bryceisbryce Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Men commit when they want to. Depending on the man it could be because he has no better options, he's tired of being alone, he really loves the girl, the sex is really good, or she's the best thing that has ever happened to him. I suppose these are the exact same reasons women commit.
ponchsox Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Men commit when they want to. Depending on the man it could be because he has no better options, he's tired of being alone, he really loves the girl, the sex is really good, or she's the best thing that has ever happened to him. I suppose these are the exact same reasons women commit. If you commit out of lack of options, this will change quickly, new car syndrome. I want to find my Ferrari. The one I know is the best. Nothing else compares. Smart, sexy, sophisticated, and gives that giddy feeling every time you see her.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Ugh, I hate reading relationship books but they do have valid points and make sense. Another one to try is "You Lost Him at Hello". One thing both of these books will tell you is that men are attracted to a woman who is comfortable in her own shoes, happy, confident, has her own life, and is perfectly fine being single. This is the type of woman they commit to. The minute you come off as needy is when they run. Live your life, have fun, date other people, and don't wait around for this guy. He'll see this and maybe he'll come around. Maybe he won't. Either way, you'll be just fine without him. :-)agreed. Time to wake up. He says he works a lot, has a lot on his plate and it's not fair for me to ask him to do that. But It's not fair to expect me to collect dust while he Lives his life. He asked to see me last week and I had a nice time; dinner, movie, etc. But it's not enough to keep me off the market. It's almost summer And no way in heck am I sitting around while he does god knows what.
MissBee Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) I have been dating this guy off and on since January. Well met him in January really. I started to make him feel pressured and he kind of backed off. Took a little break from each other and now were back. We get along great, go on dates, he keeps telling me isnt sleeping around (yeah right), he is affectionate with me, alot of PDA, we have sleepovers, etc. Even jokes around " if we were married....." but wont make the dive. Claims he doesnt want drama, has alot on his plate, works long hours, travels alot for work, etc. I understand that maybe some men just dont want it...but not sure if i believe this. We see each other maybe every week or so, so to me its just casual dating. Last time I was kind of getting clingy about the frequency but have decided not to do that. I like him alot, but at some point i do want a relationship. So when and if i meet someone who can give this to me, i will stop dating. I know how he feels about having a relationship. It's a waste of time to date someone who has been clear that they are unwilling to commit yet you stick around hoping to get an upgrade. Some men will be fine being with you for months and even years never making you a legitimate gf or wife....it's up to you to realize when it's happening and walk away. Men who are interested in a relationship/commitment are often interested in it from day one and when dating are dating to find a gf or wife so when they meet a woman whom they feel is "it" will move things forward relatively quickly and it's not ambiguous. You think this guy is sleeping around and you spend a lot of time trying not to be clingy and doing things so he won't leave and will commit...wrong! If you have to do that it means you're forcing something that is not working. If he wanted to be with you you'd not at all feel that way. Wanting a committed relationship isn't clingy...but it is foolish to date someone who doesn't want the same thing (or at least not with you) and try to squeeze that out of them...of course it will seem too much, mostly because they DON'T want it. Trust me...with a man who wants to be your bf, he will bring exclusivity up himself and you won't have to worry about appearing clingy. Don't be fooled by dates, sleepovers etc. That does NOT mean a man wants to commit. As I said, some men may enjoy your company, enjoy sex with you etc. and will do all these things but have NO desire for a real relationship with you and you may just be a place filler until they meet a woman they're truly into. You want to be the woman a man is truly into, where he wants to impress you and make you his gf just as much as you want that from him. In this situation you definitely aren't that for this guy and more time won't change it...it will just make you mad at yourself when you realize you've wasted all this time hoping for a commitment from a man not interested in it. You cannot make a man want to commit to you...sorry. He either does or doesn't. Love and relationships which are healthy are about free will and two people genuinely wanting to be together and wanting to commit...no one can force them, manipulate, coerce or seduce them into it and even if you try, it will eventually come crashing down. Edited June 4, 2014 by MissBee 4
Frank2thepoint Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Another thread with the same theme. 'I want to spend my lifetime with this person but.... 'Drum roll'....I don't even feel comfortable asking him.' I've read a lot of thread started by women that have this underlying message. They are afraid of voicing their desires to the man, so they expect the man to be a mind reader, but get frustrated and disappointed that he isn't. From day one when I have liked a man, I work on making him feel like he can trust telling me anything. I work hard at earning his absolute trust. I don't play games, don't bring up an ex. I want him to feel totally at ease with me. Know absolutely that I 100% want to be his woman. Anyways. I think the horse is out of the barn. This might be a real nice guy but you haven't put enough of yourself into going after what you want from him. My experience is that men aren't wanting to fool around, chase other women...they are just out there floating obliviously and will want a relationship when we provide a comfortable emotional nest for him. As man, I agree with this a lot. I need an emotional connection with a woman to commit to her. If I'm not provided that, if she is not showing her interest in me, not communicating with me, then I don't commit because I sense she's not into me. This is exactly what happened with my ex-girlfriends. Hence they are my exes. Many women forget it takes two to tango. They are deluded to think men are expected to initiate everything. Such expectations paint women as non-participants or bystanders, while they will argue that men who initiate are sexy, masculine, and displays their interest in the woman. They forget that men want to be engaged as well. Btw, having grown up in NYC, and still being close to the area...I can tell you that if the guy hasnt committed yet, he never will. NYC is a heaven of options for a young single guy. A heaven of options full of dingbats with no desire to commit. NYC is singles' paradise. For someone like me that wants a committed relationship, NYC is hell.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I've read a lot of thread started by women that have this underlying message. They are afraid of voicing their desires to the man, so they expect the man to be a mind reader, but get frustrated and disappointed that he isn't. As man, I agree with this a lot. I need an emotional connection with a woman to commit to her. If I'm not provided that, if she is not showing her interest in me, not communicating with me, then I don't commit because I sense she's not into me. This is exactly what happened with my ex-girlfriends. Hence they are my exes. Many women forget it takes two to tango. They are deluded to think men are expected to initiate everything. Such expectations paint women as non-participants or bystanders, while they will argue that men who initiate are sexy, masculine, and displays their interest in the woman. They forget that men want to be engaged as well. A heaven of options full of dingbats with no desire to commit. NYC is singles' paradise. For someone like me that wants a committed relationship, NYC is hell. I am in NYC as well. He knows I want a relationship. I express interest, I initiate texts, I make him feel wanted and loved as much as I can. When he asks me what I like about him(quite often) I answer best I can. He tells me I'm beautiful and I reciprocate
rosedl Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 If you are going after men who won't commit, let them go. I never have had a guy not come back and want to commit after a serious relationship. My last bf didn't want to commit and he now is talking about moving in with him and marriage. What changed? I stopped chasing him. I lived my own life. I went to Hawaii. If he walks, he knows there are PLENTY of guys who would love to date me (its true, I am beautiful, funny, and sexy and I am good person). The common denominator....not chasing the commitment. Being able to take it or leave it. Holding boundaries and walking when they are crossed. If you want a commitment and he doesn't, then leave. If he really loves you, he will be back. If not, good riddance. 2
Author enchanted771 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 If you are going after men who won't commit, let them go. I never have had a guy not come back and want to commit after a serious relationship. My last bf didn't want to commit and he now is talking about moving in with him and marriage. What changed? I stopped chasing him. I lived my own life. I went to Hawaii. If he walks, he knows there are PLENTY of guys who would love to date me (its true, I am beautiful, funny, and sexy and I am good person). The common denominator....not chasing the commitment. Being able to take it or leave it. Holding boundaries and walking when they are crossed. If you want a commitment and he doesn't, then leave. If he really loves you, he will be back. If not, good riddance. agreed. That's what I intend on doing. Our last " date" ended well and I'm just going to leave it be. Not chasing like I usually do. In fact haven't contacted him.
Frank2thepoint Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I am in NYC as well. He knows I want a relationship. I express interest, I initiate texts, I make him feel wanted and loved as much as I can. When he asks me what I like about him(quite often) I answer best I can. He tells me I'm beautiful and I reciprocate I think what your idea of a relationship is does not translate well. Take this example from your initial post: We see each other maybe every week or so, so to me its just casual dating. Last time I was kind of getting clingy about the frequency but have decided not to do that. I like him alot, but at some point i do want a relationship. So when and if i meet someone who can give this to me, i will stop dating. I know how he feels about having a relationship. You're unwilling to define it to him, unwilling to ask for more out him, because as you said, you think you might be clingy. You're afraid you might rock the boar. You're not gonna get a relationship out of him (or any man) if you are going to be squeamish about it. In fact, I think you are actually comfortable with the current situation. You are just entertaining a fantasy, but realized making the fantasy become reality requires effort on your part.
irresolute Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 If you are going after men who won't commit, let them go. I never have had a guy not come back and want to commit after a serious relationship. My last bf didn't want to commit and he now is talking about moving in with him and marriage. What changed? I stopped chasing him. I lived my own life. I went to Hawaii. If he walks, he knows there are PLENTY of guys who would love to date me (its true, I am beautiful, funny, and sexy and I am good person). The common denominator....not chasing the commitment. Being able to take it or leave it. Holding boundaries and walking when they are crossed. If you want a commitment and he doesn't, then leave. If he really loves you, he will be back. If not, good riddance. You a re actually giving false hopes to op. Your boyfriends did come back because they cared enough to come back. You actually don't know if her guy is interested at least minimally on her besides wanting to have sex. I've done everything to make my guy commit. Chase him. Not chase jim. Continued with life for months in a row... He never changed his point of view. NEVER. He was eager to see me and have sex with ne after a long period of no contact YES. but him changing his feelings for me or wanting to commit??? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. 1
Author enchanted771 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I think what your idea of a relationship is does not translate well. Take this example from your initial post: You're unwilling to define it to him, unwilling to ask for more out him, because as you said, you think you might be clingy. You're afraid you might rock the boar. You're not gonna get a relationship out of him (or any man) if you are going to be squeamish about it. In fact, I think you are actually comfortable with the current situation. You are just entertaining a fantasy, but realized making the fantasy become reality requires effort on your part. oh I have no problem making an effort. He's the one who freaks out and acts like pushing him into it.
Baller25 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 1. Right woman 2. Right time in his life I think it's just your number 2: right time in his life. For women the time doesn't matter so much as the actual guy. As soon as the right guy comes around then they settle down for that guy, regardless of what age or time of their life women are at. For guys it's not so much the women but rather the timing. We could meet the perfect woman in our early twenties but we'll always mess it up because it's not the right time. If the right time is 41 years old for example, then whatever women is in our lives at the time is the one we want to settle down with. That's why women say things like "oh he never did that for me when we were together" when they talk about ex's.
Phantom888 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I am in NYC as well. He knows I want a relationship. I express interest, I initiate texts, I make him feel wanted and loved as much as I can. When he asks me what I like about him(quite often) I answer best I can. He tells me I'm beautiful and I reciprocate Stay away from this person. He is using you and occupying your time while you are letting great opportunities pass you by. If he is too busy for a relationship, he should expect himself to be too busy to have sex with you. He just wants all the fun stuff without having to sacrifice anything to maintain a relationship. If you are so desperate to want an man who doesn't want you, then maybe you should go into the escorting business. At least you get paid to be humiliated. 1
Author enchanted771 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 He's 40...but supposedly focused on building up his business. I am just going to live my life, and when the right guy comes along I'll know. If this guy wanted to commit he would have. My exes both did within a month. Especially when I went out with my friends.
Frank2thepoint Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 oh I have no problem making an effort. He's the one who freaks out and acts like pushing him into it. But you're still with him. In fact, you said you're on and off, so you keep going back to him. I see that for you it's better to have someone to have sleepovers with, be affectionate with, and gripe about to friends, then be alone and single in this big, cold city that is NYC. You even think he sleeps around, but that doesn't matter to you, because he is a warm, affectionate body, and you are comfortable with the minimum amount of investment he is giving you. 1
MissBee Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You a re actually giving false hopes to op. Your boyfriends did come back because they cared enough to come back. You actually don't know if her guy is interested at least minimally on her besides wanting to have sex. I've done everything to make my guy commit. Chase him. Not chase jim. Continued with life for months in a row... He never changed his point of view. NEVER. He was eager to see me and have sex with ne after a long period of no contact YES. but him changing his feelings for me or wanting to commit??? NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. Precisely. Not chasing a man may make him intrigued but that will not make him fall inlove with you or want to commit to you if he genuinely doesn't feel that way about you. The advice which makes it seem like "stop chasing" will mean he'll commit is not true. Likewise, I've had that experience of a man seemingly wanting me more when I held him at arm's length but that did not change his unwillingness to commit to a real relationship. A man who wants to be with you in a real relationship needs no prompting and it's not about chasing or not chasing. The reason you're chasing is precisely because he DOES NOT want the commitment...hello. If he did, it wouldn't be a chase or at least he'd be pursuing you...and he isn't and you're chasing, meaning he doesn't want it. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 He's 40...but supposedly focused on building up his business. I am just going to live my life, and when the right guy comes along I'll know. If this guy wanted to commit he would have. My exes both did within a month. Especially when I went out with my friends. The busiest of business men are in committed relationships. Sometimes people.genuinely aren't in the right place to be in a relationship. MOST of the time however, a man will move mountains to be with a girl he is truly into. Even if a relative dies. When my ex lost his mum his ex was the only person he wanted to talk to. He looked so forward to her face book messages.
spiderowl Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Is he already married? What do you know about his life away from you? Assuming he's not already attached (and would you really want someone you think is sleeping around?), backing off even more might wake him up a bit. While he thinks he's got you on a string and as casual as he likes, he can continue on that railtrack.
Leigh 87 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Precisely. Not chasing a man may make him intrigued but that will not make him fall inlove with you or want to commit to you if he genuinely doesn't feel that way about you. The advice which makes it seem like "stop chasing" will mean he'll commit is not true. Likewise, I've had that experience of a man seemingly wanting me more when I held him at arm's length but that did not change his unwillingness to commit to a real relationship. A man who wants to be with you in a real relationship needs no prompting and it's not about chasing or not chasing. The reason you're chasing is precisely because he DOES NOT want the commitment...hello. If he did, it wouldn't be a chase or at least he'd be pursuing you...and he isn't and you're chasing, meaning he doesn't want it. Yep. I worked out daily, I once had a killer body. . I was "skinny" yet curvy. I got braces and had nice teeth as a result. I didn't appear too available. I had clear skin and took very good care of myself. Yet my ex still didn't want to label things or commit until i forced him to. Refusing to see him until i was his gf.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 But you're still with him. In fact, you said you're on and off, so you keep going back to him. I see that for you it's better to have someone to have sleepovers with, be affectionate with, and gripe about to friends, then be alone and single in this big, cold city that is NYC. You even think he sleeps around, but that doesn't matter to you, because he is a warm, affectionate body, and you are comfortable with the minimum amount of investment he is giving you. He told me he doesn't sleep around I just not so quick to believe it, but I got your point.
mortensorchid Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Men commit when they get a constant supply of blow jobs and sandwiches. Agreed. But you left out something else : You have to be a trashy bad girl in order for the man to commit. Know how many times I have been dumped or thrown over for a trash woman? Ones who are high school drop outs, have kids, throw temper tantrums and scream when they are not the center of attention, even been to jail? Women are not the only ones who go for Bad Boys, men go for Bad Girls as well. I am convinced completely that men will choose the lesser quality of woman EVERY TIME. 1
Woggle Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Quality when it comes to women and men is subjective. What one man considers quality another one won't and vice versa.
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