as objects to use as a means to make everything better. That has nothing to do with genuine love or care.

Edited June 6, 2014 by ThatMan

[stillfiguringitallou]

You're absolutely correct.

 

His behavior is just the nature of the disorder itself which cannot be controlled. People like your spouse treat the those who care about them the most in the worst ways because they're being triggered. Your very presence causes him pain which is why he painted you black.

 

 

THIS I don't agree with.

 

Since finding out that a close family member is diagnosed BPD I have done a lot of research.

 

SOME - not many no - but SOME of them - DO get better - some of them DO learn what causes them to feel that way and how to manage it to a level that they can live mostly normal lives and have mostly normal relationships.

 

That being said Panda - you are not healthy yourself.

 

You have no boundaries. Even now - with as much as he is inflicting pain on him - you aren't interested in contact to support him in a journey of getting healthy ... you want contact so that you can "love him better"

 

You can't help someone who can't SEE the problem.

 

I love my ex very very much - I will not sit here and accuse him of narcissism - which is the picture you are painting. Despite popular belief not all BPD are also NPD.

 

My ex really DID love me. I think that his flights were more about "saving me" from the unworthy parts of himself that hurt me (critisim, devaluing etc) as he would often say "why do you put up with me when I say those things" - even if leaving me ALSO hurt me. I believe it was as much to protect me - as to protect himself.

 

I believe that "splitting me black" resulted from me approaching my boundaries from a place of aggression and anger - not empathy. He needed me to be the villian - because he COULDN'T FACE how he had treated someone he loved so much.

 

These things CAN get better.

 

But Panda - your ex is no where near a functiong BPD.

 

Your ex is they type that EVERYTHING will always be someone else's fault. Even if he was able to see and acknowledge his disorder he would rather BLAME the disorder and determine he was irretrevably broken - than admit he has a choice and face all the poor ones he's made.

 

I'll say that for my ex. He always acknowledged the one sidedness. He always acknowledged that he loved the way I made him feel, that I was a good person, that he had treated me poorly, after time apart. He just didn't know what was happening to him - or how to stop it.

 

I still have exceptionally limited contact. In regard to the fact that he has one email address - that I check once a week and determine whether to delete his correspondence (when he sends it) or read it based off the first few lines.

 

And I have let him know of my concerns - and that he can count on me for support if he chooses to face them - via email.

 

He can not call me. He can not come to my home. He can correspond with me via this one singular email that only he has the address to.

 

I needed these boundaries to prevent my co dependancy from taking over - to prevent myself from being reeled back in. All he is allowed to discuss are HIS FEELINGS - not me - not our past.

 

Hopefully he will be able to move forward from this and have a healthy relationship some day. And have the stability he longs for.

 

He is my best friend - I would never ask him to face this alone.

 

But I offer my support not because I love him and hope that relationship would be reconciled - I'm not sure if I personally could go back to that after being "split black" and not inadvertently trigger him.

 

But he is my friend - so I offer my support on his journey - within the boundaries that I have set - with no expectation or current desire - for us to have any more than the limited contact we have right now.

[Pandalee]

Wait wait wait..he had a thing with her years ago and she's just now 18????

 

Also, are you sure neither of her kids is his?

 

Yes, I'm positive. She had him before she was with my ex. Her other baby died. And she recently had a miscarriage. Were only 20 so 18 isn't that bad haha!

[stillfiguringitallou]

I think you need to carefully reassess why you believe he's even capable of being loving and caring. He isn't. He's sick. His brain is physically damaged and what you describe is beyond what his sick mind allows.

 

He is not capable of fostering healthy relationships with anyone. Those with BPD cannot even attempt to form a relationship - they search attachments instead.

 

It means that he views mere friends in an entirely different context than you and me ever would. Their world revolves entirely around crippling emotions. They look towards other people as a possible relief and escape from intense emotions. Where we would appreciate another person for so many unique reasons, they worship other people driven entirely by something within themselves. They're motivated by fear which has nothing to do with anybody other than their own troubled mind. So they idealize other people because they falsely perceive a way out.

 

I know that the way he can worship the ground people walk on might be confused with love or care. But it isn't love. It's pain, fear, desperation, and thinking of people as objects to use as a means to make everything better. That has nothing to do with genuine love or care.

 

THIS IS SO FALSE

 

There are not motivated by fear with no root cause - they are motivated by irrational fear that doesn't have a recent reason to exist.

 

Please for christ sake do some reasearch on what is believed to cause BPD. They are not inherently BAD people with brain damage.

 

They were rendered incapable of developing appropriately emotionally at a very young age. But they are perfectly capable of being caring and loving.

 

My sister is BPD and she is one of the most generous and caring and loving people I know.

 

I understand if YOU need to believe this.

 

But your idea that a BPD is ALL BAD - and not capable of genuine emotion and genuine GOOD - is actually a red flag for BPD itself

 

As a forewarning - sometimes those who live extensive periods in a BPD relationship can manifest BPD tendencies to protect themselves from the reality that someone can love you - and be sick enough to hurt you. Usually those with co depenancy issues that NEED to believe the person was "inherently bad" to come to the conclusion there was nothing they could do to help them ...

 

You see this happen with persons with addictive personality disorder in relation to co dependancy as well.

 

You need to come to acceptance that while they are out of control - the choices they make are STILL their choices ... and that includes the choice to get the help and do the work necessary to get better.

 

You need to accept you can't HELP ANYONE with your love UNLESS they can recognize, accept, acknowledge, and DESIRE to change it themselves.

 

It's true most BPD don't meet one of those criteria or all. But it's not true of all. Just because you can't fix them - DOES NOT mean they can not choose to fix themselves.

[Pandalee]

THIS I don't agree with.

 

Since finding out that a close family member is diagnosed BPD I have done a lot of research.

 

SOME - not many no - but SOME of them - DO get better - some of them DO learn what causes them to feel that way and how to manage it to a level that they can live mostly normal lives and have mostly normal relationships.

 

That being said Panda - you are not healthy yourself.

 

You have no boundaries. Even now - with as much as he is inflicting pain on him - you aren't interested in contact to support him in a journey of getting healthy ... you want contact so that you can "love him better"

 

You can't help someone who can't SEE the problem.

 

I love my ex very very much - I will not sit here and accuse him of narcissism - which is the picture you are painting. Despite popular belief not all BPD are also NPD.

 

My ex really DID love me. I think that his flights were more about "saving me" from the unworthy parts of himself that hurt me (critisim, devaluing etc) as he would often say "why do you put up with me when I say those things" - even if leaving me ALSO hurt me. I believe it was as much to protect me - as to protect himself.

 

I believe that "splitting me black" resulted from me approaching my boundaries from a place of aggression and anger - not empathy. He needed me to be the villian - because he COULDN'T FACE how he had treated someone he loved so much.

 

These things CAN get better.

 

But Panda - your ex is no where near a functiong BPD.

 

Your ex is they type that EVERYTHING will always be someone else's fault. Even if he was able to see and acknowledge his disorder he would rather BLAME the disorder and determine he was irretrevably broken - than admit he has a choice and face all the poor ones he's made.

 

I'll say that for my ex. He always acknowledged the one sidedness. He always acknowledged that he loved the way I made him feel, that I was a good person, that he had treated me poorly, after time apart. He just didn't know what was happening to him - or how to stop it.

 

I still have exceptionally limited contact. In regard to the fact that he has one email address - that I check once a week and determine whether to delete his correspondence (when he sends it) or read it based off the first few lines.

 

And I have let him know of my concerns - and that he can count on me for support if he chooses to face them - via email.

 

He can not call me. He can not come to my home. He can correspond with me via this one singular email that only he has the address to.

 

I needed these boundaries to prevent my co dependancy from taking over - to prevent myself from being reeled back in. All he is allowed to discuss are HIS FEELINGS - not me - not our past.

 

Hopefully he will be able to move forward from this and have a healthy relationship some day. And have the stability he longs for.

 

He is my best friend - I would never ask him to face this alone.

 

But I offer my support not because I love him and hope that relationship would be reconciled - I'm not sure if I personally could go back to that after being "split black" and not inadvertently trigger him.

 

But he is my friend - so I offer my support on his journey - within the boundaries that I have set - with no expectation or current desire - for us to have any more than the limited contact we have right now.

 

I don't want to "love him better" I know myself that I gave him my all day after day. I want to stay there to support him because I know it must be hard for him to go through all this with actual no real support. Yes he has friends but they're all deadbeat junkies who wouldn't bother to see him again if he told them he was off the drugs and staying out of trouble.

I don't want to get back with him I know it won't work and the cycle will just repeat. I just want him to know I'm here for support.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I don't want to "love him better" I know myself that I gave him my all day after day. I want to stay there to support him because I know it must be hard for him to go through all this with actual no real support. Yes he has friends but they're all deadbeat junkies who wouldn't bother to see him again if he told them he was off the drugs and staying out of trouble.

I don't want to get back with him I know it won't work and the cycle will just repeat. I just want him to know I'm here for support.

 

Then set your boundaries and stick to them

 

Ignore him when he does things you know he is doing to hurt you. If he asks how you are

 

say something like:

 

I know you want me to say x action is okay, but I can't do that, so what can we do to resolve this.

 

I know you need me to say yes/no to x questions - request - demand - but it's not healthy for me, what can you do to resolve how you are feeling.

 

That is NOT what you are saying here.

 

Throughout this post I've seen you come to some realizations - but still you say you want to be there for him because you love him. Your love is what feeds his disorder - it HURTS HIM.

 

Until you can choose to be there as a support - REGARDLESS of your feelings - this isn't healthy for either of you.

 

As long as your "heart is breaking" over the idea that he may never find love (by refusing to face and acknowledge and work on his own issues) when he is choosing to perpetuate the issue.

 

This is not healthy for either of you.

 

Just let him know - hey - I get what you're going through - I see it - I'd like to support you if you choose to get help for it. But I am not willing to be the one you hurt anymore. I am not willing to allow you to project your feelings onto me anymore. I can be your support - but ONLY if YOU CHOOSE to work towards getting better. If you don't, you are not welcome in my life.

[Pandalee]

That's what I was wanting to say to him if he comes back. At the moment I'm painted black and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but he always comes back and I'm not going to go through it over again and I just need to be prepared/strong enough to say that.

[Emilia]

That's what I was wanting to say to him if he comes back. At the moment I'm painted black and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but he always comes back and I'm not going to go through it over again and I just need to be prepared/strong enough to say that.

It does not matter what you say Pandalee. He can't hear you. You have to ignore him, you can't let him back in your life. You cannot have a rational conversation with someone who is emotionally a 2-year-old.

 

How would you discuss this with a child? You couldn't. There is absolutely no way you can make him understand. He is incapable of understanding you.

 

What you said earlier about his being this amazing person deep down. No, he isn't. What you saw when he hurt you, he is that person too. That darkness and painting you black. He is that person too.

[Radu]

But does that mean that a bpd will never be able to have a successful relationship? That just breaks my heart for him because he is such a loving and caring guy deep down, his family believes it's drug induced and not actual bpd.

 

BPD's have the emotional maturity of a little child, hence the splitting, they cannot reconcile the two images [or more] that exist that makeup a person.

So they can go from loving you most profoundly to seeing you as the next Hitler [and they can be convincing].

 

But all of this happens in the body of an adult.

You cannot discipline an adult like you would a child.

 

As an adult :

- he has more experiences in weaseling away from responsability in one way or the other, in rationalizing

- he has full rights over his body, and he will keep it hostage [i will kill myself !!!], if need be

 

So how can you force your own worldview on this spoiled 7yr old brat ?

You can't.

This is why therapy fails 99% for them, because for therapy to work, they have to acknowledge that there is something horribly wrong with them ... and they will never do that when they don't have the emotional maturity of an adult or the forced maturity you can impose on a child.

 

As for drugs, they are a method to keep away the mind from what they get going through, he chose the easy way out ...