sweetandsour Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Hi all, long time lurker, first time poster and have read some great advice from people on here, so thought I'd be brave and post. I have been with my guy for nearly two years, we are absolutely great together, we always talk through any problems and I really thought we had worked through an sorted something that has been bothering me for a while, however it now seems that I might be wrong. He has an ex girlfriend, they finished 6 months before we got together as she wasn't the one for him. I found out about 12 months ago that she had made contact with him and that messages had been going back and forth, not all the time but enough for me to be concerned. It's very obvious she still has feelings for him, he says he doesn't for her, so I told him it made me uncomfortable as she was flirty and he was friendly but calling her a pet name, I explained it wasn't right for him to be doing this as it was leading her on and he understood my point of view. A couple of months later, I found out the messages were still happening, again flirty from her and just friendly from him but no pet names, this time. Again I wasn't happy and spoke to him and said at this point he should not have anymore contact with her, he agreed and said he didn't want anything to upset me and would break contact. Imagine my upset when I see last week that there have been a few more messages, her asking him all sorts of stuff, like doing stuff for him or where stuff is, basically she's trying to keep contact, his responses were friendly but no, he wouldn't help and here's the information you need, however a pet name appeared again from him. So my question is, how do I handle this again, without coming across as a demanding, clingy, girlfriend. I find it totally unacceptable that this is still happening, this girl doesn't know where the line is and for some reason he won't tell her. He truly is a nice guy and doesn't like upsetting people, but doesn't seem to understand at the moment, he cares more about not upsetting her than he does me.
iiiii Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I'd say the fact that he's deceiving you is more important than the fact he's texting the ex. The texting may be perfectly innocent (on his part, anyway), but the fact he'll lie to you to avoid conflict doesn't bode well for your relationship. 4
Author sweetandsour Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 I agree, that's why I came in here to ask for advice on how to handle. Sometimes you need strangers who may it may not have been in the same or similar situations to give you some advice.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) well, the first time you asked him to stop the pet names, he did. The second time you asked him to stop the flirting and he did. so far, he hasnt lied to you. He has done what you asked. Now, she continues to write to ask B.S questions, and you said just a few, yet he is being nice, responds. He doesn't help her out when she asks and he is not initiating the conversation otherwise. The pet name, my guess is, it slipped. But, the fact she continues to write, he should have told you that. I would have told my girl that she was writing and would show her the text so she doesn't find it and think I am lying about whatever is going on. but he probably didn't think it was a big deal because for the most part, he probably thinks he has done what you asked him. the problem is her, not him. Edited June 3, 2014 by DArtagnan2
Author sweetandsour Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 Thanks DArtagnan2, that's why I haven't said anything yet about this new lot of messages, him being a nice guy and responding and the 'slipping' of the pet name, is my problem. He won't have told me because he knows it upsets me and yes I can see why he would take that stance but it does lead me to think that in also not telling me, he's not being upfront and honest. He has done what I've asked so far but he is still responding when we agreed no contact and that's where his apparent need not to hurt her feelings is stronger than hurting mine. In saying something again, I risk being a nag but it really is something that I don't agree with.
Mrin Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Thanks DArtagnan2, that's why I haven't said anything yet about this new lot of messages, him being a nice guy and responding and the 'slipping' of the pet name, is my problem. He won't have told me because he knows it upsets me and yes I can see why he would take that stance but it does lead me to think that in also not telling me, he's not being upfront and honest. He has done what I've asked so far but he is still responding when we agreed no contact and that's where his apparent need not to hurt her feelings is stronger than hurting mine. In saying something again, I risk being a nag but it really is something that I don't agree with. So a few things: 1. How do you know about these messages? Do you dig through his stuff? Does he know that you do? 2. Assuming that's all on the up and up - I wouldn't worry about it. He's just being polite and responding but not engaging or helping. I guess the one thing that I think you would be entirely justified in asking for is a clear declaration that he's in a relationship with someone else. If he hasn't said that to her already, he should. 3. Yes, I do think that your insistence on NC is somewhat clingy and insecure. I know if I were in his shoes my reaction to it would not be good.
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I would like you clarify something. You say you were surprised to find out they were still texting. Why were you surprised? Is it because you did ask him to stop communicating the first and second time? and if you did not ask him to stop then why are you surprised they are still communicating?
Author sweetandsour Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 I didn't snoop no, I wouldn't do that, it's not something I would want anyone to do to me, so wouldn't do it back, the iPad was open as he was using it and I saw them. She knows we are in a relationship as he has told her quite a while ago. I was surprised they were still communicating because I had asked him to stop the second time, the first I only asked him to be aware it was bothering me and I thought not appropriate, I was actually leaving the decision on what to do, to him. I asked him to stop the second time and that's why I'm surprised now as he seemed to understand how I felt about it.
FitChick Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Have you met her? Maybe you should, especially if you look better! It will send the message loud and clear that he is with you.
Author sweetandsour Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 I have met her yes, she seems quite a nice person in the face of it but she's very obviously disrespecting me and the relationship, so possibly can't be that nice.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 i dont like the sound of this and I dont think you do either... there has to be something still there x
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Because this woman is obviously pursuing your boyfriend I think in this context it is right to ask your boyfriend to stop all communication with her. The thing is you already asked your boyfriend and he prioritized her over you. If you let that go without consequences then you're saying it's ok to not take you seriously when you are requesting something, and not something trivial, you requested something vital to your relationship. If I were you my next move would be to tell him he has 2 choices. 1. Be with me 2. continue texting her and get all flattered by her flirting But he cannot have both. Which one will it be? If he picks you there is one condition. He has to send her a message that he will no longer be replying to her communication, good luck good bye. You have to show him right now that you mean business.
todreaminblue Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 what really matters is how it is making you feel, and if he is in the relationship with you and committed the messages need to cease.....i have contact with my exes we dont use pet names but if i were to enter into a relationship with a guy then and that guy was made to feel uncomfortable i would cease contact undertones in messages are often hard to pick up and process.......what seems inoccuous to you may be blindingly obvious to the person texting and the person receiving.....as sexual or intimate even though it is light and appears harmless ....like the mention of a place or thing......invokes a certain memory....subterfuge i call it.......beneath and hidden between airy thoughts......i know subterfuge.....and it isnt obvious at first sight......thats why i have always been able to catch partners out......i tell them exactly where the thought is hidden and they think i have been talking to the sender......they open up........ he needs to stop.......and concentrate on you....subterfuge is easy to interject into placid conversation not so easy to spot...he needs to stop it....plain and simple .....not because it has occurred yet but because it probably will.....pet names....are often subterfuge.....now i have to look up subterfuge...........deb
Author sweetandsour Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 It's making me feel like he's choosing not to hurt her feelings bits it's ok to hurt and disrespect mine, which is not ok. I am quite prepared to give the choice of "it's her or me" and follow through with it, if I have to. I love him very much and we have discussed getting married but I am not prepared to stay with him if he continues to do this. Thank you all for your advice
Spirit1985 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 You've done really well so far, so don't forget to acknowledge that you've done a great job of handling it in a mature fashion up until now. It is abit tricky as you've made your feelings clear. Have you tried asking him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? and its ok to say no sometimes (he can't help everyone). He needs to find the balance between being polite and respecting your feelings and wishes. Right now he is breaking the trust and respect in your relationship which will eventually cause big problems, id imagine. You guys seem like a really good couple and it would be ashame to mess it up because of this. He probably feels he's doing nothing wrong, but if he's ever feeling vunerable and his ex messages him, he might feel he wants to meet up. Definitely try and sit him down again and talk about the trust, respect etc and give him some ultimates. You need to show you're not being unreasonable and you would like to carry on the relationship, but the communication with his ex is not helping things. 1
Standard-Fare Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I understand why you're upset and uncomfortable with this, and your BF was wrong to lie about stopping the communication, but his behavior with his ex doesn't sound terribly "wrong" or threatening. The fact is, this woman is a part of his past, she continues to exist in the world, and they may stay in some form of contact for a long while. While some exes make a clean break and never see/speak to each other again, others can remain lingering on the outskirts of each other's lives. Unfortunately you just have no control over this. If you truly trust a) your BF's emotional and physical fidelity to you, and b) that he no longer has any romantic feelings for the ex, then it's probably best to keep this issue as low drama as possible. Don't let the ex drive a wedge between you two.
Author sweetandsour Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I am totally uncomfortable with it and have told him in a very calm and mature manner, I also asked how he would feel if it was the other way round and he admitted he wouldn't like it. The main problem I have is that we both agreed no contact was the solution and yet it is still continuing, he also hasn't told me it had, that to me is deceitful, if there was nothing to hide, why has he not told me about them.
mercuryshadow Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Having been in your shoes on a few notable occasions in my past, this is the advice I would have given to my younger self: Pull back. He has clearly crossed some boundaries, and it shows lack of respect for you and your relationship. He has hidden his contact with her from you, and that is crossing a MAJOR trust boundary. If you continue with him as before, he is going to learn that this behavior will fly with you. And you'll eventually find yourself in even more of a mess further down the road. So...until it is 100% clear to you that he has ceased contact with her, or until you find out what is really going on, place your relationship on a bit of a "hold". Don't contact him unless he contacts you, don't smother him with a ton of questions, don't offer yourself as you normally would... and when he asks why, give ONE solid and concise explanation, and nothing further. His response/action at that point will give you your answer.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I really don't understand why women even do this whole cycle/process in the first place, the guy is clearly showing his intent and it's created a pattern...not to mention you're not even snooping, so if this is what you're catching with your eyes when he's being obvious about it the potential for what he says in private can be to any extent...in fact because he has this window of opportunity open of communication with her (at least for him) it's easy to slip into that type of conversation and take it to the next level, very easy if not just an obvious given. But here's the patter: - He gets caught - gets a warning - Gets caught again - another warning - Get got agaaaain - another warning Now you dont want to be clingy or neurotic/paranoid by asking him again or putting your foot down but wait a minute...aren't you missing the whole damn point! THE GUY IS CHOOSING TO CONTACT THE GIRL BEHIND HIS BACK! He obviously doesn't care that much about what you think or how you feel about it, sure any guy is going to apologize in his shoes and promise to never do it again when he's caught red-handed...however you keep catching him over and over, so what is his behavior telling you? and then you don't want to "snoop"? do you not want to snoop because you're not a snooper or you're afraid he might be doing a little more than he's telling you? which pretty much 90 percent of men do...tell you one thing and do another, and yes yes every woman who reads that thinks HER MAN is the 10 percent, of course...how convenient..why pay any attention to facts and behavior or anything silly like that when you can believe in whatever you want to which is based off....pretty much only how you feel and think, regardless of how interconnected spiritual and romantically or whatever else you think you have that makes you so "connected" to this person. Look, you don't seem like a dumb girl...but you sure are being naive or what most women call "giving him a chance"...you gave him ONE chance, that was the CHANCE right there, now you caught him another time and another...this is a blatant lack of consideration for his relationship, whether he admits it to himself or you or not...it doesn't really matter what he tells you honestly because obviously whatever he tells you isn't the truth anyway right? right. So based off his behavior...what do you "see"? stop trying to twist and convince yourself that you need to scold or just get him in line for the little perfect two year relationship...most people still don't know jack crap about each other after two years, especially when young...read the marriage forum and you'll see people together for far more than that then everything goes down the toilet "suddenly"...but it's really not so sudden, it's signs and clues like this that people like to sweep under the rug just to continue on this "winning streak" of "perfection" in your relationship...which is really just a joke, because clearly from this example you both lack in communication and lack understanding in what the rules and boundaries are of this relationship...so what HAVE you really been talking about? most people just float on a raft of love on the rivers of fantasy thinking that "oh well, everything is going GREAT so far, this must mean everything is wonderful...oh except for this "little" problem here, which I'm sure I can fix". It doesn't work that way, you sound young and inexperienced, therefore you won't know what the "red flags" are or the problems are before they become big problems, you won't have the insight and understanding to what is going on...you will just naively glaze over everything thinking that it's perfect until it just blows up in your face...then you'll be crying to your friends and everyone else wondering "why wasn't I good enough?"..."what went wrong?" and dumb things like that women think when men are just being idiots screwing around because they don't REALLY know what they want yet but they don't communicate and tell you, they just go "with the flow" and behind your back they dive into little "affairs" like this, testing the waters...not only seeing how far they can get with other women including past relationships, but also to see how far you will bend. IMO this guy made his choice, this is a huge deal IMO from a man's point of view through my experience and knowledge of men, If not walk away then at least have this real heart to heart, honest and genuine conversation of wear the boundaries are and what they are...a conversation which with experience you would hopefully know you should have, although people like to claim that this is all just an unsaid "understanding" you're just bending over waiting for a foot in the *** IMO though...have conversations about REAL things, not just white-picket fence ideals and fantasies, this is a real THING, he needs to show he is dedicated and committed to this relationship ON HIS OWN, not through ultimatums, I see women throw these around with men and it never works...it buys you some time at best, and even when they think they've "won" and successfully tamed the wild stallion from his "bad" behavior, those guys are almost always if not guaranteed to be doing the same crap behind your back, except now you've spilled the beans, they know where you looked and how you found out "last time" they were "messing up" so their little bird brain increases in intelligence and they do things outside of where you luck, and of course you try to re-establish that "trust" with a snap of a finger and his the "reset" button thinking....oh, you can trust him....now, because YOU talked about...riiiight. Do yourself a favor and try not to be typical girl 10000987598754895445987544895715789, recognize what is going on here and whatever you do, whatever you say............MEAN IT. 2
Author sweetandsour Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I am not young, I am not inexperienced and I am also not dumb. I am trying to handle this in a mature manner and if you read the plethora of answers to my post you will see there are different opinions as to my attitude towards this and how I should deal with it as well. I have never given an ultimatum to anyone, ever and I don't really want to do it this time either. All I know is, him doing this is disrespectful when he knows how I feel about it, it's crossing a very clear boundary that was agreed and if I have to end the relationship, I will do. I do deserve better and have I in no way glazed over this situation, but going in straight laying the law down is also not the way to handle this in a grown up manner. If he continues to chose to continue contact with her then he will find himself, no contact with me.
mercuryshadow Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) I am not young, I am not inexperienced and I am also not dumb. I am trying to handle this in a mature manner and if you read the plethora of answers to my post you will see there are different opinions as to my attitude towards this and how I should deal with it as well. I have never given an ultimatum to anyone, ever and I don't really want to do it this time either. All I know is, him doing this is disrespectful when he knows how I feel about it, it's crossing a very clear boundary that was agreed and if I have to end the relationship, I will do. I do deserve better and have I in no way glazed over this situation, but going in straight laying the law down is also not the way to handle this in a grown up manner. If he continues to chose to continue contact with her then he will find himself, no contact with me. That is exactly the kind of conviction you need to have, sweetandsour. Otherwise, he will learn that it's okay to disrespect you and cross boundaries, and he will continue to do it whenever he sees an opportunity where his needs/wants could potentially be met, even if it means crossing the line (in which case, he'll just hide it from you). That's a really crappy deal for you, sweet. Don't take it. Edited June 4, 2014 by mercuryshadow 1
Author sweetandsour Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 I have no intention of taking it and I will walk away, with my head held high. Thanks one and all for the replies, I will let you all know the outcome. 2
Leeway Harris Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I am quite prepared to give the choice of "it's her or me" and follow through with it, if I have to. I love him very much and we have discussed getting married but I am not prepared to stay with him if he continues to do this Keep in mind if he chooses not to give in to your ultimatum, and you end up breaking up over it, it's not necessarily him "choosing her over you". It could be a situation where he's just uncomfortable giving you control over this aspect of his life. He might think "if it's this now, what will it be next?" I'll be honest, that's what I would think. But I'm the type who would never ask a woman for veto power over who she associates with, and I wouldn't be with a woman who asks that of me. A long time ago, a girlfriend demanded I cease contact with an ex, even though there was nothing going on. I gave in. The girlfriend and I eventually broke up, and much later I re-established the friendship with the old ex. We're still friends (still nothing going on) and the girlfriend and I have no relationship at all. I came to regret kicking this woman out of my life because of the insecurities of a girlfriend who's not even a friend anymore. I promised myself I'd never do it again. My friends are my friends, deal with it or go find somebody else. That's just how I feel. Anyway, good luck, I know it's a tough situation and I hope it turns out well for all involved.
Mrin Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Damn. LS never ceases to surprise me. We take a situation where a guy is answering some questions from an ex and somehow blow it up into a dump him now the guy is human filth or issue multi-part ultimatums crisis where we basically get the OP ready to walk away from a guy she cares about. Have to ask ourselves: are we doing any good here?
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I think this is not the typical 'I don't want you to be in contact with your exs'. His ex is openly flirting with him while knowing he is in a relationship. She disrespects their relationship and he is not telling her it's inappropriate. That is the unacceptable part of the story. I am in a relationship, one of my ex says hello once in a while, how's the kid how's the job blahblah. When I met my bf I told him it's ok to say hello to me but no flirting and no sweet names, you have to respect the fact I am in a relationship. It was simple and clear and he was more than fine with it. 1
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