Atticus9292012 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 My ex-husband and I separated almost a year ago. We were back and forth for awhile...mainly because he was having an affair and wouldn't admit it. We have a small child and I really wanted to work things out. After lying to me and dragging me through marriage counseling, I finally filed for divorce in August. We still were kind of involved until September until I finally couldn't deny the cheating anymore. The divorce was finalized in January. I started dating again probably around September, which was a huge mistake. I have gone on dates and flirt with men, but really only two guys have been significant to me at all since my ex-husband. The most recent I am still trying to get over. I realize in falling for him, that I am really not over what happened in my marriage. My ability to fully love and trust someone is wounded, and I think if the object of my affection actually pursued a relationship with me, it would scare the crap out of me and I would probably no longer be interested....as insane as that sounds. Falling in love with an emotionally unavailable person is the exact opposite of healthy. I have decided to stop dating and focus on myself. I feel like I have things I need to work on as a person (not to mention I am studying for the bar exam) and need to just spend time with friends and focus on my own life. A lot of my friends who are divorced have either immediately jumped into a serious relationship or it took them years to even consider dating again. Just curious anyone's personal experience on this topic and maybe things they did to rebuild themselves after a heartbreak like that..... I mean I am in counseling, but just curious other people's experiences. When did you know you were in a healthy place to really date again? Time frame? Feelings? Thanks. 1
firmness Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 First of all, I am sorry to hear this. I went through something similar enough. There is this fine line to walk and it has two dimensions - your readiness, and respect for the person you are dating. You will never know you are ready until it sort of emerges on its own. This is a complex thing and unpredictable (I do not mean erratic, I mean not able to be predicted) and do not let anyone tell you different. There is no "two year rule" or "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone". All that does is generate bad karma for you and make you feel worse in the long run. So take your time and keep trying. When it feels heavy, back off and work on you - I agree and that is what I did/am doing. It works. The second part is the other person. It would be cruel to use another human being to get over someone without them knowing it. Imagine if you met a guy who you absolutely adored, the sex was great, he was kind and manly, smart and funny, and calm and relaxed. And after a few months you found his diary and he said "Hey, I just read Cosmo and some dating advice column for women and it says "The best way to get over someone is to get under them" So I am screwing this great women who adores me, but I am almost over my ex so must figure out how to dump her and move on to my next relationship. Women do this all the time. Do not deny that you have seen that horrific advice. This happens on a mass scale and makes men and women very cynical. So please be careful about that. Be honest up front - say that you are not looking for anything serious, but you are not looking for a FWB thing either. It is hard to find, but I have found that delicate balance with my current girlfriend. So far so good. Not using, no lies, not a temporary thing, but not too much talk about the future. That is for 20-something kids with no children. We are way older and wiser. Live each day as it comes and appreciate every moment for what it is. Do not live in the future (anxiety) or the past (depression) live in the moment (bliss - if you let it be). Good luck 3
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 When did you know you were in a healthy place to really date again? When I stopped worrying about what "place" I was in. Like so many things in life (skiing comes immediately to mind :-), the best results come when you relax and stop worrying about the process. In your efforts to focus on your own life and goals, you'll build a confidence that the right person will find compelling. Paraphrased, my advice would be "stop seeking and you shall find"... Mr. Lucky 2
Movingforward2 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 My ex-husband and I separated almost a year ago. We were back and forth for awhile...mainly because he was having an affair and wouldn't admit it. We have a small child and I really wanted to work things out. After lying to me and dragging me through marriage counseling, I finally filed for divorce in August. We still were kind of involved until September until I finally couldn't deny the cheating anymore. The divorce was finalized in January. I started dating again probably around September, which was a huge mistake. I have gone on dates and flirt with men, but really only two guys have been significant to me at all since my ex-husband. The most recent I am still trying to get over. I realize in falling for him, that I am really not over what happened in my marriage. My ability to fully love and trust someone is wounded, and I think if the object of my affection actually pursued a relationship with me, it would scare the crap out of me and I would probably no longer be interested....as insane as that sounds. Falling in love with an emotionally unavailable person is the exact opposite of healthy. I have decided to stop dating and focus on myself. I feel like I have things I need to work on as a person (not to mention I am studying for the bar exam) and need to just spend time with friends and focus on my own life. A lot of my friends who are divorced have either immediately jumped into a serious relationship or it took them years to even consider dating again. Just curious anyone's personal experience on this topic and maybe things they did to rebuild themselves after a heartbreak like that..... I mean I am in counseling, but just curious other people's experiences. When did you know you were in a healthy place to really date again? Time frame? Feelings? Thanks. In the same boat you are. In the back and forth game, and think I'm coming out of it. Also in Middle Tennessee by the way. Have been "separated" for a year, but off and on since. The dating thing sucks. I don't have any friends that aren't married or been in my situation, so no one can really give any advice. I wouldn't say I'm healthy either. I keep trying, and think I'm alright on most days, but then I have a slip up every now and then. I don't think I can trust anyone either. I'm kind of past the whole bar scene, and really just enjoy sporting events or concerts. I've got 2 daughters that mean the world to me, and really just try to make as many memories with them as possible. I hadn't gone on a date yet, just some back and forth texting, chatting, etc. I find the whole thing just draining, and really don't have time to date anyway. In counseling as well, and between that and posting on here, I can usually get rid of my bull___ for the week. I'm also working my job, and 2 other part time jobs to stay busy so I won't stay at home. Wish I could help, but am in the same boat. It blows. 1
TheBladeRunner Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 All the above are awesome posts! I tried dating before I was ready and it was a complete disaster. The biggest problem with me was that I was waaaaay too needy and I would pretty much force a relationship with a woman that, looking back, I would never have a relationship with. I stopped about 10 months ago and I am currently back at it and I am in a much better place. My "Spidey Senses" are back where they should be and since I am OK being alone I am in no rush to meet the right woman. I just dated a woman 2 weeks ago (went out twice) and it was not a match. She had a lot of stuff she still needed to deal with. Before I would have totally forced it/over looked the red flags.
dichotomy Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) Everyone is different. I was really devastated by my first marriage and betrayal from that wife. I withdrew from everything and stayed out of dating for 1.5 years, and then jumped in to one messed up relationship for a few months and then found my current wife. I wish I could have healed quicker (would like to go back and slap myself to get over it) and dated more casually and seen more women (not just for sexual needs - but to see whats out there for me and find a good match). But You need the time you need to heal - and I did need to wait back then. Now my current wife she also had a bad marriage, but (for long reasons) basically went wild with the dating within 30 days of separating. Had things to prove to herself and her ex husband - I guess. She kept this wild time up for years until shortly after she met me. Not healthy at all - lots of damage done to herself and others. She should have taken a year or more and gotten better therapy and advice on relationships. I hope you take the time you need, get some counseling, and also try to focus on short and long term goals for relationship needs/wants. On line dating or dating in general after divorce is a strange place... focus on the goals and your needs and don't compromise. Edited June 5, 2014 by dichotomy
Author Atticus9292012 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Thank you for the responses. Its nice to hear about other people's struggles in the same situation. I feel so alone sometimes. I'm in my 20's and all of my friends are coupled, married, engaged, and don't get what I am going through at all. I tried the whole get under to get over someone thing early on and it was a huge mistake. It may feel good for awhile to have someone all into you, but its like a band-aid on a gaping wound. You're using those happy good feelings in the early stage of a relationship to mask bigger issues. People get hurt that way. Its definitely a process. Just trying to not think about it. I am definitely a big believer in not looking for someone to fill a void, etc. You have to be okay on your own and the right person will be drawn to your awesomeness and want to be a part of that. One day at a time, right?. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 One day at a time, right?. You have an opportunity that many of your "coupled up" friends don't. You can focus on your child, pursue your education and live life on your own terms. I'll bet many of them are secretly envious of you ... Mr. Lucky 2
TheBladeRunner Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 You have an opportunity that many of your "coupled up" friends don't. You can focus on your child, pursue your education and live life on your own terms. I'll bet many of them are secretly envious of you ... Mr. Lucky This is so true Mr. Lucky, when I separated all my buddies flat out told me they were a little envious of my new freedom. It took me awhile to take advantage of it, but I do appreciate my own time a lot now. 1
Kaleidoscopeheart Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I knew I was ready when I wasn't really angry at my ex anymore and I could just let it go. I think that comes with time. 1
confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 It's been interesting reading these posts- thank you! I was foolishly one of the 'rebound' relationships. I should have really realised that he never had enough time to grieve the loss of his marriage. But sadly I got caught up in the romance and thinking of the future. I'm now very much trying to figure out what to do woth myself. I hate not having that one person to text first thing in the morning, or snuggle up to at night. I guess the whole 'time is a healer' will work out in the end. I feel quite sad but it's really put me off dating a divorced man. Perhaps it was just the poor timing but when you have been with someone so long, it takes a certain character to decide to truly move forward with their lifes and not live in the past.
Movingforward2 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 It definitely takes some time. I would like to think at some point, I'll move forward, but know I'm a long way from there. I'm 12 months in and still doing the limbo with the XW. We met up again this weekend and although it's not termed "dating"....but "hanging out" it's still very confusing. At this point, I've just let it be what it is, and go from there. It's a slippery slope, but one that I'm choosing and taking full responsibility for.
Author Atticus9292012 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 I honestly can say, I feel nothing when I see my ex-husband. He disgusts me. I guess because I know he is in a serious relationship and continues to pursue a sexual relationship with me. He just moved in with his girlfriend (not even going to address my anxieties about what that means for my child in this thread). I keep thinking we've moved past this, and then I get a text message in the middle of the night or he makes a completely inappropriate remark. I used to get angry and we'd fight. Now, I just hang up the phone, flat out ignore it, or leave wherever we are. I started only meeting him in public because the last time he came to my house he put his hands on me. Seriously, he is disgusting. Aside from that, I just feel like if I am continually attracted to emotional unavailability, then I must be emotional unavailable too. It keeps happening. I also have this deep sense of fear and dread when I meet a guy who actually is available for me emotionally. I like get uneasy and cancel dates at the last second, etc. or just stop responding to him. I know its crappy and that is why I need to stop for awhile. 1
nofeelings22 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 My ex-husband and I separated almost a year ago. We were back and forth for awhile...mainly because he was having an affair and wouldn't admit it. We have a small child and I really wanted to work things out. After lying to me and dragging me through marriage counseling, I finally filed for divorce in August. We still were kind of involved until September until I finally couldn't deny the cheating anymore. The divorce was finalized in January. I started dating again probably around September, which was a huge mistake. I have gone on dates and flirt with men, but really only two guys have been significant to me at all since my ex-husband. The most recent I am still trying to get over. I realize in falling for him, that I am really not over what happened in my marriage. My ability to fully love and trust someone is wounded, and I think if the object of my affection actually pursued a relationship with me, it would scare the crap out of me and I would probably no longer be interested....as insane as that sounds. Falling in love with an emotionally unavailable person is the exact opposite of healthy. I have decided to stop dating and focus on myself. I feel like I have things I need to work on as a person (not to mention I am studying for the bar exam) and need to just spend time with friends and focus on my own life. A lot of my friends who are divorced have either immediately jumped into a serious relationship or it took them years to even consider dating again. Just curious anyone's personal experience on this topic and maybe things they did to rebuild themselves after a heartbreak like that..... I mean I am in counseling, but just curious other people's experiences. When did you know you were in a healthy place to really date again? Time frame? Feelings? Thanks. I could have wrote this exact post. After my divorce, I feel identical to the way you feel and mine was quite some time ago. I have a recent post here saying I have no idea what love is, and I'm not sure I do post divorce. If the marriage wasn't love... what is? I am just as scared... terrified really,as you are. I'm going to give it a shot though. Someone I'm seeing just told me they love me. I'm not able to say it back yet, despite how great she is. It's a very hard road back. Maybe no one ever comes back fully. All I know is you can only do your best to try to love again. (_whatever love is)
Movingforward2 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I honestly can say, I feel nothing when I see my ex-husband. He disgusts me. I guess because I know he is in a serious relationship and continues to pursue a sexual relationship with me. He just moved in with his girlfriend (not even going to address my anxieties about what that means for my child in this thread). I keep thinking we've moved past this, and then I get a text message in the middle of the night or he makes a completely inappropriate remark. I used to get angry and we'd fight. Now, I just hang up the phone, flat out ignore it, or leave wherever we are. I started only meeting him in public because the last time he came to my house he put his hands on me. Seriously, he is disgusting. Aside from that, I just feel like if I am continually attracted to emotional unavailability, then I must be emotional unavailable too. It keeps happening. I also have this deep sense of fear and dread when I meet a guy who actually is available for me emotionally. I like get uneasy and cancel dates at the last second, etc. or just stop responding to him. I know its crappy and that is why I need to stop for awhile. I have the same feeling you do as well. I went about 2-3 months talking to other women, getting attention, etc. Then I realized how exhausting it is. I guess that is one reason that draws me back to my XW is how comfortable it is, even though its weird. I asked a woman out that I know pretty well wanted to maybe start seeing me (based on her friends), and then she had to cancel last minute. I have never been so relieved. That was 3 months ago. I don't think I will fully trust someone ever again. I don't see myself ever getting married again. Ever. It leaves such a bad impression and the effort is so hard, why would I want to make that effort again? Not saying I'm completely selfish, but I think what made my marriage/relationship in the great early on, was I didn't have to try. After a certain amount of time, the relationship gets stale, and well things happen and you don't appreciate your partner (at least what happened in my case). You won't make time for them only, and the life gets so busy (kids, etc.) you don't take the time to keep knowing your spouse. That's what keeps me stuck, and going back on and on. It's comfortable, and even after the divorce, I'm not sure I can ever find someone I'd be as comfortable with. 1
RedZin Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 My feeling is that if you don't take the time (and the amount of time is different for everyone) to grieve the loss of your marriage (and it could be just the marriage, not necessarily spouse as well) you will get involved with someone that meets your current needs, but is not necessarily the right person for you. I dated someone before I was really ready and thought it might turn into something. When I told a friend she said it wouldn't work out. I asked her why, and she said that it was because he was the first one. She was right. When he started to get serious, I felt like I was being smothered. I perceived him as clingy, needy, and it made me want to run, which I did. The advice I was given was to date "yourself" first. Explore your interests, pursue your hobbies, and just generally take time to find out what makes you happy and what doesn't. A partner should compliment your life, not complicate it.
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