iPhone Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I've jumped into relationships with every single girl I've been in one with, and been on more dates than I care to brag about. This is why I am so confused. This girl I am talking to seems quite interested in me. She asked ME out at church for coffee. We took a bunch of pics together later that day and she says how good looking I am in them. However, she says she wants to be close friends and see if it turns into anything. I don't know how to take this. Is this simply friendzoned, or do you think it is because she is religious? (And my god is she religious). Not sure how to proceed. 1
carhill Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Ask her what 'close friends' means to her. Ask her to be specific. I have a close friend with whom I blow targets up on weekends with guns. Another I race cars with. Another whom I camp with. That's what close friends do, share interests and their lives. What does 'close friends' mean to her? My close friends and I sometimes talk about *gasp* their wives or a lady I might be interested in...you know, personal stuff. We're supportive of each other. Is this lady interested in being the kind of friend you typically have while she 'gets to know you'? IME, the healthiest results with women are becoming friends while dating them. If things go well, one marries their best friend, but that person *becomes* one's best friend during the process, not prior. With many iterations in the bin, I can't point to one 'friends first' male-female interaction that ever worked out for myself. For the ladies, perhaps. 5
deathandtaxes Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Friendzoned. Move along. For some reason or another, she doesn't want to date or end up in that kind of relationship. If you want a dating relationship with this lady, drop her - you're just setting yourself up for heartache. If you want to be friends. Be friends. But have ZERO expectations of it being anything but. It's just a BS excuse that gets thrown around. Most likely she's seeing somebody already and putting you on the backburner or who knows. 1
morbot_k Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 It means she wants to get to know you without the pressure of anything romantic. The reasons could be varied. 2
Author iPhone Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 Yes she is a virgin. Only had one boyfriend and it lasted a few months. She says when they broke up she found out all kinds of things that he was lying about, etc. She is super into God and I mean above and beyond. She says she never even cuddled under the stars or anything. I am curious if I can break the code and get with her (not sleep with her, but date her). I will keep you all updated.
littleplanet Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I've jumped into relationships with every single girl I've been in one with, and been on more dates than I care to brag about. This is why I am so confused. This girl I am talking to seems quite interested in me. She asked ME out at church for coffee. We took a bunch of pics together later that day and she says how good looking I am in them. However, she says she wants to be close friends and see if it turns into anything. I don't know how to take this. Is this simply friendzoned, or do you think it is because she is religious? (And my god is she religious). Not sure how to proceed. Your first clue: This is what religion is for. Chances are the whole fundamental foundation of her morals/eithics dictate to her that she's not about to let carnal passions run away with her core values. So if you like her, and she likes you - be prepared for a long courtship. (and I mean courtship in the biblical sense!) From what you describe of other girls you've known..... I'd say this one is just a little bit different. Chances are you're confused because you've never really tread this ground before. Is it worth it? Only time will tell. But obviously......she wants to get to know you a whole lot better - before getting to know you in that good old biblical sense. It would appear that she places a great deal of importance on friendship. Nothing particularly wrong with that. But if you're looking for quick action - chances are you're going to feel friend-zoned. (But not because she doesn't like you "that" way.) She isn't going to like anybody "that" way! - until the proper agenda has been covered. That's my lucky guess, anyway. Good luck! 1
Phoe Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 With my first 2 boyfriends, we were good friends long before moving into relationship territory. It was a matter of building trust and comfort. It wasn't "friendzoning" in the slightest. The downside was the overall loss of a friend once that relationship ended. Now? Friends remain friends. 1
carhill Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 She says she never even cuddled under the stars or anything. Unless you're similar, I'd pass. By your age, even though I'd remain a virgin for another 15 years, I had already done plenty of cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc., simply saving sex for a long-term committed relationship. If you're similar, or not a virgin, a woman whom you're attracted to and who apparently is reticent to do anything remotely romantic and physical will likely be very frustrating. I mean, you might as well hang out with your male friends. At minimum, again presuming you're young, date around. Nothing sexual but be 'friendly' with lots of women and see how things go. If your thoughts keep coming back to this one, who can surely remain a casual friend, then explore that. If she asked you out to coffee, she's asked other men out to coffee. That's how life works.
TB Rhine Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 For example. Give her a single flower in a vase. See what her reaction is. Good lord. Bury that sh*t with a shovel... then bury the shovel! Sweet/romantic gestures before engaging physically with a girl will almost invariably get you friendzoned. DON'T DO IT. Hang out with this girl another time or two, then kiss her. If she shies away or shuts you down, move along. 2
Gottabestrong Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I believe in being friends first. By that I mean getting to know each other first before starting anything physical or romantic. It does not mean I only want to be friends with someone (if I do, I tell him), but it means that I want to take my time to get to know someone before I start something physical. And with most guys being up for a kiss or more on the first date, I feel like this 'buys me some time', because I know myself well enough to realize once we start doing romantic/physical things, like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc. my rational mind stops working and my feelings take over. Which leads to me not thinking clearly and starting a relationship with someone that I am not compatible with and this invariably leads to a breakup a few weeks or months later. I'd rather take my time getting to know a person before I get involved. And for the record, by taking my time, I mean a month or two tops. By then (if we have regular dates) I hopefully know the person well enough to know if I want to pursue more with him. Looking back, the guys I was not compatible with, I usually told after a date or two, the guys I got to know for a month or more usually ended up being my boyfriend. Good luck!
guest572 Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 It could work for some. But i dont believe in it for myself. Although i see early dating as friendship and like to move slowly. But if it gets to a stage where nothing is happening then its not meant to be. 1
hotpotato Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I do not believe in it. Nope. Either the other person wants to date or not. 4
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 No I do not believe in being friends first. To me it's the best way to kill any attraction between 2 people. If she is very religious I would pass. She may have been conditioned to believe sex is dirty and only meant to procreate and you will hear for the rest of your life don't look, don't touch there, don't put your mouth there, I don't do that kind of thing, I feel guilty, god comes first, blahblahbleh 3
DArtagnan2 Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 everyone is different, I have known many who would rather start out being close friends and getting to know each other more before getting in to a serious relationship. I have known some who think there is something wrong with those who don't jump right in to the sack. It just depends on what that person's values, morals and beliefs are. unfortunately, the world is going towards more of a fast paced, which is clear in a lot of the posts here, conversations with people, etc. That if by the 2nd or 3rd date you haven't gotten "more" , then there is certainly something wrong or that person certainly isnt interested. I guess that is where things are and are going. I, and it seems like the rare few, would rather get to know someone before engaging in anything serious. My values, views, morals and beliefs just can't have me given up something I value so much too quickly to someone who may not be there after the 2nd or 3rd date. 1
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I think there is a difference between being friends first and dating while being abstinent. If you date then it's clear you have a romantic interest in each other. You set some boundaries like we will only date each other, or not, we will be abstinent. or not, but the goal of our association is clear, we have a romantic interest in each other. Playing being friends first, to me, means we are not going to explore the romantic side of our relationship yet. We will act toward each other as buddies and we will treat each other as buddies, also means we can explore romantic avenues with other people because well we're just friends right? I know I am not the only one that cannot stand being treated as a buddy by a man. When I am out with a man I want to be treated like a potential mate. If I were to socialize with a romantic prospect and he'd treat me like a buddy then for sure I would never open my legs to him. Being treated as a friend would kill all sexual attraction. I think this young lady lacks experience and doesn't understand the trap she is about to set for herself. And on a side note since when just being friends means no sex. So, she wants to date with no sex? or she wants to be buddies? 1
iiiii Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I think there is a difference between being friends first and dating while being abstinent. This exactly. If you are dating but holding off doing anything physical/waiting until marriage for sex, that's one thing, and perfectly normal for a lot of people. But I've never seen anyone end up in a successful relationship by deliberately deciding to just be friends first. In my world, "friends" means that you are just buddies - and you can therefore hook up with other people because you have no special loyalty or obligations to each other. I've seen (and experienced) attraction and love grow out of genuine friendships, but never seen love grow out of a deliberate "let's just be friends" first situation.
TB Rhine Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 No guy can resist the temptation to despoil a sweet Christian girl's innocence.
hotpotato Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I casually dated a really religious guy, and he NEVER suggested we start off as friends. This man was extremely religious. I could strip down naked and gyrate in his face and he'd do nothing. I have never told a man I wanted to start off as friends. Being friends and being romantic partners are completely different situations that come with different expectations. What I do is prescreen. Talk and text on the phone first to test compatibility. Then try a casual date. it's not a long process, really. No drawn out friendship is required. 1
littleplanet Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Ah, the science of it all. Laws of attraction are what they are. We follow them, we break them, and pay the fines. Friendship does not have to be toxic. Or anti-romantic. You'll know soon enough whether or not this is frosty fruitloops (or something different.) We live in a world where death-defying high diving acts can start awful young. We also live in a rather cynical world. This little story is a rather simple one. Why skip to the ending when only still on the first chapter? If it's pulp fiction, we already know that the butler did it. But if it's classic literature.....it may offer up a surprise or two. (could be worth the read.) Maybe only her hairdresser knows for sure. You can treat it with kid gloves. Or shy away like a startled rabbit. Or apply a little respect. The choice is all yours.
TheBladeRunner Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 OP, you sound young. I just experienced this and I am in my 40's, she was in her early 50's. She is interested in dating but has pulled that "friends first" thing and I had to pass. On our last date I asked "what is this we are doing", she answered "I don't know, all I know is that God will provide the right man". I didn't care for that answer and I have chosen to move on. I consider myself to be a very spiritual person and I attend church and study regularly. I think the real problem is that she has had one bad relationship after another and ANYONE she dates will pay for her bad choices. There was another woman that in my same age range that was a "born again virgin"........HUH?! I passed on her altogether. We all have our own convictions and your "friend" is entitled to that, but like other posters have said, you may be in for a LONG courtship. God has done a lot for me, things I don't even deserve, but I think we need to make our own choices in regards to what is right for us on our own. 1
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