1 year & 3 months down the drain.

[Mistercash]

Sup guys. I've been lurking on this forum for a few weeks now and decided to join. I lost my girlfriend and I just want to hear your opinions.

 

Me and my girlfriend were together for a year & 3 months. It was the longest relationship for each of us. During this time we had grown so close to each. She is 22 and I am 27. She was good to me and I was definitely good to her. I treated her better than all of my previous girlfriends and she was the best girlfriend I've had so far.

 

Overall our relationship was great. She didn't have any family here so I welcomed her to mine. She liked my family and how strong our bond was and my family liked her too. We spent a lot of time together and had plenty of fun. She always told me about the things that she never did so I did as much of those things as I could with her. We were always acting silly, playful and goofy with each other.

 

We were very loving and affectionate towards each other. I know I was. I was always touching her, grabbing her, smacking her on her ass and kissing on her. She had the softest cheeks. She started to get annoyed because I would always kiss and pinch on her cheeks....hahaha. I always told her how perfect her skin was. I had all types of sweet names for her. I made her feel good, comfort and loved.

 

As with all relationships, we had our issues. I had the "don't care" issues and she had the "attitude & temper" issues. But through it all, we never stayed mad at each for long. After each argument, we always talked face to face or over the phone and were back good. She liked how if we had an argument, I'd come over and talk to her. She said no one ever did that with her.

 

As time went on she told me that she would be moving back to her hometown (4 hours way) after she graduated from cc. She had quit her job a couple months prior and her lease was up the same month. Things between us started to go downhill and it got closer and closer to her departure. We started arguing more and it felt as if we were both giving up on us.

 

We talked many times about her moving away and she felt as if I didn't care. I told her that I didn't want her to move away but I also told her that she has to do whats best for her. It also didn't help that I would sometimes say stupid **** like long distance relationship don't work and crap. I couldn't see it actually happening but that time came.

 

We broke up on May 3 on her graduation day. I picked an argument with her because she didn't call me back that previous night and it spiraled out of control. I went to her graduation but I didn't go with her and her family out to dinner. I told her to spend that time with her family. She got mad and told me I was full of ****. After a bunch of text back and forth, she ended it. "I been done so were done. Bye." We were still texting and I told her that I wanted to talk so I went over her house that night and we talked for a long while.

 

I went over her house and kicked it with her the next day. She was going home for a week and wanted to see me but little did I know that would be my last time seeing her. While she was home she started to get more distant. No more good morning & night texts. She hit me many times with "I'll call you back" and never did.

 

She told me that she loved & respected me too much to lose me and wanted to be friends. I told her that I didn't want that and if she couldn't be my girl I didn't want it at all. I gave her my best wishes. After thinking all night I realized my feelings were too strong for her, I went back on my word. The next day I told her exactly how I felt and that I wanted us and not friends. Didn't work.

 

I then found out that another guy is in the picture. Found this out on Facebook. Looks like this guy's been in the picture for a minute and possibly while we were together. He's much older and turning 39 this year. This is odd because she always said she would never date someone that much older than her. I'm seeing her posting kissy faces on his page & liking all his statuses and he liking all her posts too.

 

When I saw this it felt like 1000 razor blades were slicing & dicing through my heart. I asked her who is this guy and if thats her "new boo". She never admitted to anything and said its just somebody that likes her. But, I know bull**** when I see it and hear it.

 

I didn't talk to her for a couple days after that. She then unfriended me on Facebook. I blocked her and the guy. She called me a few hours later and I didn't answer nor returned the call.

 

The next day she texted some pic message with a quote with a message from her saying "have a nice life. ur smart u will do well". I responded 4 hours later with my best wishes.

 

With all this going on, I thought she hated me. So I called her a couple days later and told her that I didn't want it to be any bad blood between us. She said that she still loved me and that she will always be a my (sweet name I gave her). She told me that she had came and got the rest of her stuff. I told her that that was ****ed up because I wanted to see her one last time. But, I didn't get that.

 

During our talks about here moving back home, she said it was only going to be for a few months because she misses her family. She said she was coming back but all of that quickly went out the window.

 

She called a couple times to see how I'm doing but I havent talked to her since May 23. I haven't called or texted. She hasn't called or texted.

 

I wasn't perfect and I know I could have done better but I never thought that she would do that to me. I was really good to her.

 

What I don't like is how it seems like she is on top, back with her family, has someone already and isn't thinking about me, while I'm left feeling the bull****.

 

Its been a month since I seen her and I think about her nonstop each day. Too nervous to even call her now. Doesn't feel comfortable anymore.

 

 

Theres more to it but thats it in a nutshell.

Edited June 3, 2014 by Mistercash

[daisydook]

This reminds me of the song Breakeven. I am so sorry you're going through this pain. It really does suck when someone moves on, seemingly right under your nose.

 

 

I think having NC and unfriending her would be best. She isn't coming back. She is being nice. That's it. She just isn't interested in continuing the relationship and probably doesn't want to be friends either, but wants to let you down easy.

 

 

I will whisper words of wisdom... LET IT BE.

[NC-Thomas]

Im sorry for your, i mean HER loss.

 

I disagree with your title "1 year & 3 months down the drain" --> im sure you have already learned something from this experience which u can use in the future?

 

What I would like you to realize is the tremendous amount of power she currently has on you. By asking her about that 39 year old dude, you are giving her the power you hurt you like hell. You did good in removing her on Facebook, you took control over the situation, that gave you more power.

 

Take the lead, go full NC, and dont take her back unless she admits making a huge mistake and _really_ wants to reconcile. She decided that your no longer going to be part of her life. Give her what she wants, make her realize that she LOST you.

 

And last but not least, please don't fall for the breadcrumb things, i did, i dropped out of NC and it ****ed me hard. I took a risk, but I went back to day one, and it hurt like hell (2 year RS).

 

Accept the situation and good luck man!

[Mistercash]

I am much better now than when all of this happened. It's been 3 weeks now since we talked. Neither of us has made an effort to contact each other during this time.

 

I have my flaws but I realized that she fell out of love for me for the same reasons she fell in love with me. I am nonchalant, cool, reserved & quiet mannered. Over time, she took my natural personality as me not giving a **** when I did. Of course, I opened up to her as I felt more comfortable with her but I was the same when she met me and the same when she left. She always said, "you aint gonna never change."

 

She started to believe I didn't love her like she loved me. She wanted me to voice that I loved her more but I didn't. I always showed her my love but that wasn't enough for her. I told her that I was raised on showing our love rather than telling. She didn't understand it. I always told her that if I didn't love her, she wouldn't be getting half of the attention & time that I was giving her. She did things with me & my family that her family doesn't even do. Her family doesn't even get along that well.

 

Our communication started to suffer which is what I think led to our demise.

 

Although I fell better, it still feels bad to know that she doesn't want me in her life anymore and doesn't care about me. I still think about her nonstop.

 

I am at a point where some of me still wants her back but most of me doesn't. I just want to have that "**** it" point like I had with all my other relationships. That hasn't happened yet for her.

 

Since the breakup, I've been in the gym 5 days per week. Its been a month. Finally aiming to reach my goal of packing on 25lbs of muscle.

Edited June 12, 2014 by Mistercash

[Chi townD]

When I first started to read your post and I got half way through it, I thought, "Well, this stuff happens all the time in military families." The thing is, you and her knew that she was going away. So, the closer the date got the more fights happen. Happens a lot in military families before a big deployment. They start fighting a lot and when it's time to leave, it makes it easier to say goodbye because they were getting on each others nerves a lot. So, same thing applies.

 

 

 

BUT! Then I read further. Her flirting with this other dude kind of reminded me that she knew she wasn't coming back and was actively looking for your replacement. Dude, I think you need to write this one off.

[Michael 93]

Hey man I'm interested to know where you are at with this one..

 

Have you not spoke at all since the split? How are you feeling? Has she tried to contact you?

[Mistercash]

She just called me. I didn't answer. I'm sitting here laughing.

 

The reason I didn't answer? The past few times she called before NC, was just her calling to check in on me. Calls probably lasted about 30 seconds or less. I'm not trying to hear that.

 

It's been a little over 3 weeks of NC.

 

What are your opinions?

Edited June 16, 2014 by Mistercash

[PhillyConnection23]

She just called me. I didn't answer. I'm sitting here laughing.

 

The reason I didn't answer? The past few times she called before NC, was just her calling to check in on me. Calls probably lasted about 30 seconds or less. I'm not trying to hear that.

 

It's been a little over 3 weeks of NC.

 

What are your opinions?

 

3 weeks isn't anything. If there is a chance of you two having an amicable relationship in the future you both need more time to cool down and grow.

[Chi townD]

Lets see, she's moving 4 hours away, she's was cheating on you (at least an emotional affair with this 39 y/o guy that's probably went physical by now), you call her on it and she dances around your question stating that he's just a guy who likes her. She wants to be friends because she "Loves and cares" enough about you not to have you in her life. You said "no".

 

 

Dude, she feels guilty and she is desperate to establish a friendship before she leaves town. You are her loose end. I speculate that you're going to get more and more phonecalls and texts as her move date draws closer.

 

 

But, here's the kicker. She knows exactly where you live. Nothing is stopping her from going over there and knocking on your door if you meant that much to her. Nothing is stopping her if what she has to say to you is that important. But, as of now, you only rate a couple of phonecalls and texts.

 

 

That's where you stand with her.

[Mistercash]

Lets see, she's moving 4 hours away, she's was cheating on you (at least an emotional affair with this 39 y/o guy that's probably went physical by now), you call her on it and she dances around your question stating that he's just a guy who likes her. She wants to be friends because she "Loves and cares" enough about you not to have you in her life. You said "no".

 

 

Dude, she feels guilty and she is desperate to establish a friendship before she leaves town. You are her loose end. I speculate that you're going to get more and more phonecalls and texts as her move date draws closer.

 

 

But, here's the kicker. She knows exactly where you live. Nothing is stopping her from going over there and knocking on your door if you meant that much to her. Nothing is stopping her if what she has to say to you is that important. But, as of now, you only rate a couple of phonecalls and texts.

 

 

That's where you stand with her.

She has already moved away. She's been gone since early May.

 

The other guy lives in her hometown so I'm assuming she connected with him during one of her trips back to her city back in April.

 

Obviously, she felt that she could do much better than me by getting an older man. If thats the case, she shouldn't even be calling to see how I'm doing. But, with her calling, its apparent that she still thinks about me.

 

Not sure if she'll call back again. If I am what she wants, she'll let it be known.

[Chi townD]

She has already moved away. She's been gone since early May.

 

The other guy lives in her hometown so I'm assuming she connected with him during one of her trips back to her city back in April.

 

Obviously, she felt that she could do much better than me by getting an older man. If thats the case, she shouldn't even be calling to see how I'm doing. But, with her calling, its apparent that she still thinks about me.

 

Not sure if she'll call back again. If I am what she wants, she'll let it be known.

 

 

 

Has she left any messages?

[Mistercash]

Has she left any messages?

Nope.

 

Her calling caught me by surprise because I thought she was 100%. I had a gut feeling that she would call during NC and she did. I have some other gut feelings with her but only time will prove them right.

 

I didn't answer her call nor did I return it. She already thought that I didn't care that much so with me not answering it may have solidified that in her mind. I'm not sure. I still care about her and I miss her.

 

For now, I think its best I remain a ghost.

Edited June 16, 2014 by Mistercash

[Chi townD]

Nope.

 

Her calling caught me by surprise because I thought she was 100%. I had a gut feeling that she would call during NC and she did. I have some other gut feelings with her but only time will prove them right.

 

I didn't answer her call nor did I return it. For now, I think its best I remain a ghost.

 

 

 

Yep! Good call!

 

 

Look, she wanted you out of her life. Well, she got what she asked for. SO, she shouldn't be upset if you don't answer. This was her choice, not yours.

[Orange floor]

I say battle because reading through all of this its like you two might just be trying to have the last word, or that someone is concerned the other is not trying hard enough even now.

 

When you & she knew she was leaving [4 hours] is that by plane or car or train by plane here = another country that makes it more difficult. Did she just want you to show a little bit more pleading, a lot more commitment.

 

She might be as cut up as you appear to be modern technology and photoshop let you convince people about lots of stuff that just maybe isn't taking place.

 

love is tough but read this from an old guy who has found lost and lost and found love through his life.

 

You know you're in love when you have a reason to come back home, a reason to justify your existence. You'll know you're in love when you can't imagine living without this one person and you’ll do anything to have her by your side. You cannot see love, you cannot feel love, but you can feel a bond when you're around this one person, and you just cannot explain it but it makes you feel special and taken care of and to take care of. Love, my friend, is what makes you want to wake up tomorrow, even though you never want to close your eyes to her”

 

not a definition of being in love but a practical realistic proposition

[Mistercash]

I say battle because reading through all of this its like you two might just be trying to have the last word, or that someone is concerned the other is not trying hard enough even now.

 

When you & she knew she was leaving [4 hours] is that by plane or car or train by plane here = another country that makes it more difficult. Did she just want you to show a little bit more pleading, a lot more commitment.

 

She might be as cut up as you appear to be modern technology and photoshop let you convince people about lots of stuff that just maybe isn't taking place.

 

love is tough but read this from an old guy who has found lost and lost and found love through his life.

 

You know you're in love when you have a reason to come back home, a reason to justify your existence. You'll know you're in love when you can't imagine living without this one person and you’ll do anything to have her by your side. You cannot see love, you cannot feel love, but you can feel a bond when you're around this one person, and you just cannot explain it but it makes you feel special and taken care of and to take care of. Love, my friend, is what makes you want to wake up tomorrow, even though you never want to close your eyes to her”

 

not a definition of being in love but a practical realistic proposition

She's 4 hours away in driving distance. Her main concern with me was communication. At times, I was a stubborn ******* when it came to that.

 

Even after she broke up with me and moved back, I told her that I still wanted us to be together and work it out. She shot it down. Not sure if those were genuine feelings or her just playing hard. I know she still cared because she was in tears during a few of our last talks. She even flat out told me that it didn't feel comfortable with her being moved back.

 

Me and her had a damn good bond. I knew she'd never felt that type of bond before because she'd make gentle remarks about it and I could feel it. My grandma even felt it. She knew we were close.

 

In the past month I've been working on myself and getting better everyday. I know where I screwed up, and I wish I could get a second chance with her to show that I am better. I want to know if what I feel is real or if my mind is just playing tricks on me.

 

With us not being in the same city anymore, it makes any possibilities of reconciliation that much more difficult.

Edited June 16, 2014 by Mistercash

[Michael 93]

Im sorry for your, i mean HER loss.

 

I disagree with your title "1 year & 3 months down the drain" --> im sure you have already learned something from this experience which u can use in the future?

 

What I would like you to realize is the tremendous amount of power she currently has on you. By asking her about that 39 year old dude, you are giving her the power you hurt you like hell. You did good in removing her on Facebook, you took control over the situation, that gave you more power.

 

Take the lead, go full NC, and dont take her back unless she admits making a huge mistake and _really_ wants to reconcile. She decided that your no longer going to be part of her life. Give her what she wants, make her realize that she LOST you.

 

And last but not least, please don't fall for the breadcrumb things, i did, i dropped out of NC and it ****ed me hard. I took a risk, but I went back to day one, and it hurt like hell (2 year RS).

 

Accept the situation and good luck man!

 

 

 

Great advice.

[ktya]

OP

 

It sounds like you had a relationship that had a best before date from the get go. You got attached for long term and she compartmentalized it that you were her "college boyfriend". She went back to her hometown or whatever and there she had her "hometown boyfriend". She probably was seeing the guy when she went back to see her family over the years she was in college. Maybe was her boyfriend when she was in high school and she did the same thing to him and she did to you when she left there.

 

Women around those ages often look at boyfriends like accessories, akin to a nice pair of earrings or a fancy handbag.

 

I think she honestly likes you and will always value and treasure your time together. If I were you I'd lay off the emotional BS with her re-add her to your facebook and call her and say your sorry how your acting you just miss her and hope to see her if she ever comes through town again. You might get some super steamy action out of her if she comes back through town as long as you dont go all needy on her.

 

But... I doubt she has any interest at all in maintaining a long distance relationship with you, commuting between cities or having long sappy phone calls where you are crying about how you miss eachother so much. If you can't handle just having minimal contact with her then have no contact with her.

 

High school girls do this often too, when their parents take them on vacation to some place other than where they live for the summer. They have a "summer boyfriend" that they'll see practically every day and love and then go home and promptly move on to someone else. They treasure the time, the memories, but they have no problem closing the chapter and starting a new one.

 

Take it easy, go out and date other girls, dont get all sappy to her.

[Mistercash]

OP

 

It sounds like you had a relationship that had a best before date from the get go. You got attached for long term and she compartmentalized it that you were her "college boyfriend". She went back to her hometown or whatever and there she had her "hometown boyfriend". She probably was seeing the guy when she went back to see her family over the years she was in college. Maybe was her boyfriend when she was in high school and she did the same thing to him and she did to you when she left there.

 

Women around those ages often look at boyfriends like accessories, akin to a nice pair of earrings or a fancy handbag.

 

I think she honestly likes you and will always value and treasure your time together. If I were you I'd lay off the emotional BS with her re-add her to your facebook and call her and say your sorry how your acting you just miss her and hope to see her if she ever comes through town again. You might get some super steamy action out of her if she comes back through town as long as you dont go all needy on her.

 

But... I doubt she has any interest at all in maintaining a long distance relationship with you, commuting between cities or having long sappy phone calls where you are crying about how you miss eachother so much. If you can't handle just having minimal contact with her then have no contact with her.

 

High school girls do this often too, when their parents take them on vacation to some place other than where they live for the summer. They have a "summer boyfriend" that they'll see practically every day and love and then go home and promptly move on to someone else. They treasure the time, the memories, but they have no problem closing the chapter and starting a new one.

 

Take it easy, go out and date other girls, dont get all sappy to her.

She deleted me as a friend on Facebook so me unblocking her and re-adding her is a big HELL NO. LOL.

 

I called her on Mothers Day and told her I was sorry for any pain that I caused her. Later that that day, I called her and asked about the "new guy". She tip toed around it and blew me off. Few days later is when she deleted me and sent me the have a nice life messages.

 

I called her a few days later because I thought she hated me and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I told her that I wanted to us to be good and she stated the exact opposite of what I thought. She said she still loved me and I will always be her [nickname I gave her]. Later that night she sent me a pic of the teddy bear I bought her on our first Valentines Day together. It was sitting on her bed. She slept with it every night while we were together. I have no idea if she still does now.

 

We shared a close bond together and many fun memories. I hope to experience such a great feeling again in the near future.

[Chi townD]

She deleted me as a friend on Facebook so me unblocking her and re-adding her is a big HELL NO. LOL.

 

I called her on Mothers Day and told her I was sorry for any pain that I caused her. Later that that day, I called her and asked about the "new guy". She tip toed around it and blew me off. Few days later is when she deleted me and sent me the have a nice life messages.

 

I called her a few days later because I thought she hated me and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I told her that I wanted to us to be good and she stated the exact opposite of what I thought. She said she still loved me and I will always be her [nickname I gave her]. Later that night she sent me a pic of the teddy bear I bought her on our first Valentines Day together. It was sitting on her bed. She slept with it every night while we were together. I have no idea if she still does now.

 

We shared a close bond together and many fun memories. I hope to experience such a great feeling again in the near future.

 

 

 

 

Does you no good to reminisce about the good times (i.e. teddy bear) when you're still hurting over her. Just makes you feel worse.

[ktya]

Its all up to you man.

 

Obviously she treasures the time you two spent together, but to her it had a finite expiry date.

 

She is going to be seeing other people and if you arent cool with that and cant leave it alone then you can't really maintain much of a friendship with her. You cant go trolling through her FB pics and interrogating her about other men.

 

If you can't retain a friendship with her then converting her downward from girlfriend to FB when she's in town isnt going to work.

 

Just depends on what you yourself can handle.

[Mistercash]

Its all up to you man.

 

Obviously she treasures the time you two spent together, but to her it had a finite expiry date.

 

She is going to be seeing other people and if you arent cool with that and cant leave it alone then you can't really maintain much of a friendship with her. You cant go trolling through her FB pics and interrogating her about other men.

 

If you can't retain a friendship with her then converting her downward from girlfriend to FB when she's in town isnt going to work.

 

Just depends on what you yourself can handle.

Making her a fwb would ok but that would be later down the line if ever. At this point, she has no reason to come back to visit my city. And, I have no reason to go visit her city. Don't know how that would work.

 

That's why I ignored her call yesterday because I knew it would not lead to anything.

 

I'm just going to let her live her life. My heart is still open to her but it's to her if she wants anything more with me. I just want to move on and get over this.

[Orange floor]

Maybe the ignoring yesterday's call is one way of dealing with it but why does it have to be not taking the call because it will lead to nothing? Why not take the calls and just be pleasant - like friends do, yes it's difficult but you can take higher ground this way and you are making yourself available and approachable. And please note I said take the calls not make the calls that way you cannot be said to be obsessed or harassing. Someone did mention in another post and it does almost remind you of a holiday romance (albeit 15 months long) she might just have thought it like that and wanted someone close for that period. Someone to lean on, someone to fill a void. I could admit to taking a similar advantage when I was sent off to France to school and needed company and a friendly face.

Whilst not turning your back on her fully and being approachable making roads into the future for yourself might help you compartmentalise this relationship as a really useful learning curve. At least you have a template of the kind of person you need to look for. She could have done you a great favour in that sense.

[ktya]

Making her a fwb would ok but that would be later down the line if ever. At this point, she has no reason to come back to visit my city. And, I have no reason to go visit her city. Don't know how that would work.

 

The best way to convert her to FWB is to be a jovial fun guy to talk to on the phone who isnt pining for her or crying about your loss or grilling her about dudes she might be seeing in her town.

 

Just be a good dude to talk to and because of your history you can make a bit of sexual innuendo with her in a joking fashion.

 

Hey if she's only four hours drive away, you never know, maybe she'll feel lonely one night before her period or after a breakup and make the run to spend a weekend with you.

 

But if you want to FWB her you need to fix it up now. If you try it after years the spark will be gone and you'll be friendzoned. Dont ask her straight out. Just have playful phone conversations with innuendo and dont get all needy or sad on her.

[jbelle6]

OP

 

It sounds like you had a relationship that had a best before date from the get go. You got attached for long term and she compartmentalized it that you were her "college boyfriend". She went back to her hometown or whatever and there she had her "hometown boyfriend". She probably was seeing the guy when she went back to see her family over the years she was in college. Maybe was her boyfriend when she was in high school and she did the same thing to him and she did to you when she left there.

 

Women around those ages often look at boyfriends like accessories, akin to a nice pair of earrings or a fancy handbag.

 

I think she honestly likes you and will always value and treasure your time together. If I were you I'd lay off the emotional BS with her re-add her to your facebook and call her and say your sorry how your acting you just miss her and hope to see her if she ever comes through town again. You might get some super steamy action out of her if she comes back through town as long as you dont go all needy on her.

 

But... I doubt she has any interest at all in maintaining a long distance relationship with you, commuting between cities or having long sappy phone calls where you are crying about how you miss eachother so much. If you can't handle just having minimal contact with her then have no contact with her.

 

High school girls do this often too, when their parents take them on vacation to some place other than where they live for the summer. They have a "summer boyfriend" that they'll see practically every day and love and then go home and promptly move on to someone else. They treasure the time, the memories, but they have no problem closing the chapter and starting a new one.

 

Take it easy, go out and date other girls, dont get all sappy to her.

 

 

 

OH HELL-to the no. She deleted him off Facebook. No contact means BLOCKING from Facebook.

 

Why would he call to apologize to someone who cheated on him?

No.

 

I am glad you did not respond to her call OP, carry on. I am at 6 weeks NC, thanks to these boards I went no contact immediately and was able to feel I had some dignity and power, not over him, but over myself and my life and my emotions.

 

And seriously, why would we want someone who literally told us we weren't good enough?

[Mistercash]

The best way to convert her to FWB is to be a jovial fun guy to talk to on the phone who isnt pining for her or crying about your loss or grilling her about dudes she might be seeing in her town.

 

Just be a good dude to talk to and because of your history you can make a bit of sexual innuendo with her in a joking fashion.

 

Hey if she's only four hours drive away, you never know, maybe she'll feel lonely one night before her period or after a breakup and make the run to spend a weekend with you.

 

But if you want to FWB her you need to fix it up now. If you try it after years the spark will be gone and you'll be friendzoned. Dont ask her straight out. Just have playful phone conversations with innuendo and dont get all needy or sad on her.

I am past the relationship phase. The only reason I even asked about the guy is because I thought we were working on us again. But screw all of that now.

 

She was a fun person to be around and I enjoyed her company. I don't want a relationship with her but I am still down for the "benefits".

 

Just being honest, after reading you guys thoughts, I don't know what my next move should be pertaining to her.