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Posted

Your top priority seems to be this man, so if that is the case, abort. He will resent having to pay child support for the next eighteen years. Can he even afford it? If he knew you were using birth control, it's basically forcing parenthood upon him when he was unwilling. If he knew you didn't use birth control then he has to take responsibility for mutual stupidity.

 

Since you want this man so much, what if he says he loves you but wants to wait until you are both secure in your lives before having kids together and being married? Isn't that worth waiting for?

  • Like 2
Posted
Where did I ever say that we had completely unprotected sex?

 

Given the plethora of contraceptive options avaliable to you, I'm not surprised they made such an assumption. I notice you responded to M.americana's statement with another question as opposed to refuting it and answering it directly...

 

Some of the contraceptive options are 99% reliable, one is even so effective that some women may not ovulate for 6-8 months after use and on rare occasions it may even take up to two years before their fertility returns.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

I don't know what to do. My heart is telling me to keep it, but I'm terrified of ruining us. I plan on telling him in 2.5 weeks when I go visit him. We have an amazing 2.5 week vacation planned, and now I have to tell him this. I honestly don't know how he will react. I know he's pro choice, but we (stupidly) never discussed what we would do if I got pregnant.

 

I am considering sending him a "feeler" message to get an idea of his opinion. Ideas? Advice? I am freaking out.

 

I'm not going to tell you to abort or not to abort - that's an extremely personal decision. All I will say is, considering the fact that you've only been together for a few months - make the decision that YOU want to make. Don't make any decision for 'the sake of the relationship' that you might end up regretting.

 

I am going to ask you, though, why are you so scared about the potential impact on your R (based on the question in your OP)? If you telling him that you have HIS child 'ruins your R', there was not much of an R to ruin, was there? IMO your main concern at this moment shouldn't be about 'salvaging your R'. It should be about deciding what you want to do about your pregnancy. Then talk to him about it. If your R were meant to be, it'll survive your decision. If it doesn't, it wasn't.

 

No, do not send him a 'feeler' message. Think about what you want to do first, then have a talk with him and put everything out in the open. Also, do it over Skype (with cam if possible), none of that texting business.

Edited by Elswyth
Posted
Where did I ever say that we had completely unprotected sex? Or that we'd only been dating for a few weeks?

 

Thanks everyone for the advice. I do appreciate it. I generally know what I want to do now, but it all depends on how he reacts when I tell him. So I'll have a better idea of what's going on in 2 weeks. Again, thanks for the advice.

 

Well... you are pregnant, are you not?? But I'm sorry if I made a wrong assumption. Did you use contraception? Which kind? What failed?

 

Speaking for myself, I am on the pill. But besides that, when I start dating someone new, I use condoms as well. So far, not one single pregnancy!

 

And I'm sorry, but 3 months IS a few weeks.

  • Like 1
Posted

I thought I read that a majority of women miscarry in the first three months so maybe there will be nothing to worry about.

 

If you insist on not using birth control, at least have a few morning after pills on hand.

Posted
I thought I read that a majority of women miscarry in the first three months so maybe there will be nothing to worry about.

 

If you insist on not using birth control, at least have a few morning after pills on hand.

 

The morning after pill... Well, you can get pregnant on them, and they are a lot less safe than the pill, no matter how careful you are following the instructions.

  • Like 1
Posted
The morning after pill... Well, you can get pregnant on them, and they are a lot less safe than the pill...

 

Huh? Morning-after pills cause pregnancy? Wow. You'd better alert the media.

 

Best,

TMichaels

  • Like 1
Posted
Huh? Morning-after pills cause pregnancy? Wow. You'd better alert the media.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I think she was responding to FitChick's (terrible) suggestion that people should use the morning-after pill as routine contraception...

 

And Viking-Liz is right, the morning after pill does have a higher rate of failure than standard BC.

Posted
I thought I read that a majority of women miscarry in the first three months so maybe there will be nothing to worry about.

 

If you insist on not using birth control, at least have a few morning after pills on hand.

 

30% definitely isn't the majority, but it's still a high percentage.

Posted

You are the mother it is if you can provide the love if you can be there to support YOU

 

I cannot stress enough on how you should make this choice based on how you would feel towards having a baby.

 

Wondering if this man will stay or not is not apart of your choice if he stays that is wonderful and great but this choice needs to be entirely based on if you want to keep this child and if you want to love it not having a traditional family is OKAY. Its about if your willing to set your dreams aside and love this child, unconditionally all this child needs is YOU 100% the mother to be there can you do it?

  • Like 3
Posted
I think she was responding to FitChick's (terrible) suggestion that people should use the morning-after pill as routine contraception...

.

Not "people" but HER. You missed the bit "If you insist on not using birth control..."

:rolleyes:

 

If you go through with the pregnancy, see an adoption attorney about adopting out the child to a two parent family who can afford to take care of a baby. They might pick up most of the cost while you continue with your education. Can't put a price on peace of mind.

  • Like 1
Posted
Not "people" but HER. You missed the bit "If you insist on not using birth control..."

 

 

 

If you go through with the pregnancy, see an adoption attorney about adopting out the child to a two parent family who can afford to take care of a baby. They might pick up most of the cost while you continue with your education. Can't put a price on peace of mind.

 

Wow... Are you suggesting that she wont be able to take care of the baby as a single parent? As far as I could read, she does have an education and should/can easily get a job. Regarding herself that is.

 

Many children grow up without one of their biological parents, and are well cared for. Most people who have sex are also aware of the risk, no matter what birth control you use. If he is a good, honest man, he will make the best of the situation, or you`ll find out that he is a complete d**k.

 

Huh? Morning-after pills cause pregnancy? Wow. You'd better alert the media.

 

English is not my native tongue, but I am trying my best :D Obviously with mixed results :D

  • Like 2
Posted
Wow... Are you suggesting that she wont be able to take care of the baby as a single parent?

 

Many children grow up without one of their biological parents, and are well cared for. :D

 

Many children also suffer greatly due to lacking one of their biological parents and society / communities can suffer as a result too. Being a single parent is not to be taken lightly and it's certainly a lot more serious than you made it sound.

  • Like 2
Posted
Many children also suffer greatly due to lacking one of their biological parents and society / communities can suffer as a result too. Being a single parent is not to be taken lightly and it's certainly a lot more serious than you made it sound.

 

Yes and having been raised by a single parent, sometimes the parents can resent the kids once their goals and dreams are on hold as a result.

  • Like 1
Posted
Not "people" but HER. You missed the bit "If you insist on not using birth control..."

 

Last I read, the OP has said that they were using birth control. :confused: I don't honestly see why people don't believe her. Contraception methods do fail, that is why they have failure rates.

Posted
Last I read, the OP has said that they were using birth control. :confused: I don't honestly see why people don't believe her. Contraception methods do fail, that is why they have failure rates.

 

Well... she didn't say they did... Just that she hadn't said they didn't. Not the same thing, to be honest...

Posted
Well... she didn't say they did... Just that she hadn't said they didn't. Not the same thing, to be honest...

 

We'll let her clarify, then. TBH it does irk me that people are jumping to conclusions about her 'insisting on not using birth control' just because she got pregnant. Lots of people have had intercourse result in pregnancy even if contraception was used.

  • Like 1
Posted

The argument about "making it sound easy"... Where have I suggested its easy?

 

What is not easy, I can assure you, is to live your whole life with an abortion you didnt want to make.

 

Many children also suffer greatly due to lacking one of their biological parents

 

Since you use that as an argument, I can assure you that many children suffer in a family with both parents, biological or not.

Posted (edited)
The argument about "making it sound easy"... Where have I suggested its easy?

What is not easy, I can assure you, is to live your whole life with an abortion you didnt want to make.

 

 

I didn't say you were ''making it sound easy'', I said it was more serious than you made it appear. You mentioned the OP's ability to find a job but you missed out so many other important factors to be considered when being a single parent. When you miss out so many other potential pitfalls and challenges other than the ability to find work, it loses it's seriousness in my oppinion.

 

Many children also suffer greatly due to lacking one of their biological parents
Since you use that as an argument, I can assure you that many children suffer in a family with both parents, biological or not.

 

Statistically more children in single parent families suffer than those who have both parents.

 

However, due to the depressing data I ommitted it in the hopes that one would realise that logically, what I said was based on statistics, and not personal assurance, theory or oppinion.

 

Also, that was not my full quote. You missed out the last part.

 

Many children also suffer greatly due to lacking one of their biological parents and society / communities can suffer as a result too.
As I said, every angle needs to be considered in detail. Edited by OnlyHonesty
  • Like 1
Posted
I didn't say you were ''making it sound easy'', I said it was more serious than you made it appear. You mentioned the OP's ability to find a job but you missed out so many other important factors to be considered when being a single parent. When you miss out so many other potential pitfalls and challenges other than the ability to find work, it loses it's seriousness in my oppinion.

 

 

 

Statistically more children in single parent families suffer than those who have both parents.

 

However, due to the depressing data I ommitted it in the hopes that one would realise that logically, what I said was based on statistics, and not personal assurance, theory or oppinion.

 

Also, that was not my full quote. You missed out the last part.

 

As I said, every angle needs to be considered in detail.

 

Very true and as I mentioned before, Viking...better to regret not having a baby than to regret having one. While not openly discussed or admitted, it does happen. People end up resenting their kids as they feel they were held back from pursuing their dreams.

  • Like 1
Posted
Many children also suffer greatly due to lacking one of their biological parents and society / communities can suffer as a result too.

 

But this doesnt differ much from families with both parents present. I highly doubt the community will suffer because of someone being at single parent, but rather from bad/lack of parenting, regardless.

 

You mentioned the OP's ability to find a job but you missed out so many other important factors to be considered when being a single parent. When you miss out so many other potential pitfalls and challenges other than the ability to find work, it loses it's seriousness in my oppinion.

 

Well, bad economy is, and will always be, hard to cope with when caring for more than yourself. A happy, resourceful and safe home is a good start.

 

If I should list up all the considerations she should make, I would never get my posts done.

 

When she is 24 years old, I take it that she is more than old enough to understand the consequences and take what is needed into consideration if she wants to keep the child.

 

To get pregnant while on BC is not uncommon, talking from own experience. And my LDR was younger than hers. I had a SA, if not I would have kept it. On the other hand, if I didnt know I would be able to provide for it, it would not have been an option.

 

I also trusted hubby, and told him straight away. Which I do think OP should have done too, told him as soon as she found out.

  • Like 1
Posted
But this doesnt differ much from families with both parents present. I highly doubt the community will suffer because of someone being at single parent, but rather from bad/lack of parenting, regardless.

 

As I said, statistics paint an entirely different picture. If what you just said was true, the data would not show such a drastic difference between single parent families and families were both parents were present.

 

As I stated, I did not want to post the statistics because they are depressing and the OP is an individual. However, since you insist on making unfounded statements as if they were proven and continue to deny the problem even exists, I have posted just a few of the stats for all to see.

 

 

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.

 

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.[uS D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]

 

85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)

 

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)

 

Children with Fathers who are involved are 70% less likely to drop out of school.

 

85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction)

If I should list up all the considerations she should make, I would never get my posts done.

 

That's an exagerration, you could have easily listed a few more important points than just finance.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.

 

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.[uS D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census]

 

85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)

 

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)

 

Children with Fathers who are involved are 70% less likely to drop out of school.

 

85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction)

 

That is indeed depressing reading, but what are the other factors except the children being fatherless?

 

I can`t help but wonder if you don`t have any kind of support from the council/state at all? Or maybe we do something in my country compared to the US regarding single parenting and how we support them. The welfare fees are not especially high, but they do get follow-up etc. if they would like. If they don`t want it, and things take the wrong turn, it is forced to secure the childs best interests.

 

That's an exagerration, you could have easily listed a few more important points than just finance.

 

Several "points" fall under finance. Like a place to live, the ability to care for the child financially (food, required equipment, clothing, spare time activities etc), make sure it gets education, etc etc.

 

I am sure she have already taken into consideration if she is stable and resourceful enough to raise it, postpone her education, if she is ready to "give up" her childless lifestyle, be "tied down" for several years to come, I could go on. But I can`t be bothered, as I believe that most grown up people can think for themselves.

Edited by Viking-Liz
Added something
  • Like 2
Posted

I blame the welfare system for the explosion of fatherless children. It rewards women who breed and can't afford to pay for their own kids while not penalizing the men. Then taxpayers have to support their dysfunctional lifestyle choices. Fortunately voters are waking up to this fact as recent elections in the US, UK and Europe have demonstrated. No more Benefits Culture!

 

There is nothing wrong with adoption. I envied the few kids in my school who were adopted because they seemed to have a better, happier, more abundant lifestyle than I had living with an angry, depressed, poor divorced mother who resented her own kids. Not unusual under the circumstances.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

OP I had my child at 20 years old, she's now 7 and I am a 27 single parent been through various hurdles taking care of my child on my own but my child, is extremely happy, well behaved, kind and full of heart she's extreamly intelligent often picked to represent her class, she knows she has no father she says that doesn't matter im the best mother in the world. Parent couples often tell me how wonderful my child is to most after parties.

 

Im not all she has, she's got grandparents she see's everyweekend a grandfather that does everything just as a father would, aunts, auncles, cousins I could go on and on...

 

She is HAPPY

 

Don't let people scare you here, its only about if you love this child, love it enough to do what it takes to be there, your life doesn't have to be in perfection, mine wasn't still isn't but she's here now this was my choice yes I resent a bit losing things you will always have that as a parent no matter what age no one likes losing freedom you gain it back bit by bit, its all worth it if you really love them its like giving up one good thing for another if not better thing. Your life with your child will be as great or poor as you make it, being read some silly statistic chart isn't going to be your child's future with you.

 

@fitchick

 

Adoption is a good choice I agree for "babies only" I was adopted at 6 I knew my mom I had an attachment to my mother I grew up heartbroken and confused as to why she's left me I would have massive fights with my adoptive parents disobeying them often, they treated me well too, adoptive kids have many abondonment issues its hard to grow attachment for parents when you're adopted. I think adoption is a good choice only if you're totally willing to give up the baby at birth.

Edited by Omei
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