Texting an ex boyfriend whilst in your company...

[EdG]

Looking to get some 'outside' perspective on something which I am thinking through at the moment.

 

I've been dating this girl for 6 weeks. Not long. We've been getting closer, and I'd say in the last 2 weeks we've started to get 'serious', e.g. relationship.

 

On the whole it's great/she's great, but there are a couple of things she's done which have thrown me off a bit, one of which I describe below. I don't want to make this a huge post, so I'll bullet it hoping it's easier to digest.

 

- I noticed she was getting whatsapp messages one night whilst we were chilling on my sofa. She'd angel the phone away from me and stretch out her arm when reading the messages.

 

- I picked up on this and brought up a conversation and just asked whether she still text's any ex boyfriends. She said once every 3 months or so she'll receive a message, yes, but it's not unusual as she's friends with her ex's...?

 

- I knew she was in conversation with an ex that night, and straight up asked her. She said yes. I asked to see the conversation. She'd been replying to his messages (being reactive) on and off (exchanged 10 or so) throughout the day, whilst she was with me (introduced me to her friends at a bbq).

 

- I took offence to the fact she was in conversation with him while with me. I wouldn't do it myself and couldn't understand it. She said they are just friends. Broke up a while back, but I didn't ask when.

 

- In the messages she said "just meeting friends" (true as bbq) and "just got in and going to bed soon" (true as he had and were), but she obviously didn't want him to know she was with me. These messages were replies to his "what have you been up to".

 

- I got pretty pissed off and asked to see the messages from the last 2 weeks or so. She said no. Went away had a shower and came back saying she appreciates it was wrong to be texting him when with me, that she understood why I was annoyed and upset about it. She agreed to show me the last few weeks messages. Generally she was replying to his messages all the time.

 

- He was saying things like I miss you. I am staying in a hotel tonight. What have you been up to. How are things, etc.

 

I think it's disrespectful of her to be sending messages to him while with me particularly. Makes me wonder why she was doing it. I know I wouldn't. I might respond to be polite, but I certainly wouldn't reply when I was with my current girlfriend and nor would i engage in regular conversation. I don't buy he's just a friend if he's saying how much he misses her, etc.

 

What are your thoughts? I don't to make a big deal out of it. My gut is telling me not to right now, to keep an 'eye' on it and if it continues then bring it up again and ask what's going on, but at the moment having discussed it this weekend I think i might be reading into it too much and should let this one slide as it's early days in the relationship, boundaries weren't concrete and she was being reactive... What do you reckon?

 

Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

I don't care who it was. You pay attention to the living breathing human being in the room with you. You don't spend all night on your freakin' phone. She sounds rude.

[EdG]

I don't care who it was. You pay attention to the living breathing human being in the room with you. You don't spend all night on your freakin' phone. She sounds rude.

 

Appreciate what you're saying. She does spend a fair bit of time on her phone, but generally not much when with me. That night she didn't, she was just catching up on whatsapp messages as we'd just got in and she'd connected back to the wifi.

 

The last message she wrote to him was "sounds fun. Have a good night". Then he replied with "miss you". At that point the convo ended as i picked up on it. She said she wasn't going to reply to the miss you comment, but who knows.

[Keenly]

Looking to get some 'outside' perspective on something which I am thinking through at the moment.

 

I've been dating this girl for 6 weeks. Not long. We've been getting closer, and I'd say in the last 2 weeks we've started to get 'serious', e.g. relationship.

 

On the whole it's great/she's great, but there are a couple of things she's done which have thrown me off a bit, one of which I describe below. I don't want to make this a huge post, so I'll bullet it hoping it's easier to digest.

 

- I noticed she was getting whatsapp messages one night whilst we were chilling on my sofa. She'd angel the phone away from me and stretch out her arm when reading the messages.

 

red flag 1, body language.

 

- I picked up on this and brought up a conversation and just asked whether she still text's any ex boyfriends. She said once every 3 months or so she'll receive a message, yes, but it's not unusual as she's friends with her ex's...?

 

neutral

 

- I knew she was in conversation with an ex that night, and straight up asked her. She said yes. I asked to see the conversation. She'd been replying to his messages (being reactive) on and off (exchanged 10 or so) throughout the day, whilst she was with me (introduced me to her friends at a bbq).

 

red flag 2, repeatedly distracted by texts from ex (I'm not sure hoenyou knew it was the ex though )

 

- I took offence to the fact she was in conversation with him while with me. I wouldn't do it myself and couldn't understand it. She said they are just friends. Broke up a while back, but I didn't ask when.

 

- In the messages she said "just meeting friends" (true as bbq) and "just got in and going to bed soon" (true as he had and were), but she obviously didn't want him to know she was with me. These messages were replies to his "what have you been up to".

 

HUGE red flag, hiding the fact that you are hanging out.

 

- I got pretty pissed off and asked to see the messages from the last 2 weeks or so. She said no. Went away had a shower and came back saying she appreciates it was wrong to be texting him when with me, that she understood why I was annoyed and upset about it. She agreed to show me the last few weeks messages. Generally she was replying to his messages all the time.

 

red flag. " of course you can see my messages, now that you've left the room and I've deleted everything incriminating, I'll just act innocent.

 

- He was saying things like I miss you. I am staying in a hotel tonight. What have you been up to. How are things, etc.

 

red flag, she didn't check this behavior immediately.

 

I think it's disrespectful of her to be sending messages to him while with me particularly. Makes me wonder why she was doing it. I know I wouldn't. I might respond to be polite, but I certainly wouldn't reply when I was with my current girlfriend and nor would i engage in regular conversation. I don't buy he's just a friend if he's saying how much he misses her, etc.

 

What are your thoughts? I don't to make a big deal out of it. My gut is telling me not to right now, to keep an 'eye' on it and if it continues then bring it up again and ask what's going on, but at the moment having discussed it this weekend I think i might be reading into it too much and should let this one slide as it's early days in the relationship, boundaries weren't concrete and she was being reactive... What do you reckon?

 

Thanks!

 

Well hello there.

[writergal]

I'd say that's grounds for dumping her. If she's going to disrespect you this early on, consider it a preview to how little she'll invest emotionally into the relationship if you continue to see her.

 

Even if you try to create boundaries by telling her that texting her ex is rude to do because she's dating you now and how much bothers you, my bet is she'll deflect her guilt back on to you and try to make you into the bad guy ("you're just jealous/insecure/clingy").

 

Run Forest. RUN.

 

Don't put up with that this early on and don't let her try to deflect her bad behavior on to you. Ask yourself: do you really want to date a woman whose texting behavior you have to monitor like CCTV?

Edited June 2, 2014 by writergal

[Lisey9]

 

What are your thoughts? I don't to make a big deal out of it. My gut is telling me not to right now, to keep an 'eye' on it and if it continues then bring it up again and ask what's going on, but at the moment having discussed it this weekend I think i might be reading into it too much and should let this one slide as it's early days in the relationship, boundaries weren't concrete and she was being reactive... What do you reckon?

 

Thanks!

 

I'm guessing you're pretty young.

 

Dude, you already did make a big deal of it by getting angry and telling her to show you weeks worth of her personal text messages.

 

You've been dating six weeks and you don't like her behavior. Jump ship. You're setting yourself up to be miserable for the duration of your relationship. If you don't like her behavior now, why would you "keep an eye on it" and bring it up again later?

[EdG]

I'm guessing you're pretty young.

 

Dude, you already did make a big deal of it by getting angry and telling her to show you weeks worth of her personal text messages.

 

You've been dating six weeks and you don't like her behavior. Jump ship. You're setting yourself up to be miserable for the duration of your relationship. If you don't like her behavior now, why would you "keep an eye on it" and bring it up again later?

 

I'm 27. So have a reasonable amount of relationship experience. I am no saint, but I wouldn't be texting an ex when with a current partner, or finding the messages, or not telling them I am with my partner. She did deflect the blame onto me, saying I was over-thinking and making a big deal of it.

[EdG]

Well hello there.

 

Yeah, thought it's likely she deleted x amount of messages, but of course she denied that.

 

I agree with your other points also.

 

Cheers. Seems to be an overwhelming response here for not looking passed this one.

[Keenly]

I'm 27. So have a reasonable amount of relationship experience. I am no saint, but I wouldn't be texting an ex when with a current partner, or finding the messages, or not telling them I am with my partner. She did deflect the blame onto me, saying I was over-thinking and making a big deal of it.

 

You wouldn't be doing it, but apparently you'll be with some one who does.

[EdG]

I'd say that's grounds for dumping her. If she's going to disrespect you this early on, consider it a preview to how little she'll invest emotionally into the relationship if you continue to see her.

 

Even if you try to create boundaries by telling her that texting her ex is rude to do because she's dating you now and how much bothers you, my bet is she'll deflect her guilt back on to you and try to make you into the bad guy ("you're just jealous/insecure/clingy").

 

Run Forest. RUN.

 

Don't put up with that this early on and don't let her try to deflect her bad behavior on to you. Ask yourself: do you really want to date a woman whose texting behavior you have to monitor like CCTV?

 

I know she's into me, I know that. I have enough relationship experience to know. However, I know she also like the attention she gets.

 

Massive disrespect that she'd be texting while with me (at different points during the day!). It is very early days though, and really it could be said we weren't in a relationship yet as hadn't been made 'official' if you see what I am trying to say.

 

I don't want to be monitoring anything, I see what you're saying. She did deflect blame on me to a certain extent. Although she also said she appreciated why I was upset, etc. But next day she said I made a big deal out of it.

 

I am a nice guy, perhaps she's taking the piss, but I tell you what, although I am nice, I am not the type to be walked over and taken for a mug.

[EdG]

You wouldn't be doing it, but apparently you'll be with some one who does.

 

I have a tendency to over think and therefore make things better then they are. I knew this was a big deal, but couldn;t work out whether I was making a mole a mountain if you see what i am saying. Appears I wasn't from the reaction I am getting. This is why I posted here, to get a different perspective, outside my own head.

[Lisey9]

I'm 27. So have a reasonable amount of relationship experience. I am no saint, but I wouldn't be texting an ex when with a current partner, or finding the messages, or not telling them I am with my partner. She did deflect the blame onto me, saying I was over-thinking and making a big deal of it.

If you have a reasonable amount of relationship experience, and the fact that you posted about being angry and feeling disrespected and distrustful of someone you've been dating for a mere 6 weeks, I'm surprised that you haven't already dumped her.

 

Be confident that you know what behavior you will and won't put up with, and that you can find someone you trust and who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

 

6 weeks is entirely too short of a relationship to be having drama or doubts. If it's not great at 6 weeks, it's not going to be great at 6 months or 6 years.

[EdG]

If you have a reasonable amount of relationship experience, and the fact that you posted about being angry and feeling disrespected and distrustful of someone you've been dating for a mere 6 weeks, I'm surprised that you haven't already dumped her.

 

Be confident that you know what behavior you will and won't put up with, and that you can find someone you trust and who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

 

6 weeks is entirely too short of a relationship to be having drama or doubts. If it's not great at 6 weeks, it's not going to be great at 6 months or 6 years.

 

I see what you're saying. I doubt my decision/thoughts sometimes, so wasn't sure hence why i posted this. Sometimes it's good to get other peoples opinions who have an outside perspective, that's all.

 

Believe me I have enough relationship experience, just not the confidence in my thought process right now. And too forgiving perhaps. Also it's such early days and boundaries hadn't been set, were weren't officially a couple, they'd just recently broken up, etc, etc.

[Joaquin]

I'm afraid she has allowed an ex to effectively poison any chance you had. Trust is so important and in a new relationship it's vital that NOTHING screws up the trust building process.

 

Every time her phone goes, you'll jump. Late night calls she doesn't take while you are together, you'll seethe inside wondering who it was. You start whining about the phone, are you gonna get paranoid that they're emailing.

 

Listen bro, she has messed things up. I suspect she is playing both you and the ex since the ex sounds keen to get back into her panties. She doesn't seem to know what she wants, and you can't spend your time monitoring her like some schoolgirl. She says one thing to you and does the opposite when your not around.

 

You'll go nuts staying with this girl.

[marcjb]

they'd just recently broken up

 

One word: Run.

[Lisey9]

I see what you're saying. I doubt my decision/thoughts sometimes, so wasn't sure hence why i posted this. Sometimes it's good to get other peoples opinions who have an outside perspective, that's all.

 

Believe me I have enough relationship experience, just not the confidence in my thought process right now. And too forgiving perhaps. Also it's such early days and boundaries hadn't been set, were weren't officially a couple, they'd just recently broken up, etc, etc.

 

Nah, that's just you not being confident - you're trying to excuse her behavior because you are into her.

 

I call bs on the boundary thing. It doesn't matter if it's "early days". You do not like her behavior. Period. YOU do not like her behavior. If YOU do not like her behavior, who cares why it might be OK that she's doing it? No matter what reason or excuse is assigned to her behavior YOU still will not like it. It will still make you feel crummy and doubtful and mistrustful.

 

Besides, if she was really ready for another relationship and all that, she boundaries wouldn't need to be set - she wouldn't need to be told "I don't like you talking to your ex when you're on a date with me". She simply wouldn't be doing it.

[EdG]

I'm afraid she has allowed an ex to effectively poison any chance you had. Trust is so important and in a new relationship it's vital that NOTHING screws up the trust building process.

 

Every time her phone goes, you'll jump. Late night calls she doesn't take while you are together, you'll seethe inside wondering who it was. You start whining about the phone, are you gonna get paranoid that they're emailing.

 

Listen bro, she has messed things up. I suspect she is playing both you and the ex since the ex sounds keen to get back into her panties. She doesn't seem to know what she wants, and you can't spend your time monitoring her like some schoolgirl. She says one thing to you and does the opposite when your not around.

 

You'll go nuts staying with this girl.

 

I think you're absolutely right mate. I know she likes me a lot, but she's obviously playing the other chap/me. What I think is happening is she likes the attention she's getting from the other dude and hence not giving it up, e.g. not telling him she's right me. She says she has told him she'd dating, but she didn't say she was with me that night, etc.

 

I think it's all about the attention with her. i don't think she'd cheat on me. I don;t mean to sound arrogant, but I know i am good enough for her, but she obviously playing some type of games.

 

She's texting me like a mad women now, as she can see i am not replying to her. She's saying I am "worrying her". She knows I am thinking about what happened on the weekend now.

[EdG]

Nah, that's just you not being confident - you're trying to excuse her behavior because you are into her.

 

I call bs on the boundary thing. It doesn't matter if it's "early days". You do not like her behavior. Period. YOU do not like her behavior. If YOU do not like her behavior, who cares why it might be OK that she's doing it? No matter what reason or excuse is assigned to her behavior YOU still will not like it. It will still make you feel crummy and doubtful and mistrustful.

 

Besides, if she was really ready for another relationship and all that, she boundaries wouldn't need to be set - she wouldn't need to be told "I don't like you talking to your ex when you're on a date with me". She simply wouldn't be doing it.

 

Good points! Thank you for your thoughtful advise. I knew it was a good idea to post on her. And I am going to put an end to her game.

[michellew]

I have exes that are now friends and still text here and there. I treat them as friends and am not going to ignore them when I'm with someone I'm only dating IF I don't also ignore my friends.

 

However, my exes that are now friends don't generally say they miss me and if they did I'd put an end to the conversation and friendship if I was really into the guy I'm dating. If We were exclusive at the time, I'd say something like "I'm seeing someone now. Not fair for us to be friends if you are missing me." Were you exclusive when she got these texts?

 

On another note... I've recently been that pathetic ex that texts my ex, starting with friendly small talk and then telling him I miss him. He replies to my small talk and ignores the "I miss yous" or changes the subject. He's clearly not interested anymore and I've got the hint. I'm sure he's only replying out of kindness. If he was with a girl when I texted these things, I don't think he'd tell me out of fear of hurting my feelings. Just something else to think about. She could just be nice to him out of pity or guilt. Maybe he'll get the hint soon too.

 

If she knows how you feel now, she should put an end to the texting. If she doesn't, move on.

[EdG]

I have exes that are now friends and still text here and there. I treat them as friends and am not going to ignore them when I'm with someone I'm only dating IF I don't also ignore my friends.

 

However, my exes that are now friends don't generally say they miss me and if they did I'd put an end to the conversation and friendship if I was really into the guy I'm dating. If We were exclusive at the time, I'd say something like "I'm seeing someone now. Not fair for us to be friends if you are missing me." Were you exclusive when she got these texts?

 

On another note... I've recently been that pathetic ex that texts my ex, starting with friendly small talk and then telling him I miss him. He replies to my small talk and ignores the "I miss yous" or changes the subject. He's clearly not interested anymore and I've got the hint. I'm sure he's only replying out of kindness. If he was with a girl when I texted these things, I don't think he'd tell me out of fear of hurting my feelings. Just something else to think about. She could just be nice to him out of pity or guilt. Maybe he'll get the hint soon too.

 

If she knows how you feel now, she should put an end to the texting. If she doesn't, move on.

 

See now you've put the other school of thought I have been thinking about right back to the forefront. haha.

 

No, we weren't mutually exclusive at the time she received the text messages on the weekend.

 

She said she was texting back out of politeness and that he'd done a lot for her during the relationship. That she didn't have feelings for him anymore. She didn't reply to the "i miss you" message and said she wasn't going to either. That when this guy gets drunk he sends messages like that. She says she was angling the phone away from me as knew he could send a message like that which she wouldn't have wanted me to see.

 

I do feel like boundaries weren't set at the time, but I also agree with what someone else said above that if you're into someone enough that boundaries don't need to be set. i have received texts from girls from my past since dating this girl, but haven't replied. But i guess each ex is different, you had and have different relationships with each.

[michellew]

See now you've put the other school of thought I have been thinking about right back to the forefront. haha.

 

No, we weren't mutually exclusive at the time she received the text messages on the weekend.

 

She said she was texting back out of politeness and that he'd done a lot for her during the relationship. That she didn't have feelings for him anymore. She didn't reply to the "i miss you" message and said she wasn't going to either. That when this guy gets drunk he sends messages like that. She says she was angling the phone away from me as knew he could send a message like that which she wouldn't have wanted me to see.

 

I do feel like boundaries weren't set at the time, but I also agree with what someone else said above that if you're into someone enough that boundaries don't need to be set. i have received texts from girls from my past since dating this girl, but haven't replied. But i guess each ex is different, you had and have different relationships with each.

 

I think you should go with your gut on this one. Deep down I'm sure you know whether or not she's telling the truth, if she can be trusted now that you are exclusive, and just how much she's into you by her other actions.

[todreaminblue]

i talk to my exes they call a fair bit......i have more than one ex, i dont text while with a current partner....and i make it clear to them i am with a partner or boyfriend....when i have one and if i am on a date the people who text me normally know what i am doing......where i am....and they mostly leave me to have fun....... and be in the moment with the guy i am with

[ThatMan]

I'm 27. So have a reasonable amount of relationship experience. I am no saint, but I wouldn't be texting an ex when with a current partner, or finding the messages, or not telling them I am with my partner. She did deflect the blame onto me, saying I was over-thinking and making a big deal of it.

So she blamed you?

Sounds like she has experience with this sort of thing haha

 

Yeah...

You're in for a fun time.

[bubbaganoosh]

EdG.

 

OK, I'm 66 and not in touch with all the different ways people can communicate today. I have a cell phone that makes and receives phone calls and I still don't know how to text but who cares.

 

The point I want to make is this, if your out with your date and she gets text messages and all these messages ask the same thing which is "what's up. what are you doing and all that crap" their really not important and there is no need to drop everything and press your nose to the screen of the phone and reply.

 

These kind of penny ante messages can wait until the next morning and if whoever texts you and wants to know why you didn't reply to the question "what are you doing" then they should get the hint that your busy and you can't answer.

 

Be a cold day in hell that I would waste my time and money on a woman who can't give me the common courtesy to keep her nose out of the screen on her phone for a few hours.

 

It's an entirely different matter if it's an emergency then I understand but to ask some trivial stupid question that is not going to end the world as we know it is unacceptable.

 

If it's me, and I'm with her out and about on a date and she pulls this nonsense then I let her know that if she prefers to be with who she's burning the phone up with rather than me then by all means hustle your ass to their house and do what you will but if you out with me and I give you the courtesy of not doing that then I want the same in return and wont settle for less.

 

It's called manners and she should learn them.

[EdG]

Update:

She picked up on something being wrong as I was not in contact. I asked to see her f2f, but it's not possible today as she has a commitment which I knew about but forgot about. We ended up speaking on the phone, talking it through. Didn't go quite as planned.

 

1. She got annoyed that I was bringing it up again.

2. Says she can't do or say more than she already has. That she's already said it meant nothing and that it wouldn't happen again.

3. Said she didn't understand why I was making a big deal out of it, that now she needs to do the thinking as she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who makes a big deal out of this as next "I wouldn't be able to talk to a guy".

4. Said the guy was a friend. Then said "he isn't really a friend", then "he isn't really an ex". Apparently they just dated. My point then is what value does this relationship bring you. Why talk to him if he's not a friend, or not even an ex, someone you once cared for. I'd imagine it was someone she was dating before me, sleeping with, etc.

 

One side of my brain is saying end it now, there are too many incompatibilities if she doesn't want to talk through what's bothering me, and doesn't understand it. She's getting annoyed and turning it back on me saying I am making too big a deal out of it and overthinking it. That she's already apologiesed and said it won't happen again.

 

The other side of me is saying I may be making a mole a mountain. That boundaries weren't set. That she won't do it again. That on the whole I like her and should work things through. Want to work things through, but so far we haven't had much success, we just seem to be on different pages about this issue.

 

I think I could write this off and trust her in the future, but I am not sure we'll get through this difference of value at the moment, and maybe the difference is value is a sign that things wouldn't work out and there would be a load more of these situations in the future were we'd be relying on having similar values more than now.

 

Probably should nip this in the bud now. Shame she's involved in the same friendship group as me. Going to make things interesting.