Author Lizie29 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Well, now it's time to turn this into a positive. These are things that you can now control. All is not lost because you can still recover from this. Now, imagine being married to, kids in tow and nowhere else to go? A relationship never gives you any guarantees. It's a risk. Everytime you place your heart and soul in another person's hands, you risk being disappointed and hurt. You lost material things in the process, and you can get that back. You lost yourself emotionally and mentally in the process, and you can also get that back. You have to try and stop dwelling on what has happened and one of the ways to do that is take responsibility for allowing yourself to be in a situation that you knew was detrimental to you for so long. Once you stop focusing on him, and start focusing on your part in this, the sooner you can accept that it's done and the only thing to do is to move forward. I am sure there were other instances as well but again, you have to question your own part in this because you too are accountable for damaging your wellbeing. It's called manipulation. Have you blocked him? I have a feeling you haven't. If so, why haven't you? Thanks again for your reply zahara ! I will be honest no i did not block him on my phone but i will for sure NOT text him the good part of it is that i dont even feel like it and i dont even have fb so even better i guess .. He has been ignoring me since monday and people have told me that he is liking every single status from that other girl on fb . So he must already be in love lol! So im really not afraid of him texting me . It hurts knowing he can move on so fast it's life i guess .
Zahara Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Thanks again for your reply zahara ! I will be honest no i did not block him on my phone but i will for sure NOT text him the good part of it is that i dont even feel like it and i dont even have fb so even better i guess .. He has been ignoring me since monday and people have told me that he is liking every single status from that other girl on fb . So he must already be in love lol! So im really not afraid of him texting me . It hurts knowing he can move on so fast it's life i guess . I don't think you are getting the objective of blocking him. Blocking him stops you from receiving messages -- messages are reminders and triggers that will keep you revisiting hurt and pain. It will keep you stuck. Blocking him helps you move forward and start to heal from this. You haven't blocked him because you still want to be accessible to him and you want to be accessible to what he may say, just in case he contacts. You want to be accessible just in case he contacts and gives you validation then you won't feel so hurt about this other woman. So, deep down, you know that he is going to make contact. If you want to heal, you take the steps to block, whether he's going to make contact or not. If you want to remain this way and still have a lifeline to him, then that is your choice. A bad one. So, ONLY YOU can help yourself. You can get all the advice in the world, but if you are choosing to take steps that negatively impact you versus helping yourself in making a decision that you will no longer be subjected to an abuser, then no one can help you through this until you are ready to release yourself from him. 4
writergal Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Lizie29: Why would you buy a house with someone you only dated for 6 months who has serious anger issues? Yikes! The few people I've known who bought a house with someone they dated briefly had the same outcome - they broke up and then were legally responsible to make house payments until they could find a roommate to take over. And why would you stay with a guy who physically pushed you, lied to you, verbally abused you and cheated on you? Why do you want to stay in touch with him? Look at it this way: at least you can stay with your parents while you rebuild yourself financially and credit-wise. You're only 29 so you have time to realistically get back on your feet again.
Author Lizie29 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Lizie29: Why would you buy a house with someone you only dated for 6 months who has serious anger issues? Yikes! The few people I've known who bought a house with someone they dated briefly had the same outcome - they broke up and then were legally responsible to make house payments until they could find a roommate to take over. And why would you stay with a guy who physically pushed you, lied to you, verbally abused you and cheated on you? Why do you want to stay in touch with him? Look at it this way: at least you can stay with your parents while you rebuild yourself financially and credit-wise. You're only 29 so you have time to realistically get back on your feet again. When we were dating he was living with me at my condo and dit NOT have anger issues .. If he would of had some at that time never in a millions years would i of moved with him in a house . It all started when we bought the house .. Probably cause it felt more safe for him ? I dont know !! He never cheated on me when we were together. But yes the verbally abuse that he did it alot to a point that in my head i could never find better than him . I know what u mean and i wish i could tell you why i stayed there so long but i have no answer im still searching for them . All i can say is that never again i will tolarate such a abusive man . Thx for taking the time to write to me !!
Author Lizie29 Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 I don't think you are getting the objective of blocking him. Blocking him stops you from receiving messages -- messages are reminders and triggers that will keep you revisiting hurt and pain. It will keep you stuck. Blocking him helps you move forward and start to heal from this. You haven't blocked him because you still want to be accessible to him and you want to be accessible to what he may say, just in case he contacts. You want to be accessible just in case he contacts and gives you validation then you won't feel so hurt about this other woman. So, deep down, you know that he is going to make contact. If you want to heal, you take the steps to block, whether he's going to make contact or not. If you want to remain this way and still have a lifeline to him, then that is your choice. A bad one. So, ONLY YOU can help yourself. You can get all the advice in the world, but if you are choosing to take steps that negatively impact you versus helping yourself in making a decision that you will no longer be subjected to an abuser, then no one can help you through this until you are ready to release yourself from him. Zahara i really wanna say thank you to you . U have no idea what this means to me that u take your personal time to help me through this . Every single words that i read are really sinking in . I will block him cause no i really dont want him back in my life he has done enough harm in my life i just can't take this anymore and if i continue talking to him i will just look so pathetic and that is the last thing i want done it to much already .
Zahara Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Zahara i really wanna say thank you to you . U have no idea what this means to me that u take your personal time to help me through this . Every single words that i read are really sinking in . I will block him cause no i really dont want him back in my life he has done enough harm in my life i just can't take this anymore and if i continue talking to him i will just look so pathetic and that is the last thing i want done it to much already . You're welcome, Lizie. I'm staying with your posts because having experienced abuse in my life, I want you to understand that abuse will have long standing effects in your life if you don't remove yourself from him. Your self-esteem will slowly erode and you will lose your sense of self. You have a chance to rebuild yourself and to heal from this. Take this as a blessing and use it to want better for yourself. You deserve it. You will gain absolutely nothing by being involved with someone like him. I know you know this and I understand it is very hard to detach completely from someone that you love. But you have to because the alternative is detrimental to you. Show him that he has no more control over you. It is now in your hands. 1
Author Lizie29 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 You're welcome, Lizie. I'm staying with your posts because having experienced abuse in my life, I want you to understand that abuse will have long standing effects in your life if you don't remove yourself from him. Your self-esteem will slowly erode and you will lose your sense of self. You have a chance to rebuild yourself and to heal from this. Take this as a blessing and use it to want better for yourself. You deserve it. You will gain absolutely nothing by being involved with someone like him. I know you know this and I understand it is very hard to detach completely from someone that you love. But you have to because the alternative is detrimental to you. Show him that he has no more control over you. It is now in your hands. Today is really hard i saw a friend last night and she told me that the girl is posting status on fb about her and him . I told her that i really dont wanna hear about it . Im so hurt right now .. How can someone move on so fast when he was just texting me last weekend sayinh he was missing me and stuff . I feel so stupid right now cause i dont even feel like i could date just the though of it makes me feel sick to my stomach ! Is it normal that i feel that way ? He broke up not even 3 months ago .
Zahara Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Today is really hard i saw a friend last night and she told me that the girl is posting status on fb about her and him . I told her that i really dont wanna hear about it . Im so hurt right now .. How can someone move on so fast when he was just texting me last weekend sayinh he was missing me and stuff . I feel so stupid right now cause i dont even feel like i could date just the though of it makes me feel sick to my stomach ! Is it normal that i feel that way ? He broke up not even 3 months ago . The first thing you need to do is lay down a boundary with your friends and family -- there is to be no sharing with you as to what the ex is doing with his life, at any point as you move along and heal. Your friend is an idiot. Tell you her to stop snooping, to mind her own business and focus on supporting your with your healing. You make sure you do that. There is no point in blocking him on FB when you have your friends snooping and bringing you information. How can someone move on so fast? Well, it is hard to decipher the actions of someone that emotionally and mentally dysfunctional. Him telling you that he misses you was to control and to get you back to where he wanted you to be and when you didn't fall for it, he went on to something else. Dating is the last thing that you should be thinking about. This is not the time to weigh yourself down with irrelevant thoughts. It is normal that you feel this way. But you also have to counter that by pulling yourself back to reality. 1
Zapbasket Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Wow, Lizie, I'm so sorry for all you have been through. Listen to Zahara; I think she is giving you really spot-on advice. Yours is a clear case of, "Never love anyone more than yourself." The cost to yourself--self-esteem, physical health, the ability to know how you should and want to be treated--if you let this guy into your life will be huge. As Writergal said, you can recover from this relationship and learn how to choose healthier partners, but only if you cut ties now. It's really hard, I know. But someone like your ex cannot love. This next girl? He does not love her. He may have "loved" you, but with his problems that love is "love" like a mud pie is a "pie": it poisons you rather than nourishes you. Let him sort out his problems on his own. As long as he has someone in his life to push around, he'll have no incentive to get help. Feel very sorry for this next woman, and hope she has the strength to walk away before he treats her as badly as he treated you. YOU, meanwhile, need to seek out the companionship of established close friends and family who make you feel happy and safe. Surround yourself with their [real, true, "homemade apple pie"] love in order to recalibrate yourself to what REAL love feels like. Also, are you in counseling? Being in an abusive relationship can really muddle your mind, as someone on your thread already said. Take this time to get real clarity so you won't end up in a relationship like this again. 2
Author Lizie29 Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Wow, Lizie, I'm so sorry for all you have been through. Listen to Zahara; I think she is giving you really spot-on advice. Yours is a clear case of, "Never love anyone more than yourself." The cost to yourself--self-esteem, physical health, the ability to know how you should and want to be treated--if you let this guy into your life will be huge. As Writergal said, you can recover from this relationship and learn how to choose healthier partners, but only if you cut ties now. It's really hard, I know. But someone like your ex cannot love. This next girl? He does not love her. He may have "loved" you, but with his problems that love is "love" like a mud pie is a "pie": it poisons you rather than nourishes you. Let him sort out his problems on his own. As long as he has someone in his life to push around, he'll have no incentive to get help. Feel very sorry for this next woman, and hope she has the strength to walk away before he treats her as badly as he treated you. YOU, meanwhile, need to seek out the companionship of established close friends and family who make you feel happy and safe. Surround yourself with their [real, true, "homemade apple pie"] love in order to recalibrate yourself to what REAL love feels like. Also, are you in counseling? Being in an abusive relationship can really muddle your mind, as someone on your thread already said. Take this time to get real clarity so you won't end up in a relationship like this again. Greencove thx alot ! And yes i really am listening to zahara she has been so wonderfull with all her advices .. I have been doing alot better probably cause im not hearing from him anymore i feel so good about it . But yes i did love him more than i was loving myself and never will that happen again . Now that im alone i do realise it . I was so blind .. But at least i can say that i have learn ALOT !!! And when i think about him and this new girl it does not bother me as much anymore .. It took him 2 weeks to start seeing her and even there he was still texting me . Now i realise how pathetic and how bad he was for me makes me sick . I really am taking my time and it feels amazing to not have to stress over a manipulator anymore .
Author Lizie29 Posted June 13, 2014 Author Posted June 13, 2014 The first thing you need to do is lay down a boundary with your friends and family -- there is to be no sharing with you as to what the ex is doing with his life, at any point as you move along and heal. Your friend is an idiot. Tell you her to stop snooping, to mind her own business and focus on supporting your with your healing. You make sure you do that. There is no point in blocking him on FB when you have your friends snooping and bringing you information. How can someone move on so fast? Well, it is hard to decipher the actions of someone that emotionally and mentally dysfunctional. Him telling you that he misses you was to control and to get you back to where he wanted you to be and when you didn't fall for it, he went on to something else. Dating is the last thing that you should be thinking about. This is not the time to weigh yourself down with irrelevant thoughts. It is normal that you feel this way. But you also have to counter that by pulling yourself back to reality. Today is a bad day ! Last night i was having supper with familly and before i went to bed i went to check my emails like i always do for work and stuff .. In my junk mail a had a email from him saying crazy stuff .. First it was about me having mail at his place about my car and stuff .. So i did replied just with my new adress and postal code for him to send it here cause no way that i wanna see him in person .. Well let me tell you he started accusing me of all kind of stuff and saying that he would send photos of me to people that he had in his phone that im talking about him and his new girl to people saying that she is only a rebound . Oh and he made sure to tell me " she is NOT " so stop saying that to people .. He is acting crazy !
Orange floor Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 they say love is blind but they also say "there is none so blind as they that cannot see" From you OP it is my opinion that you dodged a dangerous bullet. When a man treats you with anger after drinking that is bad. When a man pushes you and makes to harm you physically when sober its totally unacceptable - your own self respect and self worth should tell you that. Love is not a dedication to helping someone resolve their issues with life - love is a happy state were you can abandon all the natural human instincts for the betterment of you and your partners relationship. Too often True Love is interpreted as a love of our home we built together, the things we do together, the companionship we have together, the intimacy we have together but true love is much more than this read up on Robert Sternberg and his vision of true love its difficult to question his findings then you will realise that there is someone out there worth of the love you have to give. I do not wish you good luck, love is not luck - i just wish you love and thoughts 2
Zahara Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Today is a bad day ! Last night i was having supper with familly and before i went to bed i went to check my emails like i always do for work and stuff .. In my junk mail a had a email from him saying crazy stuff .. First it was about me having mail at his place about my car and stuff .. So i did replied just with my new adress and postal code for him to send it here cause no way that i wanna see him in person .. Well let me tell you he started accusing me of all kind of stuff and saying that he would send photos of me to people that he had in his phone that im talking about him and his new girl to people saying that she is only a rebound . Oh and he made sure to tell me " she is NOT " so stop saying that to people .. He is acting crazy ! He's going to do everything and anything to affect you. When he can affect you, it means he's gaining power in controlling you. You did great by just providing him with an address and nothing more. That's probably going to irritate him even more. Manipulators cannot stand it when they cannot get their way. He's going to keep bothering you. DO NOT respond to him. He's doing it to get a reaction from you. YOU now have the power. He can't get anything back from you. He's powerless. Write a list of all the bad things he has done to you. Everytime you get sad and feel melancholy, read the list. It will help remind you of the reality of what you had instead of you romanticizing whatever little good times you had with this nutbag. You're doing amazing Lizie. The fact that you don't want to see him is a huge step in your recovery and healing. Keep posting on here and staying strong. When you feel weak or you want to respond, come here first or go to a friend or family member and have them talk you out of it. 3
AnyaNova Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 He's going to do everything and anything to affect you. When he can affect you, it means he's gaining power in controlling you. You did great by just providing him with an address and nothing more. That's probably going to irritate him even more. Manipulators cannot stand it when they cannot get their way. He's going to keep bothering you. DO NOT respond to him. He's doing it to get a reaction from you. YOU now have the power. He can't get anything back from you. He's powerless. Write a list of all the bad things he has done to you. Everytime you get sad and feel melancholy, read the list. It will help remind you of the reality of what you had instead of you romanticizing whatever little good times you had with this nutbag. You're doing amazing Lizie. The fact that you don't want to see him is a huge step in your recovery and healing. Keep posting on here and staying strong. When you feel weak or you want to respond, come here first or go to a friend or family member and have them talk you out of it. What she said!!! The only thing I'd add, is that given he seems to have shown some abusive tendencies (possibly only when drunk, but still), that I wish you'd found a way to not give him your current address. But what is done is done. I just hope in the future you will think hard about your safety with regards to exes, particularly ones with abusive tendencies. You are doing incredibly well here! And keep working to rebuild your image apart from him. You are not weak or scared as he made you feel when drunk and ranting at you. You are incredibly strong-willed and hold onto that dedication to your life and what you deserve in it. 2
Author Lizie29 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 He's going to do everything and anything to affect you. When he can affect you, it means he's gaining power in controlling you. You did great by just providing him with an address and nothing more. That's probably going to irritate him even more. Manipulators cannot stand it when they cannot get their way. He's going to keep bothering you. DO NOT respond to him. He's doing it to get a reaction from you. YOU now have the power. He can't get anything back from you. He's powerless. Write a list of all the bad things he has done to you. Everytime you get sad and feel melancholy, read the list. It will help remind you of the reality of what you had instead of you romanticizing whatever little good times you had with this nutbag. You're doing amazing Lizie. The fact that you don't want to see him is a huge step in your recovery and healing. Keep posting on here and staying strong. When you feel weak or you want to respond, come here first or go to a friend or family member and have them talk you out of it. Just to give you a little update . I have not heard from him since last week . Last thing he told me was to keep my mouth shut or else he would send pictures of me lol and that he really did like the girl he was with . And after that he said i heard u were seeing someone etc .. And that is when he went crazy telling me he was gona send pictures and started talking to me about that girl . After he was trying on beeing nice and saying that we was human and that he is hurt when people tell him stuff about me . Sorry but he is the one that wrote me an email cause i had mail at his place . When i responded with only my adress and postal code he went crazy like 2 days after . Email me that i was talking trash about him wich im NOT cause i just dont talk about him anymore . Anyways that was last friday and i have not heard from him since so good . And the fact the he thinks im seeing someone wich im not lol but people love to put things worse than they really are . Will maybee push him away for good now . I sure hope so !!!
Orange floor Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 thank you for the update - you sound resolute and like you have found your true strength - you have learned much and this will make for better love relationship selections in the future. I am happy that you are indeed learning that he is beating himself up and what will be worse for him is to realise it does not affect you. Keep moving on and as before you do not need luck you need love and it will come 1
Author Lizie29 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 thank you for the update - you sound resolute and like you have found your true strength - you have learned much and this will make for better love relationship selections in the future. I am happy that you are indeed learning that he is beating himself up and what will be worse for him is to realise it does not affect you. Keep moving on and as before you do not need luck you need love and it will come Thank you ! But i have to say that yes some days are more difficult and that it does affect me but not as much as before so i guess that means im on the good path for recovery ! I just really hope that karma will get to him one day . Cause god that guy sure broke my heart and it was hard for me to see him already with another girl so quick .. That was the worse part i think . I have been NC since last friday and it feels good !
Author Lizie29 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Posted July 4, 2014 Today is a bad day .. Maybee should i say a bad week , i just can't stop thinking. I was doing fine din't feel like talking to him at all and now it all seem different why i dont even know . He has a new gf already .. I just dont understand how he can love someone else that fast .. I can not see myself loving another man that soon my heart is still hurting so for me it would be impossible . I just can't stop thinking that this new girl will be the one that will change him and that with her he will be a good bf .. And that maybee he was just crazy with me but wont be around her? All this is driving me nuts and making me feel so empty . I have been NC for 1 month now .. But there is not a single day that i dont think about him .. Not in a way that i would like to be with him but he is hunting me . I just can't wait for this to be all over
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