my journey so far

[wolfmisha]

the following is what i posted few days ago on another forum - noticed this forum is light years ahead in terms of activity and decided to move here

 

first dont judge my spelling and or lack of capital letters and lack of doting at the end of a sentence - working with a broken laptop keyboard, also english is not my native language

 

you can call me wolf and i'm 32

 

3 months ago me and this wonderful girl started dating and we felt in love fast, we both did and it was for the most part woderful

 

i was and felt as her personal hero as i helped her break free from a 4 year old relationn where she was literally a prisoner but a relation that ended from her pov 2 years prior to her meeting me

 

all was well and wonderfull it was the first time in my life i ever felt in love like this, i always tought prior to this that i'm one of those who will never love or be loved in that way

 

2 weeks ago she broke up with me and i'm a mess ever since, spending the first week in denyal and maybe a bit angry not understanding the reasoning behind her decission and the last week crying several times each day once i understood

 

as an individual i'm not the most happy with how i lived my life so far - spent a huge part of my life not careing much for socialization, relationships but mostly was into playing online mmorpg's/ i look back at it now and wonder how on earth could i be so stupid

 

for the last 3 years i went trough some very rough times due to some legal problems ending in a convinction that made it imposible to keep my job - i was army eod/ i''ve spent the last 3 years mostly beeing mad at the world and drinking way to many beers at once and getting in trouble with the law because of my violent and reckless behaviour while drunk - very nasty stuff - hurting myself and others that cared for me

 

i like to belive i'm a good person and i certanly have my strong parts but beeing a drunken bastard eclipsed it

 

she gave gave plenty of signs she was not ok with how i was behaving but i was blind to them then

 

in conclusion my girl left me because of my behaviour and i totally understand that/ she loved me but not the other dude - the drunk idiot/ i'm not that person anymore but that man messed things big time - lost my love, left heartbroken and with a with a big feeling of disrespect twoards myself, guilt and lonellines

 

i don't know what to ask of this comunity - but only writting this down takes a bit of load of my sould - i find perhaps comfort in knowing well intended people will read this and offer some kind of feedback

 

yours trully wolf

 

 

its been a few days of nc so far and i'm allready to see the benefits for myself

 

i still find myself thinking that down the road we might meet again and start all over but im also leaning more on the reality of things

 

after doing some journaling to help deal and understand my feelings i came to the conclussion that i have no hard feelings about this girl, maybe a slight dose of dissapointment with her since she gave me all that bs talk about needing to take a break and her getting in what is a now a long distance rellation with another dude she met 5 times and kissed just once - according to her atleast

 

more i thought about it i realised the breakup was inevitable since i wasnt my best me and i finally got myself togheter to admit all my flaws and forgiving myself, only thing that bothered me was the lack of comunication from her and not sitting face to face with me, laying it all down on the table leaving no questions unanswered - maybe its to much to ask from people

 

imho its healthy to try and get answers when in doubt of wtf happened so i did and i called her on the phone after she kept ressisting meeting face to face once it became obvious she no loger wants me - before calling i was allready commited to start nc right after - if the ex still cares for you she will provide you with a few answers

 

i'm - well not happy but atleast gratefull - for this experience it was a true eye opener for me on what i was doing wrong with my life, how blind i was was to my suroundings and how much for granted i take life and everything in it

 

i realise my toughts are all over in this post - my mind was everywhere these last few days self anilizing, self critizing myself and trying to understand her decission - trying to walk in her shoes

 

in conclussion im a true beliver in nc - not to get back toghether with her - but get in contact with myself - the future is all mine

 

km19's post inspired me to post here aswell

 

come what may

[wolfmisha]

i need to ask this - in about 5 weeks its gonna be her birthday - in 3 weeks tops i'm moving to another country - chances beeing we wont be seeing eachother for a long time and i intend to stick to nc untill she is indiferent to me

 

i got a present for her - i asked a trully talented in crayon drawing mate of mine to draw my fav pic of her with a mall message in a corner saying : happy birthday - insert cute nickname - and on the back the love poem i wrote right after the pain inside peaked and acceptance hit me

 

i intend to hand her the pressent the day before my flight - my question is should i hand it personally or ask a friend to do it

[David87]

She's your ex and that means no presents and no happy birthday.