Boyfriend broke up for the 4th time- What now?

[Alexjones1]

Give him a couple months of pure silent treatment.

 

You will see how he plays his cards.

 

Just keep ingoring everything. If you love this man that is what he needs. He needs to learn what life is without you.

 

Be brutally honest and tell him why your you want this time and space from him.

 

If he calls and texts I have changed. It's bull****. When he gets the realization of change you may not hear anything for a while and then his approach back to you will be different.

 

People lose themselves in relationships sometimes. Space is the only cure. Hate to say it but that's the only way I have learned. Hurt at first then was such a great feeling. You may find the same also.

 

Best wishes.

[orangetree]

Give him a couple months of pure silent treatment.

 

You will see how he plays his cards.

 

Just keep ingoring everything. If you love this man that is what he needs. He needs to learn what life is without you.

 

Be brutally honest and tell him why your you want this time and space from him.

 

If he calls and texts I have changed. It's bull****. When he gets the realization of change you may not hear anything for a while and then his approach back to you will be different.

 

People lose themselves in relationships sometimes. Space is the only cure. Hate to say it but that's the only way I have learned. Hurt at first then was such a great feeling. You may find the same also.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

But he's not even calling and texting me. At least not yet. Since we broke up 13 days ago, we are NC (no calls, no texting, no social media, nothing), except of the time when I saw him when I picked up my stuff at his place (almost 6 days ago).

 

And right now I can't imagine that HE would say I've changed or I will change. When we broke up he said that he thinks we're just too similar characters, and that that's a bad thing when it comes to having arguments.

[Alexjones1]

But he's not even calling and texting me. At least not yet. Since we broke up 13 days ago, we are NC (no calls, no texting, no social media, nothing), except of the time when I saw him when I picked up my stuff at his place (almost 6 days ago).

 

And right now I can't imagine that HE would say I've changed or I will change. When we broke up he said that he thinks we're just too similar characters, and that that's a bad thing when it comes to having arguments.

 

Actually just do this. Remember how you were the day before you met him? Now remember the breakup.

 

Become who you were. The happy go lucky girl. Be indifferent to him. Make him realize you don't need him in your life.

 

You can do this I know it! Hell we all can and it's only hard if we don't allow ourselves this.

 

Remember how you guys always laughed. Now it hardly ever happens.

 

Go find yourself.

 

My ex left me. No contact for 3 weeks. Havnt seen each other in over a month.

 

I am actually happy now I realized I lost myself. I wasn't the man she fell in love with because I kind of stopped loving myself.

Now 3 weeks later I understand what I need for me. I am actually happy.

 

She won't return my call as left her a message agreeing with the breakup. Actually thanked her for it and now I just want to get the engagement ring back she already said a 3 weeks ago she would do. Also we have to get off some joint account.

 

I know she has crept my fb and actually has seen I am happy and back to myself.

 

Now she won't let me go it seems like. When she was the one who wanted me to let her go in the first place.

 

I am giving her another week to return my call or I am contacting a lawyer to get it back.

 

Life is good my friend. Live it like it ends tomorrow.

[H245]

Actually just do this. Remember how you were the day before you met him? Now remember the breakup.

 

Become who you were. The happy go lucky girl. Be indifferent to him. Make him realize you don't need him in your life.

 

You can do this I know it! Hell we all can and it's only hard if we don't allow ourselves this.

 

Remember how you guys always laughed. Now it hardly ever happens.

 

Go find yourself.

 

My ex left me. No contact for 3 weeks. Havnt seen each other in over a month.

 

I am actually happy now I realized I lost myself. I wasn't the man she fell in love with because I kind of stopped loving myself.

Now 3 weeks later I understand what I need for me. I am actually happy.

 

She won't return my call as left her a message agreeing with the breakup. Actually thanked her for it and now I just want to get the engagement ring back she already said a 3 weeks ago she would do. Also we have to get off some joint account.

 

I know she has crept my fb and actually has seen I am happy and back to myself.

 

Now she won't let me go it seems like. When she was the one who wanted me to let her go in the first place.

 

I am giving her another week to return my call or I am contacting a lawyer to get it back.

 

Life is good my friend. Live it like it ends tomorrow.

 

This is exactly what hit me today while going for a 10 mile walk. I lost myself while being with my ex. I want to go back to being the confident, happy person I was before I met her. Not the mess I am now. It will take time and I still hurt, but I am determined to become the person I was before my ex existed.

[orangetree]

Update- We're now 16 days on NC (or 9 if you take into account that I had to contact him to pick up my stuff). Still miss him like crazy.

 

Yesterday I went on a date. Yes, ****ing soon, I know. But I thought meeting another guy would be a great distraction. And to be honest, it was. I had a great night. In the end that guy kissed me. And it felt so wrong. I guess it was too soon. And it's just... when I met my ex I was crazy about him the first time I saw him. Really, I saw him, we talked a minute and I was just thinking 'Wow' and I knew we would be together. With that guy yesterday.. he was cute, nice, smart, funny, everything, but I didn't instantly feel it like I did when I met my ex.

[umirano]

Why did you let him kiss you? Did you expect it to feel anything else than wrong? It seems to be awfully quick to be kissing other guys given how much you claim to miss and love the ex.

[d0nnivain]

Your EX may miss you too but that is not a reason to get back together.

 

The first few MONTHS are hard. You are barely into your 2nd week. Give yourself some time. You have to grieve the loss of this dysfunctional relationship, be introspective so you can understand what went wrong or you will keep making the same mistakes in your next relationship & then you have heal. That process doesn't happen quickly but it is happening.

[orangetree]

Why did you let him kiss you? Did you expect it to feel anything else than wrong? It seems to be awfully quick to be kissing other guys given how much you claim to miss and love the ex.

 

Claim? Yes, I do. Well, it happened really quick, he walked me home and I said bye and he gave me a quick kiss on the lips. It's not like we made out. Then I went inside and that's it.

[Zahara]

And it's just... when I met my ex I was crazy about him the first time I saw him. Really, I saw him, we talked a minute and I was just thinking 'Wow' and I knew we would be together. With that guy yesterday.. he was cute, nice, smart, funny, everything, but I didn't instantly feel it like I did when I met my ex.

 

Most likely when you met your ex, you were emotionally available to him. You don't feel the same way about this guy last night because your heart is somewhere else and you're emotionally unavailable. When your heart is closed off, you can't identify or appreciate the qualities of another.

 

Maybe too soon to date but if you didn't leave feeling devastated, then do what helps distract you. Just make sure you're honest with the other in terms of what you are looking for and where you are. It would be unfair for the other if they're coming to the table with a full deck.

 

We'll say 16 days of NC. You're doing great. It's normal to miss him and hurt as it's still very fresh into your break-up. I hope that even if he comes back, you take a hard look at why it's only for the best that you move away from this. Use this time to also reflect rationally on what was.

[orangetree]

Most likely when you met your ex, you were emotionally available to him. You don't feel the same way about this guy last night because your heart is somewhere else and you're emotionally unavailable. When your heart is closed off, you can't identify or appreciate the qualities of another.

 

Maybe too soon to date but if you didn't leave feeling devastated, then do what helps distract you. Just make sure you're honest with the other in terms of what you are looking for and where you are. It would be unfair for the other if they're coming to the table with a full deck.

 

We'll say 16 days of NC. You're doing great. It's normal to miss him and hurt as it's still very fresh into your break-up. I hope that even if he comes back, you take a hard look at why it's only for the best that you move away from this. Use this time to also reflect rationally on what was.

 

 

Yea, I don't really wanna date, I mean I don't wanna hook up with anyone at the moment. The reason why I went on this date yesterday is just that I felt that it could be a good distraction and that I could feel better about myself, which I did. But I don't think I will go any further than that.

 

To be honest, I'm still hoping that my ex will come back, although it sounds really wrong maybe. I wouldn't take him back instantly, I know that too much happened to go back to where we were, but I do still think how great our relationship was. I really do want him back still.

[Zahara]

To be honest, I'm still hoping that my ex will come back, although it sounds really wrong maybe. I wouldn't take him back instantly, I know that too much happened to go back to where we were, but I do still think how great our relationship was. I really do want him back still.

 

It's normal to feel hopeful after an ending. I had an ex cheat on me and I was still sitting there and pining hoping he'd come back.

 

You also have to check yourself when you say your relationhip was great - but great has to come with consistency. Breaking up 4 times in two years doesn't really show depth in what makes a great relationship. I think you guys moved hard and fast, running on feel good emotions at the beginning of the relationship. We normally tend to idealize and romanticize zoning in only on those feel good moments -- you also have to dig deep and ask yourself if it was all so great, why was he behaving the way he was and why was the relationship so fragile that it kept ending every few months. That's the reality of the relationship. Try not to focus too much on the ups but also on the downs.

Edited June 12, 2014 by Zahara

[umirano]

It's not my business at all and I understand you're really just trying to cope. I'm just thinking it may no make things easy if you want to get back and he learns you kissed another guy on the first date a week or two after BU.

 

I'm on the fence on whether to date or not (my BU is about 2 months old now). I'm just wondering whether my ex went to kiss (or worse hook up) by now. I'll admit it, if a cute girl seems kissable at a party or some other location, I can't guarantee I'd stay away from her.

 

But I think it'd hurt even in the far future to learn my ex moved on, kissed or even hooked up. I also like to think that it'd hurt her the other way around (as of now at least).

[orangetree]

It's not my business at all and I understand you're really just trying to cope. I'm just thinking it may no make things easy if you want to get back and he learns you kissed another guy on the first date a week or two after BU.

 

I'm on the fence on whether to date or not (my BU is about 2 months old now). I'm just wondering whether my ex went to kiss (or worse hook up) by now. I'll admit it, if a cute girl seems kissable at a party or some other location, I can't guarantee I'd stay away from her.

 

But I think it'd hurt even in the far future to learn my ex moved on, kissed or even hooked up. I also like to think that it'd hurt her the other way around (as of now at least).

 

 

I think it's really unlikely he would ever find out. And even if so, 1. we were/are broken up 2. it was a quick kiss on the lips, no making out.

But yes, imagining that the ex is already hooking up is the worst. I try to not think about that.

[umirano]

1. we were/are broken up

Ofc that's why it isn't fair objection, I'm perfectly aware of that. I'm just subject to my emotions on this one to be honest.

[anemptycup]

to me it doesn't sound like love - it sounds more like love addiction... he has a hole inside of him that will never be filled until he works on himself and starts to become happy in his own skin - rather than using other people to give him his sense of feeling complete and loved...

 

i'm sorry that you've had to go through this - maybe he'll grow up some day... but, for now, you have no choice but to look out for yourself and move on...

 

I also broke up with my ex 4 times - i was insecure and didn't trust her... she had no girl friends, only hung out with guys - would even have one on one dinners with other guys - it all started going down hill for me when she went camping with another guy once and came back and told me he had hit on her...

 

some people can be severely retarded IMO to not realize that men and women when camping alone... anyway... that's my sad story...

 

but, the point is... yes, the break-ups are a sign of someone who is not ready for a relationship with you... just as i now realize i wasn't truly in love - my Ex just made me feel better about myself and my life... true love is when you accept someone 100% faults and strengths... and you dont try to change that person.... true love is when you are happy and feel whole by yourself - without needing someone else to "complete" you....

 

 

good luck - i hope you can find peace and happiness from within.

[orangetree]

I will use this thread every now and then as a diary, hopefully it doesn't bother anyone. You're welcome to comment of course if you want!

 

So tomorrow morning it's 18 days of NC (or 11). Still missing him like crazy, bu trying to rationalise things. He posted 6 pictures on Instagram today, a thing he usually never does. All of the pictures are of him and his best friend on bicycles in the mountains (they kind of do it semi-professionally).

 

Myself, I dream every night of him. Last night I dreamed he wanted me back. I just took a nap after work and dreamed of him again, but this time he showed up at my house to ask if I received a gift he sent me and to say goodbye again. Weirdly I also dreamed of the guy I had a date with two days ago. Yes, I went on a date, to get distracted, nothing than a small goodbye kiss happened. I dreamed I was on some event with that guy, and suddenly he came really close and started to touch me (not in a sexual way) and it felt really nice. Then he pulled me to one corner and kissed me. When I opened my eyes (still in the dream) he was gone. I don't know what that means. I guess I'm a bit messed up now.

[Zahara]

It isn't NC if you're checking on him. NC is to help you stay away from reminders and triggers that will keep you stagnating in your emotions and the past as you keep focusing on his life and what's going on with him. The purpose of NC is to help you heal, most importantly to shift the focus inward. Hopefully at some point you truly NC and be determined to move forward.

[orangetree]

It isn't NC if you're checking on him. NC is to help you stay away from reminders and triggers that will keep you stagnating in your emotions and the past as you keep focusing on his life and what's going on with him. The purpose of NC is to help you heal, most importantly to shift the focus inward. Hopefully at some point you truly NC and be determined to move forward.

 

 

NC= No Contact= We don't have any contact. Zero. I'm not checking on him, I just didn't unfollow him on Instagram and his pics popped up when I opened Instagram today.

[orangetree]

At the moment I don't feel that bad.. it comes i waves. But I keep wondering about things- Like he's been learning my native language (which is not English) in the last couple of months, he said he does it for me and he would really like to speak to me in my language one day.And he really seemed to make an effort, bought a book, downloaded apps, practiced with me.

 

Also, less than two months ago he told me he wants to visit my home city (which is not in the US obviously) to meet my grandparents and everyone. Why would you wanna do that if you wanna break up anyway? That makes no sense to me.

[Elle1975]

At the moment I don't feel that bad.. it comes i waves. But I keep wondering about things- Like he's been learning my native language (which is not English) in the last couple of months, he said he does it for me and he would really like to speak to me in my language one day.And he really seemed to make an effort, bought a book, downloaded apps, practiced with me.

 

Also, less than two months ago he told me he wants to visit my home city (which is not in the US obviously) to meet my grandparents and everyone. Why would you wanna do that if you wanna break up anyway? That makes no sense to me.

 

You guys just might need a breather. You might discover he's not the one you need.

 

Love is great, but it's also a hell of a thick fog. Looking back at my break up, I see a lot of things we had in common, and a lot we really didn't. For instance, he's stern, where I am lively. Might be the same for you.

 

You broke up, so decide it's over and take it from there.

 

As for this kiss, give this guy a chance. You never know. If you really don't want to date anybody, which I understand, be honest with him.

[CarrieT]

I just didn't unfollow him on Instagram and his pics popped up when I opened Instagram today.

You need to unfollow him.

 

You need to remove those triggers that keep him in your sphere of reality - reminders of his existence, be it Instagram or mutual Facebook friends.

[orangetree]

Now it's day 21 of NC. I start doubting a lot that he will ever contact me again. It looks like he completely forgot me already.

 

I had my second date with the same guy I had a date with last week. This time we just went for dinner and didn't kiss. I just gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug and that was it. I know he won't be helpful in getting over my ex. But he's a nice guy.

[orangetree]

Day 25 of NC. I didn't feel that bad in these days although I still miss him. Today he's going to his best friend's wedding which will take all weekend. This gives me another punch in the face because him and I had been talking about this wedding for six months now, that we would go together and what gift we would bring etc. Now he went there without me. That hurts so much.

 

I'm trying to tell myself over and over again what a selfish douche he actually is. How he broke up with me after an amazing 4 weeks trip in which we had so much fun, connected so well and didn't fight at all almost. How I wish we didn't go on that trip. How I did everything for him and he never appreciated anything. How miserable he made my life. How I wish I never met him in the first place.

 

Yesterday I had another date with a guy, I dated two guys since the break up. By 'dated' I mean I went for dinner with them once/twice, that's it. With the guy yesterday also nothing happened. We talked, it was nice, I said goodbye, that's it. Maybe I just didn't meet anyone yet I could imagine to hookup with, but I just can't right now. I feel nothing for those guys. Although right now I'm not even sure what I still feel for my ex. I mean, I guess it's still love, but there is also so much hate and anger in my heart.

[umirano]

I hear you orangetree, I get attention but I'm not at all inclined to hook up. I'm also still in love with my ex and having emotional moments bc of things I got with her or events that I wanted to attend with her or in general because of things I wanted her to be involved. Why did he break up with you? You sound like a sweet person.

[orangetree]

To be honest I'm not really sure why he broke up. He seems to have emotional problems or he isn't able to have a LTR. Everything was fine between us but he always kept saying that we fight too much, which is absolutely not true. The only arguments we had sometimes were nonsense arguments which only lasted for a couple of hours max, we never screamed at each other or anything. He says we're incompatible when it comes to fighting. I don't agree with this. But for him nothing is ever good enough, he always looks for problems or things he doesn't like. And he never wants to make compromises.

A day before he broke up he even still told me that he loves me and talked about future plans. If I didn't bring up the issue I have with him (him not talking enough with me about the future) we would be still together (which wouldn't be lasting of course).