SOS - Girlfriend cheated and I begged for her back

[JF7]

Hi guys,

 

Where to start. This is a LONG story so please bare with me. So, I am a 30 year old guy, and recently my world collapsed.

 

Let me set the scene: I have always had a lot of attention from the opposite sex, I have a good job and earn good money, nice house, nice car, outgoing guy, VERY confident. I am what you may call eligible. I don't say this with arrogance.

 

My elder sister said to me 2 days ago, her and her husband have always admired me so much, looked up to me, seen me as this inspirationally strong, driven, confident, charismatic guy, who now is like a naked, fur-less mole-rat rolling around on the floor in devastation. How have I become this?

 

My girlfriend and I met in November 2012, and we instantly smitten. I had come out of a horrible marriage, had been playing the field for 8 months, had kinda given up on love, then we found each other and our souls just instantly magnetised. We did EVERYTHING together, i have had maybe 5-7 relationships, and been happy at ending every single one, and none of them have ever matched up to this. Instantly we started loads of little ''in-jokes'', spoilt each other, were just madly in love and both spoke about this being it, we knew we'd be together forever. 2 weeks after we met, my Mum died in the most horrific way, and I didn't even properly grieve for it, as I was on such a high with the new relationship, and my girlfriend was a total rock. Through last year I also went through a messy divorce and was put thru the wringer, yet it didnt upset me as I had my soulmate pulling me thru. Nothing else mattered. I had to beg her to have Tuesday and Thursday evenings apart from me, she needed my company more than I did hers.

 

Then, as the year went on, she left her job as a flight attendant, she'd had since she was 20 (now 27), to work in the ''real-world'', I found a job for her at a friends company, and instantly she struggled with adjusting to earning a good deal less money, long hours every day, pressure, and then had to face up to £25k worth of debt she had run up. Through it all I supported her, but she became more and more distant and down. My reaction was tough love, to try and give her a kick and realise this is what the real world is like. She didnt take to that well. Through it all though, she loved me so much, I am not delusional, I know that, we were so madly in love. I took her on a holiday of a lifetime to Disneyland, it was amazing. Then it happened.

 

In December 2013, my divorce got finalised, and my GF took that as a green light that I would be commting to her, asking her to move in, and I just said I wanted a few weeks of clear time to get used to being divorced - she took that terribly, like I didn't love her. At this same time, she changed her FB status to in a relationship, this was a big thing for her and I had always said no due to the divorce, yet even after it was done, I still said I didn't see it as important. I didnt change mine. 7 days later, she went back to a guy from where she works house, and made out with him for the night. No sex, just kissing and cuddling etc.

 

I was heart broken, I tried to finish with her, she wouldnt let me, she begged me to forgive her and swore blind that she would make so so much effort to make it right, so eventually I agreed to give it another go. Mainly as she was a mess, lost weight, hated herself for what she had done.

 

The next few months were tough. Where she was so bogged down in her issues, she was unable to make any effort. She became withdrawn, constantly saying she wasnt good enough for me, I could do so much better etc. I started to become more and more disinterested, wanting more time apart, I started questioning how she was being so selfish not making me better, after what she had put me thru. How could she be so focussed on her - I am the one who got cheated on, and through it all, I was really trying to help her with her problems, but often it would get too much, and I would say these things to her, she would then go more withdrawn. Vicious circle.

 

We were still very much in love, doing everything together, so so tender and close with each other, but I had had enough, and I had told my friends for a while that I wasnt really bothered any more, so we agreed to go on a break, which she was very sad about. I was ok, relieved actually, but still knew we loved each other so much, KNEW it. Then again, it hit.

 

I found out a week later, that even though she had been messaging me through the whole week with how much she loved me and craved me and we needed to work it out, she had started spending time with the same guy again. She handed me her phone after I found out (I forced it out of her as I knew something was wrong), and I had to sit and read the worst things I have ever seen in my life. Sexually charged texts, talking about how they cant resist each other and how they love spending time together, and how much they wanna f*ck. It was like a cannon ball to the stomach. I was broken, I went in to shock. How the hell could i have misjudged my soulmate so so badly?!

 

Then I made the biggest mistake I could have made. After spending a day sending her hate filled angry texts, I decided to commit to her. I offered her the world, to pay her debts off, to buy us a new house, I thought the shock had awakened dormant love that had been buried. SHe said she needed time to think about it as her head was all over the place. This was too much to bear, I went in to a 2 week panic attack, we carried on seeing each other, and I was emotionally bombarding her in my panic, begging her to see a doctor for her depression, begging for reassurance that she loved me, clinging to her, spending all day pining for her, spending most nights together, I NEEDED her.

 

She began to withdraw, I applied more pressure, I wanted reassurance, she gave it half heartedly. I found out she had still been messaging him, I tried to kick her out and she broke down, she begged me not to, that she needed me. The next week was amazing, we were so in love again, she told everyone she was on the up with me, we had amazing sex. Then I found out drunkenly she had messaged him again, I tried again to kick her out, and this time, she was cold, she agreed. Then she broke up with me. She told me it was too hard, it was too much for her. I crumbled again, I begged from the bottom of my heart for her to stay with me, that our love couldnt just be lost. She said she knew it was a mistake, that she loves me more than anything, that what we had was more special than anything. When we broke we spent 3 hours cuddling, clinging to each other, saying how we will never find this with anyone else. Then we were over.

 

FOr the next week we spoke every day, I turned up at her house a couple times as I was no longer a mess, I wanted her to see the old me, back to my strong self. I was unable to win the fiight, I fought with all my heart for her, something she said she always dreamed of. She hated that I had girls writing me on facebook, she got upset that she missed the old us, she was mentally torturing me, but she was still cold. I was emotionally wrecked, she was fine, absolutely fine, she couldn't feel anything.

 

We still speak every day, the last 2 nights we have spoken from 9 - 11.30, then 2 - 3, thru the night. She needs comfort and I feel the need to provide it. I know I am doing the wrong thing, I know i need to cut contact, I just cant leave it. I am a fighter, I have never given up on anything worth fighting for, and I know in my heart that this is worth it. I told her I forgive what she has done. I just can't leave it alone.

 

I wake up every morning and cry, I cant concentrate on anything, I just want her. I went to her house this morning and laid with her and cuddled her, kissed her, told her I am moving on but she will be ok. She said I can do so so much better than her, that I will be fine as I have so many girls messaging me etc. I dont want anyone else.

 

I have been convinced that due to facing up to her issues and the real world, she emotionally became numb to our relationship, she had every common sign of depression, and I made it worse by telling her this constantly for that 2 week period.

 

I am in shock at how weak and desperate I have been, I am usually so strong and rational. I believe my pain is the dawning of the real grief for my mum, the grief for my divorce, and the grief that, even though this girl has cheated with others in the past, I had misjudged her so severely.

 

Please guys/girls, some rationality would be massively appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time. x

[LazyTee]

I have read you're story and I can feel how emotionally/ mentally dedicated you were/ or still are to this lady.

 

I've have been in some-what the same situation you were in, I got the whole 'You can find someone so much better then me' malarky and to be honest all you can think about after is 'I don't care about other girls, I only want you' and that's where you think of all the big&little things that you guys have done together which made you lot click so well. Believe me I've been through this.

 

Let me tell you my diagnosis she is only saying this because she has someone already to fall back on so its easy for her to say what she has said. She's somewhat cloudy by her judgement because her wolds are half hearted and you realised this, but why? because she would put 50% thoughts into you and 50% into the other guy or whatever the percentage may be the point is she isn't putting all of her thoughts and plans into you. So she lets you go softly.

 

 

For me this also happen but guess what? I'm 3 months after my rocky breakup and I feel fantastic again not 100% but nearly. So, let me give you a quick backstory of what has happen to me.

 

Ex broke up with me because I was getting jealous of a guy who lives downstairs (we live in a student accommodation) at the fact she was spending too much time with him alone and other major points she has made. A day after she sleeps with the guy which was also my friend. After all this why couldn't I drop her out like normal people would? because I loved her a lot. She pleaded as yours did to make things up to me, she somewhat did. But now here is the thing.

 

She reassured that the decision she made was firm and that what you're ex said she said too. I was like okay fine, i'd rather have her in my life as someone then completely out of it because I do so enjoy her company.

 

It took me about 2 weeks to get myself back onto the market and even then I still thought of her everyday even when Im with such stunning hot girls.

 

But time dulls our feelings towards that person and it sure did, I moved on I went out I did tons of things that was so fun. She now looks at me with those 'fox eyes' and she twirls her hair when we talk, she laughs at everything I say. Bottom line she wants me back even after she is still with the guy she slept with.

 

For me I have made my decision to save me the future heartache with being back together with this girl and appreciate our friendship we have now.

 

My mum told me this, if someone put time and effort into thinking that they will breakup with someone then I'm sure they're state of mind is firm in knowing what they're about to lose. Why throw away a perfectly good fruit? unless they're is one that is just much riper.

[No Limit]

No offense but you two are broken up, cease contact to zero.

 

And no matter how often you write "no really, we were both that much in love" it's quite obvious you were more committed than her the entire time. She's toxic and even if she feels some remorse her actions speak for themselves. She's all but good for you, and just because you have those nice memories you're now deceiving yourself by believing she is it. But she's not.

[umirano]

I don't see how this clusterfnck can be redeemed. Put distance between you and that toxic woman. You need to calm down, step back, touch ground and heal. You can't do that while she's anywhere close.

 

I've been there, I know what you mean when you talk about magnetised, inside jokes, etc. Look, for whatever reason she doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she does in a year or so. But you got to ask yourself how much hurt your willing to swallow for a woman? Even if she's a good fnck and whatnot. You have a responsibility to your friends and family. How can you take that responsibility when you're being reduced to a wailing begging worm out of his mind in the sand?

 

The fact that you came on here to post that horrible story tells me that there's a spark of resistance in your body. That's where you're going brother, and it's good. Don't fool yourself, she has no respect whatsoever for you. She uses you, and you let her. Stop. Now.

 

Cut her off and take care of yourself. Paying off her debt? Are you kidding me? What has this woman ever done for you? Good sex? Invest the amount of her debt into a good hooker. They fnck well too. Jokes? You have a hard time believing this right now, because you have her on a pedestal, but believe me, there are tons of fun witty sexy women out there, who will easily treat you better than this witch ever did.

 

good luck!

[JF7]

Thanks for the replies guys, i appreciate it. I am struggling. I have been on a couple of dates with some great girls, but its very early so I am probably not in the right mindset. I just cannot shake these feelings and I am usually so strong and able to control my feelings. How do I refrain from contact?!

[KaliLove]

This sounds more like dependency than love. She was there for you during some extraordinarily rough times very early into your relationship and so you came to see her as your rock..but then your rock turned into a human being (and not a very nice one..I have no tolerance for cheaters, especially people who cheat over and over and over again).

 

The logical part of your brain knows that she's not good for you and that she'll continue to cheat on you but the emotional part is still clinging to the honeymoon phase of the relationship when she was so loving and caring and, most importantly, stable.

 

You need to get yourself a bull whip and crack it at the emotional part of your brain. This girl CHEATED on you, and continued cheating on you after you found out. MULTIPLE times. To be fair to her, she was probably emotionally drained from the beginning of your relationship. I know that's not your fault, I understand that..but supporting someone through two massive and highly emotional events like the death of a parent (I'm so sorry by the way) and a nasty divorce is VERY trying.

 

I honestly don't think there's any coming back from this mess. It's time to call it. You need to delete her contact information from your phone so you're not tempted and go complete NC.

 

I would also recommend therapy. You've been through a lot of trauma recently..it would really help.

[mirage12]

Thanks for the replies guys, i appreciate it. I am struggling. I have been on a couple of dates with some great girls, but its very early so I am probably not in the right mindset. I just cannot shake these feelings and I am usually so strong and able to control my feelings. How do I refrain from contact?!

 

It doesn't sound like this is your first heartbreak and so you probably already know that it's different for everyone but the advice is always the same. Go to the gym more/be active. Get a new hobby. Start to focus more on your career. Learn something new. Spend more time with friends/family. Plan/go on a vacation. Change your routine. Keep yourself busy, and the busier you are the less time you'll have in the day to spend thinking about contacting her.

[stillfiguringitallou]

First step is acknowledging she CHEATED ON YOU.

 

ergo - this is not worth fighting for.

 

ergo - you should let it go.

[lovehurtsme91]

Thanks for the replies guys, i appreciate it. I am struggling. I have been on a couple of dates with some great girls, but its very early so I am probably not in the right mindset. I just cannot shake these feelings and I am usually so strong and able to control my feelings. How do I refrain from contact?!

 

I was cheated on as well and I went out with a guy 2 weeks after. After the date I realize that if you are not ready, don't force it. So maybe you should take time off from dating and just completely heal or at least 90% heal before going out on another date

 

Go NC is the only way to stop. The first week will be tough, you would still try checking their social medias but use all your will power to prevent yourself from doing it

 

And what stillfiguringitallou says, it is important that you acknowledged that she cheated on you.

[JF7]

Thanks so much for all your input. I am usually so strong willed, but I just cannot shake this. We are still talking, it's so fricking confusing! She found out I have been on a couple of dates, and flipped as I wouldnt tell her who with, she deleted me off facebook etc, then apologised later in the day. I cannot work her behaviour out, she keeps saying how lonely she feels and how she just wants interest from guys like I get from girls.......I cannot just go cold turkey.

[KaliLove]

Thanks so much for all your input. I am usually so strong willed, but I just cannot shake this. We are still talking, it's so fricking confusing! She found out I have been on a couple of dates, and flipped as I wouldnt tell her who with, she deleted me off facebook etc, then apologised later in the day. I cannot work her behaviour out, she keeps saying how lonely she feels and how she just wants interest from guys like I get from girls.......I cannot just go cold turkey.

 

Sure you could. You're choosing to continue putting yourself through hell..you're not a victim here, you're a volunteer. Until you choose to help yourself get out of this mess, nothing anyone here says is going to help you.

[lolablue17]

I think she needs other guys attention as a result of - you refusal to commit after your divorce period.

 

She lost confidence, and felt that she must seek for solid ground, while you doesn't provide that ground. So, by having a guy \ guys around her she feels more secure "what if you finally find out that you deserve better". it's like a shelter.

 

She (and i agree with her) doesn't trust your proposal. She's afraid that this proposal was made by you not because of the right reasons.

 

Are you sure she isn't \ (hadn't) sleeping with anyone?

[JF7]

Right, things took a turn lately and I would really appreciate any thoughts.

 

I started seeing a new girl a couple of weeks ago, I thought enough is enough and I am moving on.

 

I went no contact with the ex and after 3 days, she text me asking how I was, I ignored it, she had caught wind of the fact I was back dating a new girl. The following morning I had a barrage of texts and missed calls from the ex overnight. I started talking to her again, and she was saying she missed me, has made a mistake, can't believe I am moving on so fast. She started saying later in the week ''I'm not done'' and ''You'll always have my heart'', ''I will never find what we had with anyone else'' etc, she was going crazy.

 

She started ''sexting'' me Saturday night in the early hours when I was away on a stag party. She was asking me to talk dirty to her, saying she wanted to f&ck me!! It was crazy. Then the next day she was messaging me saying she wishes she hadn't thrown it away, she wishes she had tried harder etc, she was so sorry for what she did.

 

So, this led to me and the ex going to the beach last Tuesday night for a chat, we spent 2 hours laying on the sand, she was saying how she'll never be so at ease with anyone, never find anyone as kind of fun as me etc, saying what a great time we had. We even cuddled and she was touching my face saying how nice it was. When we walked back to our cars, she came and sat in mine with me, and we kissed and listened to romantic music!! I told her I didnt realise how much I missed her.

 

When i drove home, I thought, ****, we can save this.

 

The next day, I text her asking how she felt.....her reply: ''It was nice to clear the air and get closure. I am glad you are happy with someone else, and I can now move on too. It'll be nice to be mates''. I was like, whoa, are you kidding me?!?! She then proceeded to say how I was reading too much into things, and she didn't think I would take it all as her wanting to get back with me!! WHAT THE ACTUAL F@CK!!

 

So, my opinion is this: She saw I was clearly moving on, and panicked, and realised she had lost the control she had gained. She then spent the week reeling me back in, then after our nice night at the beach, saw that she had kinda hooked me again, thus feeling like she had regained control.

 

I have since messaged her saying ''Look, I am tired of your childish games, regardless what you say now, you knew exactly what you were doing last week, you reeled me back in. Well, forget about it, I am now going to 100% move on in a new direction and when you realise, and admit to yourself the mistake you have made, I will be long gone and it'll be too late. I can't believe I have been such a fool to misjudge you so much. Take care''. She responded with ''I don't know why you care, YOU are the one who has moved on remember''.

 

i GENUINELY DON'T THINK SHE IS purposely PLAYING GAMES WITH ME.

 

Would really appreciate everyone's thoughts as to whether this is her playing a game, or she actually realises she made a mistake?

 

Thanks.

[David87]

Guy do you have any idea what NC means ?????? Don't talk to your EX period.

 

 

She saw I was clearly moving on, and panicked, and realised she had lost the control she had gained. She then spent the week reeling me back in, then after our nice night at the beach, saw that she had kinda hooked me again, thus feeling like she had regained control. Shes in control again, and she was jealous cuz you found a new girl to date.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

When are YOU going to stop falling into the same hole? She is toxic, you are addicted to her toxicity.

 

Have you found YOUR bottom yet?

[Poppygoodwill]

So much drama.

 

Just stop the merry go round.

 

Nothing with this much drama - on both sides - can ever be healthy or good.

 

And maybe she doesn't know she playing games with you (though I doubt that) but that is WORSE than knowing she is.

 

If she's consciously messing with you, then you know she's a beotch.

 

If she's unaware that she's messing with you by switching back and forth, pushign you away adn reeling you back in - then she's got some sort of serious mental health issue.

 

Either way: stop talkign to her.

 

If you keep letting yourself get pulled back in, you're just as much at fault as she is.