joseph1109 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) Good morning all. I am hoping for a little help. Me and my girlfriend of seven years broke up almost a year ago. She then found a new guy who was not a very good person and they have had problems since the beginning. She has contacted me quite a bit during this time when they were having problems and we would spend time together for a bit and then she would go back to him. Three weeks ago she contacted me and said it was over with him for good and she wanted to get back together. Two weeks after that she said she was an emotional wreck and wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship with me because she felt terrible about treating me the way she did and about the shape her life was in. She said she didn't think she was able to give me what I needed from her with her in the state of mind that she is in. She said she needed time to get herself straightened out before we could make a go of it again. She said she is still in love with me and wants to see what happens with us but she just isn't able to commit to a relationship with me or anyone until she gets her mind right. I do think she is emotionally unstable right now because she has mood swings and crying spells and she never was like that before. She wants me to wait for her but knows that is unfair to me. I truly love her and want it to work but I am in this state of limbo and it is not a very fun place to be. I sent her a note yesterday letting her know that I am going to give her space and time to sort herself out and if she decided to try again to let me know and we would see what happens. I am going through all the feelings and hurt I went through with the initial breakup and I don't know what to do. Do I wait and see what happens or do I tell her it's time for both of us to forget about us and move on. I have hope we will work out but there's a chance that hope is for nothing. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. P.S. : I went NC at the beginning and after each time we have spent time together since and when I start to really feel good again she finds a way to get in touch with me and I give in. Edited June 4, 2014 by joseph1109
somecamel Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Good morning all. I am hoping for a little help. Me and my girlfriend of seven years broke up almost a year ago. She then found a new guy who was not a very good person and they have had problems since the beginning. She has contacted me quite a bit during this time when they were having problems and we would spend time together for a bit and then she would go back to him. Three weeks ago she contacted me and said it was over with him for good and she wanted to get back together. Two weeks after that she said she was an emotional wreck and wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship with me because she felt terrible about treating me the way she did and about the shape her life was in. She said she didn't think she was able to give me what I needed from her with her in the state of mind that she is in. She said she needed time to get herself straightened out before we could make a go of it again. She said she is still in love with me and wants to see what happens with us but she just isn't able to commit to a relationship with me or anyone until she gets her mind right. I do think she is emotionally unstable right now because she has mood swings and crying spells and she never was like that before. She wants me to wait for her but knows that is unfair to me. I truly love her and want it to work but I am in this state of limbo and it is not a very fun place to be. I sent her a note yesterday letting her know that I am going to give her space and time to sort herself out and if she decided to try again to let me know and we would see what happens. I am going through all the feelings and hurt I went through with the initial breakup and I don't know what to do. Do I wait and see what happens or do I tell her it's time for both of us to forget about us and move on. I have hope we will work out but there's a chance that hope is for nothing. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. P.S. : I went NC at the beginning and after each time we have spent time together since and when I start to really feel good again she finds a way to get in touch with me and I give in. Like a puppet on a string dude She is using you, you're her little puppy she can call on when she needs a male friend. See this for what it is, have you been single the whole time she's been with someone else? 3
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 She needs some tough love. Next time she contacts you, meet her but talk don't listen. Point out some of the highlights of how unhealthy her relationship is but then explain that you don't want to hear about it anymore. If you want her back (which isn't a good idea but the heart wants what the heart wants) tell her if she ends it with him & can fully to commit to you, fine. Otherwise wish her well & stop taking her calls.
Author joseph1109 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I've slept with a few girls but nothing turned into a relationship.
somecamel Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I've slept with a few girls but nothing turned into a relationship. Because you're not over her?
Author joseph1109 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I think I could have moved on and resisted her by now if I had met someone to be in a relationship with. I know I am still very hurt and want to work things out but is it what's best or just what I want?
NC-Thomas Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You might just end up having false hope man. You just told us, your in a state of limbo, do you really want to stay there??? Cause you will be when you start having hope and "waiting" etc etc. You should take care of YOURSELF instead, are you eating and sleeping OK? Accept it man, she just isn't ready right now and by the way, do you want to be her back-up ?
Author joseph1109 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Thanks for the thoughts on this. I guess the thing that really threw me this time was that she called me and said she was ready to work things out. She said she still loved and had feelings for me and she had never said that before. I thought she was sincere this time. She even started talking about us being back together and how happy she was that we were. That was for two weeks and then one day she is texting me kisses and the day after she's not sure. I do know she found out the guy she was seeing has a new girlfriend and I think maybe that is playing a part in her indecisiveness. I guess I was used as a crutch again to help get her through her crisis. I don't want to feel that way but I don't know how else to take it. I have been there for her every single time she has needed me after the breakup and I thought that would show her how much she means to me but it doesn't seem to matter. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but does so again and again. I am so freakin confused right now and can't get this crap off my mind. I don't want to let her go if she is really trying to straighten herself out but I don't want to wait for nothing.
NC-Thomas Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Thanks for the thoughts on this. I guess the thing that really threw me this time was that she called me and said she was ready to work things out. She said she still loved and had feelings for me and she had never said that before. I thought she was sincere this time. She even started talking about us being back together and how happy she was that we were. That was for two weeks and then one day she is texting me kisses and the day after she's not sure. I do know she found out the guy she was seeing has a new girlfriend and I think maybe that is playing a part in her indecisiveness. I guess I was used as a crutch again to help get her through her crisis. I don't want to feel that way but I don't know how else to take it. I have been there for her every single time she has needed me after the breakup and I thought that would show her how much she means to me but it doesn't seem to matter. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but does so again and again. I am so freakin confused right now and can't get this crap off my mind. I don't want to let her go if she is really trying to straighten herself out but I don't want to wait for nothing. Please read my post again, you are just not getting it. Thats OK, but you will burn untill the pain is too intense for you, then you will move on. Thats what happened to me. Take my advice, it just seems like she is having you around to talk to, she is just keeping you where SHE WANTS it, at cost of YOUR mental health. Can't you see she is using you? You gave all your power to her, she is CONTROLLING you. Keeping you close comforts her and it satisfies her to keep you as a back-up. But that isn't going to heal you, its going to drag you so far down that you will be in pain for MUCH longer. Move on, go full NC for your own sake. Her indecision is confusing you to a state where you will be unable to live and enjoy your own life.
No Limit Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You're her doormat. Cut all ties, block her anywhere you can and don't react if she tries to contact you. And should she be so desperate that she goes to the extreme to stand right at your door, you tell her to back off. That's the only way. You two have no future together.
Author joseph1109 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Thanks for laying it out there straight. Do you think I should send her a text telling her that I'm not going to go through this anymore and to let me move on for good?
Author joseph1109 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 And...to throw a kink in all this, she has a son who's father abandoned them when he was born. I came into their life when he was one year old and have been the father figure in his life since. I don't want to leave him behind but he is not my child and me staying in his life means I'm part of her's also. I have continued to see him two days a week since we split and help with him financially also. He's not legally my responsibility but what do I do???
somecamel Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 And...to throw a kink in all this, she has a son who's father abandoned them when he was born. I came into their life when he was one year old and have been the father figure in his life since. I don't want to leave him behind but he is not my child and me staying in his life means I'm part of her's also. I have continued to see him two days a week since we split and help with him financially also. He's not legally my responsibility but what do I do??? I understand your problem but you need to start looking after yourself. I'm sure the little boy will be able to move on. How long is is going to be until she finds someone else? Where do you stand then? Do you continue providing a father figure and financial support to a son that isn't yours? Are you providing this 'service' for her and not for him in the first place so she knows you'll always be there. Be honest with yourself and take some time as well, if need be tell her you need some time to process things and it might be best if you don't look after the boy for bit.
Author joseph1109 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Honestly, yes I think I do it mostly to look good in her eyes. I do care about him and don't want to hurt him but the time I spend with him is nerve racking because it's just another reminder of what has happened. Deep down I want to move on but getting the courage to turn my back on her for good has been very hard. I don't know why. She doesn't seem to have a problem ripping my heart out over and over. I try to think that she's not intentionally doing it and she says she isn't but she also knows how I feel and that it hurts when she does this back and forth crap. I don't understand how you can continually hurt someone who genuinely loves and cares about you. I guess it's just a one way love.
somecamel Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Honestly, yes I think I do it mostly to look good in her eyes. I do care about him and don't want to hurt him but the time I spend with him is nerve racking because it's just another reminder of what has happened. Deep down I want to move on but getting the courage to turn my back on her for good has been very hard. I don't know why. She doesn't seem to have a problem ripping my heart out over and over. I try to think that she's not intentionally doing it and she says she isn't but she also knows how I feel and that it hurts when she does this back and forth crap. I don't understand how you can continually hurt someone who genuinely loves and cares about you. I guess it's just a one way love. It sounds like it is. The sad fact is you're the only one that can do something about it.
Author joseph1109 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 It sounds like it is. The sad fact is you're the only one that can do something about it. I'm just gonna go about my business as if she isn't even in the picture.
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