Suggestions on how to deal with the insecurity?

[jennyc33]

I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. He's cute, funny, smart and generally just really fun to be around. He asked me to be exclusive about a month into the relationship, and we didn't sleep together until 2 1/2 months in (mostly his idea, he said the best relationships are formed by waiting).

 

The only drawback is that he just doesn't need to see me as much as I would like to see him - he's okay with just once a week. I've been dealing with bouts of insecurity followed by feeling totally comfortable and on top of the world. Lots of ups & downs that I realize are self-created because my natural pace does not match his. Meanwhile, he seems totally comfortable because he is 100% setting the pace for us.

 

He is a very busy person, has a very active social calendar and also works probably 50 hours/week. He has not integrated me into his life so when he's busy with something else, it means he doesn't see me, I don't get invited to go along. I met his coworkers a couple months ago briefly, but that's it. I have never met a friend of his. He has met people on my side - my sister and a few friends.

 

On the bright side, he has never backed out on any plans that we've made, and the longest we've gone without seeing each other is a week (he mostly has been asking me out, but I've been trying to be better lately about reciprocating), so I somewhat feel bad complaining. He's very affectionate when we are together and when I told him it makes me insecure if we don't text every day he stepped it up and has not missed a day since.

 

I know that he likes me, but I just can't shake this feeling that if he were really into me, he'd be seeing me 2-3 times a week easy, and that I'd be invited along to some of his plans with friends. (Not all, I very much enjoy my time with the girls and expect him to have lots of guy time as well, but I'd like to be included on occasion). Maybe he's just a slow mover, or maybe I'm seeing what it will always be like. I won't know without being patient and letting time tell me. (I have expressed before that I'd like to hang out more, and it hasn't happened. I don't want to nag about it by discussing it further - I feel like if he wants to see me he'll make it happen).

 

I'm almost 38, and never been married. He's 41 and never been married. I know that he likes me, I just fear that he doesn't like me enough. I guess mainly I just want to know any advice for dealing with the insecurity and the fear that comes with not knowing what's going to happen. I think in the past I've cut relationships off to self-protect when I start feeling the insecurity, but I don't want to do that here. Any feedback is welcome, I really do want to learn and get better at relationships.

 

And sorry for the book, I'm new to this and it was a little therapeutic to get it all out in writing. I probably went overboard in the detail, forgive me.

[starrynightz45]

I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. He's cute, funny, smart and generally just really fun to be around. He asked me to be exclusive about a month into the relationship, and we didn't sleep together until 2 1/2 months in (mostly his idea, he said the best relationships are formed by waiting).

 

The only drawback is that he just doesn't need to see me as much as I would like to see him - he's okay with just once a week. I've been dealing with bouts of insecurity followed by feeling totally comfortable and on top of the world. Lots of ups & downs that I realize are self-created because my natural pace does not match his. Meanwhile, he seems totally comfortable because he is 100% setting the pace for us.

 

He is a very busy person, has a very active social calendar and also works probably 50 hours/week. He has not integrated me into his life so when he's busy with something else, it means he doesn't see me, I don't get invited to go along. I met his coworkers a couple months ago briefly, but that's it. I have never met a friend of his. He has met people on my side - my sister and a few friends.

 

On the bright side, he has never backed out on any plans that we've made, and the longest we've gone without seeing each other is a week (he mostly has been asking me out, but I've been trying to be better lately about reciprocating), so I somewhat feel bad complaining. He's very affectionate when we are together and when I told him it makes me insecure if we don't text every day he stepped it up and has not missed a day since.

 

I know that he likes me, but I just can't shake this feeling that if he were really into me, he'd be seeing me 2-3 times a week easy, and that I'd be invited along to some of his plans with friends. (Not all, I very much enjoy my time with the girls and expect him to have lots of guy time as well, but I'd like to be included on occasion). Maybe he's just a slow mover, or maybe I'm seeing what it will always be like. I won't know without being patient and letting time tell me. (I have expressed before that I'd like to hang out more, and it hasn't happened. I don't want to nag about it by discussing it further - I feel like if he wants to see me he'll make it happen).

 

I'm almost 38, and never been married. He's 41 and never been married. I know that he likes me, I just fear that he doesn't like me enough. I guess mainly I just want to know any advice for dealing with the insecurity and the fear that comes with not knowing what's going to happen. I think in the past I've cut relationships off to self-protect when I start feeling the insecurity, but I don't want to do that here. Any feedback is welcome, I really do want to learn and get better at relationships.

 

And sorry for the book, I'm new to this and it was a little therapeutic to get it all out in writing. I probably went overboard in the detail, forgive me.

 

Your relationship sounds creepily similar to mine. My guy, while he is really attentive and affectionate in person, just seems content with seeing each other 1x a week, whereas I'm totally willing to make time to see him more often. I too, have him asking me to do things with my friends all the time, but I have yet to meet anyone from his side. It makes me feel insecure too, but at the same time - it's only been 3 months.

 

What's more, we're in the same field so we're both equally busy. I don't think you're being insecure. Your feelings are valid. The only difference being that you've brought up that you'd like to see one another more often, and your boyfriend hasn't done anything in response - either by telling you its not possible, or by arranging for you two to see one another more often. That's odd, and maybe something worth mentioning one more time. But I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.

 

I do think it's still really early on, and that you should bring it up one more time - then just go with the flow. Easier said than done, trust me I know. But the reality is, men who aren't interested don't text daily. They don't "always" arrange dates, and they don't respond to demands from women by adjusting their behavior (as you indicated that he did with the texts). It's possible that seeing you more just isn't physically possible at this point, but it's something worth talking to him about. If he cares about you, he'll at least openly address it so you two can be on the same page.

[giblesp]

He's a control freak. Keeps it all at a safe distance so he can't get hurt.

Its usually a womans purpose in a mans life to point out his weaknesses. Go for it.

[Emilia]

I think some people - especially men - are good at pretending to be in a relationship with you while the reality is that they want to keep their distance and it's more like an FWB arrangement. Sounds like that's what you have. An exclusive FWB.

[Gaeta]

I think it's time to have a conversation on why you 2 are dating. Maybe he is only casually dating while you are wanting to build a relationship. When people care they find time if not they make time.

 

My bf and I have a time issue also but even though he works 65 hours a week including weekends, we are separated by 40km with city traffic, he still finds time to see me 2-3 times a week. We have been dating for 3 months. Sometimes he cannot make it early but at least we get so sleep in each others arms.

 

When you see him once a week how long does it last?

 

Does he stay over?

 

Do you stay over at his place?

[Frank2thepoint]

I'm going to offer a counterpoint from the other posters.

 

First, you said he is the one asking you out and you are trying to reciprocate. You are correct that he is setting the pace of the relationship, but you are allowing him to set the pace.

 

Second, when you told him you wanted him to text you more often, he met your needs, and now you do it daily. You communicated this with him and he has met your request. I see no problem so far.

 

Third, you said he works about 50 hours/week. That's a lot of time to put into work, leaving little for personal time. Not to mention travel time to-and-from work. On top of that, he is social with friends. So he manages his time carefully, between work, friends, and with you.

 

If you want to see him more often, then set up dates to be together. Insert yourself more into his social calendar. This means you need to step up with asking him out on dates. You definitely need to reciprocate, otherwise he will continue doing what he does. Since he hasn't backed out of any plans you've both made, then this is good. You are in a relationship, so you need to be an active participant.

[jennyc33]

I stay over at his house since his house is closer to both of our jobs and has more restaurants, night life, etc. He's offered to come to mine but it's easier for both of us to go to his.

 

Typically we see each other from about 7pm to around 9am if it's a weeknight. If it's a weekend then we see each other from around 7pm to 3 or 4pm the next afternoon.

 

He has spoken about wanting to be married, and not believing that he's 41 and not married yet. He treats me with kindness, respect and when we are together puts my needs above his own. He likes to ask me a lot of questions about my background, my thoughts, my feelings. He never watches TV around me he just wants to talk when I'm around and get to know me more. I feel like those things (combined with him telling me verbally he wants exclusivity) mean he doesn't want just casual.

 

I think it's time to have a conversation on why you 2 are dating. Maybe he is only casually dating while you are wanting to build a relationship. When people care they find time if not they make time.

 

My bf and I have a time issue also but even though he works 65 hours a week including weekends, we are separated by 40km with city traffic, he still finds time to see me 2-3 times a week. We have been dating for 3 months. Sometimes he cannot make it early but at least we get so sleep in each others arms.

 

When you see him once a week how long does it last?

 

Does he stay over?

 

Do you stay over at his place?

[jennyc33]

Hi Frank - I like having a man's point of view too, so thanks. You are correct that I'm letting him set the pace and I've tried to remedy that this week. I asked him out last Friday night and then this past Wed night. He said yes both times, and we had a great time together. Now, I backed off to see if he would ask me out for this weekend and unfortunately it's now Sat morning and he has not. I think seeing him on Wed may have been my one time for the following week, and now I missed out on our typical weekend date night. (sigh) It's fine, I had made other plans with the girls so I'm not sitting around, but it would have been nice.

 

At the same time I'm starting to see little tiny baby steps in the last week. He has started to talk more about his life outside of us, tell me what his friends are talking to him about and things about his mom & dad. He told me it's been really hard making friends here (just moved a year ago cross country) and that it puts him out of his comfort zone. Last time I was over and I needed to run out to my car he said he would teach me how to use his key (it's a finicky lock) Little signs that he's starting to open up and let me in. I think he's really just super slow. Like turtle slow.

 

I think I just need patience and to keep recognizing the tiny gestures/not expect a giant one like I've had in past (aka failed) relationships. Patience has just never been my virtue but I'm trying to learn.

 

 

 

I'm going to offer a counterpoint from the other posters.

 

First, you said he is the one asking you out and you are trying to reciprocate. You are correct that he is setting the pace of the relationship, but you are allowing him to set the pace.

 

Second, when you told him you wanted him to text you more often, he met your needs, and now you do it daily. You communicated this with him and he has met your request. I see no problem so far.

 

Third, you said he works about 50 hours/week. That's a lot of time to put into work, leaving little for personal time. Not to mention travel time to-and-from work. On top of that, he is social with friends. So he manages his time carefully, between work, friends, and with you.

 

If you want to see him more often, then set up dates to be together. Insert yourself more into his social calendar. This means you need to step up with asking him out on dates. You definitely need to reciprocate, otherwise he will continue doing what he does. Since he hasn't backed out of any plans you've both made, then this is good. You are in a relationship, so you need to be an active participant.

[readynow]

Could it be that he's so used to his own company, having been this age and never married, that although he loves being in a relationship, he doesn't have the need to see you that often?

 

It's very common with people who have been single for long. Very comfortable in their own company and had their own me-time all to themselves that it becomes strange to share that time with another person.

 

I'd say don't talk about it. Just sneak in slowly and unnoticed so that it grows on him. Mid-week, tell him you want to come over, have a drink and then leave after a couple of hours, next time, stay overnight, etc

 

It just might work.

[waiting4u]

I hear you on the insecurity thing. The guy I'm seeing makes me want to throw my phone across the room sometimes because he seems so unavailable (sometimes takes a bit to answer a text). That said, he works two jobs and spends about two hours a day doing martial arts, so I get it.

 

People are busy, and healthy people have lives outside of the relationship. Maybe you need to work on fostering your own social life, take up a new activity, or some such thing. Granted, I think twice a week is a better scenario than what you have going on so I would definitely bring it up. If you are having great sex, it seems a guy would want that to happen more often.

[jennyc33]

Thanks Ready Now. I feel like you may have hit the nail on the head. I will try your suggestion!!

[jennyc33]

Thanks for your thoughts and I know the default is to always think the person complaining is sitting around by themselves, however I have a very active social calendar myself and most weeks have a hard time fitting everything in. It's not a matter of me sitting around with nothing to do. It's just the fact that I think in order to grow a relationship you need to make the other person a priority and figure out a way to spend more than 1 day a week with each other. I don't need constant togetherness but I feel like 2 days a week would still give him his space, but make me feel like more of a priority. I fear without feeling like a priority at some point soon I will start closing up and not allow myself to be vulnerable in this relationship. Just trying to head that off.

 

 

I hear you on the insecurity thing. The guy I'm seeing makes me want to throw my phone across the room sometimes because he seems so unavailable (sometimes takes a bit to answer a text). That said, he works two jobs and spends about two hours a day doing martial arts, so I get it.

 

People are busy, and healthy people have lives outside of the relationship. Maybe you need to work on fostering your own social life, take up a new activity, or some such thing. Granted, I think twice a week is a better scenario than what you have going on so I would definitely bring it up. If you are having great sex, it seems a guy would want that to happen more often.

[SunnySide0418]

Thanks for your thoughts and I know the default is to always think the person complaining is sitting around by themselves, however I have a very active social calendar myself and most weeks have a hard time fitting everything in. It's not a matter of me sitting around with nothing to do. It's just the fact that I think in order to grow a relationship you need to make the other person a priority and figure out a way to spend more than 1 day a week with each other. I don't need constant togetherness but I feel like 2 days a week would still give him his space, but make me feel like more of a priority. I fear without feeling like a priority at some point soon I will start closing up and not allow myself to be vulnerable in this relationship. Just trying to head that off.

 

How often do you talk on the phone? By 4 months I would think it would be understood that you'd see each other on the weekend at least one day - no?

[irresolute]

mmm...doesn't sound good to me, sorry!

[jennyc33]

Soooo here's my update. In the middle of a great conversation with the boyfriend about an hour ago, I asked in a very positive way - so let's do a relationship check in, are you still happy dating me and happy with our relationship? I had planned to segue this into how much I liked him but wanted to start seeing him twice a week.

 

Anyways, there was that long pause, and then he told me he was planning to bring this up with me tonight too, but he did not have that feeling he should have with me. And he always enjoyed hanging out with me, he thought I'm fun and great and all, but he just should have this feeling, and he feels like his feelings have stalled.

 

Soooo back to the drawing board. I'm pretty sad right now. He was a good one. Just a really good person through & through. When you get to 38 the options really start dwindling and there's not that many folks out there interested anymore. Debbie downer I know. I'll start being more positive tomorrow.

 

Anyways, thanks for the relationship advice all.

[Sunfire73]

Aww, sorry it didn't work out. Anyway, your positive attitude will make you move on ok, and find the one more compatible for you

[jennyc33]

Thanks Sunfire, sweet of you to reply. I'm trying.

[jphcbpa]

At least you know and your gut was right. Trust yourself more next time. You were not insecure, he was just not fully available

[LoveFloats]

Jenny, I so commend you! While you do seem upset about it, you can still pick yourself up. I need to learn from you....I am a mess if a relationship of even a few weeks ends

Cheers to you

[Gaeta]

I am very sorry Jenny, I hope you are doing ok. We should definitely listen to our instinct more often.

[jennyc33]

To jphcbpa - Thanks, I like thinking of it that way. That I was right all along, I just didn't trust myself. Makes me feel like I wasn't such a victim.

 

To Love Floats - It's a little easier to try to be positive when you weren't used to spending so much time together. I will miss our one day a week, but the bright side for me is that he was not part of my everyday or every other day, because he never let me in too far. So I still had my entire other world going strong. So really, the only thing that I hated about our relationship is the only thing that has saved me in the end. Oh the irony!!! Plus, I have to admit, I went on match last night & reactivated my profile. The worst part of last night was getting down on myself that no one would want me at my age, at least no one that was fantastic that I would want back. So while it might not have been the healthiest thing to do, getting tons of messages right away definitely gave me an ego boost to start feeling better that just because I'm an old lady I'm not so awful to men as I think. Definitely need to do some affirmations in the mirror & remind myself how wonderful I am too. It's still very sad, but the distance between us kept me from too many daydreams about our future. And sometimes in a break up, that's the hardest part to let go of.

 

To Gaeta - Yes thank you, I'm ok this morning. I mean not really eating or sleeping, but I'm ok. I know that this is the worst of it and I already have many positive feelings, so I know I'll be okay. It does just suck to sit with your emotions & really feel them. I'm bad about that & just trying to truck right through them. I have to say, Love Shack is giving me this incredible opportunity to sit with my thoughts & actually think through them & feel them as I share with supportive people, and that is a blessing that I recognize this morning even sitting here with my heart broken. I have I have read a few of your threads over the last few days, and I hope that you as well learn to trust your instincts and take care of your own heart first and foremost as well. You deserve better!!