BF of 7 years dumped me after I caught him cheating

[pnkgrl99]

I have been with my fiance for 7 years (living with and engaged to for 6 years). We were like best friends until about 6 months ago. He became very moody and withdrawn. When I asked him what was wrong.. he always said that he hated his job and it is nothing that I did. The past few weeks there were a few incidents that I thought were out of the norm.. for instance.. he was working more on the weekends, working later during the week, and there was one incident when his cell rang and he looked like a deer in headlights. When I asked him if he was going to answer it.. he said no because it might be work calling (even though it was 9 at night). Then 3 days ago i was out running errands and he had gotten home from work and left a note that he forgot he had to do inventory and had to go back to work. Inventory normally only lasts an hour or so.. so after about 5 or 6 hours I started to think something was up. He had just gotten his cell 3 weeks ago.. so I thought I would go online and check his bill.

 

My heart sank. There were like 30 pages to the bill (hundreds of transactions)... and about 99% were to the same number. In 3 weeks he spent $120 on voice and text messaging with this number. So I called it and a girl answered and I asked who she was. Then she wondered who I was and I said I was so and so's fiance of 7 years. She said that he said we had broken up 2 months ago and he never mentioned we were engaged. She was all giggly about it.. which really p*ssed me off.

 

I called him and told him he was busted and that I called Amy. Instead of worrying about my feelings.. he just kept asking what I said to her in a very worried voice. He cared more about this new girl than his fiance of 7 years. ARGGH! When he got home he said he didnt love me anymore and it was over. He said he wasnt going to tell me until our lease was up (in another 6 months) and then send me away with some money to get a place of my own. NICE! How sincere

 

I was obviously crying because I was very hurt and shocked to say the least. He got this jerky attitude and said if I kept crying and carrying on he would either kick me out or he would stay at his friends house for the next 6 months. So.. I was supposed to be all better in the matter of hours. 7 years together.. 7 hours to get over you! The last 3 days have been hell. He talks to this girl on the phone next to me. When I say that is totally inconsiderate.. he just says.. well its my house too. This is totally not the guy I know AT ALL! He talks to this girl day and night... literally. The thing that makes me the maddest.. is I cant say anything without him dangling the "i'll kick you out" over my head. I am a full time student right now and not working.. so I am basically screwed and he knows it.

 

I have been trying to keep my head up and being strong.. and pretending that it doesnt bother me. But the more I do that ... the more he acts strange. I just cannot believe this is happening.. I am in total shock. The reasons he gave me for the breakup was that he never had a chance to live life up and party and hang out with girls. I was his first real relationship.. we got together when he was 18 and I was 20. I guess he didnt intend on this being such a long relationship or something.

 

Anyway.. does anyone have any ideas as to why he is being a complete ass... like he doesnt resemble the guy I know AT ALL. Its like he's a completely different person. And why does he complain when I am sad but then gets mad when I am strong. Also, any tips on staying sane in a situation like this. I have to stay here until my lease is up---6 more months. ARGH! Also, he said if I go online to check his bill again or ever call the girl again that he will smash my computer... eeek... he knows my computer is my baby. Basically.. he is being such a jerk that I have quickly moved past the sad and depressed phase to the straight up p*ssed off phase.

[CoolAunt]

F*ck the lease. You need to get out of there. Isn't there someone else who you can stay with? If not, is it too late to withdraw from classes this semester and just go home? You'll be miserable in that house with him 'til June...he'll see to that!

 

Oh, and why is he being an a$$? Because you almost ruined this deal he has going with giggle-girl. And if he can take the defensive stance and treat you as if you've done something wrong, then he can ignore his guilt and continue to play doctor with giggle-head. Nothing like unwarranted, self-righteous indignation to help a cheating man (or woman) continue cheating, appearing all along as if it's their right in the relationship!

 

Get out of there, girl.

 

Cool Aunt

[user1]

My god, girl, your story is exactly like mine; the only difference is that I have 10 years of age over you.

 

What I've learned throught the past 7 months is...get out now!!

 

you will never ever understand why he changed. he will try to blame you because he is now just plain EVIL. chalk it up to demon possession.

 

you can not exorcise him, so exorcise him from your life!!

 

take comfort that he will burn in hell with giggle girl.

 

you can sign join my yahoo group: once cuckolded now wiser....

 

be strong, loveshock.

[pnkgrl99]

Unfortunately I have no where to go. I have no family in the area and my friends are all married with kids and all have very busy lives. I know I have to get out... I am trying to find a job right now so I can leave sooner. There are other concerns as well... he told me that he has been thinking of leaving me for months. The scary thing is that a few months ago I added him to my credit card and checking account, and opened a joint savings account to save for a house. Yeah right! He pays my bills while I am in school... so his check is directly deposited into my account.. and I take care of paying all the bills. The scary thing is that since it is his money in my accounts... he can screw up everything for me... like he is spending money like crazy on this girl.. and I am worried he will overdraw my checking account.. and he has maxed out the CC. He said b4 I move out he will pay off the CC cuz he knows that he charged it all up... but with his attitude lately.. I am worried as hell that he wont and I will be left with ENORMOUS debt. Last night I opened an individual savings account (secretly) and am planning on transferring the money of the joint account to my ind account in case he leaves me with this huge bill. JOINT ACCOUNTS.... ugggh... very bad! At the time.. I didnt think anything of it because I NEVER EVER expected this to happen.

 

When I mention that he is drowning us in debt and needs to slow down on the spending.. he just gets mad and says that its his money and dont tell him what to do with it. Yes.. IT IS his money... but it is in my account.. which I will be penalized for if the balance goes under a certain amount. Also.. he is using my CC (i am the primary holder.. he is an add on) to take this girl out.

 

Does anyone know what I can do with the CC situation. Like if he takes off.. how do I prove that all the transactions ($6000 worth) is his? Or am I basically screwed?

[CoolAunt]

CLOSE the joint checking and savings accounts. Do it Monday. Call the CC folks today and see how to undue sharing the CC account. You haven't done anything that you can't fix. Don't worry how these changes will affect him. Let him and giggle-head figure it out. It's not your problem.

 

How many rooms do you have there? You need as little exposure to him as possible.

[pnkgrl99]

We have separate bedrooms.. haha.. I know that sounds weird.. but he is a HORRIBLE snorer and I would go nights on end without sleep. So when we got this apartment, my own room was a MUST! I dont think I will need to hide away because I am sure he will be with his new girly as much as possible. The thing that really gets me angry is we have two young dogs.. which are like our kids. He is gone so much now that they just sit by the door and cry. It is so sad because they were our lives (still are to me!) And he is neglecting them.

 

As for the CC, I actually cut up the credit cards last night.. since everytime I make a payment.. he charges it right back up. So I cut his and told him I had cut my up earlier. Which I didnt (I hid mine in case he kicks me out and I need some cash). I am hesitant to take him off of the CC.. because I am the primary card holder.. so if I take him off.. it will all be my responsibility. But, luckily he cant charge anymore on it since i hacked it to pieces. I am definitely closing the joint account and hiding my checkbook and other CC from him. Since I caught him snooping through by purse the other night and eyeballing the discover card. Luckily that card is completely mine and has a zero balance. Whew!

 

Anyway, thanks for all the help. It is really strange being alone after so many years. But, I actually can't wait to get a place of my own. This girl wont be "fun" forever.. and neither will the next. I know he will come back eventually... and I will happily slam the door in his face!

 

[Lisa100small]

this guy is a jerk. YOu need to leave him as soon as possible.......this is an unhealthy situation that you dont deserve. Try not to do anything impuslive......think things trhough but you need to get out of this situation and in the future try to always have a "way out", like money saved or something. Dont ever solely depend on a guy, make sure you have a job and resources, you need to have something for yourself.......be strong.

[CoolAunt]

Pnkgrl, any possibility that he's picked up a drug habit? Callousness, new "friend," stealing...Don't let him rob you blind.

 

Ohhhh, and those poor puppies. Give 'em some extra lovin', okay?

[pnkgrl99]

Haha.. I think the hardest thing about this whole situation was NOT losing him... but the effect it would have on my puppies. They will be heartbroken when the both of us arent living together. Originally, since he makes a lot of money.. and I wont be making too much.. he was going to keep the puppies and I would get them on the weekends. But now.. forget that. I am taking them with me. Last night he didnt come home until 4 in the morning.. I cant even imagine what my puppies would do if they were left all alone for so long. At least I know that they will be spoiled rotten living with me and not neglected because of some little 20yr old girly.

[user1]

my girl, I'm telling you, for your safety, move out to a safe place that he won't know about. don't even think about telling him where you are going. without a word. get out.

 

then transfer the money to your account...he may come after you or take you to small claims, like on t.v

 

take your dogs with you, don't worry about your pups...this guy is not stable...he emotionally abuses you...it is a matter of time before the physically abuses either you or the dogs.

 

don't be a story on the news. now is the time to be extra strong, extra wise.

 

take back your life. you have learned helplessness now. how do I know????I 've been there. The only difference is that my ex fiance did not take my money when he left me for his green card digger whore (who would call us incessantly), but he took my dignity, sanity, and tried to ruin my career as a physician (we both worked at the same hospital, where I got him a job in my department).

 

As my priest says: forgive, move on, he is consumed not by the devil or demons, but by human weakness. let God take his revenge.

 

be safe, loveshock.

[moon]

That is a really sad story!! It must be really, really hard. You aren't the first person to rely on a significant other for financial support. Married couples do it all the time! Plus you are in school. But you've got to get yourself out of there! You are a student, so can't you take out a loan? I know you can get at least $18,000 a year for Stafford Loans. FASFA (student aid) reports are due March 2 this year I think. Students have a lot available to them in terms of borrowing money. You are probably going to get yourself in a bit of debt right now. You could also get a part-time job and use your credit card for a while to live. Then you can make enough to pay your minimum balance on the card, yet take out enough money to pay rent. You are lucky you at least have credit to fall back on.

 

Are you a college student? People work and go to school all the time. I'd contact your school's financial aid office and see what you have available to you. Hopefully you can take out a student loan because most don't have to be paid for until six months after you graduate.

 

I'd tell your boyfriend to transfer any balance he has on cards with your name on it to his own account. It is very easy these days to transfer one balance onto another card. It is a simple as a phone call.

 

In terms of his big change.....what to say??? It happens all the time. This new girl could have a big influence on him. Once he crossed the line of cheating, he is probably gettting a lot of feedback from her in terms of what he should do. Of course she's going to cheerlead for her and him being together. It could have been that you and your ex were growing apart and then he found somebody to sort of commiserate with and he feels safe to f*ck with you because he's got somebody to fall back on. He could also be experiencing some sort of early mid life crisis where he's seeing himself way down the road with you and not knowing if he's sewed his oats and not knowing if he can follow through with the life you two are planning i.e buying a house and settling down. I think fear drives people to do all sorts of things. He's obviously in rare form right now. The best thing for you to do is to get out of the house. You should settle up all your joint debts and put them into your own individual names and then find a way (loans, job, borrow from family) to get yourself into a new living situation. Can you start searching now for a roommate situation? What about being a nanny? You could live somewhere, but also go to school.

 

This sounds like a very hurtful situation. If you are going to stay living under the same roof I would demand some ground rules. It's funny that it would be so different if you were married. You would have so many more rights. Maybe check out at school any sort of legal information about domestic partners. You guys could be considered that. It just doesn't seem fair does it? You were together a long time and he was your fiance.

 

Anyway, good luck to you. It's good you found out about this guy when you did. He doesn't sound like anybody you would want to spend your life with. And the other girl---what a total b*tch. It is just beyond me how people are so stupid to get involved with somebody who has a girlfriend/boyfriend. Don't they know that the same things is gonna happen to them with these people who are so weak they can't even communicate with their current partners enough to tell them how they feel. They are total avoiders of problems and find the escape of another person so much easier than reality. You ex has issues......that's for sure. His new girlfriend has issues.....that's for sure. Most people, when they found out a guy they were dating has a live in girlfriend, would be shocked and back off. But not this girl, she's comfortable talking to the guy day and night knowing you are there. She's probably very young---she has to be. What an idiot!! Your ex is an idiot too. He can't just sweep problems under the rug like he's doing. He is a total cheater too. He is proving himself to be a dishonest, weak and pathetic man. He has no morals. He's finally showing you who he really is.

 

Iick, this does sound like a bad situation, but one day you will recover. Live for that day!! Be strong.

[roxy_1980]

Three words: Student loan appeal.

I don't know about where you are, but most government loan programs have conditions for people in bad situations. If you can't pull that off, then get out any way you can. Go to a homeless shelter if you have to, he's already making threats. First, it's your computer, then its you. Get the hell out!

 

As for the CC, if he keeps running it up, he has no intention of paying you back. Go to small claims court. It ost very little to do and if you represent yourself you still have a valid chance of winning. Document everything!! Then, nail him to the wall. Excise him out of your life and your finances now.

 

Leases can be broken. Don't stay there.

 

And one final word (and this is for everyone on here): If you're engaged for over 2 years, there probably not gonna marry you. It's a ploy to keep you around for a while without the legal stuff and the prospect of divorce. 6 year engagements are too long!

[imokurnot]

I am so impressed that you have been so strong (or seem to be). Sounds like you are in much better shape than I was or still am in ways. You have your priorities straight and that is the financial obligations at the moment. Take care of yourself and the doggies. I had the same thing happen and you should feel pretty good that you are keeping your head and doing the right things. I know it is no consolation and doesn't help with what your going through, just know that you are going to be fine. I can already tell that and I am sure you know that already. 7 years is a long time and I was devastated and hurt more than you appear to be at the moment. I wish I had gone straight to the anger and could have skipped the hurt part of the whole thing as you have so far. People are selfish and I am finally learning (I am old) to take care of myself first and foremost. You are way ahead of me already.

[Lisa100small]

Originally posted by roxy_1980

Three words: Student loan appeal.

I don't know about where you are, but most government loan programs have conditions for people in bad situations. If you can't pull that off, then get out any way you can. Go to a homeless shelter if you have to, he's already making threats. First, it's your computer, then its you. Get the hell out!

 

As for the CC, if he keeps running it up, he has no intention of paying you back. Go to small claims court. It ost very little to do and if you represent yourself you still have a valid chance of winning. Document everything!! Then, nail him to the wall. Excise him out of your life and your finances now.

 

Leases can be broken. Don't stay there.

 

And one final word (and this is for everyone on here): If you're engaged for over 2 years, there probably not gonna marry you. It's a ploy to keep you around for a while without the legal stuff and the prospect of divorce. 6 year engagements are too long!

 

I agree. You were engaged for six years and I think he just wanted to have you around just in case he didnt find someone else.......hang in there!

[pnkgrl99]

Ahhh... I thought I was doing better... until I remembered Valentines Day. It makes me sick to think that he will be going out to buy this girl a Valentines day gift (and probably taking her out to dinner)... using our joint account of course. I kinda feel like being evil and changing the pin number to the ATM card so that when he goes to get money out to buy her a present.. he can't! Since it is technically MY card I have the right to change the pin whenever I please. But, it is his money in the account.. so it would be very very evil... but it is OH SO TEMPTING! Besides... the other night he took her out to dinner and spent $50, got another $60 later in the evening? hmmm... cheap motel perhaps? Arggh! I should probably just change the pin due to the fact he is on an insane spending spree right now. And his phone is almost up on minutes again.. so that will make $150 in a little over 3 weeks. He told me yesterday that he needs a new plan because pay by the minute is too expensive. I exploded and told him maybe he needs to quit talking to that dumb b*tch so much... and that she better be talking meta-f*cking-physics to him to be spending that much money. But nope.. its just $150 of girly giggles.

 

Ahhh... I feel better now! Thanx for listening to be complain!

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by pnkgrl99 ... the other night he took her out to dinner and spent $50, got another $60 later in the evening? hmmm... cheap motel perhaps? Arggh! I should probably just change the pin due to the fact he is on an insane spending spree right now...

Cheap motel? Or lil baggie o' giggle-head bait? I still think that you should be watching for evidence of drug usage.

[pnkgrl99]

I don't think it would drugs because he is a vendor for a major major company and they do random drug tests ALL THE TIME. I dont think he would throw away 70k a year that easily. I am guessing it is a cheap motel because I guess she just got out of a 2 year relationship with a guy 4 months ago and moved back in with her parents. So.. cant go to parents house.. cant come home because I am here. Chevy Cavaliers arent much for backseat space..lol.

 

I am in the process of changing the pin right now.. cuz I just checked the cell bill again and they have been texting continuously from 7pm to 1am.. and that is only the stuff that is listed... it usually takes an hour or two to be posted. If he thinks he can throw his money around like that... he better be throwing it towards my credit card bill.

 

Geez... nice to know I am sitting here torn to pieces.. and less than 40 feet away he is texting giggles! The weird thing is is that he is being so nice to me. I get the feeling he thinks he is going to have his little fun right now and that I will take him back later. HUH! Someones going to have a little wakeup call! He is never getting me back... he f*cked with the wrong girl.

 

I go about my business around the house.. I am civil to him.. but thats it. I dont make eye contact and I always look like I am having a great time. haha. I was dancing around to music today.. I think he is confused that I am not a wreck. I also IM my guy friend online all day long and make sure I am very loud with my typing. Leaving his number laying around on my desk doesnt hurt either. Ahhh... hey... I have to get back at him a little bit. I like doing it the subtle way. Just enough to annoy him.

[CoolAunt]

Geez... nice to know I am sitting here torn to pieces.. and less than 40 feet away he is texting giggles!

There's something powerful in renaming people, isn't there? I've renamed some of my ex-bf's, the ones who've aggravated me the most. There's Pretty-Boy, Stalker-Boy aka The Dingus, Porndog aka The Pornsturbator...

 

The way he's spending money and using up his cell phone minutes, all the while expecting you to provide and replenish when he runs out...The immature way that he's behaving...Hanging out with Giggles. who doesn't seem to be very mature herself, from the way you described your brief phone conversation...You're still there taking care of the dogs and stuff, and would be until the lease is up anyway because he had no intention of telling you until then... It's kind of like he's changed your place, in his mind, from being his SO to being like a surrogate mother or something. Even his defiant yet "you still have to love me and be nice to me" attitude is like a misbehaving child's attitude. Don't take me too seriously. I'm no doctor and I don't even know the guy. That's just the impression I have from the things that you've posted. Creepy!

[roxy_1980]

Screw small claims, your finances are so intertwined and messed up, you need a lawyer. A divorce lawyer. I know you're not married, but they handle cases that involve people who have been together so long. If you ever filed your taxes jointly as common law you also have a better chance of getting something out of this and being able to get some money to live on. The lawyers will deal with the joint accounts, the credit card, getting one of you out of the lease. I know it sounds mean and harsh, but think about it this way: If you asked him nicely to split the finances would you end up with anything from those joint accounts? No. Would you still have enormous debt on your credit card? Yes.

 

Do it now. The longer you wait to do this, the more time he will spending dwindling down what's in the joint account and will start putting money into a separate account in his name. Which is my summation of why he's spending so much right now.

 

Quick question though: Why is he on your credit card if he makes 70K a year and you're just an unemployed student? Is he bad with money? Did he max out his? If so, leverage in court for the credit cards.

 

If you're worried about the money for a lawyer, sue him for legal costs. He created the situtation, he should pay.

 

Good Luck

[LucreziaBorgia]

Here are some additional options I thought of after reading your posts:

 

 

1. Go to your bank, let them know what is going on and make the necessary adjustments to keep him from accessing your account. Close it if you have to, and open a new one.

2. Take all of his money out of the account that is his and give it to him.

3. Call your credit card company and tell them what is going on - that your STBX has hijacked your cards and is spending them up, and that you would like new cards (that way if he has one of yours, he can't use it or the number on it anymore).

4. Then go and apply for a Pell Grant. If you qualify, you get money for college and living expenses.

5. Use your credit card for expenses if you have to, and look into a work study program at your school to bring in some extra income.

6. As you are doing this, you will want to be working this guy out of your apartment. If his name isn't on the lease, he's tress-passing if you don't want him there. If his name is on the lease, call your landlord and let him/her know what is going on and that you would like his name removed from the lease. If you have to, call the police and have him escorted off the property and then go get a restraining order.

7. You can also call Social Services and ask if they have some counseling sessions available to get you through the tough parts.

[pnkgrl99]

Originally posted by roxy_1980

Quick question though: Why is he on your credit card if he makes 70K a year and you're just an unemployed student? Is he bad with money? Did he max out his? If so, leverage in court for the credit cards.

Good Luck

 

Ok more info.. wow.. you guys are going to know my whole life story soon!

 

We met we he was 18 and I was 20. I had already been living on my own for two years and was in college. Therefore I already had a checking account and credit cards. He still lived with mommy... so he had no established credit. When we moved in together we found it easier to just put everything in my checking account.. since I handle the bills anyway. Instead of him going to the bank and getting money out of his savings and then putting it in my account so I can write a check. Or instead of him opening a checking account and us paying each bill with two checks split equally in half. This worked perfectly fine for the entire 7 years. We had no problems with this arrangement.

 

As for the credit card situation. He gets turned down for credit because he has no credit history... then the more he gets turned down.. the more it looks bad... so he gets turned down more. It was easy for me to establish credit because I was in college and they hand credit cards out like candy to college students. He never went to college... and I had to pressure him to even get his GED. And yes.. he got very lucky landing this good of a job for being such a f*ck up in high school. It helps when mommy works for the company first though! (Literally everything we have can be thanked to my ability to get credit.. ie furniture, computers, guitars etc etc)

 

Anyway, I quit college my last semester..ugghh.. I know.. very stupid. And I got a factory job making OK money for the time. However, I got carpel tunnel.. which I will have FOREVER.. and had to quit the job. I was in so much pain that I literally couldnt do ANYTHING with my hands...not even hold a cup.. and still have problems to this day. He got this job because he knew I wouldnt be able to work for a while. That was the ONLY reason he wanted that job. We had to moved 3 separate times because of relocation for the job.. that was every 6 months. And to add to the stress.. after the first move I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease and had a whole bunch of problems relating to that. Basically.. I was very very sick. So... yes i have been out of a job for 2 years.. but I can guarantee you I have by no means been living it up. It has been a sh*tty two years to say the least and I have had many medical problems.

 

So.. I am now finally back in school.. but have changed my original major and should graduate in a year. He has never really mentioned me getting a job other than for the reason of not being bored. And since I was finally on the road to a half ass recovery, and finally settled in a place longer than 6 months, and now trying to finish school. I thought it would be best to go full time and concentrate only on school and get good grades (computer programming) not exactly an easy subject.. and one that would need more concentration than my previous major, social work! NOW.. after the breakup.. it is all about the money and me not having a job. Like I am a gold digger and after his money? If that was the case why was I with him for 5 years when he made a little over minimum wage.. and he didnt start really making good money until after all my medical sh*t.

 

Well.. anyway.. since the break up he never fails to mention how he makes all the money and pays all the bills. Maybe he should have told me this was a problem.. like.. i dunno.. TWO YEARS AGO! His mom has never liked me because I am not the proper little preppy girl who loves sporty crap. And she has a BIG influence on what he thinks... so of course she is a huge factor in the whole situation. And I am sure she is cheering him on in the whole breakup thing. When I wouldnt give him the bank card today he threatened me that he will get his mom after me.. cuz that is his money. HAHA! I seriously laughed my ass off. 25 years old and still has mommy fighting his fights. GEESH!

 

OK.. WAY more info than you needed. Sorry But I was on a roll!

 

Oh and.. as for the question "is he bad with money"... that is a severe understatement. I can have the same $10 in my pocket for weeks and not spend it... if he has money on him.. he HAS to spend it.. that instant. He thinks that we are short on money because of me not working.. no no no.. its his inability to manage anything in his life. I even do his freakin taxes. I have done them all 7 years... he has never even attempted to do them! I am convinced the only reason we are not on the streets is because I am a tight a$$ with money. I am curious to see how long he lasts on his own.

[pnkgrl99]

AND AND AND... his mother is horrible with money too. Granted.. her husband left her with two kids and she got very behind in bills.. but that was 15 years ago.. and she makes 70k too. BUT.. she can't get credit either. A few months ago.. being a nice little soon to be daughter in law.. I got credit at Slumberland so that she could get a new bedroom set... even though I sleep on a crap ass futon that is so thin you can feel the bars through the mat. Anyway... this was a pretty recent thing.. so she still has about $2000 left on it. She sends me money each month and I pay the card. ARGGH! Is she gonna screw me too. Thats it... from now on I am going to be a cold hearted b*tch and not help anyone out.. LOL!