aslanscoobyrock Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 So I am male and in my mid 30's. I met a girl online who has just turned 30. We chatted via email for a month or so and the conversation was great. We developed a pattern of emailing every couple of days. We exchanged mobile numbers and followed a similar pattern of text messages to arrange the date. We were both mega busy and she had a personal issue which resulted in us delaying the date for a month or so. Which was fine. The date was amazing. We met on the Friday night early evening because she had work the next morning but ended up staying late - last people in the restaurant. Plenty of stimulating conversation and we both genuinely enjoyed the date and said that we both would like to do it again. She had told me before, and again during the date, how busy her month of June was with work and training courses (and actually my month is pretty packed also). So we said that we would definitely do a date two and a bit weeks later... I thought that yep I can be patient. The only downside during the date was I took the option to suggest that we cut the dating red tape as I felt that she wanted to say something which she was holding back, which resulted in her being a little honest about an ex partner being a workaholic. Which I took as a warning that she expected a certain level of attention as I am successful and I think she thought I could be a workaholic also which is probably true. When she got home she text me to say she was home safe and thanks for a very lovely evening and that she was looking forward to the next date - I replied and we had a couple of text messages that night before bed. She had a work assignment to get finished over weekend and I had work to do. So I texted on Tuesday (assignment day) to say I hoped the assignment went to plan. She replied a couple hours later saying it did and she hoped my work went ok and I was generally good. Sadly I missed the message and then decided to continue the text message pattern prior to the date (i.e. every couple of days) so I replied Thursday morning saying have a great weekend as she was going away for work. I didn't expect to hear back from her over the weekend but by Tuesday I thought I had better text her saying I hope she had a good weekend and was having a good week. It is now Thursday of that same week and I still haven't heard back from her so I decided to man-up and phone her (as the general opinion on this site suggests that women like phone calls more than texts). So this evening I rang her. The phone rang for ages and eventually went to voice mail so I left a short answer phone message showing interest in her weekend and saying I looked forward to organising a date the following week. Im getting very contradictory advise from female friends on why girls expect and what I should do... so I have a number of questions to get the conversation started but would welcome all observations/suggestions... * Was phoning on Thursday a mistake? * Was the pattern of sending messages post date every couple of dates wrong? * Should i have made phone calls after the first date? However, I thought that text's were more convenient for busy people? * I am concerned about her need to share her expectations based on previous partners on a first date - however well it was going and however relaxed she was. I think experience is influencing her behaviour now. Should I cut and run? * Can I recover this situation? I have now taken the initiative a number of times - so should I now wait for her to contact me? If she makes contact should I continue with phoning or go back to text? Many thanks in advance.
ponchsox Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Next time, don't exchange emails for a month before meeting. Email once, talk on phone once, and meet for coffee. Anything else is a waste of time. Sorry to say but she's not interested. If she was, she would have responded to your text the same day and picked up the phone (if not call you right back.) Interested women make themselves available. Uninterested women are too busy.
True Gent Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 In your current situation you now need to do nothing. You were the last one to text her and you've left a voicemail that's plenty enough. It's up to her now to contact you. Personally I wouldn't of built everything up with so much messaging before actually meeting up. This is always a bad move as it often leads to wasted time and disappointment. Despite the fact you feel it went well, I think her talking about exes on a first date is a bad sign. Also she sounds like she's way too busy for a dating life right now, either that or she's keeping her options open and has been casually dating a few guys around the same time to way up her options. I think you just need to wait and see if/when you hear back from her. In the meantime keep your options open. Personally I think you can just put this one down to experience.
Author aslanscoobyrock Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Next time, don't exchange emails for a month before meeting. Email once, talk on phone once, and meet for coffee. Anything else is a waste of time. Interesting - thanks for the online dating advice. Im new to it. Sorry to say but she's not interested. If she was, she would have responded to your text the same day and picked up the phone (if not call you right back.) Interested women make themselves available. Uninterested women are too busy. Two questions: a) Why did she chase me prior to first date to meet up and did the running by texting to arrange? So I take it she was looking for a free drink and dinner then! b) After the first date why did she then initially reply to my messages same day and sound enthusiastic? But as time has passed she has lost interest? Did she lose interest because I didn't text back same day? Was it because I didn't phone and only text? c) I do agree that some one how ever busy - she would have made time.
Shaun-Dro Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 So I am male and in my mid 30's. I met a girl online who has just turned 30. We chatted via email for a month or so and the conversation was great. We developed a pattern of emailing every couple of days. We exchanged mobile numbers and followed a similar pattern of text messages to arrange the date. We were both mega busy and she had a personal issue which resulted in us delaying the date for a month or so. Which was fine. The date was amazing. We met on the Friday night early evening because she had work the next morning but ended up staying late - last people in the restaurant. Plenty of stimulating conversation and we both genuinely enjoyed the date and said that we both would like to do it again. She had told me before, and again during the date, how busy her month of June was with work and training courses (and actually my month is pretty packed also). So we said that we would definitely do a date two and a bit weeks later... I thought that yep I can be patient. The only downside during the date was I took the option to suggest that we cut the dating red tape as I felt that she wanted to say something which she was holding back, which resulted in her being a little honest about an ex partner being a workaholic. Which I took as a warning that she expected a certain level of attention as I am successful and I think she thought I could be a workaholic also which is probably true. When she got home she text me to say she was home safe and thanks for a very lovely evening and that she was looking forward to the next date - I replied and we had a couple of text messages that night before bed. She had a work assignment to get finished over weekend and I had work to do. So I texted on Tuesday (assignment day) to say I hoped the assignment went to plan. She replied a couple hours later saying it did and she hoped my work went ok and I was generally good. Sadly I missed the message and then decided to continue the text message pattern prior to the date (i.e. every couple of days) so I replied Thursday morning saying have a great weekend as she was going away for work. I didn't expect to hear back from her over the weekend but by Tuesday I thought I had better text her saying I hope she had a good weekend and was having a good week. It is now Thursday of that same week and I still haven't heard back from her so I decided to man-up and phone her (as the general opinion on this site suggests that women like phone calls more than texts). So this evening I rang her. The phone rang for ages and eventually went to voice mail so I left a short answer phone message showing interest in her weekend and saying I looked forward to organising a date the following week. Im getting very contradictory advise from female friends on why girls expect and what I should do... so I have a number of questions to get the conversation started but would welcome all observations/suggestions... * Was phoning on Thursday a mistake? * Was the pattern of sending messages post date every couple of dates wrong? * Should i have made phone calls after the first date? However, I thought that text's were more convenient for busy people? * I am concerned about her need to share her expectations based on previous partners on a first date - however well it was going and however relaxed she was. I think experience is influencing her behaviour now. Should I cut and run? * Can I recover this situation? I have now taken the initiative a number of times - so should I now wait for her to contact me? If she makes contact should I continue with phoning or go back to text? Many thanks in advance. Speaking from experience, many women tend to analyze and overanalyze a man that they're currently seeing. In this case, it's you. Whenever women do this, the outcome is always going to be bad, because they try to rationalize the things that can go wrong if and when they begin dating a man. In this case, it's you. I know that sucks. I learned all of this stuff throughout my 20s. Now I'm in my 30s and don't have nowhere near the trouble because I escalate things with a woman very quickly to garner success. Acting fast is key. And while my relationships never really last. It's a issue I have as well as the women I chose, I always get very far with them sexually, so in the end, I'm not at all upset; maybe slightly disappointed depending on how I feel about her. But I pretty much gotten to where I wanted to be. Something tells me you never escalated with this dame. If you failed to do that, then you're going to be left out to dry. Having sex with a woman early, or at least some good oral action gets them to want to see you again quickly. And if you have other qualities that women look for in a man, generally speaking, then you got a good chance of having something worthwhile. So keep this in mind for the next dame you seek. I'd forget this one here. She's changed her mind about you.
Author aslanscoobyrock Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I think her talking about exes on a first date is a bad sign. I agree - I don't think is over her ex-bf. I also get the impression that she hasn't learnt to carry her baggage very well... lets face it - everyone has baggage in the 30s but it is how well you carry it that is important. Also she sounds like she's way too busy for a dating life right now, either that or she's keeping her options open and has been casually dating a few guys around the same time to way up her options. We compared schedules and realised that 2.5 weeks was the earliest opportunity. We are both very well known in our fields of work and busy people - I do get the strong sense that she is just to busy to be dating. Especially as she said she is attracted to successful men - she worries about her bf's putting work first but then I think she does that herself... something ironic there! Thanks for feedback - think your right - put down to experience.
Author aslanscoobyrock Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Speaking from experience, many women tend to analyze and overanalyze a man that they're currently seeing. In this case, it's you. Whenever women do this, the outcome is always going to be bad, because they try to rationalize the things that can go wrong if and when they begin dating a man. In this case, it's you. I know that sucks. I learned all of this stuff throughout my 20s. Now I'm in my 30s and don't have nowhere near the trouble because I escalate things with a woman very quickly to garner success. Acting fast is key. And while my relationships never really last. It's a issue I have as well as the women I chose, I always get very far with them sexually, so in the end, I'm not at all upset; maybe slightly disappointed depending on how I feel about her. But I pretty much gotten to where I wanted to be. Something tells me you never escalated with this dame. If you failed to do that, then you're going to be left out to dry. Having sex with a woman early, or at least some good oral action gets them to want to see you again quickly. And if you have other qualities that women look for in a man, generally speaking, then you got a good chance of having something worthwhile. So keep this in mind for the next dame you seek. I'd forget this one here. She's changed her mind about you. I don't have problems with making it to long term relationships with girls - that conversion rate is good... and Im not the kinda guy looking for quick meaningless sex. I know that is a strange thing to hear in the 21st century! But I totally take your point about not acting fast - and acting fast is key. However, I was trying to respect that fact that she was busy! Thanks for the advice - I think Im putting this down to experience. 2
J21 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Texting everyday or every couple of day is fine, but keep it light. I've tried both methods of "texting frequently after a date" vs "texting once or twice after a date" and the more frequently worked way better for me. The "have a great day/week" message is nice, but it gets repetitive and boring after a while. I hope you were saying other stuff too. I would not have left a voicemail, this is 2014, her phone will let her know she had a missed call. Leaving a voicemail sorta made you look desperate--like you needed to get in contact with her so bad after only 1 date. Furthermore, you didn't say anything new, basically reiterated what you've previously texted her regarding wishing her a good week and getting together again. She got the first message, it was quite unnecessary and desperate looking to leave a voicemail restating that. The ball is on her court now, there's nothing more you should/can do without further hindering your chances. If she is interested she will contact you. Good luck.
Author aslanscoobyrock Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Texting everyday or every couple of day is fine, but keep it light. I've tried both methods of "texting frequently after a date" vs "texting once or twice after a date" and the more frequently worked way better for me. The "have a great day/week" message is nice, but it gets repetitive and boring after a while. I hope you were saying other stuff too. Yes... we both did cover other stuff in our text messages. Kinda continued a text tread of conversation. Kept it light - no questions. I would not have left a voicemail, this is 2014, her phone will let her know she had a missed call. Leaving a voicemail sorta made you look desperate--like you needed to get in contact with her so bad after only 1 date. Furthermore, you didn't say anything new, basically reiterated what you've previously texted her regarding wishing her a good week and getting together again. She got the first message, it was quite unnecessary and desperate looking to leave a voicemail restating that. Excellent point - I never considered that point about answer phone message - what an idiot Ive been! ---- Out of interest, if I were to get a reply now - how long should one leave it before replying back?
mirage12 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Interesting - thanks for the online dating advice. Im new to it. Two questions: a) Why did she chase me prior to first date to meet up and did the running by texting to arrange? So I take it she was looking for a free drink and dinner then! b) After the first date why did she then initially reply to my messages same day and sound enthusiastic? But as time has passed she has lost interest? Did she lose interest because I didn't text back same day? Was it because I didn't phone and only text? c) I do agree that some one how ever busy - she would have made time. You're over-analyzing things too much. Could be any number of reasons why she's gone cold - maybe she's busy, she's probably seeing a number of other people at the same time she's talking to you, maybe there's an ex in the picture, maybe she's having something going on in her personal life. Doesn't necessarily mean she was just using you for a free drink/date. Don't kill yourself thinking about how/when you should've contacted her/if you should've called vs. texted, etc. If she's into you, those things wouldn't matter. I think the above posters are right - you've made your moves and ball's in her court. If she responds or reaches out, great. If not, she's not into you and move on.
ponchsox Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Interesting - thanks for the online dating advice. Im new to it. Two questions: a) Why did she chase me prior to first date to meet up and did the running by texting to arrange? So I take it she was looking for a free drink and dinner then! b) After the first date why did she then initially reply to my messages same day and sound enthusiastic? But as time has passed she has lost interest? Did she lose interest because I didn't text back same day? Was it because I didn't phone and only text? c) I do agree that some one how ever busy - she would have made time. Women are fickle. They might be attracted to you at first but learn something about you that can turn them off.
KaliLove Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Texting everyday or every couple of day is fine, but keep it light. I've tried both methods of "texting frequently after a date" vs "texting once or twice after a date" and the more frequently worked way better for me. The "have a great day/week" message is nice, but it gets repetitive and boring after a while. I hope you were saying other stuff too. I would not have left a voicemail, this is 2014, her phone will let her know she had a missed call. Leaving a voicemail sorta made you look desperate--like you needed to get in contact with her so bad after only 1 date. Furthermore, you didn't say anything new, basically reiterated what you've previously texted her regarding wishing her a good week and getting together again. She got the first message, it was quite unnecessary and desperate looking to leave a voicemail restating that. The ball is on her court now, there's nothing more you should/can do without further hindering your chances. If she is interested she will contact you. Good luck. I don't return calls if someone doesn't leave me a voice mail. I think that's rude unless I know the person very well. Also, in regards to the poster who said you should only email once before meeting someone..I disagree. I don't like a guy who's too pushy and pushes to meet immediately. The whole point of online dating is that you get to know the person a little before you meet. A month is excessive, but a few emails and a phone call over the course of a couple of days is good. As everyone else has said OP..there's nothing you can do now. Either she'll contact you or she won't, but don't contact her again and keep dating other people. Good luck! 2
abby_tx Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Next time, don't exchange emails for a month before meeting. Email once, talk on phone once, and meet for coffee. Anything else is a waste of time. Sorry to say but she's not interested. If she was, she would have responded to your text the same day and picked up the phone (if not call you right back.) Interested women make themselves available. Uninterested women are too busy. THIS!! I learned this the hard way. I talked to a guy online for a few weeks leading up to our first date. We exchanged really lengthy emails 1-2 times a day. By the time of our first date, we'd sent 70 emails. Anyway, I met him in person and there was ZERO chemistry, no connection, nothing. Usually I give a guy a second date but not this one. I had to let him down the hard way. From now on, I refused to get to know a person on such an intimate level before meeting them.
cmp67 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 You're over-analyzing things too much. Could be any number of reasons why she's gone cold - maybe she's busy, she's probably seeing a number of other people at the same time she's talking to you, maybe there's an ex in the picture, maybe she's having something going on in her personal life. Doesn't necessarily mean she was just using you for a free drink/date. Don't kill yourself thinking about how/when you should've contacted her/if you should've called vs. texted, etc. If she's into you, those things wouldn't matter. I think the above posters are right - you've made your moves and ball's in her court. If she responds or reaches out, great. If not, she's not into you and move on. This is completely right. Don't worry too much. Maybe reach out again in a week with a concrete invitation for another date. If she responds, great, but if not, your prior texting and calling doesn't sound excessive or inappropriate and I doubt made a difference in how she feels about you. She probably already made up her mind about you after your date.
Snakechammah Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) My boyfriend and I met online and we exchanged tons of email and skyped before finally meeting up 4 months later. Mostly due to being in different countries lol. But it was the best thing ever. We've bonded emotionally and were already so in love that by the time we did meet up, no matter what we both looked like, we were already so in love! And yes, he looked far better and hotter in real life than the pictures or videos, and he expressed the same with me. I couldn't ask for more If you're looking for instant gratification, this may not work for you, but building a solid intellectual and emotional base is key for a long-term relationship. What you get is somewhat related to what you give. PS: For OP, you seem like a great catch, good head on his shoulders, calm, cooperative, and also you do show interest and stability in your pursuit of her. The ball is in her court, if she responds, she's a lucky girl to continue a journey with you, if not, lesson learnt, and move on. Don't worry too much of it, and let her contact you next. Edited June 5, 2014 by Snakechammah
avoforastig Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 A few pointers: 1. Exchange no more than 3 emails before setting up a date, anything less or more is probably a waste. I never speak over the phone before meeting in person, again I feel this is pointless compared to the face-to-face interaction. 2. Keep contact at a 1:1 ratio. Never text or call the person a second time if they do not respond. Some people are truly busy, so don't sweat it. If more than 24 hours elapses, they will probably never respond, so just move along. 3. Calling vs. texting is a load of BS. If a woman is interested, she'll respond. I think talking over the phone can actually deter the getting to know them process, similarly to how emailing can. They can never really be that busy in my opinion. If they are, its because they are dating 10 dudes. 4. Be Persistent, don't take things personally. Sometimes you go on droughts, other times you have more woman than you know what to do with. Its best to have multiple girls rotating on a schedule of 1-3 dates until mutual interest in established. If there is no mutual interest, substitute the rotation. Its really a numbers game, albeit, an amazingly frustrating one. Multi-dating also prevents desperate, clingy actions and thoughts since all your eggs aren't in one basket. Hope it helps!
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