leavesonautumn Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've posted and oddly enough it's about the same person from when I originally signed up. My boyfriend and I (I'm 26 now, he's 35, first and only person he's been with) met 5 1/2 years ago and were basically on/off until January of this year (it's been "off" since). We have been through a lot of ups and downs obviously and my main issue was insecurities and his were addictions. Great combo huh hehe. Over the years, my issues have dramatically decreased and his have been less of the focus as he has gotten help. Our on and off consisted of 9 months on, 1 week off, 5 months on, 4 months off etc etc. We had actually moved in together at some point and that lasted about 1 1/2 months until he moved back home. He has lived with his mom and grandmother since I've known him and don't see this changing anytime soon. He has never seen a problem with this where I have always seen it as him holding back from becoming an adult. They basically take care of him like a child.. So... Anyway, after he moved out of the place we rented together in February (2012) we spoke lightly until July of that year (2012) when we met, hooked up and saw each other in secret a few times a week. I helped him through a lot of his issues and felt like a stronger, happier person then I've ever been. So, from July 2012 until January of this year, it was officially the longest we have been together. Every argument ends in a breakup that he initiates by email/text and then he brings communication back. He has always felt like my best friend and when things were good, they were AWESOME and when things were bad, it was extremely horrible. Probably sounds like the typical on/off. Now, this time frame has officially been the longest time since we have not communicated in any form other then a view of each other's linkedin which was not a huge deal. So, today... I was taking the bus home and I saw him driving and decided to go to the mall to get my mind off of it as I was quite shaken. Get to the mall, get some food, sit down and there he is sitting across the food court from me. I felt like melting into the floor but decided to ignore it and tried to eat. I'm not even sure if he saw me, there was a second I was sure that we locked eyes. He left... then I decided to leave as well and walked home. For some reason, this whole scenario has felt like it a HUGE setback and I feel even worse than I did in January after the initial break up. I find it easy to not contact him (he's always the one who initiates it, even as the dumper) as I respect his choice. I also have a huge desire to write him a letter, not to really send it but to write it out and destroy it. My main problem is that I am so used to him eventually contacting me at some point that I think a part of me is just waiting around, even though I have attempted to move on in the past. I feel like I am not allowing myself to move on. I'm not ready to date as this entire situation has basically left me emotionally traumatized. One day I was the love of his life, his soulmate, his "babygirl". He would treat me very well, was faithful, serious about me etc etc and the next he could drop me with no word for weeks. I know he has some very serious issues regarding depression but I don't want to be the person who waits. I'm wasting my 20s on someone who is never sure if they want to be with me. Part of the issue was that I was put on a pedestal but he disagrees. I'm not even really sure what I'm asking, just needed to vent. And trust me dumpees... it's usually better that they don't want you back/don't contact you. Thanks to anyone who reads :bunny: 2
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Well, I saw him again today at the grocery store. Buying some tuna and he walks by the aisle with his mom. I freeze but walk out of the aisle and almost run into his grandma. It did not affect me as badly as last week but this random act of events is really opening my eyes. He still lives with his mom and grandma... probably always will. Turned me off and seeing him was like looking at a stranger. Funny after we had packed 30 years into a 5 year relationship and we knew each other better then anyone we've ever met. Now, I live in a huge city but it's just unfortunate that where he lives is right between where I work and where I live. I've managed to avoid him thus far but will have to make sure to NEVER go to this Safeway ever again hehe.
anemptycup Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 uugh break-ups... i was in an on off for 3 years... i broke up with her in jan - the next day told her i had made a mistake etc.. and begged - she said no... at least you have some class and self respect /control - my ex immediately started dating around - we had broken up just 2 months prior and she wound up talking to folks and going on a few dates back then - so i think she was quick to pick-up where she left off and had a couple of guys on the radar... i know she was acting out of fear, pain and not really thinking much - but, she even slept with a guy just 2 weeks after our break-up... of course it destroyed me... but i still wanted her back... after more begging etc... and crying and breaking down opening my heart (i have learned my lesson) she was stone cold and said no... it was over... she's been extremely active since our break-up... i can't eveb begin to list the things she's been doing - started a new business, been going on dates, lots of volunteer work... it's great... it's been 5 months now since we broke up... and it all sucks of course... she was my love, my best friend... and my life will never be the same again... maybe it's all been a blessing - somehow... i am not the same person i was... have learned a lot about my issues... and have been working daily on them..... i do believe that our greatest purpose on this earth is to live with an open heart and not be afraid... to live and act from a place of love and not fear.... and while it has been hard - a daily battle... i'm still in teh fight and and not going down easy my advice to you would be to work on yourself.. don't WAIT for anything - i know it's hard to do... but you have to everyday... just add more things to your weekly routine.... LIVE LIVE LIVE... if he contacts youa nd things start to get worked out.... great... you will have not wasted time apart.... and if he doesnt contact you - again, you wil have not wasted time.... get on with your life - and get on with letting go... can i ask - how long has it been since you broke up? you guys split in Jan? that's like me and my Ex - is that the longest you've been apart?
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 I know how much it hurts and how you feel right now but you're right, we need to live how your ex is living (not sleeping/dating around but making our lives a better)! May I ask how you're finding out about her life? Not that it's weird but I'm lucky that my ex doesn't have facebook or any online presence and we don't have any mutual friends. On one hand I am just treating it like he's died but seeing him proves that theory wrong. You're right, you will never be the same and neither will I. I've learned so much about relationships and more importantly, myself. I took a promotion at work, I live on my own, I'm independent and this is after we started out as co-dependent and suffering from insecurities that meant it was hard to even leave the house. Yeah, it's been about 5 months this time around. We have been broken up for this length of time before and have never dated anyone else or slept with other people (neither of us). We usually have some form of light communication but this is the first time we don't even have that. I've come to terms with it but it's different that's for sure. However, in terms of our "on" periods, those were always longer than the break ups and weren't filled with doubt like the usual on/off that I've read about on here. We were crazy about each other any time we were on. We just want it to work so bad but we have some incompatibility issues. He's getting jaw surgery done in the next few months and I have a feeling he may contact me because that's just the type of person he is. Always needing an emotional hand to hold.
Author leavesonautumn Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Quick little update... I went on a date with a guy last Friday. He was SUPER nice, really great catch. He's cute and I could tell he was into me. We've been texting and he said we would hang out again once his dad goes back home after visiting. I just feel this huge wall up, I feel so guarded and that I can never let anyone in ever again. I'm not looking at this new guy like he is supposed to be my future husband but it would be nice to date a guy who I genuinely like and who I feel is easy to talk to without feeling guilt. In comparison to my ex... he owns his own home, has a great job, he's my age but maybe that's my problem? I'm comparing him to my ex. Right before the date with this guy, I honestly felt so emotional. As if I'm unlikable, easy to leave, not worthy of anyone's time...
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