I'm So Needy & Lonely... About to Contact a Loser

[shakalakababy]

Ok, here's a little background. I'm a woman in my early 30's; I don't have many (real) friends... I can count them on my hand. I've dated a little bit in my 20's, but I've never had a real boyfriend. I don't know what the problem is because I'm not ugly, guys are always looking, but it's the "wrong" guys that approach me. I'm truly not overly picky. I'm just really lonely and I feel like I'll NEVER find someone who likes me and I'll NEVER get married and have kids.

 

 

A few months ago I met a man from a dating site in his late 30's that I really liked... he just doesn't have his life together. He only has a year of college under his belt, he works in a supermarket, and rents a room (literally the size of a jail cell). He's also totally broke with all money going to paying for school, rent, etc. He took me out on a real date just once. On the other hand, I have a pretty decent job, and a car. My downside is that I live with my parents for now. For some reason I really liked this guy... he was easy to talk to, down to earth... I liked how he didn't have that party/clubbing lifestyle.

 

 

For the past couple of months we were having this weird thing... we have sex at his place, then talk and text everyday like a couple. I initiated the sexual relationship after being celibate for 8 years... I couldn't take it anymore. It's like I wanted him for a boyfriend, but he was not really what I wanted in a boyfriend... see what I mean? Not to mention he has a sexual dysfunction... he really has low self esteem and other issues. People that I talk to about him said he's a total loser and I deserve better. I think I do too, but I'm so lonely.

 

 

We had stopped talking twice before, but started up again, but this time was bad. We had made plans to hang out, and he cancelled on me late the night before. I was so pissed, then on the phone he was being really mean saying he didn't want to hang out with me ( I guess besides sex). From the beginning he was totally against just sex, he wanted to do other stuff, so I don't know why he was being so mean saying these things.

 

 

Anyway, two days later he texts me his usual stuff, like nothing ever happened. I broke it off again and we haven't spoken in a whole week. I'm the first to admit I should leave him alone, but I also feel needy, lonely, and pathetic. I want to talk to him again. I think about him every day and I know he thinks about me everyday.

[shakalakababy]

Anyone with anything helpful to say? I HAVE been to school- I have a bachelor of arts and a specialty degree. Also, living with your parents in the city I live in is not uncommon. I have a job, car, and do everything in my household.

 

 

I'm trying to give an idea of my situation with this guy without being very detailed or long winded...

[irresolute]

I honestly think you two have some issues. You, probably the most. Have you read what you wrote?

- you dont have any real friends

-never had a real boyfriend

-8 years celibataire

-you're dating a guy who's obviously very disfunctional

-You're 30 and live with parents.

 

I mean, please, if you want a normal and healthy relationship you should first address your issues. For what you say, you're clearly unhappy and on top of that you're having an addiction to this guy.

 

Please see a counselor.

I'm not doing better than you, I assure you, but before calling this guy a loser, you should look yourself.

[LoveFloats]

I have been through sort of the same thing. I was with my ex for 6 years, was cheated on..after we broke u i would take any attention i could get, even if i knew the guy was wrong for me.

 

Im also 31 so I am feeling the pressure just to find someone, anyone, to get married and have kids. But i know in my heart not to settle, and someone great will come along...eventually. Just DON'T settle because you are lonely. You will get over that feeling. I went to counselling, and think some of my issues with attracting the wrong men is because i have had an absent father pretty much my whole life, so I take any attention from men i can get.

 

Im getting better at realizing that I have great things to offer someone, and also deserve great! And you will too...just have to keep yourself busy...Ive been going to the gym almost every day just to keep my mind busy..hanging out with friends etc.

 

Stay away from this guy tho!

[Imported]

BA? Let me guess, community college while being completely supported by your parents. And you probably work at a job that you could have gotten with no degree.

 

I'd stop thinking of that guy as the loser. He seems to be trying to better himself, which is probably more than what you are currently doing.

 

Also, you probably think of him as beneath you because of what your friends say. Which is a pretty sheep behaviour.

 

I'd say you two deserve each other, but I actually think he deserves better.

[gaius]

For whatever reason it works. You two fit. Don't fight it. =/

[Lani]

If you feel like a loser already, think about how much worse you'll feel if you do contact him.

 

Have enough self respect and strength to not contact this guy.

[justhadto]

If a man or a woman is living with their parents(s) and paying bills, so what?! My guy does and so does my girlfriend. Why move out when you can contribute? Being celibate is not a bad thing either. Grow up Only in America....

 

He is not a loser.

You are the desperate one

No friends and desperate

Leave the man alone and work on your self esteem... it reaks!

[starrynightz45]

Everyone here is being SUPER harsh. The problem here is what you just said yourself - he's not what you want in a boyfriend (for whatever reasons), but you're essentially sticking with it because you're lonely.

 

The reality is that you will never be completely satisfied or happy if you continue hanging on just because you're afraid to be alone or lonely. I think some of the problem is how you perceive yourself. You phrased everything very negatlively - and that reflects how you feel about yourself. You said you don't have many friends and you can "count them on your hands." Notice how that led almost every poster to respond along the lines of "get a life, you have no friends, obviously you're the problem." In reality though, I'd say almost 99% of people 30+ can barely count their number of real friends on 1 hand. When you put yourself out there negatively or with a negative perception of yourself, you shape and influence how others see and perceive you as well. You don't like you, so others have little motivation to like you. See what I mean?

 

Still, I think you need to focus more on yourself and your life before you try to have a relationship. Find more friends, go to meetup groups, pick up new hobbies, etc. Make new friends - you'll meet their friends, etc. The reason you haven't had relationships isn't because you're ugly - it's because you haven't been confident enough to put yourself out there. You mask the shortcomings you see in yourself by pointing out the shortcomings in others.

 

I'm not saying this man is amazing, but I do think you should let him go and focus on you.

[TB Rhine]

My downside is that I live with my parents for now.

You say you're "not overly picky," then go on to diss the guy you've been dating because he "doesn't have his life together." If you were college-educated and self-supporting yourself, I could see this, but seriously... do you feel that YOU "have your life together?" If not, why do you feel entitled to reject someone on that basis?

 

Now, the sad thing is that if you were younger and more attractive, of course, not many men would care about what your other prospects in life might be. But you're getting to that age where, in order to land a guy even remotely close to your own age and income/lifestyle level, you're gonna have to start demonstrating some value. If you don't want a guy who's rocking an apartment instead of a house, I'd say move out of your parents' basement and start working toward elevating yourself to the same level you expect your would-be mate to be able to achieve.

 

I have a job, car, and do everything in my household.

 

Except pay for it.

Edited June 3, 2014 by TB Rhine

[juicygirl]

I don't think people are trying to be mean to op, but she seems to have more problems than just this guy.

 

This sounds like a teenage fling, but that because you don't have any experience with men or dating. You need to work on you and your life, remember like attracts like. You might have a job and a car, but move out of your parents seriously. I didn't leave home until 25, at first because my college was in the same city and I had a job too so didn't want to flat share with strangers. As I got older I thought why am I still living here? Sure it's cheaper,but I could see I was becoming scared of the unknown, so I rented a studio flat and it was heaven.

Work on yourself and stop trying to find someone else to give you your happiness because only you can do that. You said you're not happy and lonely and you need to address why that is.

 

I've met girls like you who are forever single and it's mostly because they don't go to the right places to attract the guys they want. I don't seem to find nice men in nightclubs so try somewhere else. Start with making new friends if you join a gym, a cooking class, go to yoga whatever you'll get new experiences and meet people along the what, who will become your friend and maybe through them you'll meet someone. Or you'll meet a guy at your rock climbing group, but you have to make an effect to try things and be a less boring person.

 

 

With online dating did you only meet one guy? Go back online and start dating, no not for having causal sex,but for dating. Line up a few dates get to know some guys, it doesn't have to go anywhere, but you need some practice so you can learn what you want and don't want in a partner, oh and don't advertise to the guys what you're doing.

[HappyLove]

OP, I've been there before, the guy you KNOW is a jerk and no good for you, you can't stop thinking about him because frankly there's no one else! The best thing you could do for yourself is become more active do things like a painting class, cooking class, poetry class, anything that gets you out there and available to meet new people. Doing your current routine isn't working so you need to dedicate yourself to activities you'll enjoy. Even volunteering will allow you to come across some great people! Basically live your life doing what you love and a man who's right up your alley with similar interest will cross your path.

 

 

Do not contact this guy! It's only gonna help you further wallow in your loneliness. Fill your nights and weekends with extracurricular activities and you'll be too busy to even notice the loneliness. Meet up groups are excellent for this because it's like minded individuals your age group looking to meet new people and just do stuff! I always enjoyed trivia so I went to a few meetup trivia nights and had a blast! Met loads of people without even trying and there were some really good looking educated men there! Also they meet at events so there are other men in the vicinity you can check out. But don't settle for this guy you two are not a match! At least get out there and try some new things. You'll be too busy to even remember what's his face.

[J21]

Ouch a lot of harsh advice here. But I think the generally advice is right, u shouldn't contact him again.

 

 

I think just because u are lonely isnt reason enough to be with someone. Its just temporary solution. You'll realize this person isnt right for u then 1) be in a unhappy relationship or 2) break up with him (and still end up lonely).

 

Gotta fix from the inside, start by tackling your loneliness issues.. join a club, church, community group.

[ascendotum]

You both are lonely and its seems you have been enjoying each others company for a few months. The gist of issue is that you feel this guy is not good enough for you and your friends are telling you you deserve better, so now you are unhappier than you were before when you were single. If you really are unhappier, then quit this. If not then keep enjoying his company for the time being while you keep an eye out for a guy you think is better, while also working on improving your chances. Just make sure supermarket guy is on the same page as far as this thing not being something serious. If he wants an LTR then quit it.

 

He is no great catch but its bit rough to call him a loser, since he is trying. A woman in her 30s who's never had a real bf is very unusual, much more so than the equivalent male imo. Something is not quite right on your desirability I'd have to say (no offense).

 

You seem to like him, and he's not a self centered jerk or only in this for the nookie. It seems he was better than spending nights being lonely at home with your folks. Its not like this has to lead to anything long term. It wont kill you to maybe have to pay more than him to do activities together, if he treats you well & appreciates it. You have more spare $ living at home. If its really that depressing being with him, then leave him and keep looking, though being "I also feel needy, lonely, and pathetic" is not going to be a hit with other guys.

[jbelle6]

Well OP,

 

I'll go against the grain a bit. I would not want a late 30's man with practically no education working in a supermarket either. I won't lie and say that would be attractive to me, it wouldn't.

 

Also, if I did not have a child and lived in the same city as my parents, I wouldn't mind living at home to bank cash. I get along with my parents, my Mum would love it and I like to travel so I wouldn't have to worry about leaving a place empty or my pet alone. Then again, Italians usually live at home until they are married so it might just be a cultural thing for me.

 

I don't really know many people in my city yet so I also do not have many friends at all. I plan to take a language class. Also, there is a wine appreciation one I would really like to do, should be fun. I joined a gym nearby and there are a lot of great trails near me so I've been heading out just running or talking walks and there are always people out and about to chat with. I think these are good things because I don't want just some guy to date, I want to create a new social circle (male and female). I think you would benefit to focus on that as well. Plus you will have fun! I think we are more likely to attract the opposite sex when our lives are full and we are happy even without that. Also, with friends, your life wouldn't just shatter if things don't work out with a guy and you won't be desperate out of a fear of being alone.

 

I think you are very lucky. You are educated, you are able to live at home and do not have children so you must have plenty of disposable income to travel and do lots of hobbies. Chin up. And if the guy doesn't have the qualities you desire, then leave him be, the right one will come along.

[I_Like_To_Golf]

Since you have a decent job and you're saving up money while living with your parents, I would just use that extra cash and start up a new hobby or go travel and do things that you won't be able to do when you do have kids. Now seems like a really good time to go out and enjoy life, since sooner or later you will be out on your own and not banking that extra cash.

 

I'm a male, mid 20s, I have my own apartment (no roommates) and pay for all my bills, but trust me, if my parents lived in the same city, and if I was still single, I would totally move back in with them and enjoy the finer things in life (while also saving for maybe a house or something in the future).

 

Find out what your interests are, and then look for a man that will share the same interests. In all honesty, I wouldn't date a girl in late 30's that worked at supermarket without any goals or education (if she had an education but due to some unfortunate life events that made her have to work at a minimum wage job, I would be fine with that) , just like I wouldn't expect a girl to date me if I was in that scenario.

 

Make some "real" friends, share some activities, go do awesome things with saved money, and then go find your guy. I would do those things in that order.

[shet]

You're incredibly judgemental. You don't DESERVE this guy and he doesn't deserve to have you foist yourself upon him because he's the only guy who believes in you (and you know it) without knowing how you really feel. Everything you said is despicable and your attitude about relationships and people sucks. This coming from another unhappy lonely early 30-something. As bad as I get, I would never think the way you think, let alone speak it forth and expect sympathy.