To Fight for Love, or Be Patient with Love; Girlfriend asking for space...

[timbap11]

My girlfriend of 3 years (unofficially), 1 year (officially) said that she still loves me so much, but wants a break or space now. And or that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. She says she doesn't know why she feels this way. She says that she sees and feels I am still making efforts to make her happy. She still sees and knows i love and care for her deeply, but at this moment she doesn't know why she doesn't fully want to try as much as she used too. She knows that it's not fair to me, and doesn't want to hurt me, but she sees that she is not giving it 100%, and doesn't know why. We had this conversation every weekend for the past two weeks. Last week being the first time, with her saying that she doesn't want to hurt me but needs some space. But we ended the weekend stating we would continue to try and work on things. My mentality is that what we've shared and been through is strong enough to get us through this situation. That every situation put in front of us is there to build us into that vision that we've set for ourselves. And i feel that giving up (a break or breakup) is quitting on what we've built. After that weekend, things somewhat seemed normal again in our conversation, it wasn't dead silence on the phone, she reached out to me a lot more, nicknames, etc. But there was still instances where she'd go right back into acting how she did before the talk, because i know her, i can tell when she's troubled, or over thinking, or trying to push me away, and she was doing that.

 

Now the other day, an incident occurred somewhere were i felt she was sceptical of taking me in the first place. And at the end of the night and incident, she let me go off into the night alone.In her defence she said she did defend me, and was going to come home with me, but didn't. In my opinion, if she loves me and cares for me as much as she says, and showed prior, she would have been there at the end, no matter if she was mad, or had doubts or anything. But she wasn't and i expressed this to her (Friday night). Now the next day (Saturday night) we attended an event together, she got tired halfway through, and wasn't much fun or engaged, but i didn't let it affect my interactions with her. The following day (Sunday) I helped her move all day. I asked her what would she have done if i wasn't there and she said i don't know, call on more friends to come. But she expressed how much she appreciated and thanked me for helping her all day. We showered together that night, and of course slept in the same bed (no sex though).

 

Now i'll tell you this, in between all of these times, and few weeks, there are moments when it felt right, when it felt natural, when it felt like it always had, and how i know it can be. I felt it in her kiss, or her caress, or the way he looked at me, etc. But as of last night we had the convo again and she said she still loves me so much and cares deeply, but feels we need a break. Coming from a girl who once said she didn't believe in or know what a break was, i echoed her statements but insisted we continue to try, but we slept on it. Even when we were sleeping, she would cuddle me, and lay on my chest, or hold my hand, or do anything to ensure we were touching closely. I joked and said that her subconscious knows whats up, and that her conscious needs to catch up.

 

But this morning we agreed to take some space for a week; i said i wouldn't text or call her, and we agreed that this was going to be our first step. Before i left we kissed, and in that moment i could feel what i know is still there, deep down. I felt that passion, that love, that spark that brought us together and keeps us close despite everything. I told her that i know she'll miss me, and that she was acting tough, we shared a few laughs, and kisses on the forehead, etc then i left.

 

Since she was my best friend, and my lover i fought the urge to text her when something happened to me today, but folded out of concern. She replied, but i kept the convo and statements short. But i realized this and stopped talking. A part of me was still expecting her to call me as soon as she got off work, but i knew it wasn't going to happen, and it didn't. But she did msg me about something silly and i responded briefly. It's going to be hard not messaging her as soon as i wake up "good morning beautiful", or call her at night to talk or wish her sweet dreams.

 

This is difficult. I don't know if this is the right way to handle this situation. I know our lives are evolving with the undertakings we are going through in our professional and personal lives. And i want to share each and every moment with her, and i want her to do and feel the same. I don't want to over analyse, or over think, or become over bearing. My cousin advised (before this space) that I shouldn't talk about our situation for a while, as girls can become exhausted from repeated conversations. But in our relationship forming, she insisted and encouraged I become a talk it out type,as I was the keep it in be patient and not talk about things at all type. Although we did start as co-workers, then friends, then good friends, then friends with benefits then lovers, I feel as though some of her resentment from those days when she wanted a relationship and i was hesitant because i was getting over a 4 year one, and was always honest with her, is resurfacing.

 

I don't want to run on, but I really love this girl, and I know deep down she really loves me. I just want to know that trying this No Contact thing is really going to work. I'm the type that likes to go after what i want, the type that believes there's always a solution to any problem. But i believe i'm nervous because this is a situation i do not see what the solution is. I just want her to feel like she wants to be in a relationship again. I know that she loves me and cares, but i want her to feel the need to express it as much as she once did, up until a few weeks ago. All of this seems somewhat sudden, although i believe there are catalysts outside of my control that have contributed to this, which kills me. I really do see myself with this girl, and just want her to remember and realize that deep down she does as well.

 

Any advise out there would be helpful. I've heard and read that the No contact method is the best method when she is asking for space, but its a hit and miss method. And i just don't want to miss, i don't want to miss out on her, or what we've built over the years, or what we've envisioned for our future. I will try this for the week, and see how it goes, although it will be unbelievably hard. IF anyone can offer any other tips, advice, words of encouragement, or criticism, all are welcomed.

 

Bless.

[daisydook]

NC is the best thing, in this situation. In your attempt to keep her close to you, you will push her away. In other words, you will create what you fear the most, which is losing her completely.

 

 

Trust me, if things are meant to be, and she wants to be with you, she will find you and make sure you know. Until then, give her space.

[todreaminblue]

i am so glad i read your post.....i will come back later and write more.....deb

[todreaminblue]

I am glad i read this post because it made me smile...i always smile when i read or see love for another.......caring compassion and concern on your behalf.....and loads of love for your gf.....i cant tell you what you need to know.......i have never believed in no contact.....not deep down at heart level.......through all my walls i dont beleive in it....i think if you can talk and speak you speak......you have a respect and honesty and gentleness.....

 

 

with no contact someone sits with a broken heart while the other is in confusion most of the time......as i sit with both a broken heart and confusion......too scared too move ....i know the outcome......it can never be positive for me the more time ticks away the more i drift........limited contact and thoughtful pauses can be good ...no contact is hell incarnate......necessary in only people who feel it necessary

 

 

but as other opinions are skewed on here from personal experience so is mine....by a meeting i just had ...that has made me really ....teary...medication etc......sore mouth...been in the wars and i am defeated.......by deceit and dental procedures....lol......the triple threat deb with dental procedures and deceit...........but am i defeated?.......nah am for now though......i am wounded and i need to heal, was fighting for my daughters rights not even about me...........and i am defeated in that...i didnt have a chance.....for now......ill pick it up again tomorrow and get my daughter the help she needs.....never let the sunset on an argument or confusion.....no contact is not necessarily good for resolution for drifting its perfect ...or limbo that never has resolution i think its between to deal with it in fight or make the choice to retreat let it be known....dont have regrets...even if you cry .....to me no contact its avoidance and i prescribe to it.......often....to avoid confrontation........defeat is tough.........to go on is tougher........so my advice from my heart....is follow your own heart........do what you feel is right you know this girl ....trust your heart trust your feelings and believe........not everyone gets defeated some go on to bigger and brighter things through defeat anyway.......sound liek a tv advertisement now.......smilin....i still smile in defeat even when tears get in the way.....best wishes.....always......deb

Edited June 4, 2014 by todreaminblue

[free_radicals]

Going through something similar: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/479745-girlfriend-recently-divorced-when-we-met-now-she-s-not-sure-what-she-wants

 

I think the right way to handle the situation is what you're doing right now: you need to give her space so she can re-think what's important to her, what she wants, whether she wants to continue, etc. NC I think is also the best way to go with your week-long break. This is your and her time to really think about what each of you want without any interference or influence. I think a week isn't enough though. We are doing at least two weeks (on day 3 today).

 

One thing you should think about is if she REALLY loves you, judging from her words and actions prior to this conversation starting up. For me, I know my GF really loves me because her words and actions leave no doubt in my mind, but I think now is not the best time for her to be in a relationship. It's the case that both love each other, shouldn't be together, at least right now.

 

It doesn't matter how you feel about a girl, or you think she feels about you, taking a break means breaking up. It has been my experience that when a girl needs a break from her man, she is going to go out, party, and hook up with some random guy. Do NOT sit around and wait for this girl that wants her space. Give her that space. Go find yourself a date, Have a good time without her. I would do a NC and if she wants to talk, let her end the break she initiated.

 

I don't think this is always the case. My ex (not current GF) did want a break to party and see what's out there. But my currrent GF and I are on a break, but we have not broken up (we don't want to), and she's not the type to hook up with anyone and party. She just needs to figure out her priorities and why she feels the way she does (has nothing to do with wanting to party/see other guys, etc.) It depends on that individual's personality. At the same time, the OP's GF could be lying and telling you she's not sure what she wants because she has interest in another guy, has too much going on, she's not happy, etc. I KNOW my GF really loves me and wants to continue, but it's probably best for us not continue *right now*, and the OP could be in the same situation.

Edited June 4, 2014 by free_radicals

[lolablue17]

Did you talked and agreed about seeing \ not seeing other people during the space time?

 

Because if you didn't, I can tell for sure that's what she is going to do - To date other people. She then will tell you - "but we didn't agree not to see other people".

Because if she didn't mean to date - she would make sure to state that rule.

 

So while you're waiting, she may not do the same.

 

keep it in mind.

[d0nnivain]

I suspect it's over for her but she doesn't have the words or self confidence to express that. As a nice person, she doesn't want to be the source of causing you pain but when she ends the relationship that is exactly what will happen. She can't stay with you just to avoid making you unhappy if her heart is no longer in it. She's moving -- literally you helped her -- and she may believe that she's at a make or break point: are you The One or is it time to move on before her biological clock runs out?