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So this article I'm reading says men don't like nice women...


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Posted
Why Men Aren't Attracted To Overly Nice Women

Isn't it often true that men prefer bitches, witches and nasty pieces of ass to good girls? For those women who constantly end up being trapped in the "friend's zone" of a relationship it certainly looks that way. Just like nice guys, nice gals seem to finish last.

 

I don't think I fit every description here but I do think I am too nice... How does one change that without becoming cynical and cold? I hear so many men complaining about materialistic b*tchy women and I don't want to be that.

 

How does one strike the balance? I'm desperate to find out. :(

Posted

Different kinds of guys like different kinds of women. I suggest just being yourself, your true self, and standing up for yourself. That way you'll end up with a guy who matches who you really are. Being bitchy or worrying about whether you are "too nice" will just lead you to exactly the kind of cynicism and self-betrayal you want to avoid.

Posted
Men want to spend time with women who are confident, have faith in the future and have their own opinions to express!

 

Right. Uh huh. Not a lot of men appreciate women with 'their own opinions' unless those opinions agree with the men's.

 

This is where acting a little bit nasty or a bit like a bitch can come in handy. Not-so-nice girls have a way of exuding a sense of confidence and independence that men find very arousing and attractive.

 

I find it sad that the writers of these articles always equate 'confident' with 'bitch'. You can be firm without being bitchy; this article just plays right back into the stereotype it purports to be against; that unless you're a milquetoast who agrees with every word, you're a 'bitch' and 'nasty'. :rolleyes:

 

Sure she might be a bit jealous, a bit unreliable and disagree with the man totally when it comes to discussing certain issues, but at least she is not acting like a "yes man."

 

See? Proves my point above. Disagreeing makes you a bitch.

 

OTOH, sometimes you run into someone that you end up agreeing with a great deal just because serendipity tossed you together. I have one friend I've even stopped myself from agreeing with verbally because I figure he might think I'm toadying but the honest and astonishing thing (to me) is that we agree all those things. But I won't pretend to disagree. I'll just not say anything.

 

The point is not to pretend to be what you are not but rather to become more well-rounded as a person for your own sake as well as everyone else's.

 

This isn't about 'niceness' just as the articles about men who are 'too nice' are about 'niceness'. Those articles are about people who stifle their true selves (they disagree but won't say so) or people who have not developed their own senses of self so borrow others' opinions, etc. These are self-abnegating behaviours, not 'niceness'.

Posted

I quit being the "nice friend girl" and ended up much happier for it.

Posted

Sorry, too boring to worth reading. Mainly because the author simply does not wish to leave the safe world of stereotype. God forbid he /she should come with something new.

 

 

It's a really awful article, because he/she confuses things.

 

The main point here is INDEPENDANCY. Being independant. If you're independant it does NOT mean you cannot be nice. It simply means you know how to preserve your priorities.

 

It means you are not clingy willing to change, etc etc. As for 'own' opinions, not all women who happen to have an opinion are b*tches. Some are simpy disagreable to be around. Other are too intelectual, therefore boring.

 

 

My point: it doesn't really matter what men want. What matters is what you want. And how desperate one is either to get or to keep a man near her.

Posted

Oh, I was about to forget: as far as I can remember, men loooove talking and one sure way to impress a guy is to actually listen to what he's saying.

Posted
Originally posted by CurvyGurl

I hear so many men complaining about materialistic b*tchy women and I don't want to be that.

 

yes that is ME. don't think i've ever dated a nice gurl. too boring for me. i am attracted to bitchy women who can be nice someetimes.

 

same goes for women too. if you're a nice guy it's the kiss of death.

 

much of it has to do with your percieved dating "value". in other words, the more people interested in you the less nice you'll be.

Posted
Originally posted by moimeme

Not a lot of men appreciate women with 'their own opinions' unless those opinions agree with the men's.

 

I'm with you there, Moi. I HATE when a woman disagrees with me. Especially when there are other guys around. My girlfriend learned this the hard way. Now she speaks when spoken to.

  • Author
Posted

Stereotypes aside I think the author has a point. While I'm nowhere near a 'yes man' I think I tend to be too nice... too many chances, too forgiving, too accomodating, ready to be open too often, too eager to know him and all about him instead of pacing myself. I feel like I'm in such a hurry to get to the intimate stage and no matter what I do I can't slow myself down.

 

I try to follow his lead, and when he kisses me and we mess around, I think there's something there, but time and again it turned out to just be some Tuesday night fun for him.

 

I wish I could get myself to detach like that. Fun is fun until we say it's more than fun. I can't help letting it mean something to me. And I'm not exactly clingy, but if you email me every day for 3 weeks, it sets an expecation because there is a pattern. So when you suddenly DON'T email me, I"m going to wonder what's wrong, which is gong to make me email you and ask 'what's up?" Then he starts the 'I don't want a relationship' moaning and I keep thinking...........then why did you pursue me, dingbat?

 

 

GUH.

 

 

If only I could follow my own advice.

Posted
Originally posted by CurvyGurl

I try to follow his lead, and when he kisses me and we mess around, I think there's something there, but time and again it turned out to just be some Tuesday night fun for him.

 

sounds like a # of dudes are doing this to you. you are the one thing in common with each situation so you should examine what you may be doing to maybe turn the men off.

 

i know for myself if a woman starts getting too attached too quick or has high expectations early on (meaning first 3 months) i lose interest real fast.

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Posted

I know. I wish I could detach completely, but I don't know how.

Posted

LOOL, Curvygirl, I know. I've been there.

 

I think you can practice some selfcontrol.

 

When I met mu current bf, boy was I crazy about him. But he'd have this infernal schedule and we'd see eachother only once every two weeks in the beginning. I was in such need to feel him close and I was so vulnerable to him... Accidentally, the "seeing eachother more rarely" did the trick.

 

It's perfect. Just take your time. And do it on your own rythm.

 

I know I'm worm and giving and feel like cuddling all the time, but just like you say, it plays against us. In each relationship there's a balance. Try to find your balance in your relationship.

 

Honestely, f*ck nice women/bad women comments. In the end, it's all linked to insecurities and giving off a cool image. I can hear them say "yeah, I'm a b!tch, I've suffered so much,etc etc". So deal with it, don't get revenge on those around you. Men must like them because maybe they need a master. I don't know. Could be the reason they leave them, 'cause one can stand a b!tch for so long.

 

 

What the artcle does not say is that they end up marrying good girls :). Smart one, at least.

Posted

Hey CurvyGurl...

 

Interesting article...thought provoking.

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Posted

I suppose every article can make a woman ponder if that's what's wrong with her.

 

 

*sigh*

 

 

I think Alpha is right. When things happen the same way every time, no matter the man, seek out the one common thread and that thread is me. I have friends telling me it's not me but I think it is.

Posted
I try to follow his lead, and when he kisses me and we mess around, I think there's something there, but time and again it turned out to just be some Tuesday night fun for him.

 

Seems a lot of fellows do live up to the stereotype of being horn dogs who'll take it when they can get it. Not all, but you have to weed out the ones who are interested in more than that, and them wanting physical contact too soon is no way to tell.

 

I can't help letting it mean something to me.

 

I'm the same. My solution is that I won't mess around with someone unless we are in a relationship. I might want to, badly, but I won't because biology built us to bond and physical contact gets the chemicals to create bonds going. I guess different people are affected at different levels but I'm not at all impervious.

 

And I'm not exactly clingy, but if you email me every day for 3 weeks, it sets an expecation because there is a pattern. So when you suddenly DON'T email me, I"m going to wonder what's wrong, which is gong to make me email you and ask 'what's up?" Then he starts the 'I don't want a relationship' moaning and I keep thinking...........then why did you pursue me, dingbat?

 

It would be nice if people sent straightforward signals. Unfortunately, they don't. So you have to use the test of time.

 

Unless you drop the rest of your life for someone, you're not overdoing it. I think it's perhaps more that you become too hopeful too soon and that's what you have to get a rein on. You need to bide your time in relationships, IMHO, if you're prone to attaching easily.

Posted
Originally posted by CurvyGurl

I think Alpha is right. When things happen the same way every time, no matter the man, seek out the one common thread and that thread is me. I have friends telling me it's not me but I think it is.

 

the problem is many times that women invest so much on a first date or a particular guy before they get to know him. i mean i've been of 1st dates with new women and you can just see the gears turning in their heads nameing our childern. WTF????!!!!

 

most men, and i mean the decent men not the dorky guys, look at dating less seriously because we don't hav e a biological clock ticking in the backgoround. we are more relaxed. i have never told a woman i dated i loved her before 6 months of dating.

 

women in general get way too attached way too quick. esp after you have had sex. i mean with most women if you've gone out on 4 dates they think you are their b/f and exclusive w/o even discussing it. no way!

Posted

Y'all should read the thread "Hear ya knockin, but you can't come in" in Sep and div.

 

 

Shed some light on this real fasst!

Posted

Bitchy girls have never interested me at ALL. I'm picky with who I keep company with and I really don't need some girl to be a pain in my ass. I'd rather to have a girlfriend that's like a comfortable chair, a cold drink, and a game of Slayer after a long day. Meaning a girl who is a pleasure to have around. Not one I'd be anxious to bang then have her out of the door before I strangle her. ;)

Posted

You know what I think? I think you, CG, are looking at the effects and you don't like it. The effect is that men leave you or don't finally pursue a relationship with you.

 

 

I also think that there's nothing that you can actually do about it. I'm sorry, people hardly ever change over a thread on LS, no offence. They hear some people's opinion, think about it, realise some things that most probably they didn't want to admit existed.

 

 

I think that one day the reality will finally catch up with you. And then you'll be mad and angry at all the hornballs taking advantage of your being too nice. An then... while angry and upset and vengeful.... you'll realise that it's yur fault because you let them.

 

 

 

You need to break the viscious cercle: realise that you don't need them, you don't have to change your ways for them , but for YOU. You are doing this FOR YOURSELF, because you want a healthy relationship.

 

 

Beside the "men only want sex stereotype", well, if you give them sex, you bet they'll have it. Who's fault is that? How can you even conceive a relationship (close and intimate) with someone whom you barely know? Sorry, those guys are right to run off. You don't know them, CG.

 

You have unsecurity issues. Nothing, absolutely nothing to do with being "a nice girl". It's a pattern. You're not free. You need a man to be complete. This is wrong. Any man. You're not even looking at them. You're suppose to be looking for a him, not a them. See the difference????

Posted
Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

 

When I met mu current bf, boy was I crazy about him. But he'd have this infernal schedule and we'd see eachother only once every two weeks in the beginning. I was in such need to feel him close and I was so vulnerable to him... Accidentally, the "seeing eachother more rarely" did the trick.

 

 

OMG! This is exactly what happened to me and my girlfriend. We see each other rarely and it has drawn us close together.

 

To answer the question I like good girls only. From my experience the women I have dated in the past were the ones looking for the bad boy types (which I am not). This woman is different - finally a good girl good guy combo!

  • Author
Posted
Originally posted by CurlyIam

 

You have unsecurity issues. Nothing, absolutely nothing to do with being "a nice girl". It's a pattern. You're not free. You need a man to be complete. This is wrong. Any man. You're not even looking at them. You're suppose to be looking for a him, not a them. See the difference????

 

 

Mkay. I don't need to be analyzed by someone who doesn't have a clue about me or my history. Thank you very much.

 

Quite actually, I don't need a man to be complete. I've lived the greater part of my life without a man and will continue to do so. I don't date JUST anyone and I do not casually date. I have never had sex with a man.

 

My issue is that I would LIKE to experience DATING, real actual true dating, not "ooh this girl is inexperienced, I can drag her along till I'm sick of her then date someone who'll spread 'em before I ever know her" dating, before I fricking DIE.

 

I have a great life and I enjoy living it. I refuse to believe it's wrong to want someone to share it with.

 

NEVER assume. NEVER.

 

As for the pattern, yes there is one. What I would like to do is dissect it and turn it around. Assuming I'm giving it up and then I'm mad because they dont follow through with a relationship could not be farther from the truth.

Posted

I was hoping to get you mad. :). that's good. It makes you take control. Do that always, and you'll do GREAT.

 

I'm very pleased to hear this. I really am.

 

I know it sounds corny, but girls gotta stick together ;)!!!!

 

Have a great day,

 

Curly

Posted

No need to get ticked at Curly, Curvy (that right there sounds downright silly)

 

I'm getting a little confused. You say you haven't dated, but then you say stuff like

 

I try to follow his lead, and when he kisses me and we mess around, I think there's something there, but time and again it turned out to just be some Tuesday night fun for him.

 

and

 

When things happen the same way every time, no matter the man, seek out the one common thread and that thread is me. I have friends telling me it's not me but I think it is.

 

too eager to know him and all about him instead of pacing myself. I feel like I'm in such a hurry to get to the intimate stage and no matter what I do I can't slow myself down.

 

You make yourself sound like a veteran dater and that you have been quite sexual so don't be mad if people answer you based on your confusing responses.

 

And the fact is, if you behave the way you described above, then Curly's advice is bang on. If you don't then you need to clarify.

Posted
Originally posted by moimeme

You make yourself sound like a veteran dater and that you have been quite sexual so don't be mad if people answer you based on your confusing responses.

 

And the fact is, if you behave the way you described above, then Curly's advice is bang on. If you don't then you need to clarify.

 

isn't CURVYGURL the 31 yr old virgin?!? or is that someone else?

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Posted

TO BE CLEAR:

 

I have dated, as in gone out on dates. Never more than 4 consecutive dates with any one man.

 

When I say messing around, I mean heavy petting, kissing, etc etc. I have never had sex. I have never had or given oral sex.

 

I have never had a boyfriend.

 

I have never been a girlfriend.

 

What I HAVE had is friendships with men that don't go anywhere, and men who seem interested until they find out they aren't getting any, and then I never hear from them again, and men who don't know what they want, and fiddle faddle around and practice the come-here-no-go-away syndrome or I like you but I'm not ready for a relationship, but let's hang out and fool around but it doesn't mean anything.

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