emily2020 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I am 31, my husband is 33, we recently celebrated our 14 year anniversary of being together, 8 of them married. December 2013 I had a feeling something was up, we had been really off the previous year and we were like roommates and I felt the distance growing farther. I checked our phone bill and found that him and my 20 year old co-worker (who just got married May 2013) were calling each other all times of the day, 2a.m. in the morning and any other time I wasn't around. I also noticed he was sending/receiving 250 texts a day on average. I confronted him with this and he said I was being crazy, they were just friends, and he liked talking to her. I explained this was an EF, which he denied and said he had no idea what that was. They then start using facebook to talk so I cant see it, confront him again and same story. Finally on 02/14/14 I gave him an ultimatum and said her or me, he said he would always choose me. I believed him, found out later they just switched to email so I couldn't see it. All this time I never thought they were sleeping together, never thought he had that in him. D-Day was 03/23/2014 in which he had a mental breakdown, destroyed everything in our apartment, confessed to not only sleeping with my co-worker for 3 months, but their were two women prior to that one he slept with once and the other twice. After telling me this he slits his wrist, I call an ambulance, he spends the next 5 days in a mental hospital. The first morning there he calls my office looking for me and she answers , she convinces him that he needs to tell me it was all a lie, which he does and like an idiot I believe him. Over the next few days I just cant wrap my mind around it and I call him and demand to know what is going on. He confesses that it was all true. When he gets out of the mental hospital I call him and we go through all of the sordid details, he had called the affair of about a month before D-Day. But confesses the extent of the affair, not only physical, but he would lie to me and meet up with her and do grocery shopping, pick up movies etc. I moved out for about 6-7 weeks cause I just couldn't handle it, he has since started individual therapy and two weeks ago we started MC. We had really great years together and lost our way the last year or two, he said he didn't think I loved him any more and was just looking for people to talk to and it would lead to this. He apologizes to me every chance possible and swears to never do it again. has given me all the passwords and access to everything and even though I said I didn't want to do it has turned on his gps tracking on his phone so I could check at any time. I love him and want it to work, and am just wondering if we can get past this. We had 12 great years and 1 not so good and 1 incredibly horrible one. Does anyone have any advice?
tom670 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 First take your time. He he has to do the heavy lifting through actions, words are cheap. Have you told the ow husband? You should. you need another set of eyes on this. You can do this but it will be a rolling coaster. 2
tom670 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I forgot two other women he has to reveal who they were and likewise let their spouses know.
Author emily2020 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 The 20 year old I did tell her husband because we would all four go out to dinner together, watch movies etc. In the beginning I felt betrayed by her as well, and in my anger sent him a packet with all the evidence I found and my husband provided. I honestly wanted her marriage to suffer like mine was, I have since moved past that...somewhat, still have anger towards her but getting better as she doesn't matter. The other two were not married, I know them though.
tom670 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Emily as of now at least he is doing all the right things a lot more than others. It sounds like he is genuine. Are you planning on moving back in? 1
Author emily2020 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Tom, sorry I forgot to mention that part, moved back in about three weeks ago and just taking everything day by day. 1
BetrayedH Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Others may disagree but I would suggest staying vigilant. I was hypervigilant and it still took me over 8 months of watching closely to discover that my wife was still lying and still keeping in contact with her OM. I know that no one wants to police their spouse but in my humble opinion, it's necessary to give you some confidence that you actually know the truth. On top of that, when you investigate and find nothing, you both win. He needs to rebuild trust and you need to see him do it. I'd suggest embracing it. And I think you'll know when it's no longer fruitful. I'd even suggest using methods that you don't tell him about for a while. I also suggest you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that every WS needs to know. It gives a good idea of what a truly remorseful wayward spouse looks like and that should be a prerequisite for even making an attempt to reconcile. I think true remorse is the single largest factor in successful reconciliations. But it takes a long time to know what you're dealing with, thanks to all of the lies. Too many people try to forgive too early. Take your time. But yeah, plenty of people do successfully and happily reconcile. Not coincidentally, most of them took a hard-line stance in the beginning, allowed their wayward to demonstrate remorse and trustworthiness, and then took on the burden of forgiveness. Conventional wisdom says that process takes 2-5 years. 3
Spectre Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Yeah it kind of does negate all that. All those happy years are the reasons he should of never cheated, but they weren't enough to prevent it. Thus, yeah..negated. This is why I find it odd when people act like having a lot of good times with someone should override what they did, but no it doesn't work that way. All those good times were reasons you should of never cheated. Basically, like cheating deflector shields. So I've heard people rationalize cheating with "well, we had a lot of good years", but yeah, those are the reasons you should of never cheated in the first place. If the time you had was so awesome then why throw it away just to screw someone else? Actions speak louder then words. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Others may disagree but I would suggest staying vigilant. I was hypervigilant and it still took me over 8 months of watching closely to discover that my wife was still lying and still keeping in contact with her OM. I know that no one wants to police their spouse but in my humble opinion, it's necessary to give you some confidence that you actually know the truth. On top of that, when you investigate and find nothing, you both win. He needs to rebuild trust and you need to see him do it. I'd suggest embracing it. And I think you'll know when it's no longer fruitful. I'd even suggest using methods that you don't tell him about for a while. Agree 100%. For your own security and sanity, you'll need to know if he's truly sorry, or just truly sorry he got caught. Initially, they both look the same... Mr. Lucky 2
Allumere Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I am very sorry you are going through this. My impression from you post is that your husband was a very sick man. Going the extremes of wrist cutting and a mental hospital stay going far beyond the poor choices he made (although providing some understanding as to why). I think before you guys can really gain some footing regarding identifying what your relationship is going to be he has buckets loads of work to do on himself. If he has a diagnosis of a mental health problem this is going to take a lot of time so my concern is that him addressing both issues at the same time may not result in long term change/improvement mentally or as a husband. Whether you stay or go is your choice. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 he said he didn't think I loved him any more and was just looking for people to talk to and it would lead to this. He apologizes to me every chance possible and swears to never do it again. I am sorry you are in this position. I do have concerns as the above statement is a form of blame shifting. I would not have recommended moving back in together, but since that has already happened, I think you need to proceed very slowly and he needs individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. I think you should also consider seeing an attorney to determine your legal rights. You don't have to take legal actions, but need to know your rights, particularly in view of his mental status.
todreaminblue Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 one bad year does nto negate twelve good years or thirteen good years.......but deceit on a continuous basis and an affair is a bomb to a marriage.....or a relationship......whether you survive the blast is the question....my fifteen year relationship didnt survive i was the one who ended up in the mental hospital he had the affair..... to me when the person who has the affair seeks help to save a marriage you guys have a really good chance he needs to do some really confronting legwork....and you need trust.....you get that by as the other poster said actions and not words.......i wish and hope for you.....that it works out......this post of yours made me a little sad....i really hope it works out....have faith it will....and i hope he can live up to your faith in him..:0).....deb
gettingstronger Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I also agree you are doing really well considering the circumstances- I do believe his mental health issues contributed to his behavior- as long as he is committed to getting well and you love him you should give it another try-but please protect your heart in the process- 1
cozycottagelg Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Does he have a history of mental illness? Was his breakdown completely out of character and unexpected? If so...do you think he went over the top so you'd feel bad for him instead of the anger you should/need to feel when someone has betrayed you like this? Stay strong, you have a long road ahead of you. Do you have children? 1
Snowflower Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I normally say that one bad year would not negate all the other solid or happy years in a marriage. If I believed that it did, I should have quit my marriage a long time ago. Your husband has cheated on you with 3 separate women. This is definitely a pattern of behavior on his part. I can't believe that anyone would advise you to continue this marriage with him. I am very Pollyana-ish about saving marriages after an affair but I can't, in good conscience, tell you to continue with him-he is a bad bet, IMO. Guard your heart.
Author emily2020 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 I thought at first that maybe this breakdown was to gain sympathy, but he has described the dark place he was in from the lies and deceit and I believe it was a true act. In the hospital they prescribed him anti-depressants, but his current therapist advised he didn't think he needed to be on them and that he needed to hit rock bottom which is what he did. And no we don't have children, the sad thing is after he called the affair off we had about a month before his breakdown and he asked me if we could try to have a baby.
KathyM Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 IMO, the cutting his wrists and his talking about having a baby is his desperate attempt to deflect attention away from the affairs and to manipulate you to stay in the marriage. The guy has had three affairs because he wanted some outside action while still being married to you. Unless the man has been diagnosed with some impulse control disorder like Bipolar or BPD, he is fully responsible for his actions and should not be blaming you or anything else other than himself. Personally, I know I would not be able to move on with a marriage where my husband had three affairs, but everyone has their level of what they are willing to swallow.
Trustnoone Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Emily 2020 Not sure I am in a position to give advice but I'll share some thoughts with you. My WW had one affair lasting six months. I chose reconciliation and she is working very hard and doing the right things. What is difficult for me is recovery is 2-5 YEARS. I thought I could handle this but never realized just how traumatic this is. I found the anger stage to be easy, and struggled with denial, shock, depression, then rage. I go in and out of rage quite often now. Angry is one thing rage is so much harder. Depression is difficult as I felt suicidal for the first time in my life. It doesn't seem to get easier as you try to accept and forgive. We are in MC and even that can be brutally difficult. You will have questions that don't have answers. It's brutal. Although each person and relationship is different I can tell you what I questioned myself with. Can I be happy? Is this my deal breaker? What was the marriage like pre-affair? Can WW be what I want and need her to be? Is WW willing to change? Why does WW want to remain married? And so on and so on. I have found this to be a time of searching yourself as much as the WS. I hope my choice is correct. Good luck to you and sorry you have felt this betrayal. 2
drifter777 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I thought at first that maybe this breakdown was to gain sympathy, but he has described the dark place he was in from the lies and deceit and I believe it was a true act. In the hospital they prescribed him anti-depressants, but his current therapist advised he didn't think he needed to be on them and that he needed to hit rock bottom which is what he did. And no we don't have children, the sad thing is after he called the affair off we had about a month before his breakdown and he asked me if we could try to have a baby. I rarely post to a BW thread but this one seems different to me because it is clear to me that your husband is playing you like a fiddle. You seem more than happy to close your eyes and hope he's telling the truth. Do nothing and you are going to catch him again, but it might take a while and cause you even more pain when it happens. If you truly want him back and fix your marriage you must expose the OW to her husband. They are probably still meeting somewhere - and there is always somewhere to sneak in a quickie. By telling her husband you double the watchful eyes on the two of them. You should consider changing jobs because seeing her every day is going to trigger your bad memories all the time.
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 If you truly want him back and fix your marriage you must expose the OW to her husband. They are probably still meeting somewhere - and there is always somewhere to sneak in a quickie. By telling her husband you double the watchful eyes on the two of them. I think I read that she sent an entire packet of evidence to OW's husband.
Author emily2020 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 I had a packet of evidence hand delivered to him because he didn't believe when I told him over the phone I work in a small office, it was me, her and my boss. I've been there eight years her only two so I just told him what was up and either she left or I would have to. I'm still at the same job and she was fired the next day. 1
fellini Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Okay, the wrist slashing has nothing to do with the A or you, or love, it is about him and his ability to handle stress when he is no longer in control. Most of the issues you relate are about him trying to maintain control over his life, his wife, his lover, his lies. He is simply not able to do that because he does not see other people as PEOPLE. So is he mentally ill? Not for anyone here in LS to diagnose, but he does exhibit an incapacity to deal with stress. It's kind of strange to think that a moment in someone's history defines them forever, and even stranger to believe that it defines their PAST! But that said, there is something worth investigating called "Family of origins" and I think your H exhibits he is a strong candidate for exploration of his behaviour and attitudinal issues by looking at some deep seated family issues that have ZERO to do with you, including that "feeling like you no longer loved me". To me this is not exactly blame shifting. He probably ACTUALLY did FEEL those things, and what needs to be explored is how he got those feelings (not from you, but from himself). My wife had an affair. Very close to DDAY I got the feeling that something in our relationship was not right. It turns out that feeling was justified. Is that blame shifting? Not to me. The blame shift is when you decide that having that feeling, which you hold your partner to be ENTIRELY responsible for, was the REASON / JUSTIFICATION you hold for doing what YOU always KNEW was the wrong thing to do in a relationship. Those are just my random thoughts based on what I have read in this thread. Good luck. Your new marriage is just beginning, and it won't matter what the previous one looked like, that marriage is over. 1
AmyBamy Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Sometimes, when marriages are struggling, those in the marriage have a tendency to look back and kind of gloss over things. Like, a fog sort of. They tend to start focusing on the good times and forgetting about the bad stuff over the years. I would be very careful that you are not doing this. It seems to be really common when a marriage is ending for people to do this very thing and only remember good stuff when in fact, there was a lot of bad stuff but it's human nature to try to remember good stuff to make it seem better than it was. It's completely up to you and your husband if you want to try to make it work. I personally believe that too many people spend too much energy and time trying to revive relationships that have run their course, but that's just my opinion, and of course you have to do what is best for you. Especially when there are kids involved, people weigh them heavily in these decisions. I think that there is most likely some glossing over happening, but like I said, that seems to be human nature, so no judgment here. But, try to really objectively see the relationship for what it was, not what you wanted it to be or wished it was now since it's been horrible over the past two years. You will find the balance eventually most likely and be able to see it realistically and maybe all those years weren't a fairy tale after all. Usually, there are problems that show a thread throughout a relationship if it somehow "turns terrible". Rarely does a relationship just "turn terrible", usually it's just a slow process of it going from not so great to terrible and those in it having a hard time remembering it accurately when they are desperately trying to hold onto it when it feels threatened. Kind of like painting the dead as saints, pretty unrealistic, but pervasive.
Spectre Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I still say that having a history with someone..that is a foundation which should basically insulate you from cheating. If it's not strong enough to do so then there is a problem. No relationship is perfect, but if you can look back on everything and decide "this is totally worth risking for one night of sex with a random person" then..it couldn't of meant that much to you in the first place.
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