SpotyLove Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 After a lack of success over a few months with OLD, a friend suggested "multi-dating" as a means to sift through the abyss. I decided to schedule a few dates with different women overlapping. After the serious slump, I went on two great first dates and both women are interested in a second date. From what I read, multi-dating is a popular practice. I just don't know how to approach without hurting someone. If they asked me if I was dating anyone else, how could I answer truthfully without it being a total turnoff? In the past, I've only dated one woman at a time and things typically moved quickly to a relationship. Or we went our separate ways. Any thoughts/tips/suggestions?
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Make sure nobody gets the impression that you are exclusive with them. Do everything in your power to keep them apart. Have a very good memory for names; you don't want to call somebody the wrong thing. 1
Joaquin Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 And don't tell lies as you end up forgetting what you've said to who and when. Overall, you keep stuff light. No heavy texting, calls, I love you's etc. By the way, you will probably end up golden with the woman you are seeing, but you need to make a call on each one after a month, maybe two max. You can't string them along. 2
J21 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I think just be honest and upfront about it, don't imply exclusivity or allude to it. I multi dated and realized it wasn't for me. I had a date on Fri and then would have another one with someone else on Saturday. For some odd reason I didn't enjoy it. It also felt harder to connect with the person and felt a bit like a schedule or appointment--rather than a date to me. I've learned that "one at a time" works better for me, but it also means I gotta be honest with myself and make a decision pretty quickly on whether I'd like a second date with her. Juggling multiple prospects sucked out the fun for me and it felt like a impersonal chore. 2
Author SpotyLove Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 And don't tell lies as you end up forgetting what you've said to who and when. Overall, you keep stuff light. No heavy texting, calls, I love you's etc. By the way, you will probably end up golden with the woman you are seeing, but you need to make a call on each one after a month, maybe two max. You can't string them along. The reason I thought multi-dating might be good is that you don't really know the other person's goal in the interaction. It's hard to know how they feel towards you and what's going in with their life. I'd hate to use someone as a backup plan, but I almost assume the situation would work itself out. If I'm looking for a long-term partner, is multidating a bad strategy?
Author SpotyLove Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 How soon can you ask the other person to show their cards in terms of what their dating goals are without scaring them away?
LustAppeal Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) After breaking up with my Ex I realized I really had no clue what I wanted in a relationship and that my area of expertise was in the attraction/dating aspect of things. I am great with getting a date and keeping the spark going, but I tend to smother the relationship(multiple reasons) when in one, which comes off as needy to some women. I also never really thought of what I wanted in a girl, now I am only 22 and slowly figuring out what I want in a relationship and tend to ask myself so many questions. Such as: Before- I would ask myself if I found this girl physically attractive, is she fun, is she outgoing, does she like to travel, would I make my friends jealous, is she a good dancer, what music does she like... Now- Does she share the same values as I, would she make a great mother, does she take care of herself(mentally and physically), do her characteristics match mine, what passions does she have, how intimate is she, how high maintenance is she, can she control her drinking/partying, and so on... I could make the list go on for ages and I truly am only focusing on a few attributes that I know I need in a relationship such as intimacy, mother figure, values, and passions. But it's so hard finding a girl that matches those, and you really only start to see the persons true colors after a few months of being together. Saying all that and considering the fact that I have no problem approaching a single woman or group of girls in the mall, coffee shop, so on... And achieving a date, I tend to focus on multi-dating. Here are some things you need to know: It can get really expensive- This differs from male to female as in most cultures such as my entire country, the male pays for the date NORMALLY. It can become a chore- think about it this way, you're single for a year without any real intimacy with another person, next thing you know BOOM you have a date, now you're super happy and you put all your energy towards the date though looking and smelling good. If the date goes good you're super passionate when talking to the person. Now imagine that same scenario, just this time you begin taking short cuts and spending half the time on presenting yourself because you just did the same thing that week, now you get there and you feel like you're at an interview because the guy is asking all the same questions the last million did(over dramatic, but it feels like it), well guess what your passion towards the date drops and your body language shows it. Try not to lead them on- It's great multi dating, but everyone is different and you'll soon find you have different groups people fall under; the texters who try to text or facebook you all the time, the try-hards that try so hard to build intimacy with you, the "lets be friends with benefits," and worst of all for multi dating... The clingy/needy ones who seem like they fall for you on the first date. Because of all this you really have to know where the boarder is between dating and being a couple. I have always found sex being one of the biggest factors in this, also after the fourth or fifth date depending on what you do. I always tell the women I date that my last relationship took a tole on me and I really don't know what I want in a relationship, then I tell them they're really nice and I would like to see them again if possible. Sometimes this comes off as trying to be a friend with benefits though. Be careful how you say it- On the first date I make it clear to them I am dating others, but depending on the person they may react differently. for example they could feel like they need to compete for you, they could feel as if your a player, and so on. Hope this helps, I would love to write more, but I am actually headed to the park with some friends before the sun goes down. GOOD LUCK!!!!! One more thing! If you're truly going to get into multi dating buy yourself a notebook and write down information after the date, as much as you can, and hide that notebook somewhere no one will find it. Every so often look over it and try to remember everyone's main points. Like I said it's a chore! Edited June 3, 2014 by LustAppeal
Gottabestrong Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 If they asked me if I was dating anyone else, how could I answer truthfully without it being a total turnoff? First of all, don't multidate if you are being physical with one or more of them. In my opinion multi-dating is reserved for the first 1-3 dates, when you still get to know each other and try to figure out if this person is someone you would like to date exclusively. If you know you are not, stop seeing them, and start dating other people, until you find someone who you are willing to date exclusively and they feel the same way. then stop dating all others. Now, if someone asks you on your first dates if you are dating others, you could say something like: 'I am talking to a few people, but hope to find the right person soon, that I can focus on.' Of course only say that if you are really looking for a relationship, if you just want to date casually and have fun without it leading to anything serious, you could say something like: "I am talking to a few people.' And then change the topic. Nobody wants to hear about your dates with other people. As an addendum, don't feel bad about admitting that you are seeing others, assuming this is a question posed on the 1st or 2nd date, you are not in a relationship with anyone and you are not doing anything wrong by going out and meeting new people. In fact that is what you are doing right now (on that date). Good luck!
Author SpotyLove Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 First of all, don't multidate if you are being physical with one or more of them. In my opinion multi-dating is reserved for the first 1-3 dates, when you still get to know each other and try to figure out if this person is someone you would like to date exclusively. If you know you are not, stop seeing them, and start dating other people, until you find someone who you are willing to date exclusively and they feel the same way. then stop dating all others. Now, if someone asks you on your first dates if you are dating others, you could say something like: 'I am talking to a few people, but hope to find the right person soon, that I can focus on.' Of course only say that if you are really looking for a relationship, if you just want to date casually and have fun without it leading to anything serious, you could say something like: "I am talking to a few people.' And then change the topic. Nobody wants to hear about your dates with other people. As an addendum, don't feel bad about admitting that you are seeing others, assuming this is a question posed on the 1st or 2nd date, you are not in a relationship with anyone and you are not doing anything wrong by going out and meeting new people. In fact that is what you are doing right now (on that date). Good luck! Great advice, this is essentially how I planned on approaching things. Usually after 3 dates, I have a pretty firm opinion on the person. Hopefully, one of the two will turn into a relationship.
MadJackBird Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Thanks for the thread. I'm somewhat recently divorced and looking into dating again. After a failed first relationship, (You can read my previous thread) I am trying to meet and possible multi-date. I had two first dates one day after another and was trying to juggle both of them via texting. In the end I had to really focus on one and "friendzone" the other. However I still find myself wanting to meet others. Anyone else with advice please keep in coming.
Author SpotyLove Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 First of all, don't multidate if you are being physical with one or more of them. In my opinion multi-dating is reserved for the first 1-3 dates, when you still get to know each other and try to figure out if this person is someone you would like to date exclusively. If you know you are not, stop seeing them, and start dating other people, until you find someone who you are willing to date exclusively and they feel the same way. then stop dating. As an addendum, don't feel bad about admitting that you are seeing others, assuming this is a question posed on the 1st or 2nd date, you are not in a relationship with anyone and you are not doing anything wrong by going out and meeting new people. In fact that is what you are doing right now (on that date). As a final question or point, are you suggesting having a discussion about exclusivity after the 3rd date? Otherwise, how would you know where you stand? It wouldn't make much sense to continue seeing the person if your goals don't align. However, some people might not be sure at that point or taken aback by bringing up the topic. Is it best to state your intentions upfront? I.e. Stating you are looking for a relationship vs casual dating.
deathandtaxes Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 The first and foremost rule - no sex. Everything else is secondary
Gottabestrong Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 As a final question or point, are you suggesting having a discussion about exclusivity after the 3rd date? It does not have to be at the third date, but I would advice against dating a person for more than 3 times if you know you are not interested in taking it further. I know if I have been on 4 dates with a guy I would assume that he liked me and was interested in maybe starting a relationship with me. My advice would be to not string anybody along, and once you meet someone you really like and want to be exclusive with, you should talk about it. The third date is a good time for that. Added bonus, if a woman went on 3 dates with you and is happy to go on a 4th, she probably really likes you.
Potz4prez Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Added bonus, if a woman went on 3 dates with you and is happy to go on a 4th, she probably really likes you. HA Not exactly... But yeah, I wouldn't go past 3 dates with anyone unless you want to invest in them.
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