lostgirl92 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 So I met a guy online recently, and we really hit it off. Last Thursday I gave him my number and ever since we had been in constant communication. We planned a coffee date for Sunday but had to reschedule. The communication still stayed constant and we made plans again. So yesterday (Wednesday) we finally met up for coffee. He didn't pay for my coffee but I figured that it was a casual getting to know each other after work so I wasn't bothered by it in the least. We spent a good couple of hours together, the conversation flowed really well, we laughed a lot and there was some flirting- definite attraction (Well atleast I thought so!). Overall, I thought it was a great first 'date'. We ended up leaving shocked at how late it had gotten, and decided to head home because he had a long journey back. We left each other at the station with a hug. I texted him a couple of hours later just to say Hey, I hope you didn't get home too late..as we had been joking about it earlier. I didn't say anything more or try to come off as too keen but I've heard nothing back. I'm really confused as to why a guy who texted me nonstop for a week and seemingly enjoyed the date as much as I did has suddenly become quiet? (He'd definitely seen my message and been online- that knowledge I have thanks to whatsapp) It's knocked my confidence a little, and I know that he owes me no explanation..so I turn to you all! What do you think? Why has he disappeared so to speak?
martaldn Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I have just read another post like this in here today and I have a first date myself tonight.. I am starting to freak out he is not gonna text me back tomorrow lol! I would leave him for the moment.. he read the message and the ball is in his court now.. in case he doesnt reply i would send another message within few days and see what happen. if still silence then leave it be.. good luck!!! :) 2
Author lostgirl92 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 I have just read another post like this in here today and I have a first date myself tonight.. I am starting to freak out he is not gonna text me back tomorrow lol! I would leave him for the moment.. he read the message and the ball is in his court now.. in case he doesnt reply i would send another message within few days and see what happen. if still silence then leave it be.. good luck!!! :) Haha don't freak out! I have had good experiences before, that's why I'm just really confused by this guy. Have a good time on your date - and thanks for your reply! Guess I'll just have to wait and see 1
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Maybe he didn't have as good a time as you thought he did. Or he was juggling other dates and he chose someone else. Or his prison warden took his phone away from him. Or he got abducted by aliens. My point is, it generally doesn't help trying to analyze too deeply into this kind of thing. The fact is, he didn't call you back which means for whatever reason, he's simply not interested. NEXT! 2
Charmander Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Maybe he didn't have as good a time as you thought he did. Or he was juggling other dates and he chose someone else. Or his prison warden took his phone away from him. Or he got abducted by aliens. My point is, it generally doesn't help trying to analyze too deeply into this kind of thing. The fact is, he didn't call you back which means for whatever reason, he's simply not interested. NEXT! I want to say the latter, so badly. How long has it been? Have you given him time to digest the event at all? Don't throw him out just yet, but definitely keep your options open. I had this happen to me I think two weeks ago now. It's a jerk move on their part to never message you back, but you can look at it in a blessing in disguise because they clearly weren't worth your time if they didn't even feel like communicating with you that they were not interested. Char!
mangetout Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 That's OLD for you. Try and not invest too much time thinking you are compatible with your date till you meet in real life. Even if the date goes well he may just be overly excited. It means NOTHING till he texts you the next day
J21 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I had a coffee date with someone and although we talked for like 2 hours, I just didn't feel the spark. I was being friendly and polite, but when it came to it, there wasn't enough for me to ask for another date. I never said I'd call or anything, just ended the date with a polite "it was nice meeting you, hope you get home safe". I wouldn't get my self esteem dinged, thats how OLD goes sometimes. If he's interested in seeing u again, he will reach out, but don't dwell on it much! 3
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Ya blame OLD - cos nobody ever fails to return a call/text after meeting them in other ways?? 1
HappyLove Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Sorry OP but that's how OLDing is! You think everything is perfect but he's looking at hottie1976 profile when he gets home. All I can tell you is don't put all your eggs in one basket. Keep dating several guys, it especially helps you not to put too much hope into one man. Also keep the first meet short up to an hour. Leave him wanting more.
HappyLove Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Ya blame OLD - cos nobody ever fails to return a call/text after meeting them in other ways?? Uh blame OLDing cause ummmm she was on an OLD!
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 ^ Yah cos the guy you meet in the bar or the supermarket or at your mountain climbing club isn't looking at hottie47486 on his OLD profile when he gets home??? 80% of US singles have tried online dating. It's totally mainstream these days. I really don't get this idea that some people seem to have, that people on OLD are somehow a completely different subset of the population than you'll meet in real life; all the guys are creeps and all the women are all flaky? No, they are the SAME PEOPLE that you meet offline! Just go into a random group of people and ask how many of the singles have an OLD profile... There's a lot of bitter jaded people who have failed or had bad experiences on OLD, telling you that it's all doom and gloom. It's really not. 2
HappyLove Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 ^ Yah cos the guy you meet in the bar or the supermarket or at your mountain climbing club isn't looking at hottie47486 on his OLD profile when he gets home??? 80% of US singles have tried online dating. It's totally mainstream these days. I really don't get this idea that some people seem to have, that people on OLD are somehow a completely different subset of the population than you'll meet in real life; all the guys are creeps and all the women are all flaky? No, they are the SAME PEOPLE that you meet offline! Just go into a random group of people and ask how many of the singles have an OLD profile... There's a lot of bitter jaded people who have failed or had bad experiences on OLD, telling you that it's all doom and gloom. It's really not. OLDing is a whole other beast. Nothing wrong with people who use it. I can find EASY without even trying 20 posts here that say the SAME THING. 'I thought everything was great no contact after first OLD'. It happens with OLDing ALL THE TIME! You'd be naive to think it doesn't. Now finding 20 posts about a guy you met IRL who just up and disappeared after the first date or even months of dating will be very hard to find. People who OLD are very different from people who don't because you have SO MANY options. So how you date online is VERY different from dating IRL. I would never advise anyone who has only dated in real life to expect the exact same behavior when dating online. It's very different indeed! 2
J21 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I agree its an over generalization that OLD people are flakes. It happens regardless. If it doesn't work for u just don't do it, no point in bashing it. It's just another medium to meet people. Anyways, I think him going cold without contact after a first date (when there was numerous contact before the said date) isn't a good indicator. I hope I am wrong and maybe he's been just busy. But in any case, don't take it personal OP, you're gonna need to grow thicker skin than that in OLD world.
PegNosePete Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Uh blame OLDing cause ummmm she was on an OLD! No she wasn't, she was on a real life date with a real life guy. As soon as you meet in real life it's not online any more. I can find EASY without even trying 20 posts here that say the SAME THING. 'I thought everything was great no contact after first OLD'. It happens with OLDing ALL THE TIME! You'd be naive to think it doesn't. Now finding 20 posts about a guy you met IRL who just up and disappeared after the first date or even months of dating will be very hard to find. Uh that's because you're on an internet forum cause ummmm people who come here are by definition internet forum users, therefore much more likely to be using OLD. People who OLD are very different from people who don't You're really missing the point here. You seem to think that OLD users are some small subset of the population. It's not - they are the SAME PEOPLE! Online Dating Statistics | Statistic Brain Walk into a room full of singles and ask how many use OLD, I bet you most of the room would put their hands up. Those that don't are probably just too embarrassed to admit it. Anyway clearly smacking my head against a brick wall, no point arguing any more and it's not helping the OP. Have fun with your misconceptions
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 If you are someone with substance in life you will be someone with substance online. If you are a prick in life you will be a prick online. Latest statistics 72% of singles have a profile online. That single man you met at the supermarket chances are he has a profile online that you don't know about. It's not because you met him at the supermarket that he will treat you better than if you had met him through is online profile. I have done online dating for a couple of years. I treated people I met on there with the same courtesy I use when I met people live. 3
firmness Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 As a man who has been on a handful of dates with women that originated online (OKC and POF) I have a few reasons that might make sense. With this in mind: 1. People say horrible things. Racist things, misandric things, they talk about being "mad" on a first date, they make f-ed up jokes about men, etc. Those are all huge red flags. I once had a date get furious at me because when she went to the bathroom, I talked to a some people at the table next to us - one of whom happened to be a woman - it was our first date and I was not flirting. Never dated her again. Another date decided it would be a good idea to sit on my lap after 1/2 glass of wine 15 minutes into the date. Great when you are 20, not so great when you are 48. Last date with her. A third date started trying to convince me to join her religious cult - ON OUR FIRST DATE! I am not making this stuff up! 2. Some women are on medications, have serious work/career/money challenges , have multiple children, or other issues. These things tend to not come out on the first date. If a deal breaker comes up, it is perfectly within reason to just walk away. Women have taught me this! So why you would be averse to it? Would you not do the same? 3. Modern men are disposable to a degree that they have never been before. We just have to suck this up and deal with it. Like registering for selective service - You may be forced to engage in mass murder and kill and/or die for a cause that has nothing to do with you. It just IS, so we suck it up. In the same way, women use men on a massive scale. Some for money, for sex, to get over their ex, for fun, to show off to their friends, for emotional comfort, or to get to their "better self", to get a promotion, etc. - but in these cases we starting to recognize that we are temporary and disposable....but we are not told this on day one. We can just start smelling it along the way. Otherwise we would not likely stay past the first date - right? Unless we were also looking for something temporary. 4. I could go on, but I will stop at 4. The other biggie is the female privilege thing. This shows up in a lot of very subtle little ways - expecting a man to pay, hold the door, say certain things/no say other things, accommodate her myriad needs without reciprocity. Those days are over and only the weakest men grovel like this any more. Men are not all pigs and dogs. We are not temporary. We are not disposable. Most men are good and decent human beings. I have traveled extensively all over the world and the overwhelming majority (99%) are great men and I am lucky to count some of them as my friends. We want what everyone else wants - it just crisscrosses a lot. Here is the most important part of all, so I encourage you to read this next part very very carefully and maybe even come back to it. TWO very important things: 1. Women in modern American society have been led to believe that only a woman can know how relationships work, so they will only listen to a woman on such matters. But the very people they should be listening to (wise, rational, experienced, reasonable men) they treat with contempt and distrust. You have been told that men are this and men are that. So you continue to listen to women about matters that they can never ever understand. How can a woman know what goes through a man's mind? 2. Too few women know how to take criticism. This is a huge problem. So if a man were to be honest and tell you why he did not continue, you would likely yell at him, act inappropriately, turn it back on him, or otherwise act like the average woman acts. Great men and great women are hard to find. Everyone acknowledges this. You may be an average woman...but who wants to acknowledge this? If you are an average woman, who is going to tell you this? They won't. People will just treat you this way. And one of the ways that men will do this is by walking away. Hate me for saying it if you must, but I am giving you honest feedback here. It is all in the hypothetical because I do not know you, but I would bet a few dollars that I am on the mark somewhere here. Forgive the long post. These things are not conducive to sound bites and quotes - that is for amateurs! (See that last part was a sarcastic, playful joke, not a hateful or racist comment.)
HappyLove Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I agree its an over generalization that OLD people are flakes. It happens regardless. If it doesn't work for u just don't do it, no point in bashing it. It's just another medium to meet people. Anyways, I think him going cold without contact after a first date (when there was numerous contact before the said date) isn't a good indicator. I hope I am wrong and maybe he's been just busy. But in any case, don't take it personal OP, you're gonna need to grow thicker skin than that in OLD world. Why would she need a thicker skin for OLDing if it's the SAME as dating IRL? 1
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Why would she need a thicker skin for OLDing if it's the SAME as dating IRL? Because online you can meet 10s of people in a very short period. You need to be able to process rejection and disappointments quite fast. If you limit yourself to meeting face to face you won't be having dates at that speed, maybe 1 date per 6 months? What's the average of people you meet when you only meet face to face? So if you meet 1 person per 6 months and it's a flop that's 1 flop to process per 6 months. Online is the same BS as in face to face, it's just very concentrated in a very short time. 3
HappyLove Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Because online you can meet 10s of people in a very short period. You need to be able to process rejection and disappointments quite fast. If you limit yourself to meeting face to face you won't be having dates at that speed, maybe 1 date per 6 months? What's the average of people you meet when you only meet face to face? So if you meet 1 person per 6 months and it's a flop that's 1 flop to process per 6 months. Online is the same BS as in face to face, it's just very concentrated in a very short time. Exactly, which makes it different than dating IRL because you have so many options! You have to learn to manage your expectations in a different way.
jbelle6 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Because online you can meet 10s of people in a very short period. You need to be able to process rejection and disappointments quite fast. If you limit yourself to meeting face to face you won't be having dates at that speed, maybe 1 date per 6 months? What's the average of people you meet when you only meet face to face? So if you meet 1 person per 6 months and it's a flop that's 1 flop to process per 6 months. Online is the same BS as in face to face, it's just very concentrated in a very short time. I would imagine that people would get GIGS after a date or two just checking their profile just because of the volume of options there are. A guy you meet at the coffee shop you go to is less likely to flake than some guy who will never run into you anyways. All of my friends who online date say it's very very different. That isn't to say there are not upsides to it and I don't look down on anyone who online dates, it just seems that I get flaked on a lot less meeting guys IRL than my friends who meet guys OLD, and they mention that, I also meet less men so there is a give and take. Pros and cons for both. Also, when you meet someone in real life you can tell a lot about chemistry that you will NEVER get looking at a profile pic, you also know what they truly currently look like, so I think you'd get less people in real life flaking after one date, and I think people would feel worse standing up a real live person versus a profile on a screen. 1
MissBee Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 So I met a guy online recently, and we really hit it off. Last Thursday I gave him my number and ever since we had been in constant communication. We planned a coffee date for Sunday but had to reschedule. The communication still stayed constant and we made plans again. So yesterday (Wednesday) we finally met up for coffee. He didn't pay for my coffee but I figured that it was a casual getting to know each other after work so I wasn't bothered by it in the least. We spent a good couple of hours together, the conversation flowed really well, we laughed a lot and there was some flirting- definite attraction (Well atleast I thought so!). Overall, I thought it was a great first 'date'. We ended up leaving shocked at how late it had gotten, and decided to head home because he had a long journey back. We left each other at the station with a hug. I texted him a couple of hours later just to say Hey, I hope you didn't get home too late..as we had been joking about it earlier. I didn't say anything more or try to come off as too keen but I've heard nothing back. I'm really confused as to why a guy who texted me nonstop for a week and seemingly enjoyed the date as much as I did has suddenly become quiet? (He'd definitely seen my message and been online- that knowledge I have thanks to whatsapp) It's knocked my confidence a little, and I know that he owes me no explanation..so I turn to you all! What do you think? Why has he disappeared so to speak? This kind of thing is always puzzling and disappointing but you can't take it personally and allow it to be about you. There could be many reasons for this. He may have enjoyed the date on a friendly level but realized there was no potential for romance, but didn't mind hanging out that night, then later on disappeared. The kinder thing would be to explain he wants to just be friends instead of disappearing, but unfortunately not everyone wants to do that and think disappearing is the best solution. I think the most common thing is that if the person stops communicating after meeting up it means after the meet they lost interest, but again I wouldn't take it personally at all. Such is dating.
phineas Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 He wasn't into you and was being nice. I personally let women know I'm not interested if they contact me after. But, for the most part when I am interested and they aren't, they just ignore me. Online dating was the best way for me to learn to not invest in a woman until we actually have sex and dating and also how to just shrug off rejection.
mortensorchid Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Whether you meet the person in real life or in OLD websites, the old adage is true still: If you have not heard from the other party within 24-48 hours after the get together, you will not hear from him again. He may call/text a week or so later, you might even have a second get together with him still. But he's not that serious about you. He might be a friend but he's not interested in you that way. Period. That's how it works.
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