hillybilly45 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I am not proud of this..infact so ashamed not shared with another soul...five years ago I started an affair with a co-worker, a divorcee, confessed his feelings he had for me...a married woman of ten years...to be fair to him he never expected reciprocity. We worked closely and had lot of regard and respect for each other humanly and professionally.we were drawn closely and I feel more deeply in love. My marriage had been dead pretty much before I'd even met him but being with him made me realize what companionship and the real thing meant. He too claimed he loved me and it was understood that we'd be together when the right moment came, causing as little lateral damage as possible. My husband lived in his own world, communication between us was almost nil and living in separate cities we met rarely. We'd stopped having sex too. I never had sex with my partner, went on dates or did anything lover-like. There was a lot of chatting, sharing through conversations at work and texts. The physical thing was not important and we thought it would happen when it did. I must also say that he brought out a lot of work pressure on me, sometimes causing me great grief and misusing his superior position. Six months ago he relocated and I was supposed to join him in his new work place. I too gave up my current post and was to join him there. I was to get a divorce which would not come as any surprise to my husband. We kept in touch by phone, I visited his new workplace and my job was almost fixed. My husband was quite keen that I should go as I was getting a better deal. Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Don't tell me what I did was wrong. I know that... Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. Going crazy with regret, he's moved on and flaunting his new connections...while I'm filled with self loathing and bitterness. Just sharing...can't do it with anyone in person.
Zahara Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You received a good amount of feedback from your last thread. I am not sure if LS is the place for you. Reposting threads isn't going to help you. It would help for you to get some counselling so that you have an ongoing support system while you go through this. It could also help you gain the coping skills you need not only on the affair aspect, but with life in general as it seems you are struggling in all areas. 2
bluenote Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 it is human to make mistakes, it is natural to fall and fail, but you have to get up and have the will to overcome. the fact that you have remorse is a very good sign. Its understandable your mariage is dead and you were looking for some affection,attentionand love, you wanted to feel desired etc. I fail to see in your post how or what you tried to make your mariage work,but maybe thats beside the point. If the man cut ties perhaps he decided to see if he can't work on his own mariage, perhaps he still loves his wife and saw from you what he didn't do or what your husband didn't do which made you want to leave. In general, now you have a good oportunity to get divorced and seek another healthier mariage, if you haven't done that you will seem oportunistic in that you only had a problem big enough to cheat on your husband but now that the other man is gone the problem is not that big.
cenz Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 be strong hillybilly45, sending prayers to you. Pick yourself up, find a new job and maybe get into counseling. I hope everything will work out well in the end.
learning_slowly Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Everybody makes mistakes. It seems most of your replies have a lot of hate to give especially when they haven't lived ŷour life. They must all be perfect, which has me wondering why they're here? But how do YOU move on? Look at your husband. Is there any love there? Can you not go to marriage counselling to sort out why you are not close. It may cause you to split or grow stronger. Either way it seems better than where you are at. I agree with the rest that affairs are not the way to go, but I assume you realise that now, and will change your ways? I don't think it would benefit your husband to know about the affair, so keep that on here. You will have to deal with that pain in private.
FredJones80 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I don't think it would benefit your husband to know about the affair, so keep that on here. Nice advice. Is this part of the cheaters handbook? Funny how you, an ex-cheater yourself advocates this user deceiving her husband. Regardless of their "dead" marriage, perhaps being honest is the RIGHT thing to do. We can all go around doing things that are "wrong" or "bad" and all keep quiet about it. Is that really the right thing to do though? Grow a pair of balls and get out of your "dead" marriage and then get with whoever you want. 1
mangetout Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Op your remorse and guilt comes from being rejected by your affair partner and not the fact that you cheated behind your partner's back. You will cheat again when there is another opportunity. The way you feel right now is exactly how your husband would feel if he knew what a hypocrite you really are. This is how you fix this. Work on your marriage or accept its dead and divorce. But don't play with your husband like this. You didn't like being "played" so don't do it to him.
learning_slowly Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Regardless of their "dead" marriage, perhaps being honest is the RIGHT thing to do. So you'd choose to cause pain to the innocent party? Seems strange that you are so anti cheater, but would want to cause pain to the victim!
Zahara Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) So you'd choose to cause pain to the innocent party? Seems strange that you are so anti cheater, but would want to cause pain to the victim! A strange comment to make. The sudden ability to feel empathy and have a conscience over how the "victim" may feel? Now, after all is said and done? The only reason a cheater would have this mindset is for their own self-preservation. It's better to hide than to suffer the repercussions. It's not about the victim's feelings. The truth, while it will cause pain, helps the "victim" to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a lie. I think, at least that much is owed to the victim. Edited June 6, 2014 by Zahara 2
FredJones80 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 A strange comment to make. The sudden ability to feel empathy and have a conscience over how the "victim" may feel? Now, after all is said and done? The only reason a cheater would have this mindset is for their own self-preservation. It's better to hide than to suffer the repercussions. It's not about the victim's feelings. The truth, while it will cause pain, helps the "victim" to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with a lie. I think, at least that much is owed to the victim. Was going to respond earlier but decided against it, can't discuss with the cheater mindset. That said you've articulated my feelings better than I could of done myself Zahara, so for that I am grateful 1
Author hillybilly45 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Well Zahara you are right...I must stop posting on this site especially since all I am going to get is judgement from people who feel themselves morally superior. Well done you guys...you've done nothing wrong in life... It was a mistake for me to think that I could get some perspective from folks who do know what right and wrong are, but also know that people really make very very bad mistakes and choices anyway. I know I caused my own suffering and it's fine for you guys to pass sentence but I'm living through my own hell and since I cannot even go into therapy I thought sharing here would help...but thanks for making me feel more depressed than ever... Learning_slowly at least there's one aspect you've understood...thank God for small mercies!!!
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