cenz Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Hello fellow LS, I'm here to gain some insight and see from others perspective about this trust issues I'm having. I had been in and out of relationship and most of the time the culprit is my insecurities, but it was not without a reason. My last ex contacted his ex on facebook asking how she's doing as there were a possible riot in her area of living. he didn't told me but i found out myself. I know, i know, it's not good snooping plus it was a riot but my point is, why do you even bother? she's an ex and that's that, plus where's the honesty? He told me before this event that he won't contact any of his ex and i trusted him, it was a shock when i found this out. His reasoning were that his friend told him about the possible riot and ask him if he contacted and tried to ask her well being. I don't know if it's just me but all these social media thing is really really putting so many stress on me. I'm currently single but I'd like to work out this issues before i ever stepped into another relationship. The issues of multiple secret emails, multiple Facebook account, instagram issues of following another woman account, deleted chat history, hidden search history, every single of this thing drives me crazy and i'm feeling like i can't function or have a good relationship with all these fear. my ex (the same ex) chatted intensely with his co-worker for months and i didn't even know because i trusted him. In the end i found out by snooping. He regretted, came clean, said it was just a chat, never went out together and no body contact. After that he didn't do it again and totally try to make up for it, told me it was a mistake and was trying to run away from our relationship issues, but the damage is done and I'm having a hard time to trust, i have the constant constant suspicion and feels like there's something lurking although another part of me see the reality and there's really nothing and he has changed. I'm really hating all these social medias, it's making my trust issues worse and my next relationship sure as hell wont be without social media, everybody is doing it these days. How do i even find the clarity to face this fear?
Author cenz Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Bump, really want to see others opinion about this or just sharing their experience with social media insecurities. Is my typing hard to understand or too jumbled? English is not my mother tongue, i hope you guys don't mind..
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Social media does a lot of damage. It makes people insecure. It makes it easier to find & keep in touch with old flames. It even makes relatively happy & well adjusted people crazy because it's like keeping up with the Jones on steroids because people only put the good things so it seems like everybody is having more fun then you. After a riot or natural disaster or even a death in the family, it's not unheard of for EXs to reach out. Human compassion is a good thing. Be happy that you were with a guy who cared enough to make sure that somebody he used to care about wasn't seriously hurt but that he also had enough sense to be sort of public about his inquiry & that his inquiry was simply friendly not flirtatious. Not every communication with an EX is a slight against the current relationship. 6
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You are being unreasonable concerning him checking up on his ex. Exs are human being that have shared our lives it's normal to care if they might be armed. So you are insecure concerning social media, here is my advice, don't be on them then. I am only on FB and my only contacts are my family and close friends. I have never ever added a boyfriend to my FB. I know if I add them on there I will be surfing their profile and falsely interpret what I am seeing, I prefer not seeing at all. My boyfriend is on every possible social media, I don't follow him, I am not going to put myself through this stress. If he cheats on me the truth will get to me eventually I don't need to have him under surveillance. So stop the non sense. If you doubt your boyfriend to the point of snooping on him then your relationship is already over, you don't need proof, the fact he is making you feel like you are not the only one is enough to terminate the relationship.
Author cenz Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Let me get this hard truth in my head, so I'm the one being overly sensitive? He's hiding the fact that he messaged her, doesn't that mean something? I know that if someone cheats the truth will come out eventually, it's the how long of a time that i have been the dumb one that gets me. I wouldn't want to find out after marriage 1
me85 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Let me get this hard truth in my head, so I'm the one being overly sensitive? He's hiding the fact that he messaged her, doesn't that mean something? I know that if someone cheats the truth will come out eventually, it's the how long of a time that i have been the dumb one that gets me. I wouldn't want to find out after marriage You're human. It was wrong of him to keep secrets. Hiding stuff automatically makes people look guilty even if their intentions are completely innocent. So yes, I agree with you on that. & there's nothing wrong with remaining single until you're more confident with yourself. We've all been burnt and made to feel insecure at some point. Those wounds will heal, don't worry.
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 How was he hiding it? I have no idea who my husband sends messages to or talks to during the day. Then again I don't care that much because I trust him. OMG, we'd never get anything done if we had to tell each other every person we spoke to / communicated with in a given day. Given the confidentiality of our respective careers it would also be impossible. If his EX was in danger & he sent her a message through social media I would be OK with that. If the message was lovey - dovey & flirty I'd have a problem. You need to relax & learn to differentiate between dangerous contact & civility / kindness. I was out of the office this morning & saw an EX of mine. We waved across a hallway & mouthed "hi". We were never closer than 10 feet from each other. I saw him for less than 10 seconds. I run into him a few times per year. DH knows this. However, I have no intention of going home tonight & telling my husband I waved at my EX. Even if we hadn't been both rushing & we'd spent 20 minutes getting a cup of coffee, I still probably wouldn't have told DH because the casual public nature of the interaction was meaningless beyond common courtesy. Your insecurities are your own worst problem. Get a handle on them before you destroy your next relationship 2
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Let me get this hard truth in my head, so I'm the one being overly sensitive? He's hiding the fact that he messaged her, doesn't that mean something? I know that if someone cheats the truth will come out eventually, it's the how long of a time that i have been the dumb one that gets me. I wouldn't want to find out after marriage I don't understand the <hiding it> You mean your boyfriend had to report his every communication to you? Why? didn't you think he could be concerned for an ex's safety without wanting to F her? Didn't you think he was a big boy enough to do that while respecting you and your relationship? A man that cheats on you won't marry you. A man cheating on you is preparing his exit. Women discovered cheating way before the Social Media were involved. The red flags are not limited to the internet. It's all around you if you pay attention.
Author cenz Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I realized too that my insecurities are the reason i keep failing in my relationship. I've just got out of 4 years relationship, same old reason, he feels suffocated, too clingy, too needy, control freak. My insecurities are now getting to a point i feel crippled and scared of getting into a relationship. I don't know what to do. Counseling/therapy is not an option, don't have one in my area. i'm constantly afraid that i will end up alone, living with myself and all my baggage. I feel so tired, even reading the LS cheating section trigger my anxiety.
Author cenz Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I don't understand the <hiding it> You mean your boyfriend had to report his every communication to you? Why? didn't you think he could be concerned for an ex's safety without wanting to F her? Didn't you think he was a big boy enough to do that while respecting you and your relationship? A man that cheats on you won't marry you. A man cheating on you is preparing his exit. Women discovered cheating way before the Social Media were involved. The red flags are not limited to the internet. It's all around you if you pay attention. We talked about not contacting ex before and he said he won't. Maybe finding that he did triggered my insecurities. If he had told me, i guess it would've been fine. I find i have a hard time trusting my partner's decision, i have constant fear that they will hurt me in any way.
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I realized too that my insecurities are the reason i keep failing in my relationship. I've just got out of 4 years relationship, same old reason, he feels suffocated, too clingy, too needy, control freak. My insecurities are now getting to a point i feel crippled and scared of getting into a relationship. I don't know what to do. Counseling/therapy is not an option, don't have one in my area. i'm constantly afraid that i will end up alone, living with myself and all my baggage. I feel so tired, even reading the LS cheating section trigger my anxiety. Actually apparently support groups are better then therapy. Support groups are aiming at finding solutions, therapy is scratching the booboo. If it's not available then take up reading. The Giant Within from Anthony Robbins really changed how I perceive life now.
Mrin Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Let me get this hard truth in my head, so I'm the one being overly sensitive? He's hiding the fact that he messaged her, doesn't that mean something? In short - yes. You are being overly sensitive on this. Human compassion is a good thing and being able to still worry about an ex's well being is a sign if compassion. I like what d0nnivain said - your insecurities and needing to know everything will be the ruin of you. Sometimes you just have to play the hand you are dealt. Pick a good man. Focus on the relationship and stop worrying about what he might be doing with his private time. Be mindful of how he treats you and makes you feel. That's the most important part. Snooping will drive you mad. Even if there is nothing you _will_ find something to worry about because you don't know the context or the intent. You need to trust the person with whom you are in a relationship. If you can't - then don't snoop. Either find out how to repair that trust or move on. I can't fathom what it would be like to be in a relationship where I was always being watched. Being checked up on. Or where I was doing the watching. There would be no time or trust left over for truly meaningful moments to share with her.
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I realized too that my insecurities are the reason i keep failing in my relationship. I've just got out of 4 years relationship, same old reason, he feels suffocated, too clingy, too needy, control freak. My insecurities are now getting to a point i feel crippled and scared of getting into a relationship. I don't know what to do. Counseling/therapy is not an option, don't have one in my area. i'm constantly afraid that i will end up alone, living with myself and all my baggage. I feel so tired, even reading the LS cheating section trigger my anxiety. Oh dear. That must be so crippling. You poor thing. If a live counselor is not a local option would you consider distance coaching through the phone or Skype? Other than having a vague idea that these programs exist I don't know enough about them to give you specifics. As for the hiding, if you two had previously promised that you would not contact EXs, the fact that he did it behind your back is a valid reason for you to be upset. The way you prevent that in the future is to give your partner the security & safety to know that he can talk to you about things so there is no need to hide them. If he had said up front, there was a riot in her area & I'm going to reach out to make sure her & her family are safe, you should have been able to respond to that positively -- gee, I'm so glad I'm dating a nice guy. Just because he didn't want harm to come to her doesn't mean he wanted her back. Do you understand the difference? You have to change your mindset. I read the LS cheating section & feel better: thank heavens I'm not dealing with that rather than OMG will DH do that do me?
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 We talked about not contacting ex before and he said he won't. Maybe finding that he did triggered my insecurities. If he had told me, i guess it would've been fine. I find i have a hard time trusting my partner's decision, i have constant fear that they will hurt me in any way. And if they hurt you then what? You will have a heartbreak, you will cry, you will get over it, and you will move on. It's life. I don't understand people that are afraid of hurting. Yes it sucks but it doesn't kill, it doesn't change you, won't put you in a wheelchair, won't get you fired, you will still be Cenz. I think I much prefer having a heart break then going to the dentist. When you have a couple of hearbreaks it scares you. When you had many heartbreaks, when you lost everything twice and rebuild yourself twice like I had to do, then you know heartbreaks don't kill, they pass, they make you stronger and wiser. 1
Sunfire73 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You just have to fully get to know a guy first before you get close. On the first few dates, you just try to have fun but not fully invest. As you find out more about him, talk about your values, and just be honest, tell him that trust is very important to you. And you feel at ease and your best if you trust someone. If he agrees to be exclusive and shows nothing to give you any doubts, you just have to trust him. When you always fear that he's doing something behind your back, that sabotages your relationship. Once a guy shows you how much he cares for you, you just have to let go and have fun. Give it a chance. No one can predict the future anyway. If something goes wrong, you would know, you would notice. Then that's when you address it.
Author cenz Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Thank you for all the kind reply, i think i really have a serious self esteem issues, i just hope i know how i can fix it somehow.
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