Zapbasket Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Judging by the relationship I had with my ex, and by his actions within the relationship, exiting the relationship, and beyond, I think it's safe to say my ex is a jerk. He has good points, of course, and I know he probably thinks of himself as a good person, but he did not treat me very well in the relationship, and nor did he treat his previous girlfriends particularly well. He's sullen and irritable with his family, too, and majorly passive-aggressive. He talks the talk of high standards and all that, and yet he does not hold himself to those standards at all. Everyone urges me to see that he was not and is not good for me; everyone says I should hold out for much better. I do see this, and yet just when I want to wipe my hands clean of him in my mind and heart, I remember his good points; I think of his potential that he never drew closer to fulfilling in the whole 3.5 years we were together. I think of how much I enjoyed his company in the good times. In short, I try to hate him, but I find that I still love him, even though I am deeply disappointed in him and nothing short of a huge epiphany on his part could make me want him back...and I know he lacks the character to allow himself to have a huge spiritual epiphany; if he does, it could take years, decades, even. Yet I do still wish to hear from him. I do miss him and regret that it ended the way it did. I do feel the hole in my life where he once stood, with all his quirks. And yet at the snap of a finger, this all flips into feeling the agony of how he left the relationship and what it speaks about his true character, which is not good enough for me at all. And then, I think over the whole relationship, and it all just seems like such a misfortune, because so much was in place that was RIGHT. It seemed so, so, so close...and yet, it was so unhealthy and dysfunctional. I see him as a person with serious emotional problems that will take years of therapy to work through...and at the same time I see him as such an intelligent man, so full of potential and a heart that truly tries to be kind. He has values, even if they are angry values, "values" that are born of defenses rather than of a clear vision about who he is and what he wants. They are values he has seized upon, rather than values he worked for, if that makes sense. Basically, I don't know what was the true him, and the true relationship. I feel muddled and confused by all these conflicting feelings. Does anyone relate? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Nimbus4dt Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Yes, I suspect most on here would. I think the same thoughts about my last situation, it felt so right and yet it was so wrong or was it? Times I think she was a narcissistic nightmare or was she? Was it me? Was it just a bad combination of events that unfolded that led to the end? I try and take solace in the view that everything happens for a reason, the pain, hurt, happiness and the pleasure, it was all there but alas the pain remains but just memories of the rest. Life is a journey or so we're told, a process of learning, I certainly can say I have learnt a great deal over this last break up, more than any others before, so that must be a blessing!! Mind thats not saying I won't make the same mistake again!!! lol I dearly miss my ex more than she'd ever know but she now has her life to live just like me, only I, despite being the dumpee, am aware that she will never change and in some respects I feel sorry for her. I also feel that despite the ****ty ending over time I will emerge a much stronger person than she will ever be, I will be able to love again, which when you think about it is a pretty special gift that is beholden to most of us but alas she will never love, she simply doesn't know how to, which is so very sad in itself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 WOW, he is a mesh mash of dynamics! Actually he is all too human. your perception of him is filled with emotions that blurr the true him. In time when the emotions settle, you may be able to accept that he was all thsoe things and it simply wasn't your turn to mend or attend him. Yes I can relate, but no longer in a bashing or negative light. We each have shortcomings, and until I can look in the mirror unflawed, I accept that folks are a work in progress. some more then others! we are each unique and common at the same time.... I pray that you heal from his negative attributes and actions, Sometimes we get the residue of their quirks. Just be good to yourself and learn from this. Its not that better will come along, its that you'll be better aware of what you want in your next relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elseaacych Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 GreenCove. Three months ago, I would have written this thread, almost word for word. Give it some more time, and you won't want to hear from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) Some say we learn to do this as children - to love unconditionally, especially those of us from dysfunctional or broken homes. As children, we love our parents, flaws and all. We rationalize when our parents are neglectful, abusive, addicted - and we love them anyway. We learn to tolerate, to minimize the bad and focus on the good. It can be helpful in childhood but can keep us stuck as adults. It can really affect our lives when it comes to our relationships. It's good that you see it- you logically know he would not make a good partner for anyone, but that doesn't stop your feelings for him. Some people aren't healthy for us. Loving someone doesn't mean we have to be with them. You feel confused because what you intellectually know (he has issues and isn't good for you) doesn't match your emotions (you love him). This is where self awareness is SO important. The logical part of you must babysit the emotional part of you. Accept that you love him, but that a life with him is not for you. Edited June 3, 2014 by Quiet Storm 5 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 It's ok to love them. Just love yourself more. Love yourself enough to keep this kind of destructive person at arms' length. Remember your value. Don't put a man on a pedestal above you. If he doesn't clearly and consistently appreciate your value, then he hasn't earned your precious care and patience. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Yes, yes, and yes!!! I'm having trouble coming to terms with who my ex is. There were such good qualities about him (why I fell in love with him) and then such awful, angry qualities about him. And as much as I know it was a toxic relationship and he wasn't good to me, (I left him because of this) it kills me that we aren't together anymore, and I miss him even after how hateful he was to. Me when we broke up. Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I get the same conflicted thoughts. When we were together, I could see how there were detrimental things going on, e.g. it caused me to drink a lot. You still miss them, but is it because we miss them or that we can't get over the rejection? As logically, we know we are better off without them. But the passion that caused the highs is no longer there, so maybe we are just missing that high? I know I feel less conflicted when eating a good quality dark chocolate, so it makes sense? Either way, I think sometimes we need to let logic rule, rather than let our emotions take us on a more torrid journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizie29 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Wow green cove i feel you u should really read MY story i think we could have a good talk Link to post Share on other sites
lovehurtsme91 Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 I also feel that despite the ****ty ending over time I will emerge a much stronger person than she will ever be, I will be able to love again, which when you think about it is a pretty special gift that is beholden to most of us but alas she will never love, she simply doesn't know how to, which is so very sad in itself. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zapbasket Posted June 4, 2014 Author Share Posted June 4, 2014 GreenCove. Three months ago, I would have written this thread, almost word for word. Give it some more time, and you won't want to hear from him. That's my goal: that by summer's end, I will have "broken up" with him. Where I can clearly demarcate what was (he was not someone capable of a mutual, long-term relationship) from what I wished. Where I can honestly say, "It wasn't my 'fault'" and not feel guilty or second-guess myself. Where I can not be concerned with what he is doing or thinking because I'll have concluded that whatever it is, it is not adequate for me. Where I can confidently feel, "He is not adequate," and not have to "compensate" for such an "uncharitable" thought by putting him on a pedestal or (and this is friggin crazy) trying to "win" his love by his growing from an inadequate to an excellent partner. Lizie29 Wow green cove i feel you u should really read MY story i think we could have a good talk There are a bunch of posts I want to respond to and I will as soon as I'm actually home for an evening. And, I will read your story, too Link to post Share on other sites
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