Rig88 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 This is probably one of the most over done questions of here but I felt like I should put it out there from my own perspective. I know that throughout your life you're capable of loving many people but after a few relationships I've felt like there was only one person that I had a really special bond with that was just above and beyond what I had with anyone else. I've felt like she was the only person that really understood me and I could be 100% myself around. I suppose you could say that we were soul mates. Has anyone else ever experienced this?
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I used to believe in soul mates, then mine stomped on my heart. Growing up my mother promised me that I'd know when I met HIM. She said I'd feel it in my very bones. Fast forward to me being about 22. I was introduced to this guy. I was immediately mesmerized when I saw him. When he shook my hand hello I felt a lightening bolt go up my arm & heard the movie music. OMG! I thought. My mother was right (who knew?) I just met my future husband & the future father of my children. Ahhhhhh -- cue singing angels & heavenly choirs. 12 years later, 9 months living together & an awful lot of him telling me I wasn't good enough in words & deeds I finally smartened up, figured out my mother was wrong, the jolt in my arm was probably static electricity & that I had been a chump for putting up with all of his BS -- because he was my soulmate after all so of course we were going to get the happily ever after, right? We broke up after that & I lost my belief in The One. 2
Rig88 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Man , that's pretty rough. I'm really to sorry to hear that. I'm a firm believer that anybody who tries to meek you feel like you're not good enough , never belonged in your life anyway. It's bad that you've been so hurt but it sounds like he was never worthy of you in the first place.
ebor Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I used to believe in soul mates, then mine stomped on my heart. Growing up my mother promised me that I'd know when I met HIM. She said I'd feel it in my very bones. Fast forward to me being about 22. I was introduced to this guy. I was immediately mesmerized when I saw him. When he shook my hand hello I felt a lightening bolt go up my arm & heard the movie music. OMG! I thought. My mother was right (who knew?) I just met my future husband & the future father of my children. Ahhhhhh -- cue singing angels & heavenly choirs. 12 years later, 9 months living together & an awful lot of him telling me I wasn't good enough in words & deeds I finally smartened up, figured out my mother was wrong, the jolt in my arm was probably static electricity & that I had been a chump for putting up with all of his BS -- because he was my soulmate after all so of course we were going to get the happily ever after, right? We broke up after that & I lost my belief in The One. Sorry if it's the wrong type of question... Do you think if people can stand BS from there spouses, would they be even better if they had met a good one from the start? Or that the abuse makes us sensitive and better?
ebor Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I believe in a type but not 'the one'. That makes 'the one' 'one of the ones'. 1
Rig88 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I think I see where you're coming from. I think that we only tolerate BS from people we truly love. It's much easier to walk away if you're really not that attached to someone. I think to walk away from your soul mate , they must have really put you through some sh*t!
Targetlock Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 i like to believe there are many people ideal for us more than just 'the one' though i do also believe in a certain amount of destiny in who we meet i guess
ChooseTruth Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I think there are lots of people we could each have a successful relationship with, the trick is to find the one that has circumstances that works for both of you, or circumstances that you can make work. Then you commit and they *are* the one because you made them the one. The idea of "soulmates" or a singular person that is destined for you is a scary concept to me. How do you know who that is? What if mid marriage + kids you decide they aren't "The One" even though the relationship is workable? You create this BS situation in your own head that becomes a crisis. Relationships take work and compromise; I don't think there are any exceptions. If one looks for eternal perfection with no effort I think they are setting themself up for a big failure and disappointment.
WrinkledForehead Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I can't believe in "THE ONE." That is such a monumental title to place on someone. Consider age, location, gender & gender identity alone... Most people meet their partner within an area local to said person's home. To think that there is one person out of 7+ billion destined to meet us, woo us, and love us on a level deep enough for a life's commitment... and then to place upon that a demographic stipulation? My partner said the day he met me he questioned if I was "The One." I've pondered the same myself. I just can't subscribe to a belief in destiny, no matter how amazing it is to have found someone so accepting and respectful of who I am as a person.
melell Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I personally don't believe it. I still consider my ex family, and so does my own family, even though I wouldn't go there again. Kinda think that is as good as it gets. I do think that trying and failing in relationships is a good thing for emotional maturity if you are of sound mind in the process.
thefooloftheyear Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Your kids and your family are the "one's" ....everyone else are just horny strangers you meet on the street... TFY
marcjb Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) I thought that my ex fiancé was my soul mate. I still do actually. We broke up about a month and a half ago. Everything from the way that we met, to our personalities, common interests, sense of humor, sex was excellent. I have never clicked with another person the way I did with her. Actually not only the way I clicked with her, but also the way I clicked with her parents, and even the way my parents clicked with her parents when they met. The main problem is that we have different values and boundaries when it came to friends of the opposite sex. I also felt like I was the glue of the relationship always willing to work things out, which is why I don't plan on going back to her this time. I tried the best that I could. She is very stubborn, and I doubt she will come back to me. Edited June 5, 2014 by marcjb
littleplanet Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Ah yes. The eternal question. (Can be similar to asking someone if they believe in God....) Moving right along: I've tested the theory of "one" for 40 years. The thesis still proves true. But what was it? Compatibility? Chemistry? Acceptance? Romance? (Love, of course....) Well yes - it was all of those. But here's the thing. I'm a Libra. (The religion of Libras is balance) Our idea of order in the Universe is perfectly weighted teeter-totters. But seriously. A by-product of this condition is that you want no other. Ever. It just never crosses your mind. The whole idea of "other" is just too weird. Foreign. Alien. Un-natural. ......and when this is shared (balanced) well then - you have a match. This all sounds so easy. Many of us never find such a thing. Many more spend lifetimes trying to hammer someone into the mold (or be hammered by someone into the mold - same difference.) - can wind up being a lot of nonsense. But on the other hand, many people are heroes nonetheless. They partner up, run households, raise kids, pay bills, have lives not unproductive. (Because they found their "one?") Probably not. Another thing: You always know deep down in your little doggie heart just what kind of crapstorm your life would become, if you ever lost your "one." (But you never ever let on.) You just act accordingly.
Imported Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 This song came to mind when I was reading this thread. I think it's called 'sucking too hard on your lollipop' I do believe in finding "the one".
2.50 a gallon Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I am retired, and looking back over my life I can see several "the One's". The first was my Ex-fiancé, 40 years later she still has a bit of my heart. We were very much in love, the problem was as she put it "I was too white for her family" She was Hispanic, and she was wrong, as most of her family accepted me. All except for her sister, who set out to break us up. Sister was forever making up things, such as telling stories how she seen me with another woman, etc. All lies. After 2 plus years of that chit, she finally broke it off. We bumped into each other a year later, and she expressed regret for listening to her sister. A part of me still loved her, as it humpty dumpty, we could never rebuild what we once had, and I wanted nothing less. A second "One" came into my life shortly after I separated from my Ex. We had it, and she wanted it, but I had lost all faith and trust in women and love. It was years later before I realized what I had thrown away. About 5 years later, there was a third, maybe, but alas, I still mistrusted love and women. We had an on again / off again relationship for over 6 years. The big stumbling block was she was super wealthy. Had we married and had the kids she and I wanted, I was always afraid that should something unexpected come up, with the power of her and her families money, I would be lucky to see my kids once a week. I would settle for nothing less than every day. It scared me so bad that I ran and moved a thousand miles away. I am now with my fourth, and we have been together for over 18 years.
Absinthe Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I don't know about there being The One. I experienced exactly what d0nnivain went through ... the instant attraction, which I mistook for love. Pragmatically, I would not describe him as my soulmate though, as aside from clicking sexually he never listened to a word I said, so he could hardly be described as someone who "got" me. The whole experience has left me very confused, as I was 18 when I met the guy and it seems to have set me on a chartered course whereby normal, decent men are completely unattractive to me and anyone who exhibits similar traits to my ex is the Sexiest Man Ever.
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 If I hadn't believed my EX was The One I would never have tolerated being strung along for so many years. FWIW, it wasn't all bad. He really is a good guy - smart, funny, intelligent, good looking, compassionate, to an extent. He simply had certain (unrealistic) expectations about love & marriage. He wasn't abusive in his rejection of me. He would say these are his criteria & I don't meet them. I had other good qualities & he would often compliment me about them. He was perfectly happy in our relationship the way it was. I wanted marriage & that's why I got out. It boiled down to he wanted a traditional SAHM who made pasta from scratch. We both knew that wasn't me because at one point in my career I was his 2IC, but on some level I think it bugged him that I could do the same jobs he could. All in all, DH is a much better fit in so many ways.
Rig88 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I guess my curiosity stems from my current situation. I've recently got back with my first love , we we're together for 3 years. What we had was amazing and I loved her more than life itself but due to immaturity mostly on my behalf , we went our separate ways! During the 18 months we were apart I dated two people which ended for different reasons. I still thought about my ex everyday , wondered how she was etc. I just never felt like I could bond with anyone else the way that I did with her. I always believed that we'd find each other again because the magic that we had was too special to throw away.
writergal Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Rig88: I think the on/off again relationship that you had with your ex before you finally got back together with her recently rarely ever has a positive outcome like yours has had. Most of the time on/off again relationships are torture for the people involved just because of the waiting and the what ifs and the unknowns. As far as do I think there is that one special person for each of us? Nope. That's a myth created by society. I think there are many compatible people out there for us, and when you find someone you are really compatible with, of course you want to stay with that person and try to create a life together.
spiderowl Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) I used to think there would be someone very special again, but now I'm thinking it's just not possible. If it's not one thing, it's another. For example, if they are attractive, they are much too young, married or dim. If they are intelligent and available, they are highly physically unattractive to me. If they have a great personality, there is some other issue, like drinking too much or smoking. If they seem interesting in lots of respects, I'd probably find them physically repulsive. I have come to the conclusion I am only destined to be with any guy for a short while, from now on, if at all. For the above reasons, a relationship is unlikely to last for long. It's just reality. I find it hard to find any guy I'm physically attracted to. When I start to add in other factors, such as it would be nice if he was kind and intelligent too, it all falls apart. Either all the good ones really are taken or I'm so fussy the soulmate thing can never happen. I might as well have fun with different guys along the way and at least spend some time enjoying myself, if not falling madly in love. Edited June 5, 2014 by spiderowl
Rig88 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to find the balance between lust and love in relationships. I've had a relationship where I was crazy attracted to the person but she wasn't all that nice at all , I've had relationships and gone on dates with people and we haven't clicked at all. I've learned my lesson on getting caught up in physical attraction , even beautiful wears thin in the end and it doesn't bring you any long term happiness.
daisydook Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I believed, my ex of 9 years, he was my one. I have moved on now, after finding out he cheated. If he is the one, I am going to be on uphappy girl if I never find another "the one." I believe there are different people in this world who would be just perfect for me. I know I have been happy, both with someone and without. I know I have felt as though more than one person was "the one" at different times in my life. I think more than anything, the idea of him, is really what I think most about. "HE," could be anyone. What I want wouldn't change much. There is no man who could come into my life who didnt want children, and convince me I didnt want children. There is no man who could come into my life and ask me for 8 children either. I want someone in my life who agrees with the big things that are non negotiable for me. Where we will live, travel, how many children, how expenses are divided, change of jobs, school, etc. If the shoe fits, there are quite a few men who could potentially click. I mean, I would still look for the same kind of man... the same age bracket, earning potential, lifestyle, someone who wanted the same amount of children, probably own the same kind of home, in the same kind of area... the idea of him is probably more important to me than anything. I am happy with myself and know in my heart, I can make it work forever with more than one man in this world, and be truly blessed every day to have an awesome guy in my life. I know there are a tonne of amazing men in this world who just wanna be loved!!!!!!!!!!!! Just like me!!!!!!!!!!! Well, Im a girl, but you get my point! I just wanna be loved. I think it just takes the right timing, and two people who have a connection, and the drive to get to know one another, and work together on building a relationship. I think a lot of people give up easily these days, and run at the first sign of tough times. I have always wanted someone who knew my heart, knew what I was saying without having to say words, someone who when I cuddled into them, I fit perfectly into all of their crevices, someone who makes me feel loved and supported, someone who is my best friend who I share everything with, and someone who wont give up on me, walk out on me, ignore me, betray me, or be unfaithful to me. In return, I would love nothing more than to be this person to someone. It makes my heart all melty thinking about meaning and being that to someone. It isnt always easy to make a connection like the one described, but for my own sake, I HAVE to believe there is more than one man out there for me, because I was either wrong about my ex, or I am going to be pretty upset for the rest of my life if he was the one. I really do feel this way about my current boyfriend. I felt as though I would marry him before I ever met him. That feeling was mutual. It is intense, and just beautiful right from the start. I myself cannot actually believe it at times, especially because I never expected to care this much about anyone ever again, having been a firm believer in "the one."
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