How do I tell her I'm moving out?

[Karmarsi]

Hello everyone! *bows* I know I'm completely knew here, but I'm coming here and to some other sites to explain my situation and ask for help from you all, if that's okay.

 

Let's start blunt... I'm going to be moving in with my fiance at the end of this month / early next month. This is a very important step for us on the grounds that this is a long-distance relationship. He and I have been dating with very few problems for 9 ( 10 on the 24th of this month ) years, while being engaged for 4. ( Not officially, but he has asked me. He wishes to do it officially once we're moved in. )

We talk everyday at every chance we get and please let me say he is like an angel fallen to bless me. He helps me through my day and brightens up my darkest hours.

We have met on many occasions, and he has even met my Mother. He is always such a gentleman to her and to me and is very respecting.

But the problem is... well.. my Mother.

To start simple I am 22, and yet my mother is so overprotective and controlling ( I believe is the proper word. ). She disapproves of so much in my life, relationship included. she is always on my case for not dating someone in her tastes. She doesn't let me do much of anything, to the point where I have to ask for permission for things and hope she doesn't have a fit. she stresses me out immensely, as does my sibling. Both are verbally abusive to an extent, with my sibling often attacking me. ( She's 14. ) Mother sees no problem with this and even when witnessing everything turns it on me.

She has even denied me to go to colleges with my major and is trying to actively force me into another thing. I'm not allowed to speak to my father either ( I did because I had a breakdown for her and Mother said I was doing... sexual things with him. )

I'm absolutely terrified to tell her I'm moving out. She expects me to live with her forever and care for her ( which I am actively doing. She has no medical condition that greatly limit what she can do. the only condition she has is anxiety but she takes medication. ). She will completely flip if something does not go her way, she will get violent and yell and scream and it's scares me to bits.

I have been sneaking texts to my Father and he is appalled by what he has been hearing, and his advice is to call the cops if things get bad.

I'm just so scared. Mind you, I am excited beyond belief to be with this man I feel so blessed to have love me like he does... but I'm just as scared. It's been eating me up for months and I've been having stress dreams from it, and anxiety from the thoughts and I feel I can't do anything.

How can I tell her, guys?

Edited June 3, 2014 by Karmarsi

[juicygirl]

I think you should move out and live on your own.

 

You need to learn to stand on your own. I'm worried that with the abuse you've suffered you're going to end up in a relationship that mirrors your current home life. This guy may seem great now, but you don't know him. Your dad doesn't sound to great either, as a parent myself, if I heard my daughter was living as you are, I'd go get my girl, I don't care how old she is.

 

Get a job, save your money and then move out. You're 22 you don't need anyone's permission. You don't need to tell your family either. Just find a place or even a flat share and off you go, call them when you've moved out to inform them you no longer live there.

[Karmarsi]

I think you should move out and live on your own.

I actually had been actively job hunting since I turned 18 and graduated high school. Sadly though, no matter how many places I went to, checked up on, and asked about, they all inevitably went "I'm sorry, we're looking for someone with experience."

About a year ago I did stop, giving up. I went to every place I could think of, and sadly didn't get hired. It's a shame.

 

This guy may seem great now, but you don't know him.

Please forgive my bluntness, but this sentence did irk me lightly. I have known him fairly close to 12 years. Talking to him every single day for hours on end, whether it be text, phone call, or seeing each other in real life kind of applies the opposite. I wouldn't be moving in with him if I didn't know him. I wouldn't had said yes to him if I didn't know him. I wouldn't had even began to date him if I didn't know him. I do indeed to know him, on a pretty high level. I even know his family. We talk regularly. And while no, I do not see his family like I see him ( They don't get the chance to come across a couple of states to say hi ), we're fairly close from the phone call and letters and gifts we send.

 

But on the subject of my father - He does try to coax me to move out with him. But he doesn't force it as he knows how stressed I am and knows how my mother can be. ( There's a reason their marriage didn't last a couple years, sadly. ) He does check on me everyday and asks about it often but I can't find myself to do it.

 

 

You don't need to tell your family either. [...] call them when you've moved out to inform them you no longer live there.

I've thought about this as well. But even though she scares me and is mean and rude, I'd feel terrible about just leaving one day and not letting her know what is happening or what is going to happen. She is my mother, and I don't want to hurt her.

[d0nnivain]

I would tell her after it's a done deal . . . after your stuff is out of the house. You don't want a big dramatic physical confrontation while you are literally trying to get your things out. I would also ask your father to be present when you tell her.

 

That said, I fear you are making a bad decision. Have you and your FI ever lived in the same place or has all 10 years of this been an LDR? At 22 you met this guy when you were 12. How much time have you actually spent with him? It's a rare relationship that starts so early & continues though adulthood. If you have never had the chance to conventionally date, I'd try that for a while before you move in together. You need to make sure you are compatible. For you own sanity, I think everyone needs to live on their own for a while rather than moving from a parent directly in with a partner. Without that intermediary step you miss an opportunity to develop your own independence & self reliance, which will help you both when the struggles in any marriage come along.

[juicygirl]

Haha talking for hours a day and living together are not the same thing,but if you feel like you know him and want to move in with no job and no money go ahead.

 

I didn't say you have to hurt your mother, but you are a grown up and if you want to leave home you don't need permission. Tell them the day before, but if you still her now I'm thinking of leaving still try to put you off by either criticising you, guilt tripping you etc. as for the job thing try again, it's been a year even if you have to work at gap, look for jobs in his area as you'll be living there or online, even make your own business anything. How are you going to pay rent or contribute when you move out and what if something goes wrong how will you leave with no money?You don't want to be dependent on this man, his not your dad.

 

Best of luck.

[juicygirl]

Hang on a minute, how old is this guy? You've been talking for 12 years and you're 22?

[Karmarsi]

Hang on a minute, how old is this guy? You've been talking for 12 years and you're 22?

11-12. I just put 12 as it's the higher number in the estimate. I can't say how long for sure as it was an incredibly long time ago. He himself is 25.

Think on it, 12 seems like too much as I didn't get internet until I was 11. So 12 years doesn't sound proper. Let me apologize for that. Sometimes my memory is not the best.

But yes, I have known him for about 11 years. We did begin to date quite young, and in fact I was the one to ask him out, as weird as it sounds. I must say, he's made my day since the day I have met him, however.

[Karmarsi]

Haha talking for hours a day and living together are not the same thing,but if you feel like you know him and want to move in with no job and no money go ahead.

 

I didn't say you have to hurt your mother, but you are a grown up and if you want to leave home you don't need permission. Tell them the day before, but if you still her now I'm thinking of leaving still try to put you off by either criticising you, guilt tripping you etc. as for the job thing try again, it's been a year even if you have to work at gap, look for jobs in his area as you'll be living there or online, even make your own business anything. How are you going to pay rent or contribute when you move out and what if something goes wrong how will you leave with no money?You don't want to be dependent on this man, his not your dad.

 

Best of luck.

Many apologies, I didn't see this comment! It took me right down to your second one. silly me!

While no, living together and talking to each other are not the same thing, you never know how good or how bad things can go until you actually take the chance. All couple go from socializing to living together to find out for sure how well their lives take together, because yes, they are different. You'll be spending most of your days together, and it's something to adapt to. While we feel it won't be a gigantic change as we spend every waking moment together we do know it will be something new. And we're okay with that.

I don't plan to be completely dependent on him, either. I'll be immediately looking for work as soon as I move in with him, and paying what I can when I do so. There are actually a lot more work opportunities where he lives ( as well as available colleges for me to get my Vet Tech career choice going. ), as opposed to the dying country-city I live in. While yes the first week will be showing me around, right after that I'll be running around looking for jobs. Luckily I will be more independent instead of having a chain around my neck from my Mother.

But I do wish to know, when I tell her, and if she goes bonkers what exactly should I do? If I know her proper she will start to have a fit and maybe try to break things. I would assume there's no choice in trying to calm her, and should probably just go to calling the cops?

[pink_sugar]

While it's possible childhood sweethearts can have a lasting relationship, the odds are stacked against you. You can give it a shot living with him now, but give it 3 more years before you decide to actually get married. At 25, you have a clearer vision of what you want out of life. I know I changed my mind drastically about many things until very recently and I am 25 now. Both of you need stable jobs. I can totally sympathize with the not being able to find work due to lack of experience. It's a big problem for recent graduates. Find a way to do an internship or even volunteer in your free time to gain some experience. But give it a shot at managing finances together for awhile and living together. It's much different than just dating. You will learn a lot more about a person than you did before living with them.

[d0nnivain]

Not only are you moving in with your BF, you are changing countries to do it?

 

First, do you have all of the immigration / legal issues handled? Will you have the neccessary documents to work when you get there? If that isn't straightened out already, you are putting the cart before the horse.

 

Fix that first.

 

Again, what stuff do you plan to take? If you are taking furniture, how will that be transported? If you have all these practical considerations addressed, fine but if you don't, this is all backwards.

 

But I do wish to know, when I tell her, and if she goes bonkers what exactly should I do? If I know her proper she will start to have a fit and maybe try to break things. I would assume there's no choice in trying to calm her, and should probably just go to calling the cops?

 

When will your BF be when you talk to your mom? In an ideal world, I would think he should come to you and you two should get engaged before you move. Then with a ring on your finger & dad present & supportive, all of you calmly sit down with mom & tell her your happy news. Then explain you are moving. Be armed with facts about the better opportunities for work & school. Solicit her advice on wedding planning.

 

If you come to her from a mature perspective, she's more likely t have a better response to your decision.

[HumiliatedGrapes]

Many apologies, I didn't see this comment! It took me right down to your second one. silly me!

While no, living together and talking to each other are not the same thing, you never know how good or how bad things can go until you actually take the chance. All couple go from socializing to living together to find out for sure how well their lives take together, because yes, they are different. You'll be spending most of your days together, and it's something to adapt to. While we feel it won't be a gigantic change as we spend every waking moment together we do know it will be something new. And we're okay with that.

I don't plan to be completely dependent on him, either. I'll be immediately looking for work as soon as I move in with him, and paying what I can when I do so. There are actually a lot more work opportunities where he lives ( as well as available colleges for me to get my Vet Tech career choice going. ), as opposed to the dying country-city I live in. While yes the first week will be showing me around, right after that I'll be running around looking for jobs. Luckily I will be more independent instead of having a chain around my neck from my Mother.

But I do wish to know, when I tell her, and if she goes bonkers what exactly should I do? If I know her proper she will start to have a fit and maybe try to break things. I would assume there's no choice in trying to calm her, and should probably just go to calling the cops?

 

I know this isn't directly answering the question you asked and you have already said you're not going to be dependent on him.. but please PLEASE, make sure you have enough savings for yourself and yourself only just in case something goes wrong. Maybe keep it in a separate bank account from your main one. I only say this because not long ago I moved across the world to be with a long term boyfriend, I had my own money and the exact same intentions as you.. it only took a week or two for him to change in to a completely different person, after burning a huge hole in my money and I had to return to my mothers house.. who, like yours is very controlling.. and believe me it isn't pretty and its proving difficult to get myself out of this.

 

Hopefully you get your happy ending though

[littleplanet]

It's a big change. A big move.

But you're an adult.

Don't expect to fix much of anything with your mother and sister before you move.

If at all, that can be done afterward.

 

I'm a tad confused. Does your fiance live within three-dimensional direct contact with you?

Forgive me for assuming that in this day and age, texting someone means "seeing" them. No.......it certainly does not.

 

But at any rate, what you are describing appears to be the exchange of a living situation which is intolerable, for something that has every likelihood to be better.

 

And to be blunt: If your mother accuses you of doing sexual things with your father, and this is entirely untrue, it would certainly be in your best interest to get away from this kind of toxicity.

 

However - you may be up against more challenges than you know. Not just dealing with your mother. How sad a thing it would be - if you actually needed 'cops' to keep her under control.

 

And young love is what it is. There are some things that can certainly threaten its suvival. If it is all you've ever know, then your experience is limited to that. This does not mean it is invalid. It just means that this could present a potential difficulty in making it work successfully.

And your immediate circumstances after leaving your mother's house could certainly put stress on your relationship.

 

But as to how to go? Your mother can't legally forbid it.

Stick to your guns.

If she is the one to throw a childish tantrum - then you must be the one who acts like an adult.

Edited June 6, 2014 by littleplanet

[Hope Shimmers]

Not only are you moving in with your BF, you are changing countries to do it?

 

First, do you have all of the immigration / legal issues handled? Will you have the neccessary documents to work when you get there? If that isn't straightened out already, you are putting the cart before the horse.

 

Fix that first.

 

Again, what stuff do you plan to take? If you are taking furniture, how will that be transported? If you have all these practical considerations addressed, fine but if you don't, this is all backwards.

 

 

 

When will your BF be when you talk to your mom? In an ideal world, I would think he should come to you and you two should get engaged before you move. Then with a ring on your finger & dad present & supportive, all of you calmly sit down with mom & tell her your happy news. Then explain you are moving. Be armed with facts about the better opportunities for work & school. Solicit her advice on wedding planning.

 

If you come to her from a mature perspective, she's more likely t have a better response to your decision.

 

I could be wrong but I didn't read her comment about 'country-city' to mean that it was literally a different country, but that she lives in a relatively small town compared to where he lives.

 

Original poster - I am confused (and I think others are confused) because originally you said it was a long-distance relationship now, but you are also stating that you 'spend every waking minute together'. The question is, are you spending time IN PERSON together, or via the internet? BIG difference, trust me.

[Tayla]

At the age of 22 and with independent ability, its really not our place to question you incessantly. It sounds like you have much endearment towards this man, please find some solice in his care. Life is too short sometimes to have regrets. And I think for you and your goals and aspirations, this man may just support your choices and allow you to blossom. If your happiness is seen thru a future with him, get your stuff together, bid adieu to your mother and find your adulthood waiting eagerly:) I personally think you deserve to spread your wings. Your mother is going to be okay. She is under medical care and has lived long enough to accept this decision.

DOnnivain is often a wise person, so do pay attention to those comments as they are realistic and worthy of consideration....

[darkmoon]

let her down gently, send stuff to your new home, bit by bit, no walking out with suitcases, she is a megalomaniac to be avoided, just take a train to your new life

 

once you have left home decide on boundaries, do not expect much from her, just tell her straight that she was too controlling, srsly, no running to your dad, you are not a child anymore, in the nicest possible sense

 

now you are an adult free to do what you want, free to call the shots

Edited June 7, 2014 by darkmoon

[jbelle6]

You don't know this person though really. You see the vacation him when you see him. That's common of all ldr's. And no, it's not the same if you live in a same city because then you would be seeing him a few times a week every week giving you a better idea of things, not just an idea of him on good behavior. Is he good at managing his money, how does he act on a long/bad day?

 

I don't get the "there's no jobs" thing that all the 20 somethings are saying lately. Nothing at any fast food places, or restaurants, or retail? Like literally NOTHING? I take it that it will be your first job? Then you will have to take what you can get, then you can build on it.

You should be saving up your dollars before you move to a new city whether you will be moving to a boyfriend or on your own. How will you afford school?

 

Can you not stay with your Dad?

[Poptree]

I find for some people it can be hard to get a job unless you know someone. I didn't get my first job until I was 19 and I applied to fast food places but they all rejected me for no experience. The only real reason I got a chance at my job was because they were really understaffed. I think some people can be pretty picky though. I have a friend who has never had a job and refuses to apply to any food related places because she doesn't want to get stuck in the food industry.

[amaysngrace]

You can't move out without income.

 

There's an order to doing things to guarantee the most success and moving in with someone when you aren't working is not the right order.

 

No offense but you sound way too immature to play grown-up. You can't even land a job or have an adult conversation with your Mom.

 

And you think you're ready to branch out and live your own life? Seriously??