Tayla Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Orangetree, are you aware that you have "all or nothing" thinking? Its sad that you come off how great you were and how little your ex contributed. I would ask you to be realistic and reconsider fairly and wisely. Then maybe you'll appreciate this relationship for what it genuinely was. Grieve you shall yet show a tadbit of regard. I do think your lashing out and not moving in a healthy way.
Author orangetree Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 But it's the truth Tayla. When he broke up with me for the first time I looked for mistakes in him and in myself. I found them. I worked on them. I changed what bothered him about me. But that wasn't enough. I didn't do anything wrong anymore but it was never good enough for him. So I'm not just "trying to blame him", I'm being realistic. Of course I'm not saying he was a bad boyfriend all the time because he was not (otherwise I wouldn't have been with him for so long).
Tayla Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 It's is the truth as you see befitting to your version. There are facts that when viewed objectively will tone down this level of discord. And yes you do unfortunately have all or nothing thinking. Best I can tell you is ...Balance.
Author orangetree Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 It's is the truth as you see befitting to your version. There are facts that when viewed objectively will tone down this level of discord. And yes you do unfortunately have all or nothing thinking. Best I can tell you is ...Balance. We can agree that we disagree her. I don't wanna sound rude, but you don't know me, him or our relationship history. I'm not a person who thinks all or nothing. After 4 breakups I'm just at the point where I see things clearer than I saw them before and stop looking for excuses.
hestheone66 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I"ve read all the posts and ask you to reflect upon the fact that you and your ex were highly incompatible. Even when you say that his excuse was that there was too much fighting and you said that's nonsense, and then in the same context you say that when you fought it only usually lasted a few hours!!! For him, a fight that lasted more than a few minutes may be too long so you have invalidated his feelings. He may have realised that in the long term there was no way the two of you could be together, and yes he has acted very shady by not being open and honest in the way he dropped out of the relationship, but please consider that, in your desperation to keep him, and change yourself, you were possibly resenting this, as he was not willing to change either... he obviously wasn't strong enough to just put an end to it and accepted you back time and time again, on his terms.. you were like a doormat and he coudln't respect someone who wasn't able to respect themself. and in the end no doubt just wanted a final break as the situation was impossible. In some ways, a heartless breakup can be better, as hating him will allow you to move on.. so a kind of tough love. Take this into the future.. not everyone will see the situation in the same way.. it DOESN't make them wrong, it just means you have to find a way through, either together or apart. Not everyone who is a good travelling companion makes a permanent partner. i hope you are moving on in your healing
BC1980 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 But it's the truth Tayla. When he broke up with me for the first time I looked for mistakes in him and in myself. I found them. I worked on them. I changed what bothered him about me. But that wasn't enough. I didn't do anything wrong anymore but it was never good enough for him. So I'm not just "trying to blame him", I'm being realistic. Of course I'm not saying he was a bad boyfriend all the time because he was not (otherwise I wouldn't have been with him for so long). Maybe you did the wrong thing for yourself for going back to him four times. Start there to figure it all out. Why would you stay with someone when you were the only one changing? It was hard for me to admit that I stayed when I shouldn't have, but I had to be truthful to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Also, you are trying to find someone else to fill a void instead of actually looking at yourself. It seems pretty obvious to me that you look to others to make you happy, which never works in the end. 1
Author orangetree Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Day 29 of NC. I've been doing quite well, but this morning and last night I missed him a lot. Last night I really had problems to fall asleep. In these days I decided to go abroad for 3 months this summer (I work independently so it's not a problem). I already booked my flight. Maybe that's why I miss him more again. It's like I accepted our break up finally and eliminate every chance to see him in the next three months. I will not contact him before I leave. I'll just leave. I know I need this. But it's so hard to accept that this probably means we're totally over now.
shoegal4 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Orangetree -- Please take me with you!!! LOL I've been reading this thread and I am feeling what you are feeling. I think this will be the best thing for you and even though you are feeling sad now, you never know what experiences this will bring or what people you will meet. Make this trip all about you. I am very excited for you and you should be excited too
Author orangetree Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 A few minutes ago day 30 of NC started and I have never felt as bad since the break up as I feel now. I miss him so much right now. Everything about him. It hurts so much knowing he's in the same city and he chooses not to be with me. So many memories of our time together pop up in my head and it doesn't stop. The last few nights I dreamed of him, every single night and I remember all of it. Maybe I'm getting even more emotional now not because it's day 30 of NC, but because I'm leaving to live abroad for three months in just six days. Which means I kind of have to finally accept that it's over. God, I just wish I stopped dreaming about him, loving him, missing him, feeling so goddamn bad even more than a month after the break up. I also just watched an extremely emotional video on YouTube, a cancer patient marrying the love of his life in his last hours, ten hours later he died. And I'm just wondering why nobody can love me the way they loved each other. Okay, I have to admit this all probably made me more emotional than it should. Trying to stay strong. I have no desire to contact him though. I'm too proud for that.
Author orangetree Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Day 35 of NC. I'm not sad all the time, I'm not crying, but I still do think of him most of the time during the day and I still dream of him. It's so hard. On Friday I met a guy who a friend of mine brought. He was cute and smart and funny and we kissed by the end of the night. Today I went on a date with him and it was very nice, in the end he kissed me again and all I could think of was my ex, that he doesn't kiss like my ex, that this is wrong and that I just want to be with my ex. I'm trying to repeat the same thing to me all the time- He doesn't want to be with you, he chooses to be single (or dating other girls) than to be with you. He cannot love you as he says he does, otherwise he wouldn't have left me. He's not worth it. And still, it hurts and I wonder if he will ever contact me again. On Wednesday I'll leave the country for three months. And I do hope this will help to get over him.
lesdeuxsoleils Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 OH I can tell you this guys is not right for you! A lot of the same things happened to me. We were together for a year. He left me 1yr after our 1yr anniversary without notice. 8 mo later, I'm still heartbroken but somehow managing more so since yesterday thanks to this forum. Traveling together, similarities, meeting family, living together, fighting, you name it, i've been through it. Oh yes a very passionate relationship too! And he's the one for me! Trust me, there is no such thing as the ONE, maybe I'm biased but really, I'm in my mid-30s, had 3 serious relationships with varying intensity, the last one being the most intense and passionate. He moved in with me 2 mo into the relationship, was it soon, maybe but now I think it's good, because when you live together you really find out if you could marry that person. I didn't work out did it. You moved out, he said he wants to be alone. THAT is an excuse for breaking up! He doesn't want to be with you, I know it's harsh but this guy will keep you on a rollarcoaster for as long as he can, making up and breaking up. If he really cared about you or loved you, there would be nothing stopping him from leaving the apartment when you went to pick up your things. Sadness doesn't not equal the desire to be in a committed relationship unfortunately. We lived together too. In our case life was great, I thought we were made for each other but like in your case, we fought got over it and he keep bottling things up without talking about them, grudges of some sort and complaints which came out at closure time after he left me one day crying in my apt. After 1 year, it was more hard that it would have been 6 mo earlier. But he was not the ONE as I believed. Maybe I won't find the ONE but there might be someone who cares enough to make a relationship work, not break it. I would never take him back, I don't trust him. You should not trust him either. If he can break up once, twice, again, he'll do it again and again. YOU need to STAY AWAY from him, cut all connections and focus on YOU, YOUR healing.
Author orangetree Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 I know he's not right for me and I start thinking rationally- Getting back with him would just hurt me more. So today is day 1 of my three months abroad stay. I'm really excited and looking forward to it, but of course I think a couple of time each day of my ex. But to be honest, it's really getting better. I'm not waking up anymore super sad after dreaming of him, feeling lonely and missing him like crazy. At least most days I feel more or less okay. It's day 37 of NC by the way. And I had another date yesterday with the guy I had a first date with (two weeks ago). It was really nice and this time I kinda liked him and it's so obvious that he's interested in me. Compared to my ex bf he seems very mature and knows where he is in life (well, he's 3.5 years older than my ex) and he really seems to like me and doesn't just want to get in my pants. In the end of the date he kissed me and this time it didn't feel wrong. This time I kissed him back and it was nice. I guess this is one step further on my healing process..
Author orangetree Posted July 10, 2014 Author Posted July 10, 2014 Another update. Day 45 of NC. I feel much better, but I still think a lot about him. Yesterday something weird happened- I was on the train and there was a woman next to me, reading a book. I only took one short look in her book and the first word I saw was a word my ex and I used to say to each other as a nickname. It is really weird because that word was made up by him and me, like it's a word that doesn't even exist. A while ago I googled that word and there were absolutely no results, obviously. So then I saw exactly that word in her book, as the first thing I saw. How are the odds? I don't believe in fate or anything, I just thought it was really strange.
Author orangetree Posted July 15, 2014 Author Posted July 15, 2014 Day 49 of NC. Yesterday my team won the world cup (soccer) and somehow I thought my ex would contact me to say congrats (I'm the only German he knows). Nothing. Not even that. Now I really start thinking that we'll never talk again. His mother on the other hand has been contacting me a lot these days. She's texting me almost every day, asking how I am, what I do, sending me jokes and pictures etc. Weird. All in all I feel pretty good. I still think about him many times a day and it still hurts, but I do enjoy life. I know I'm moving on.
umirano Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Why would she congratulate you. You didn't play. Waving a flag doesn't amount to an achievement for the team. Other than that, congratulations to you for your progress and for keeping NC.
Author orangetree Posted July 17, 2014 Author Posted July 17, 2014 I know that it's not me who won, but him and I love soccer a lot, it was always a topic in our relationship and we talked a lot about the world cup before we broke up, so I kinda thought he might reach out to me. But he didn't. And I'm wondering about it especially because he's in contact with all his exes. Which was probably not a good thing but I thought I would just be one of his exes he would always contact as well. Apparently I'm not (and he had contact with all of them directly after the breakup, not like after a while). Last night I had a very intense dream about him. About how we were together, beautiful moments of our relationship and the last moment of the dream I remember was that he said to me 'Don't worry. We'll make the relationship work' and he took me in his arms. Then I woke up. I wasn't so hurt in weeks. We've been broken up for almost two months now, NC all the time, I thought I was moving on. I think I am in some way, but then I don't know why I still think and dream of him. His mom keeps contacting me by the way. Seriously almost every day. She never talks about her son though and I never ask. She just sends me jokes from the internet, pictures and asks me what I'm doing etc.
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