CurlyIam Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 What makes me smile is that the hubby here wants to have out of the marriage sex in order to stay in the marriage. In my book, that's a sure way to leave one. What is it that keeps you together with this woman you call your W? The emotional ties. Go and have sex and you'll be sure to get even more emotionally separated from her. Hence, even less motives to stay. On the other hand, if I were right, then all cheating MM would leave their wife. Most of them are not. But they are emotionally distroying all people around. There is no such thing: sex and no hurting. Especially since those having sex aren't married to eachother. Your shot.
Beth Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 There is a huge difference between sex and intimacy. I too think it sounds like depression on her part and having an affair -- even if she tells you to -- is only going to cause a lot more pain for both of you. Talk to her doctor about it -- he might not be able to tell you anything, but you can bring up some things with him and he may have some suggestions. Try to get her to the doctor for a complete check-up, including emotional. She may have some hormone imbalances that are affecting her behavior and attitude. Take the pressure off. If you need to masturbate, do it privately. Try to have some intimate time with her, but make it clear that there is no pressure for it to go further than hand-holding at a movie. Sit close to her on the couch and share a bowl of popcorn while watching a favorite TV show or movie. Initiate laughter, not passion or sex. You both need to relax. Hire a baby-sitter and just go to dinner and a movie and when you come home tell her you love her and wish her sweet dreams with no suggestion that the evening should end in sex. Do this for a while, don't forget about the doctor, and relax. I know it's been a long time for you, but even with everything you have expressed here, know that it's not the end of your sex life forever. I urge you to get some counseling and help with this for YOU first, if not for the two of you together. Your head is clouded by pain and anxiety and a slowly breaking heart and I'll wager that hers is too. Taking a first positive step forward will help. Don't expect immediate results -- this has probably been building in her for a very long time and it may well take a long time to recover. Patience is important.
SoleMate Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 Immoralist, the condescension here appears to be more in your post than anyone else's. There are many possible motivations for a woman to tell her husband to go outside the marriage for sex. Only one of them - full and fair consent - would even be worth the husband taking up on. I consider the motivation of depression to be far more likely, although, of course, none of us knows for sure. It doesn't seem likely that a conventional woman, in a conventional marriage founded on the idea of monogamy, would decide that she's happy with the idea of her H having extramarital sex. To me, it seems to be more an act of desperation. Let's assume that the wife is in full control of her senses and judgment and is so self-possessed that she knows precisely what her emotional reaction will be to her H having extramarital sex. I still think he should make "going outside" a last option. Why? Because, darn it, he is her husband and it is a matter of marital fairness that he should be able to have a marital sex life. Not that he should have it without effort on his part, or at any hour of the day or night. But bottom line, she owes him a serious effort to fix this problem, just like he owes her this, and much more. He shouldn't be pushed out of his marriage into the nasty world of MM/OW r/s. Any MM with an ounce of decency or compassion will feel rotten about hurting his wife, and the almost inevitable pain for the OW as well. WHY should he be pushed into that? That wasn't the deal when he got married. In some ways, it's downright offensive on HER part. It's true that counselling is overrated. Most marriage counselling is ineffective. If surgeons had a similar success rate, nobody would even dare get a routine appendectomy. Immoralist...I'm crossing a line here...hopefully not into ad hominem territory...you are currently in a cold, lonely marriage which I believe you have mentioned is sexless or close to it. You have mentioned how your affair(s) made your marriage even colder. How can you recommend this solution when you have first hand evidence that it does not heal the pain, it in all likelihood increases it? If they both decide that he absolutely must have extramarital sex, and there is not other option, then I would recommend use of a paid sex provider. That way the MM/OW mess is avoided. And the MM can learn how much he enjoys sexual activity unaccompanied by feelings of caring, closeness, etc. The only alternative is to take on a woman with hopes, who will eventually become a lover, who definitely CAN displace his wife. On the Love Bank model, an attractive woman with whom the H shares satisfying sex, closeness, conversation, mutual admiration, etc. will likely fall in love with him, and he with her. Then all three are in a situation that is the amatory equivalent of a small plane flying into a box canyon...
Author nysaxo Posted February 13, 2005 Author Posted February 13, 2005 ok, for those of you who are reading this late, it took loveshack.org forever to allow me to reverify my email and activate my account. So, I am sorry for responding late. I will be responding to each of you shortly.
immoralist Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Immoralist...I'm crossing a line here...hopefully not into ad hominem territory...you are currently in a cold, lonely marriage which I believe you have mentioned is sexless or close to it. You have mentioned how your affair(s) made your marriage even colder. How can you recommend this solution when you have first hand evidence that it does not heal the pain, it in all likelihood increases it? SoleMate, you have crossed the line. If you disagree with my post, challenge the post, not my life. I thought you were better than that. Also, my post was not condescending. It was contrarian. You should grasp the difference. Finally, I've never represented that my marriage was sexless. You're possibly projecting. With these acerbic comments I take my leave. Peace.
harleygirl92156 Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 She already has no self esteem, if you cheat that could put her over the edge. First, RUN don't walk getting her to a counselor. She needs help and if you love her you will work with her to get that help, not go out and cheat. You going out and cheating or even thinking about it is selfish. She needs you and she needs your support. She isn't being selfish, she is ill and your first concern should be her mental health, not your sexual satisfaction. If you MUST cheat, go to a hooker so there is no emotional involvement and MAKE DAMN SURE she can never find out. Then it is your guilt you must carry for cheating and not something that will be dumped on her. I DON'T RECOMMEND IT, but I know how men are. Also, if you cheat and get a sexually transmitted disease then what about your daughter. Remember, AIDS KILLS!!!!
TMCM Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 While you can always make selfish demmands and issue ultimatums to your W, the problem is that they seldom work and usually they make the situation worse. If your W refuses to address this as a marital problem and says it is your problem, then consider divorcing her. The reason I say this is because while it may be true that depression may be at the root of your sexless marriage, a spouse who refuses to see sex in a marriage as a very important part of it, is being extremely selfish and cruel to his/her spouse. Furthermore, don't discount the possibility of infidelity in your marriage for an affair is many times THE way of self medicating depression for many unfaithful spouses. Now I truly hope I'm dead wrong about this but you must be vigilant for signs from your W that indicate that there may be another man in her life. But in any case, a sexless marriage is like a life sentence of celibacy, and unless you are happy to face this prospect, I'd suggest that you calmly, respectfully, and quietly convey to her that unless BOTH of you address and resolve this extremely important marital issue, that eventually you will lose all love for her and that you will opt for divorce. You are her H, NOT her brother. TMCM
Recommended Posts