Healing form an abusive? relationship and break up (warning very long)

[Priv]

I am 8 months out of a pretty intense breakup from a 2 year relationship and starting to feel better everyday. However, I left a piece of myself in that relationship that I am trying to reclaim as she made me feel a very inadequate in and out of the relationship. And was wondering if you could help me see things more clearly. In any case it helps writing it off me.

 

 

The beginning of the relationship was intense, more so than I have experienced before. There were some red flags in the form of control and boundaries but I choose to ignore them as I was in love. Her changing my facebook page to a ‘us’ page with pictures of us etc. etc. and getting a copy of my housekey while I was out working a few months in. I was a bit taken aback but also endeared that she was so into me as was into her. I surprised her for her birthday when we were dating a few months in while she was on a 3 week holiday with a friend in Spain while I was out touring the Alps on my motorbike. Her friend knew the night before and told her because she didn’t want me there too long :S. So I was only to come on her birthday from a certain time. That was the only point in the relationship I thought of breaking up with her, seeing I just travelled several countries to be with my girlfriend for 1 night on her birthday in Spain ( we are Dutch btw). Biggest red flag is that she told me early in the relationship a psychiatrist diagnosed her with a identity disorder. I asked her what disorder (since that is broad spectrum of disorders) but she kept vague about it, while I still don’t believe a psychiatrist diagnoses you without a specific disorder. Apparantly what she told me a few years back she kept running away not knowing what or where she was and there were times where she just sat and was simply not there. Pure disassociation. These are just a few selected bits of the beginning, but believe me if I tell you, compared to my previous relationships it was very intense and loving.

 

 

It wasn’t long before we moved in together and when things changed for the worse. These control and boundary issues were to become more negative very gradually. The house was to kept clean at all times. I am not the cleanliest person so took what she wanted at face value and was eager to make her happy. It was never good enough. We had a cleaning schedule what to do once a week (suggested by me to avoid conflict and know what is expected). Even following that one fight was because I cleaned on a Friday instead of Monday as she wanted to do it early instead of late that next week. Fights mainly consisted of being called names and letting me know what a horrible human being I was. I just tried to calm her down, never called her names or anything. Another just before getting on a plane on holidays. Even saying I’ll do better and promising to follow her ‘instructions’ the fights go on for a hour or 2 making sure I am sufficiently battered into submission. Not wanting sex with her when picking her and a girlfriend up from clubbing at 4 in the morning stupidly drunk and her friend throwing up downstairs (I was tired, and not in the mood). needless to say I didn't sleep that night after an hour long drunk anger fit. The epitome of the anger fits was a few months before the break up. We were moving and I had to dump some stuff with the help of my brother that day. Apparently in her mind we were to do that in the morning instead of after lunch. That anger fit she told me I look like the guy who raped her a few years back when I am angry (the guy isn’t even white…). I wasn’t even angry, just flabbergasted and deeply hurt. That remark broke something in me as I come myself from a broken home where alcohol and sexual abuse were present and can’t stand (sexual) violence.

 

 

But besides the anger fits there was a lot of controlling behaviour. I became unfortunately unemployed the last few months. She demanded to know how many resumes I send out per day. She demanded even a list. I did not do that, I take that as proof that I was “still in there somewhere”. Getting me to the point of crying just before a job interview which she was driving me to as it was close to her work because I left 2 glasses on the table while preparing for it. Before that I did not cry in like 10 years ffs. Whatever I did wrong in her eyes was some kind of unforgivable mistake… Making remarks like ‘I am almost used to you being at home’. Apparently I sigh (don’t we all at times?), which she saw as some kind of personal attack. How I do not dress well or could do better interacting with her family. How I was getting too big from lifting. How she can’t notice I went to university as her exes use big words (doing a second masters atm since the job search isn’t going well so I am sure I am not that stupid). Yea, her ex talked very pompous, but personally I take that as a sign of insecurity and poor interactional skills if you can’t explain difficult concepts in normal language. It wasn’t like this constantly and when everything was in (her) order she was the most loving girlfriend I ever had and were both super into each other. And in the last month how we did not have enough sex (still 2 a week, but no hour long sessions since she got dry and it hurt her so I instigated it less, and of course in hindsight she was checking out and projecting that onto me).

 

 

The relationship was basically walking on egg shells. And the funny thing is, I was happy with it and with her. The whole dynamic became about not doing anything wrong and getting her approval. But I would have died for her.

 

 

Being calmer now I think the breakup 8 months ago couldn’t happen any other way. Being made out as a horrible human being who lies (I did lie to her once about something minor), steals (wtf I paid for everything including living costs) and never cared for her, would be a horrible father to be (she knows I want children), was not doing it for her (sure why not, lets throw in my physique as well, my my non-existent self esteem can take it ) and because of that she got out of a terrible relationship which destroyed her. I truly loved her... It was not till the 6 month mark that I was able to let go of what was said during the breakup, and not till the 8 month mark that my mind allowed to enter the fact she saw a guy she had a date with just before me somewhere in the last 2 months of the relationship. Don’t know if it was just emotional or physical and what became of them after but that really is beside the point and doesn’t change the outcome of any of it really.

 

 

I do want to stress that the above are just little snaps of the relationship, and with the downs were incredible highs throughout and a lot of love on both sides. And I am sure I did plenty wrong, I am no saint.

 

 

I am still struggling with a few things and hope some of you can pitch in, as I want to learn from this and it not being just a very negative experience

 

 

-Was she just unhappy or was there more to it, as in psychologically?

 

 

-Does she really think of me in the above way? Or is there still somewhere in her the thought that maybe there was a lot of good. Because there was. But now, having written it down I think I have the answer.

 

-Was this an abusive relationship, and to what extent. Or is this common in a failing relationship?

 

 

-Would things have been better if I set harder boundaries? Or would we just have broken up sooner?

 

 

-How can I prevent this in the future? I come myself from a broken home, so is my tolerance for this kind of stuff higher? I never thought of leaving her, and that is actually kind of scary to me.

 

 

-Am I subconsciously looking for this? There was no indication of that in the beginning, or perhaps there was but I choose to ignore it.

 

 

-Whats the best way to heal from this? As my self esteem is still in the gutters, and at times still feel her control over me. Like I did and do everything wrong

 

 

-How in the hell could I let it go so far.

Edited June 5, 2014 by Priv

[FortunateSon]

Wow. This is exactly what my ex was like. She was controlling and even admitted to being a "control freak". She would get angry if I didn't make the bed the right way, etc. No matter how hard I tried to make her happy it was never enough, she would find things to be upset about. She was emotionally and verbally abusive, but she would always spin it like I was the bad one. She blamed me or someone else for everything wrong and had no accountability herself. I felt very guilty for a lot of things, but it has been a year since we broke up and I am realizing I wasn't there problem. I would bet money that my ex has borderline personality, she exhibited strong signs in EVERY area. Sound familiar?

[Amy74]

I'm so sorry that you are still struggling with this. Wouldn't it be nice to just hit the erase button in our minds and move on *sigh*

 

So, it sounds like she is just an unhappy person. I'm sure there were times with you when she was happy but she sounds like an unhappy person period--regardless of what you did/didn't do. Happiness is not something that you can create in someone.

 

It doesn't matter what she thinks about you. You know that you are a good person--you can't change what she thinks...it doesn't matter. Sure, we want people that we care about to think well of us...but unfortunately we have no control over that. You know the truth.

 

Was this an abusive relationship--it sounds like you were pretty beaten up...wouldn't you agree?

 

How to prevent this in the future? Excellent question because we do have a tendency to date in patterns sometimes. I would suggest that you take some time out of dating to work on yourself. Rebuild your self esteem--I always say that water seeks it's own level. If we are broken down emotionally we seek/attract other broken down people. If you want to attract someone who has her stuff together you have to get yourself together, emotionally speaking.

 

-Whats the best way to heal from this? Take some time for yourself. Eat better, go to the gym, hang out with friends. FRIENDS--for me this is the biggest factor in surviving a break-up.

 

I wish you well--

[amaysngrace]

Unfortunately rape victims sometimes like to have control of what they can. It comes from being in situations and having no power at all.

 

She sounds very unhealthy.

 

Yes I think you do seek out dysfunctional relationships. It's part of being programmed to not expect too much for yourself because some adult idiot somehow made you believe you never deserved much, even as a child. And you believe it still.

 

You can fix it though. You can heal. It's very possible.

[Priv]

Wow. This is exactly what my ex was like. She was controlling and even admitted to being a "control freak". She would get angry if I didn't make the bed the right way, etc. No matter how hard I tried to make her happy it was never enough, she would find things to be upset about. She was emotionally and verbally abusive, but she would always spin it like I was the bad one. She blamed me or someone else for everything wrong and had no accountability herself. I felt very guilty for a lot of things, but it has been a year since we broke up and I am realizing I wasn't there problem. I would bet money that my ex has borderline personality, she exhibited strong signs in EVERY area. Sound familiar?

 

 

Could be. But im no certified psychologist yet (but hoping to be in the next 3 years, doing a masters in organizational psychology atm and have a bachelor in forensic psychology). But even so, I am way to close to the situation to see something like that clearly and I hate to speculate on labels like that. In the end what was wrong happened, and whether it was a disorder or something else doesn't excuse anything and bears no relevance to me if you know what I mean.

 

 

You are correct about the guilt. The reason I am still hurting is because I took everything to heart. I believed everything said in the relationship and the breakup up till the 6 month mark or so. It is only since this month that I realise she was seeing someone behind my back, though perhaps because it already is 8 months, I am pretty fine with that. It doesn;t change anything. I could/should have known that immediately as I read it all a week after the breakup. Funny how the mind works like that, giving you information when you are ready for it.

[Priv]

I'm so sorry that you are still struggling with this. Wouldn't it be nice to just hit the erase button in our minds and move on *sigh*

 

So, it sounds like she is just an unhappy person. I'm sure there were times with you when she was happy but she sounds like an unhappy person period--regardless of what you did/didn't do. Happiness is not something that you can create in someone.

 

It doesn't matter what she thinks about you. You know that you are a good person--you can't change what she thinks...it doesn't matter. Sure, we want people that we care about to think well of us...but unfortunately we have no control over that. You know the truth.

 

Was this an abusive relationship--it sounds like you were pretty beaten up...wouldn't you agree?

 

How to prevent this in the future? Excellent question because we do have a tendency to date in patterns sometimes. I would suggest that you take some time out of dating to work on yourself. Rebuild your self esteem--I always say that water seeks it's own level. If we are broken down emotionally we seek/attract other broken down people. If you want to attract someone who has her stuff together you have to get yourself together, emotionally speaking.

 

-Whats the best way to heal from this? Take some time for yourself. Eat better, go to the gym, hang out with friends. FRIENDS--for me this is the biggest factor in surviving a break-up.

 

I wish you well--

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

And I meant it when I ask if it was abusive, or just general unhappiness or normal in the end a failing relationship or what. Like I said above I believed everything said at the time and for a long time after. On off days/weeks I still do, and I just need someone to categorize this for me for what it was.

 

 

It wasn't even the anger fits that got to me. Just the day to day little remarks to 'put me in my place'.

 

 

Definitely taking time for myself . Not dating, and loads of gym time. But that is nothing new for me as it has been a hobby for years.

[Priv]

Unfortunately rape victims sometimes like to have control of what they can. It comes from being in situations and having no power at all.

 

She sounds very unhealthy.

 

Yes I think you do seek out dysfunctional relationships. It's part of being programmed to not expect too much for yourself because some adult idiot somehow made you believe you never deserved much, even as a child. And you believe it still.

 

You can fix it though. You can heal. It's very possible.

 

 

 

I am afraid of that too. The last relationships I had were with wonderful women, but one had a eating disorder, the other borderline depressed, and another recovering addict of oxezepam and still using sleeping pills throughout the day. But all of them treated me with respect and love even though they had issues, and the relationships din't work out for other reasons. And I guess noone is as healthy as they think. I certainly am not.

 

 

Maybe I am drawn to unhappy women, or they to me. Haha, I sound very dramatic .

 

 

I do have a abstract idea in my head about what a healthy, 'perfect' relationship should look like and I do strife to attain that with whomever I am dating. Unfortunately it just hasn't worked out so far.

[Grumpybutfun]

DID or dissociative identity disorder is very serious and could explain much of her swinging moods. They used to call this multiple personalities, now they are seeing that sometimes dissociating and not remembering is just one component of it. If she indeed has this disorder due to past trauma, she needs more help than she is currently receiving. Relationships with people who have this is next to impossible. As you saw from her identifying you as someone who is a threat as with her rapist, she can't see things clearly.

Regardless, you will never know if this is what was wrong with her as it sounds like she displayed a lot of unhealthy behaviors.

I don't think there is anything you can do, or could do to have a successful relationship with someone who isn't well and isn't aware of their illness enough to make sweeping changes. I think you were attracted to the manic up she had when she was happy so you accepted the low since you have had past relationships with varying degrees of unwellness. I think you did the best you could, and just got caught up in trying to fix everything, trying to rectify the problems, walking on eggshells.

It does seem to me from what you wrote that this was an abusive relationship on her part. It is next to impossible to fix another person or to satisfy someone who has control issues. I think you need to realize that you did nothing wrong and forgive yourself for taking the abuse and letting her micoromanage you. I think you feel some form of shame in how this relationship progressed, but you really did learn from it and I think in the future, you know to go as soon as these rd flags start waving regardless of the intensity of feelings involved. We all want to feel that kind of intense passion and love so in that you are normal.

Letting go of the shame and regret seems to be where you are. I think you are doing a good job in understanding the dynamics of this relationship. Hopefully as you grieve the demise of it, you can also appreciate that all life lessons come to us as guidance. Sometimes we stay for unhealthy reasons but we learn from them and move on slowly, taking our pain and investing it into us.

Take care of yourself and accept that sometimes love isn't enough to heal someone else. She had issues you couldn't have fixed, only deep psychological help in which she invests all of herself can do that. You survived a deeply disturbing and toxic relationship. You will heal in time and someday find someone who treats you well all the time. Healthy is nice, healthy is possible as I am living it with my wife. You are going to be okay, the worst is over.

Best,

Grumps

[Corvallis]

Hi,

 

Been there, done that. When you date someone with mental issues, you will walk on eggshells the entire relationship. You will try to please them, you will go out of your way to make their lives easier, you will do anything in your power to be the man they want you to be, but it DOES NOT matter if you are the perfect boyfriend, they will always find something wrong with you, they will blame you for their problems. They will say that they are getting worse because of you. They will make you feel like s*t.

I dated an meth addict, then a pain killer addict, and the last one was someone with an incredible low-self esteem that needed reassurance every other day. These are BROKEN people, and I know you want to help, but sadly we CANNOT. We are the ones who will get hurt at the end. In their world, they are the victims. They think the world is against them. These are negative people, and you sound more like a positive person. These people live in a dark hole, and you are more like the light at the end of the tunnel, a light they do not want to see yet. They will suck out all your energy and happiness. After my second ex broke up with me, I thought I was the cause of all his issues, but this is not true.

All I can say is to run away as fast as you can, and never look back. It's so hard at the beginning because you will feel extremely guilty. That's what those people do to people like us, they make us question our own sanity.

Just try to cut off all ties with this person, and focus on yourself for now. It will take time.

 

Remember, nobody can change us, we can change us. We are the sum of the decisions we make!

[Priv]

DID or dissociative identity disorder is very serious and could explain much of her swinging moods. They used to call this multiple personalities, now they are seeing that sometimes dissociating and not remembering is just one component of it. If she indeed has this disorder due to past trauma, she needs more help than she is currently receiving. Relationships with people who have this is next to impossible. As you saw from her identifying you as someone who is a threat as with her rapist, she can't see things clearly.

Regardless, you will never know if this is what was wrong with her as it sounds like she displayed a lot of unhealthy behaviors.

I don't think there is anything you can do, or could do to have a successful relationship with someone who isn't well and isn't aware of their illness enough to make sweeping changes. I think you were attracted to the manic up she had when she was happy so you accepted the low since you have had past relationships with varying degrees of unwellness. I think you did the best you could, and just got caught up in trying to fix everything, trying to rectify the problems, walking on eggshells.

It does seem to me from what you wrote that this was an abusive relationship on her part. It is next to impossible to fix another person or to satisfy someone who has control issues. I think you need to realize that you did nothing wrong and forgive yourself for taking the abuse and letting her micoromanage you. I think you feel some form of shame in how this relationship progressed, but you really did learn from it and I think in the future, you know to go as soon as these rd flags start waving regardless of the intensity of feelings involved. We all want to feel that kind of intense passion and love so in that you are normal.

Letting go of the shame and regret seems to be where you are. I think you are doing a good job in understanding the dynamics of this relationship. Hopefully as you grieve the demise of it, you can also appreciate that all life lessons come to us as guidance. Sometimes we stay for unhealthy reasons but we learn from them and move on slowly, taking our pain and investing it into us.

Take care of yourself and accept that sometimes love isn't enough to heal someone else. She had issues you couldn't have fixed, only deep psychological help in which she invests all of herself can do that. You survived a deeply disturbing and toxic relationship. You will heal in time and someday find someone who treats you well all the time. Healthy is nice, healthy is possible as I am living it with my wife. You are going to be okay, the worst is over.

Best,

Grumps

 

 

 

You might be right, and I am sure something is wrong. DID could explain percieving me as a threat. And she was diagnosed with a identity disorder but she did not know which one or didn't want to tell me and I certainly never pushed her to tell me. The behaviour she exhibited was not in my time, but a year or 2 before we met. In all honesty, I never catched her running away, or 'not being there'. She did tell me it was a dark time in her life and she wasn't convinced it would never come back. But she had not continued treatment. Besides that, dissociation has a high comorbidity with a lot of personality and identity disorders, from depression to PTSD to BDP. One thing your very right about is that I will never know as I am not in her life and as active particpant my judgement is so clouded I wouldn't know up from under. And giving it one label or another is not going to give me any closure anyway nor it does it excuse anything.

 

 

Thanks for stressing that whatever I might have or not have done the outcome would have been the same. That does a world of good. That is something I need to accept.

 

 

I do feel shame and regret, but a personal shame, not a public one. Some of it because I lost a part of myself, some of it the way the relationship progressed, and some because part of me still believes all she said. But mostly because I let it happen and was a willing, almost embracing, participant in it and I need to own up to that. Having said that, I need to figure out how to not let that happen again. But Ill be damned throwing up walls and boundaries so high that my next partner get punished for it.

 

 

What I am not regretting is having loved her, despite the way the relationship progressed. It was a sincere love om my part, something I haven't experienced since my university sweetheart. And maybe in time I will be able to say she too was a wonderful woman who just couldn't handle her baggage at the time.

[Priv]

Hi,

 

Been there, done that. When you date someone with mental issues, you will walk on eggshells the entire relationship. You will try to please them, you will go out of your way to make their lives easier, you will do anything in your power to be the man they want you to be, but it DOES NOT matter if you are the perfect boyfriend, they will always find something wrong with you, they will blame you for their problems. They will say that they are getting worse because of you. They will make you feel like s*t.

I dated an meth addict, then a pain killer addict, and the last one was someone with an incredible low-self esteem that needed reassurance every other day. These are BROKEN people, and I know you want to help, but sadly we CANNOT. We are the ones who will get hurt at the end. In their world, they are the victims. They think the world is against them. These are negative people, and you sound more like a positive person. These people live in a dark hole, and you are more like the light at the end of the tunnel, a light they do not want to see yet. They will suck out all your energy and happiness. After my second ex broke up with me, I thought I was the cause of all his issues, but this is not true.

All I can say is to run away as fast as you can, and never look back. It's so hard at the beginning because you will feel extremely guilty. That's what those people do to people like us, they make us question our own sanity.

Just try to cut off all ties with this person, and focus on yourself for now. It will take time.

 

Remember, nobody can change us, we can change us. We are the sum of the decisions we make!

 

 

Well, we do know how to pick them . The ex I mentioned earlier was hooked on anti anxiety drugs, muscle relaxants and sleeping pills after taking them for way too long for PTSD. I blame the medical system for that. None of that stuff is supposed is to be taken for longer than 2 weeks, and some doctors prescribe it for years. By the time your hooked and your supply is cut off you get so savvy about it that in no time you are seeing 5 different doctors and falsifying prescriptions. Despite her being hooked on the stuff she was a lot of fun though, unforunately she was also still hooked on her ex so we didn't get very far. Perhaps for the best in retrospect.

 

 

That is also how I experienced it. It starts very gradually and before you know it your in and so focused on them that you don't even know where they stop and you begin. I truly believed everything said and done up till a month or 3 ago. And the weird thing is, I can only recall one time in the relationship where I had the fleeting thought 'isnt a girlfriend supposed to make me feel good about myself?'. That quickly dissapeared with the thought that she was right and I should do x or x or x better.

 

 

 

But theres something wrong with me as well. A person of sound mind would have walked away at some point. I didnt. And I need to work on that. Thankfully the last few months I am finally waking up so I can do just that.

[Corvallis]

Welcome to the club,

 

Mine was hooked on xanax, aderall, and seroquel. He used to take up to 3 of each every day with RUM AND COKE!!!

 

I know, I went to a therapist and tried to understand why I was attracted to broken people, and why i decided to stick around trying to 'help' or 'fix' them. She said it was called "insecurity attachment" and "Jesus Complex." We tried to help, and at then end we are the only ones left suffering and wondering what we did wrong, when in fact we did nothing wrong.

I have a restraining order on my ex, he is such a psycho.

 

You live and learn. Just be careful, next time. I kinda keep making the same mistakes, but getting better :-)

[Hoosfoos]

I am in a very similar situation as you. I am 6 months out of a 2 year relationship with a girl I absolutely adored, and was very special to me, but at the same time very critical, controlling, and impossible to please. My mental state after the breakup continues to be very poor, to the point that I am receiving professional help.

 

Obviously I wasnt perfect, but I was told professionally that my need for attachment was so strong that it overruled my common sense in terms of challenging her negative behavior and ignoring red flags. I valued the relationship too much and let her get away with too much and effectively became her doormat. Even with all the effort I put in the relationship she didnt even respect me.

 

Also, apparently, you are attracted unconciously to what you are familiar with. If you were brought up in an atmosphere of dysfuction, abuse, criticism, and control, if you are not careful, that is exactly what you are going to invite into your life as an adult.

 

 

You should research the "Cluster B" of personality disorders from the DSM IV, ie narcisscists, borderlines and histrionics...

you have a psychology background and there is a lot of info out on the web.

These women all seem to use the same playbook.

[Downtown]

A psychiatrist diagnosed her with a identity disorder. I asked her what disorder (since that is broad spectrum of disorders) but she kept vague about it.... Was she just unhappy or was there more to it, as in psychologically?

Priv, I agree with FortunateSon and Hoosfoos that you seem to be describing the warning signs for a "Cluster B" PD and the red flags seem strongest for BPD. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., always being "The Victim" (blaming you for everything), verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), frequent dissociation, vindictiveness, and lack of impulse control -- are classic symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Of course, you cannot diagnose your exGF, i.e., cannot determine whether she "has BPD." That is, you cannot determine whether her BPD traits are so severe that they meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can make a diagnosis. There is a world of difference, however, between making a diagnosis (which is very difficult) and simply spotting the warning signs for a disorder (which is not difficult when you've dated the woman for two years). You are capable of spotting the red flags for BPD -- if you take time to learn what to look for -- because there is nothing subtle about strong occurrences of traits such as verbal abuse, always being "The Victim" and the push-away/pull-back cycle.

 

Priv, I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGGF exhibits these traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits most of these BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know whether her BPD traits are low, normal, moderate, or strong.

 

I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any strong red flags that exist if you take time to learn the warning signs. Most women know, for example, how to spot the warning signs for breast cancer -- without being able to diagnose it. Similarly, most men over 60 know the warning signs for heart attack and stroke -- without being able to diagnose either of those diseases. Likewise, you are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD -- three years before earning your PhD in psychology -- without being able to diagnose it, if you take a little time to learn what to look for.

 

The relationship was basically walking on egg shells.

Nearly all the abused partners walking away from BPDer relationships say that. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I still don’t believe a psychiatrist diagnoses you without a specific disorder.

Actually, it happens all the time when BPD is involved. Psychologists and other therapists generally are loath to tell a high functioning BPDer the name of her disorder -- for her own protection. For this reason, and because insurance carriers almost always refuse to cover BPD treatments, it is common for therapists to withhold the name of the disorder from the patient -- and from the insurance carrier.

 

BPD is nearly always accompanied by at least one "clinical disorder" (such as depression, PTSD, or GAD) -- and most of the time also is accompanied by at least one other PD (such as NPD, HPD, AvPD, or ASPD). The therapists therefore typically will tell the patient and insurance company the name of the co-occurring clinical disorders (which are covered by insurance) and withhold the name of the PDs. The "diagnosis" therefore tends to include only the clinical disorders -- and might also include some vague reference to an undisclosed PD. If you are interested, I discuss several reasons for this withholding of BPD diagnostic information at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

She kept running away not knowing what or where she was and there were times where she just sat and was simply not there. Pure disassociation.

As Grumpy observed, disassociation is the key feature of DID. It also is one of the nine traits used in defining BPD.

 

These are just a few selected bits of the beginning, but believe me if I tell you, compared to my previous relationships it was very intense and loving.

Yes, that's the way a BPDer relationship typically starts. It is extremely intense and passionate and has lots of fireworks. That excitement, together with the BPDer's mirroring of the best aspects of your own personality, quickly leads you to conclude you've met your "soul mate."

 

It wasn’t long before we moved in together and when things changed for the worse.

During the courtship period, the BPDer's infatuation over you convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from her unhappiness. In this way, her infatuation holds her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. As soon as her infatuation starts to fade, however, those two fears return. At that point, you will start triggering a release of the tremendous anger and hurt she's been carrying since early childhood. This is why BPDer relationships quickly transform into the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle shortly after you start living together.

 

Does she really think of me in the above way? Or is there still somewhere in her the thought that maybe there was a lot of good?

Yes, if she actually has strong BPD traits, she likely believes the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth (e.g., your "stealing" from her and your terrible history of lying about the two smoking incidents). A BPDer's "reality" is whatever intense feelings she is experiencing at the moment because she never learned how to intellectually challenge those intense feelings. Instead, she accepts them as self-evident "facts."

 

Hence, a week or a year from now, a BPDer is capable of changing her story 180 degrees -- and she will be absolutely convinced that new story is true too. This "black-white thinking" is a form of splitting. It largely accounts for why BPD is said to be a "thought disorder.

 

Would things have been better if I set harder boundaries? Or would we just have broken up sooner?

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), the outcome would be the same. As you say, you would "just have broken up sooner." The reason is that a BPDer will tolerate your presence in the R/S only as long as you frequently "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim." You did that, at the beginning, while playing the role of "The Rescuer." You also did it, while she was splitting you black, by playing the role of "The Perpetrator" (the cause of her every misfortune). As soon as you stop playing those two roles (by building strong personal boundaries), your days are numbered. She will walk out on you. She will preemptively abandon you to prevent you from doing it to her.

 

How can I prevent this in the future?

BPDers are very easy to fall in love with. It is extremely difficult to resist the charms of a beautiful woman who love bombs you with adoration. Hence, if you are an excessive caregiver like me, you may have much greater success with getting out of the toxic R/S quickly than with avoiding it entirely. If you are an excessive caregiver (EC), your problem is not wanting to help others. Rather, it is being willing to continue helping even when it is to your great detriment to do so -- and even when your "help" is an enabling behavior that harms your loved one.

 

Being an EC would mean that your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). The result is that an EC will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until he finds one who desperately needs him -- as will be evident in the love bombing and adoration heaped upon him. Finding a healthy woman requires, then, that you have the patience to wait several months for the fireworks and intense emotions -- rather than expecting it to occur in the first two weeks.

 

Am I subconsciously looking for this?

If you are an excessive caregiver, then the answer is "yes." If not, then perhaps you simply stumbled upon an unstable woman. As I said above, BPDers are VERY EASY to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. When a BPDer is being good, she is very very good.

 

Priv, if you would like to read more about BPD red flags, I provide a list at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Priv.