(Unhappily) Married but falling for another girl

[Snowflower]

As mentioned in some of my other responses above, I’m trying to avoid her getting too close to me. But at the same time, I don’t know for certain that she is interested in this way – as I mentioned in the OP I could be reading too much into it and so it could be quite awkward if I suddenly tell her to back off. I’m not really experienced at this, I’ve not worked closely with ladies in the past due to my line of work which doesn’t seem to have many, so I could be seeing signs that aren’t really there. But regardless of this colleague, my marital problems still exist and have done for a long time.

As far as flirting with her is concerned, I don’t believe I am. I try to talk about the family a lot to try and stress that I’m married with kids and so am not looking for another relationship, without coming out directly and saying it.

 

 

 

 

 

Unless I make a typo (which is possible), I don’t think I said she sits “on” my desk, she always either stands (if it’s a quick visit) or pulls up a chair and sits next to me.

 

 

 

 

 

With regards to point 3, as mentioned previously I still can’t be sure I’m reading the signs right, maybe I’m wrong and I’m just enjoying the attention. When the conversations digress from work, I try to get them back on track as quickly as possible. I’m not sure if my co-workers are talking, but I certainly do get some looks from one or two of them when she’s whispering.

 

I'm just going to zero in on what you have written here. You are getting lots of advice about how to handle the situation at home so I won't chime in on that.

 

As others here have said, getting involved with this woman at work will bring all sorts of misery to your doorstep, regardless of your marriage.

 

Based on your responses here, and that is all I have to go on, you seem like a really decent man. You seem like the type of man who would be very damaged by lowering yourself and having an affair. I actually see you handling some things right here...talking about your family and wife to this co-worker. And your attempts to keep the conversation work-related.

 

But (there is always a "but" in there somewhere, isn't there ) something must be hinky with your work relationship with her because of the responses of your co-workers. And it must be somewhat obvious. Whether it is this girl's behavior, your behavior, or both, something isn't quite right and you know it and your colleagues know it.

 

Why do you say in your title that you are falling for this other girl?

[alwayshere]

Why do you say in your title that you are falling for this other girl?

 

I am guessing it is because he is, and he is trying to talk himself into it being okay to keep her close by for an ego boost without it being cheating.

 

The fact that he is thinking so much about her says, IMO, that he is already being mentally unfaithful to his wife. And if he doesn't stop playing with fire, it WILL result in a full on affair.

 

And he is choosing to let it happen.

[jackslife]

As a man who has had a long term affair, and is very painfully coming out of the end of it. I cannot advise strongly enough the mistake you will be making if you do.

 

Clearly there are issues in the marriage, but these must be resolved by you and you must do everything in your power to make your marriage work. An affair solves nothing and is just a sign of the marriage being in trouble.

 

Offload the children for a night, book a meal, take your wife out and then put your cards on the table. Tell her how badly this is affecting you and how you want to work together to a solution.

 

Do not use your unresolved marriage problems as an excuse to bang the office totty!

 

Try and sort your marriage out. If you do - problem solved. If you don't you'll be divorced and then single and able to start anew.

[SleeplessIn]

With due respect to everything else that has been addressed in this thread, I'd like to highlight the matter of the wife yelling, shouting and screaming at the children. OP, could you be more specific about this?

 

For example, is she swearing at them? does she use derogatory words such as "stupid" and "idiot" when yelling at them?

 

And does she ever spend quality time with them such as reading to them, playing a game with them, things like that?

 

Also, you referenced her spending time on her laptop. What does she use it for, that she would rather focus on it than focus on time with you?

 

Either or both of these things could be very good "wedges" to get her into counseling. The constant yelling at the children sounds like emotional child abuse, and if she is using derogatory or swear words at them, it is *definitely* child abuse. The laptop matter may be a level of addiction (such as to playing computer games), and all the uproar against the children could be resulting from the fact that looking after their needs "interferes" with her being able to zone out on her computer. Again, that then is definitely grounds for counseling and you could bring up divorce as a road you will take if she won't get her parenting in order.

[pj4ever]

 

The laptop matter may be a level of addiction.

 

I would definitely look into what she's doing on the laptop that takes her away from everyday life. Her needs may not be taken care of either.

[leics]

Thanks again for all the replies and advice.

 

I had just written individual replies to each of the messages from today, however unfortunately I pressed the wrong key and lost them all

 

I will reply in full tomorrow if I get chance, but to summarise, in response to the comments that I'm trying to justify and invite and affair, this really isn't the case. I know that an affair could never be justified, and as mentioned previously I'm trying to distance myself as much as I can. However, as one of you suggested, I think it just is a big boost to the ego to (if I'm reading the signs correctly) have a female attracted to me in that way, especially considering at home I do feel (as someone else suggested) that my wife just isn't sexually attracted to me anymore.

 

With regards to my wife shouting and yelling all the time - she doesn't swear at or around the kids, and its rare that she swears when they're not around. I was brought up not to swear by my parents, they were brought up the same, and I want our kids brought up the same way. However, I just don't like her shouting at them all the time, especially as loud as she does, I don't see that there is any need for it, and it doesn't actually do any good. I've suggested to her that if she's not careful the neighbours will be calling social services to report it for the reason it could be seen as emotional abuse, as suggested. I tend to send them to their room (though I don't really like doing that often either, as my father says a bedroom is a place for rest and sleeping, they shouldn't see being sent to bed as a punishment), or I stop them watching TV in their room or don't allow them to have sweets if they misbehave. She does read to them, and play games with them (on the computer/wii and board games).

 

As far as using her laptop is concerned, I'm not completely sure what she does, I know she uses it a lot for Facebook, and I think she occasionally plays games.

 

I'm reluctant to tell her about this other girl because, although there is the possibility it might confirm to her that there is a problem, I don't want her fretting all day about what I'm doing at work, or whenever I go out, or who I'm texting, etc. If she is depressed, I worry what this might do to her. However, maybe the fact that I don't think she has any suspicions makes her feel too secure so she thinks she doesn't have to do anything different. I need to consider this carefully before I go down the route of telling her (though if the situation did arise where it looked like something might end up happening between me and this other girl I would have to tell her anyway, though I'm still hopeful it won't actually come to that).

 

With regards to "not asking what I can do but just doing it", the issue is I just don't know what else I can do. As soon as I get home from work I'm helping out, at weekends I'm helping out and taking them out places, without her telling me what more I can do I just haven't a clue.

 

Finally, with regards to saying I'm falling for her in the title, I do feel that I am, and I am ashamed to say it, really, I just can't help it. Maybe it is just the boost to the ego as mentioned above, the fact that suddenly it would appear a girl is attracted to me whereas at home I just don't fell that, but I do think about her a lot. The way she talks to me and acts around me. As mentioned previously, I've never really been confident around girls, I would never ask them on a date and that's probably why my wife is the only girlfriend I've had, but I feel so confident all of a sudden (though I still wouldn't make a first approach, mainly because of my marriage and kids, but also because I just wouldn't have the guts).

 

Sorry again for the summary of a response, I'll try and respond to individual messages tomorrow where I haven't covered them here.

[Snowflower]

 

Finally, with regards to saying I'm falling for her in the title, I do feel that I am, and I am ashamed to say it, really, I just can't help it. Maybe it is just the boost to the ego as mentioned above, the fact that suddenly it would appear a girl is attracted to me whereas at home I just don't fell that, but I do think about her a lot. The way she talks to me and acts around me. As mentioned previously, I've never really been confident around girls, I would never ask them on a date and that's probably why my wife is the only girlfriend I've had, but I feel so confident all of a sudden (though I still wouldn't make a first approach, mainly because of my marriage and kids, but also because I just wouldn't have the guts).

 

 

It's frustrating when you lose your post that you've been working on, I know!

 

Okay, I'm rather embarassed to say that I've been on these forums for quite awhile and read all kinds of situations such as yours. What usually strkes me about these situations is that the OP (that's you) often donates a large part of their posting to the attributes of the affair person (the girl at work) and very little to the spouse/marriage at home. It gets kind of nauseating, actually.

 

That tells others reading where the poster's thoughts lie.

 

But in your posts, you are quite focused on your wife, your kids and what is going on at home. It might not be all positive, but you are focused on that. That says (at least to me) that you're still focused on your wife and family. And that despite the excitement of this new girl at work, your heart isn't letting you "go there."

 

So, while I don't want to presume to tell you what you feel/think, I don't think you are as enamored with this little chicky-pie (as another poster said) as you might like to believe.

 

And combine that with my impression again that you are a decent guy who won't be happy with himself if he cheats, I think you have a lot to consider here.

 

Just my .02 from where I sit.

[Scarlet2]

Never stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. They pick up on the negativity and they'll be like "why should I ever get married, my parents were always miserable." Your kids aren't ever going to recognize the sacrifice for staying. They don't think that way.

 

Yes, you should make it clear to your wife that you are considering leaving if things do not improve. Right now it sounds like she's taking everything for granted, complacent. She's not scared of losing you, otherwise she'd be more appreciative of what you do and make you feel desired.

 

The coworker makes you feel attractive, so that lets you know it's not you, it's your wife. You're doing everything you can to make it work but that only goes so far if it's not being reciprocated. If she doesn't want to listen or talk or go to counseling, then she gets the suffer the consequence of her inaction, which is divorce.

 

This is what gets me, that there are plenty of women that would do anything to have a good man and when a woman that actually has one doesn't treat him like the best man in the world and the man stays and puts up with it. It doesn't make sense.

 

If you do everything to please her and she does everything to please you, it will work out. It doesn't work if it's one sided or one is more selfish than the other.

[beach]

Have you been reading the books suggested?

 

Are you reading them in front of your wife so she gets the clear idea that you need changes to improve the marriage? It could start conversations that invoke changes that help both of you.

[toolforgrowth]

I can completely relate.

 

My ex wife (who had an affair) was exactly like yours. I bent over backward to try to make her life easier and happier; I worked overtime so she could try real estate (her dream), I worked jobs I hated to pay the bills so she could be a stay at home mom for a while, I came home from work and cooked three-four course meals for the entire family (that is not an exaggeration), I helped out with dishes, I helped out with grocery shopping, and I tried so very hard to please her in bed.

 

Nothing worked.

 

And in the end, she was the one who cheated.

 

I tried to get her to go to MC, but she only went to two sessions before bailing (she was starting her affair at that time). BUT...I can say that I tried. Once I finally found out about her affair, that was it. I divorced and never looked back.

 

Now is the time to break the status quo at home. You aren't happy, and neither is she. Schedule a MC appointment, but do it without telling her. Then sit her down, tell her that you're not happy, and also tell her that you don't feel that she is happy, and that you've scheduled a MC session on such and such a day to make this marriage better and offer for her to come along. If she refuses, go without her. Find a good counselor and listen to what they have to say. Make yourself a better you (not saying you're not a good person, but find out what your issues are and work on them aggressively).

 

Read Married Man Sex Life. Listen to your counselor. Do everything you can. If, at that time, she's still having none of it, then divorce her and move on with your life.

[fatheroftwo]

My friend,

 

I'm in my late 30's and I still have young girls trying to flirt with me and get attention. Don't smile, don't make unneccesary comments, don't joke and basically do nothing to indicate you think she's attractive. Why do I say this? She probably doesn't really like you and is power tripping.(never mind the marriage thing that is a whole much bigger issue)

 

In my experience even if you are just being nice they see it as a sign you like them, or find them attractive. They view you as "safe" because you're married and enjoy the thrill of tempting you and getting your attention. Young girls (under 30) are insecure and love to exercise their sexuality. To be honest, I doubt she is really into you in any serious way. She probably would not act as she is if you were not married.

 

Don't delude yourself. An older woman would not be doing this (most of the time!)

[Bootsie]

...

With regards to the Co worker, I don't believe I've given off any signs, I've tried not to, but maybe I have sub consciously. When she sits at my desk I tend to move as far to the left and the wall as I can to give more space so she doesn't have to get so close. I talk about my family a lot to try and stress that I am married without actually coming out and saying back off (I can't be certain she is interested, I could just be reading too much into it due to the sudden attention).....

 

No, she doesn't, but to be honest I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Not all women have children and then turn to being moody all the time, shouting and screaming all the time, etc. etc.

 

 

Unfortunately this is something I’ve tried many times without success. I’ve asked whether there is anything wrong, anything I’m doing wrong, anything I could be doing that might help, etc. However, as I mentioned in my message she just says “there is nothing wrong”, and “not this again” and turns away.

I totally agree that getting involved with another girl won’t solve our marriage, quite the opposite. I’d much rather work on our marriage, however I just can’t see what I can do if she refuses to talk and accept that there is a problem.

 

...

I’m not trying to give myself permission to cheat, as I’ve mentioned a number of times I’d rather work on my marriage and have tried so hard to do so. I’ve tried hard to keep a distance from the other girl, but it’s not easy due to the work we both do which overlaps and requires each others input. Usually when conversations start digressing from work I try to get it back to work as quickly as I can. I don’t think I’ve given any indicators that I’m interested in her, though as mentioned previously maybe I’ve done so without realising. ...

I do think I’ll have to do as you suggest though, tell her that we either need to discuss this between ourselves (ideally), through a marriage councillor, or if she refuses both split up (even if its a temporary break up).

 

 

If she continues to refuse to talk to me, I think counselling is going to have to be the other option, as mentioned above. However, I’m fairly sure she’ll continue to insist there is no problem and so refuse that as well.

...

 

 

...

I also don’t see myself as the third toddler and needy. I don’t think wanting to have sexual relations with my wife more than once on an occasions, and only when I initiate it every single time, is being needy either. I provide for her needs by going out to work 9-5, helping out around the house when at home, helping out with the kids, taking her and the kids out, etc.

 

The girl at work has only been around for a few months, so is in no way a cause of these issues that have been going on for years. ...

...

In terms of seeing the other woman without first breaking off from my marriage, then I would agree with your first paragraph. However, I would potentially (because I could never be 100% certain) disagree where I first split from my wife before starting a relationship with the other girl (though that’s not to say that’s something I want to do or will do). ...

As I’ve mentioned, I don’t think she would go for it because she can’t see there is a problem.

 

... I try to talk about the family a lot to try and stress that I’m married with kids and so am not looking for another relationship, without coming out directly and saying it.

 

 

 

I......

 

...

As above really, I think I might have to try and talk her into going to counselling, but I’m not sure she’d go for it.

 

 

...

 

...

I agree the advice about having a conversation is good advice, but it’s how to do that when she refuses to accept there is a problem and therefore refuses to speak about it.

 

 

...

 

 

I have considered she might be depressed due to the same routines, but she’s had opportunities to do other things which he never takes, she just seems to want to sit on the laptop all day. We do go out occasionally without the kids, but it never seems to make much difference, we get back home and it’s all back to normal. I try just sitting with her just watching films as mentioned previously, like we used to do, but nothing. I’ll give it several weeks without making any mentions of sex, in the hope that she might make a move, but again, nothing. When I do try myself, we seem to go in a cycle of reasons, from “I’m tired”, “I’ve got a headache”, “I’ve got a stomach ache”, to “I just don’t want to”.

With regards to point 3, as mentioned previously I still can’t be sure I’m reading the signs right, maybe I’m wrong and I’m just enjoying the attention. When the conversations digress from work, I try to get them back on track as quickly as possible. I’m not sure if my co-workers are talking, but I certainly do get some looks from one or two of them when she’s whispering.

 

Thanks again for all the replies and advice.

 

I had just written individual replies to each of the messages from today, however unfortunately I pressed the wrong key and lost them all

 

I will reply in full tomorrow if I get chance, but to summarise, in response to the comments that I'm trying to justify and invite and affair, this really isn't the case. I know that an affair could never be justified, and as mentioned previously I'm trying to distance myself as much as I can. However, as one of you suggested, I think it just is a big boost to the ego to (if I'm reading the signs correctly) have a female attracted to me in that way, especially considering at home I do feel (as someone else suggested) that my wife just isn't sexually attracted to me anymore.

 

With regards to my wife shouting and yelling all the time - she doesn't swear at or around the kids, and its rare that she swears when they're not around. I was brought up not to swear by my parents, they were brought up the same, and I want our kids brought up the same way. However, I just don't like her shouting at them all the time, especially as loud as she does, I don't see that there is any need for it, and it doesn't actually do any good. I've suggested to her that if she's not careful the neighbours will be calling social services to report it for the reason it could be seen as emotional abuse, as suggested. I tend to send them to their room (though I don't really like doing that often either, as my father says a bedroom is a place for rest and sleeping, they shouldn't see being sent to bed as a punishment), or I stop them watching TV in their room or don't allow them to have sweets if they misbehave. She does read to them, and play games with them (on the computer/wii and board games).

 

As far as using her laptop is concerned, I'm not completely sure what she does, I know she uses it a lot for Facebook, and I think she occasionally plays games.

 

I'm reluctant to tell her about this other girl because, although there is the possibility it might confirm to her that there is a problem, I don't want her fretting all day about what I'm doing at work, or whenever I go out, or who I'm texting, etc. If she is depressed, I worry what this might do to her. However, maybe the fact that I don't think she has any suspicions makes her feel too secure so she thinks she doesn't have to do anything different. I need to consider this carefully before I go down the route of telling her (though if the situation did arise where it looked like something might end up happening between me and this other girl I would have to tell her anyway, though I'm still hopeful it won't actually come to that).

 

With regards to "not asking what I can do but just doing it", the issue is I just don't know what else I can do. As soon as I get home from work I'm helping out, at weekends I'm helping out and taking them out places, without her telling me what more I can do I just haven't a clue.

 

Finally, with regards to saying I'm falling for her in the title, I do feel that I am, and I am ashamed to say it, really, I just can't help it. Maybe it is just the boost to the ego as mentioned above, the fact that suddenly it would appear a girl is attracted to me whereas at home I just don't fell that, but I do think about her a lot. The way she talks to me and acts around me. As mentioned previously, I've never really been confident around girls, I would never ask them on a date and that's probably why my wife is the only girlfriend I've had, but I feel so confident all of a sudden (though I still wouldn't make a first approach, mainly because of my marriage and kids, but also because I just wouldn't have the guts).

 

Sorry again for the summary of a response, I'll try and respond to individual messages tomorrow where I haven't covered them here.

 

 

I'm on the same side of this sort of triangle as your wife. Ie my H got close to a woman at work and ended up having an affair with her. When I found out my world was blown apart. He used similar excuses as you are using to justify his affair.

 

 

You keep saying your wife insists there is no problem, yet clearly there is a problem in that you are getting too close to the woman at work. Yet you refuse to define the problem to your wife. Of course she will insist there's no problem because you are in fact lying to your wife about this. Why not tell her exactly that the problem is that you are feeling a strong attraction to someone else?

 

 

Your refusal to tell your wife this is in fact setting up the situation for you to have an affair and to blame it on your wife's inability to recognise a problem. But you are hiding the true nature of the problem from her. You are therefore, in my opinion setting up any marriage counselling to fail.

 

 

How do I know all this, you might ask. it's because that's exactly what happened in my situation. In fact a few days before D-day my H did confess an attraction to someone else and I realised how dire our situation was. I immediately realised that for years I'd been unaware of the true situation. Unfortunately it was too late by then as the affair had been ongoing for years. The true D-day was a few days later.

 

 

My advice is come completely clean with your wife and let her know how desperate you are and how desperate the situation is in that you are thinking that you might not be be able to resist this person's advances. If that doesn't work then maybe your marriage in unsalvageable. I would have appreciated it if my conflict-avoidant H had been brutally honest with me.

 

 

Instead we have been reconciling for the past few years and are now reconciled. It was very difficult. The OW was just someone at his work who apparently mistook an open-door policy for an open-legs policy.

Edited June 22, 2014 by Bootsie

[Oberfeldwebel]

There is a definite communication disconnect. I believe if your wife were writing this we would have a completely different picture of the same situation. That is why counseling is essential to get a view from the other persons perspective. I still recommend that you consult with an attorney and let her know this after you have scheduled counseling and child care. She needs to understand the urgency of the situation. You want to repair the marriage, but if things don't change, you have to know your legal options. Ultimately, she will see the urgency, but it may be after too much water has flowed under the bridge. Bad news, never gets better with age.

[fatheroftwo]

She may just take you for granted as well, or be seriously depressed...or both.

 

My first ex-wife (yes there are more than one but it's a long story) cheated and would not stop, then tried to get me back once she realized what she'd done. By then, it was way too late for me.

[Silveron]

And the ones that suffer are your children. Be prepared to look into their eyes, the look of despair, disappointment and a broken heart while they leave for their mom's place after the divorce.

 

 

What I am trying to say is that everything that is going on right now, even the stuff they don't see is affecting them. It changes who they are.

 

 

Their innoncence, security and self-worth is affected by what YOU and your wife are doing.

 

Read that bold part a couple of times and let it sink in!!

 

 

Your children are your number one priority, period. Which means you need to control what you can control and do not worry about your wife. Any disagreements, arguments are to be done away from the children. Each time an argument happens in front of them, it chips away their security and replaces it with anxiety.

 

 

Trying to replace your own self-worth from the depletion that your wife has taken from you by this other woman is only going to do harm. It won't fix things and not a good foundation to start a relationship.

Instead of talking to your wife, write her a letter. Write out all your feelings, what YOU have done wrong and what you want to change and what you need in a marriage. Give her the letter and walk away. Then let her come to you. Focus on the children in the mean time, if you hear your wife start yelling, get the kids to come with you and leave to another room or outside the house all together. Your wife is having issues and you are not getting to the root of the issue. MC would help but until she wants that you need to put boundaries into place on the behavior you both are showing.

 

 

These children are innocent. No matter what you or your wife is lacking right now, they are lacking more. The love they need from BOTH of you. As you put more time and thought into this other woman, the less time and thought you are putting into your wife and children.

Edited June 26, 2014 by Silveron