Tried my best, got caught off guard

[blagerjagr]

Thanks in advance for reading my post, I'm new here.

Was in a relationship with ex gf for 2.5 years (I'm 29, she's turning 25 in a few months). First year same city, since that year apart (she had to move for work). I was head over heels, madly in love, thought we'd get married. Due to my work, I wasn't able to move for about 3 years. Anyhow the first year apart was great. Things started falling apart the last half year though. I was feeling increasingly distant from her because of her pressure on me to move to her, as well as I had had a concern that in marriage she might not be warm towards my family (whereas I was incredibly good to her side). On her end, she was frustrated too and became increasingly closer with her guy friends, to whom she would always air out our laundry. I thought it made me look bad. At the end of the month I broke up with her. She pleaded with me not to, but I just told her I needed the space and I wasn't 100% sure anymore (and in truth, I didn't break up with her to see people; I needed to figure it out if this was going to be marriage).

She was incredibly distraught, and I tried being there for her (first mistake). Over the course of a few months we were still talking daily. By about month 3 I told her I wanted to see her and work on our issues, but she countered by saying she was too hurt and needed time to 'get over me first.' In retrospect it was probbaly here she had met someone. I said fine, let's not talk then. I held up my end, but she continued to text and email me every 1-2 days; I responded usually. Anyways, I had spent a lot of time over the months thinking that I would rather work through our issues and have her in my life, than live life without her; I told her I wanted to come see her and that I had a week off to do it. She said she wasn't sure, because she wanted to 'heal' first and that she was so confused and scared, but loved me so much and desperately wanted to get back together. So I again said, ok, let's not talk if you're confused. Of course over the next 3 weeks she continues to text and email daily saying she misses me and loves me. Even called me once the last weekend to say that. The next day she sends an email saying she misses me (all this time I don't initiate, just send polite, short replies). Then completely unsolicited that night, she sends a short 2 line email along the lines of 'I hope you're well. You probably know this but I am seeing someone new (I definitely didn't know this). I hope you're happy and taking care of yourself. I understand if you don't want to help (with this project I'd been helping her with) anymore. I appreciate everything you've done for me.'

 

Anyhow it goes without saying I didn't respond to that cowardly, abrupt email where she couldn't even bring herself to face me over phone or webcam; now I'm fluctuating between extreme anger and feeling betrayed/strung along/used as an emotional crutch. While I know I made the intiial move to break up, I did everything I could to make it up to her and completely laid myself out. I truthfully wasn't expecting her to rebound like that, especially doing this all the while using me emotionally and telling me she was confused while she's screwing other guys behind my back. I'm sad that this means we'll never get back together, but staying strong with NC and just doing productive things like traveling and exercising. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Insights on my situation? Thanks so much, I really appreciate it

[Elle1975]

An ex of mine broke up with me. Granted, we didn't have the connection you guys had. Anyway, he then tried to reconcile but that was it for me. He had broken up with me and I wasn't about to get try again, so I declined.

 

With my current break up, I'm having a much harder time, however I don't think I could get back with him either, even if he offered. Love is very much about trust for me, and for most people.

 

She might have felt the same way about you. Loved you but didn't see herself getting hurt again. She met someone new and chose the "pain free" or should I say "history free" alternative.

 

Sorry that you feel used. I don't think she necessarily did it on purpose.

 

She might just date that guy and realize you're the one.

[Lizie29]

An ex of mine broke up with me. Granted, we didn't have the connection you guys had. Anyway, he then tried to reconcile but that was it for me. He had broken up with me and I wasn't about to get try again, so I declined.

 

With my current break up, I'm having a much harder time, however I don't think I could get back with him either, even if he offered. Love is very much about trust for me, and for most people.

 

She might have felt the same way about you. Loved you but didn't see herself getting hurt again. She met someone new and chose the "pain free" or should I say "history free" alternative.

 

Sorry that you feel used. I don't think she necessarily did it on purpose.

 

She might just date that guy and realize you're the one.

 

That is what my ex is doing right now 2 ! Blagergagr keep your head up

[blagerjagr]

Thanks for the input - I truly don't think she hurt me intentionally, although it doesn't change the feeling of the level of betrayal. I agree that on some level she must have felt betrayed too and was mortified about being hurt again/very prideful. I think she absolutely took the easier/new way of going with the new, past-less guy who also presumably lives in town. I just think it's a shame she didn't give me a chance, when I know there was a part of her that truly wanted me and probably would have given in if she had allowed me to come out and see her. I think she went with the safe choice, and it really was a mistake but I'm using all my will to stay NC and trying to keep doing positive things in my life.

[Elle1975]

Thanks for the input - I truly don't think she hurt me intentionally, although it doesn't change the feeling of the level of betrayal. I agree that on some level she must have felt betrayed too and was mortified about being hurt again/very prideful. I think she absolutely took the easier/new way of going with the new, past-less guy who also presumably lives in town. I just think it's a shame she didn't give me a chance, when I know there was a part of her that truly wanted me and probably would have given in if she had allowed me to come out and see her. I think she went with the safe choice, and it really was a mistake but I'm using all my will to stay NC and trying to keep doing positive things in my life.

 

It's not on "some level", it's a betrayal for her too. While you were in a relationship you pledged your love to her, then broke it off. It's hard to swallow.

 

While I understand that you needed time to figure things out, it's a little bit selfish too. We can't expect people to wait around for our decision. What if you had decided that you wanted to date someone else? What then?

 

So maybe that's your turn to let her figure things out. Most guys (or girls) will f*ck things up anyway. Most relationships don't end in a happy ever after; you know that.

 

If she decides she wants to give it another go, I'd leave any bitterness behind, if you can. I'm not sure a lot of people would. You're the one hurting right now. It will be your call.

 

Anyway, NC is best. Let her breath. Give yourself time to get over her, or at least be on your way to.

[blagerjagr]

As much as I want her back in my life very much, I have been down this road before and I know that the thought of being with someone after they've been with someone else, and also after having felt that betrayed, it's not something that ever leaves me, no matter how good they are to me later/figure themselves out. I'm giving her space - Haven't contacted her nor do I plan to. Doing it just as much for myself too, to get over her.

[stillfiguringitallou]

So... wait.

 

you dumped HER.

 

Then she moved on and dated someone else (I'd wager you probably tried to have other relationships in that time too) and so she decided to take the safer route.

 

But - because of your PRIDE and inability to accept someone else has been with her in that time (the time since YOU left HER) you wouldn't give it another shot if she changed her mind?

 

But you love her right?

 

Thats not love - that's ownership.

 

You need to work on yourself. This whole thing sounded very self centered and absorbed.

[Elle1975]

As much as I want her back in my life very much, I have been down this road before and I know that the thought of being with someone after they've been with someone else, and also after having felt that betrayed, it's not something that ever leaves me, no matter how good they are to me later/figure themselves out. I'm giving her space - Haven't contacted her nor do I plan to. Doing it just as much for myself too, to get over her.

 

You don't aknowledge your own betrayal, and give minimal importance to her pain. I noticed it.Take responsibility; you broke up wih her. She met someone else. In hate to say it but she didn't betray you.

 

The tables simply got turned around and now you're standing in her shoes.

 

I hope it get better for you though.

[blagerjagr]

So... wait.

 

you dumped HER.

 

Then she moved on and dated someone else (I'd wager you probably tried to have other relationships in that time too) and so she decided to take the safer route.

 

But - because of your PRIDE and inability to accept someone else has been with her in that time (the time since YOU left HER) you wouldn't give it another shot if she changed her mind?

 

But you love her right?

 

Thats not love - that's ownership.

 

You need to work on yourself. This whole thing sounded very self centered and absorbed.

 

Actually that's not the case. I didn't date anyone (nor did I try), and we spoke throughout the entire breakup, repeatedly about getting back together. Call it what you whatever you want, but I know my boundaries and it is what it is. Different strokes for different folks. How is that any different from her not giving it another chance because she of her own pride being hurt?

[blagerjagr]

You don't aknowledge your own betrayal, and give minimal importance to her pain. I noticed it.Take responsibility; you broke up wih her. She met someone else. In hate to say it but she didn't betray you.

 

The tables simply got turned around and now you're standing in her shoes.

 

I hope it get better for you though.

 

I am standing in her shoes, and the tables were turned on me. I acknowledge that, and I actually did acknowledge that she felt betrayed by what I did, and I owned up to that in private with her. That's your opinion and it's fine, but telling me how much she loves me and wants to get back together with me while sleeping around with someone is betrayal to me, and I'm sure it would be for a lot of people, so there's no need to minimize that as well.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I am standing in her shoes, and the tables were turned on me. I acknowledge that, and I actually did acknowledge that she felt betrayed by what I did, and I owned up to that in private with her. That's your opinion and it's fine, but telling me how much she loves me and wants to get back together with me while sleeping around with someone is betrayal to me, and I'm sure it would be for a lot of people, so there's no need to minimize that as well.

 

Here is a reality check for you.

 

She probably does love you, she probably does want to get back together with you. But she doesn't trust you - because you betrayed her.

 

Whether you were seeing other people or not doesn't matter. Her developing a relationship with someone else when you are both single is not a betrayal not matter how you "choose" to see it.

 

It is not within your rights to expect her to wait around crying in her pillow while you try to decide whether or not you really love her.

 

My ex felt the same way - he pushed and pushed the envelope until I took our interaction to minimal and started seeing other people. Never had a physical relationship with any of them.

 

Our relationship when we did reconcile suffered from it - but it wasn't his right to expect me to sit around crying in my soup over the fact that he

 

"loved me but."

 

You are not in her shoes - you have already made the choice you'll "never be with her again because she "betrayed" you."

 

She spent how many months listening to you about how you missed her - how you wanted to be with her - how you loved her ... but oh no you won't come see her - not until you KNOW she is on board ... when ... she was never the one who got OFF board.

 

You are learning a lesson here. Take it or leave it.

 

I hope things get better for you I truly do. I understand being the one to leave and not able to move on is painful I guess (thats what my ex claims ... that my ability to move on so easily hurts him ...)

 

But unless you acknowledge your part ... and stop trying to convince yourself this won't work because what SHE did to YOU ... which was nothing besides refuse to put her life on hold for someone who considered her nothing more than an option ... you'll just repeat past mistakes.

[Elle1975]

I am standing in her shoes, and the tables were turned on me. I acknowledge that, and I actually did acknowledge that she felt betrayed by what I did, and I owned up to that in private with her. That's your opinion and it's fine, but telling me how much she loves me and wants to get back together with me while sleeping around with someone is betrayal to me, and I'm sure it would be for a lot of people, so there's no need to minimize that as well.

 

You left. You broke up. You thought it was okay for you to take your sweet time and decide if she was worthy or not of your love and affection. YOU. Not her. Please..

 

She was single, because.. you guessed it.. YOU dumped her.

 

Own your own mistakes. She didn't break up with you, you did. And now you basically calling her a wh*re for taking you up to your own words? ...

 

She did miss you. She did love you, and then.. she moved on.