He loves me but isn't 'that' attracted to me?

[Sweeetie]

Hi all.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months, I'm 24 and he will be 24 soon. I have posted on here a few times about different problems in our relationship, some of you may recognise me from that, however I haven't been on here for a while because I thought the problems were going away. One of the main problems has been that I have not felt my boyfriend is very attracted to me (see my previous threads if you like), and yesterday I saw that this is very much still there and it came 'out into the open' in a way.

 

Towards the start of our relationship, the thing that first gave me this assumption was the fact that my boyfriend kept ogling other women on our dates, like the waitress when he took me on a very special date. I always used to think that the start of any relationship is the time when two people are most attracted to each other and for that his behaviour was more prominent to me. It made me feel like he was not attracted to me that much. I spoke to him about how I felt a few times and he would always try and convince me that he was attracted to me or he wouldn't be with me.

 

However, he would also tell me that he always had thought I'm "pretty", but that he also finds "many girls pretty.". He chose me because I was "very nice to him". I knew him for 5 months before we got together, during which time I liked him but he wasn't interested in me at all; he would often hit on other girls when we were out with friends and even asked me to be his wing when we went clubbing to help him get girls.

 

As the months drew on in our relationship, so did my trust that he was attracted to me. Perhaps it was because he loved me very much and treated me like a princess, he always put me first, our sex life was healthy, that this concern of mine faded into the background. No other guy had showed me as much care as he did before, and he's my 3rd boyfriend. However at the back of my mind I always felt as though he wasn't that attracted to me. He would never look at me with lust in the way that other guys in the past had done, and many other factors just made me feel this way. It started to make me feel quite insecure about my appearance, my mother noticed this just the other day.

 

Yesterday, something happened which "proved" that he is not that attracted to me. It started off in a very silly way but had a significant meaning and brought up my concerns quite strongly. We were chatting online on Facebook, and I told him I might wear my (natural-looking) fake lashes for our date that we had planned. I never really wear fake lashes, I wore them for the first time just last month for one of our dates. He responded that he doesn't think I look nice in fake lashes. "Well I like the way I look with them so I will wear them" I responded. He: "Why? Do you actually think you look attractive to anyone with them on? You don't. Nobody would find you good-looking with them. In fact I don't think any girl would look nice in those things."

 

Now I know that my boyfriend has a secret fetish for Oriental girls, so I went onto google images and found a picture of a Korean girl with fake lashes on. I sent it to him. "Not even her?" I asked. He wouldn't reply and kept avoiding the question, trying to change the subject. I persisted in asking, and what I got back from him was a picture of a bodybuilder/celebrity which he had found on google images along with the question "I can ask you then do you find this guy hot?" He sent me some more pictures of Hollywood actors. "Or these guys?" I found his reaction unnecessary since this wasn't a "hot or not?" quiz or competition. All it told me was that he did find this girl hot, even though she was advertising fake lashes when according to him "no man would find me attractive in fake lashes". But that wasn't it yet. I was beginning to get annoyed at this and then he said "You think you're the hottest girl in the world or what?"

 

That was it for me. All those doubts which I'd had for 9 months were back onto the surface with this 'confirmation', and I called him up to tell him I can't be with him anymore after he said that. It is the truth; now I will never feel attractive if I am with this man. Whether he apologises, or sends me flowers or what, nothing can take away the fact that he is just not that attracted to me. I am stuck with what to do because as I said no other boyfriend has ever shown me so much love and care before so I might not feel so valued with anyone else, but at the cost of always feeling insecure about my appearance? I just can't do it. He wrote to me how sad he was feeling that we are not together anymore, but he actually made the issue worse by saying "You are beautiful but you need to accept that there are many beautiful girls out there." He just doesn't understand that that's not the problem. My problem is that he notices this all the time. I love my boyfriend so much that guys who I normally would find hot I find less attractive now. I've always thought that when a man is truly in love, in his eyes his woman will be the most beautiful girl to him. My girlfriends' boyfriends feel this way about them, so it hurts me that my boyfriend just takes me as "just another pretty girl".

 

Advice?

[PegNosePete]

Wow what a lack of respect he is showing for you and your relationship.

You should date men, not boys.

[Ruby Slippers]

When it comes to checking out other women while out with his woman, I've learned there are 3 types of guys:

 

1. The guy who constantly checks other women in an obvious way

2. The guy who occasionally checks out other women

3. The guy who never or rarely checks out other women

 

I've dated all 3 of these types, and my appearance was about the same. So I conclude that it's about the guy, not about the girl he's with.

 

I never check out other men while out with my man, and I won't bother with any kind of guy except Type 3 in the future.

[clia]

Has he ever actually flat out told you that he isn't attracted to you? A lot of this sounds like insecurity, jumping to conclusions, and bad assumptions on your part. You seem to need a lot of validation from him.

 

Towards the start of our relationship, the thing that first gave me this assumption was the fact that my boyfriend kept ogling other women on our dates, like the waitress when he took me on a very special date. I always used to think that the start of any relationship is the time when two people are most attracted to each other and for that his behaviour was more prominent to me. It made me feel like he was not attracted to me that much. I spoke to him about how I felt a few times and he would always try and convince me that he was attracted to me or he wouldn't be with me.

 

Why don't you believe him? If he is in fact attracted to attractive girls, why would he be with you if he doesn't find you attractive?

 

However, he would also tell me that he always had thought I'm "pretty", but that he also finds "many girls pretty.". He chose me because I was "very nice to him". I knew him for 5 months before we got together, during which time I liked him but he wasn't interested in me at all; he would often hit on other girls when we were out with friends and even asked me to be his wing when we went clubbing to help him get girls.

 

What is wrong with this? He fell for you when he got to know you. Isn't that a good thing? Do you think that when men get into relationships they suddenly stop thinking other women are attractive?

 

As the months drew on in our relationship, so did my trust that he was attracted to me. Perhaps it was because he loved me very much and treated me like a princess, he always put me first, our sex life was healthy, that this concern of mine faded into the background. No other guy had showed me as much care as he did before, and he's my 3rd boyfriend.

 

He sounds like a great boyfriend.

 

However at the back of my mind I always felt as though he wasn't that attracted to me. He would never look at me with lust in the way that other guys in the past had done, and many other factors just made me feel this way. It started to make me feel quite insecure about my appearance, my mother noticed this just the other day.

 

What factors? You just seem really insecure.

 

Yesterday, something happened which "proved" that he is not that attracted to me. It started off in a very silly way but had a significant meaning and brought up my concerns quite strongly. We were chatting online on Facebook, and I told him I might wear my (natural-looking) fake lashes for our date that we had planned. I never really wear fake lashes, I wore them for the first time just last month for one of our dates. He responded that he doesn't think I look nice in fake lashes. "Well I like the way I look with them so I will wear them" I responded. He: "Why? Do you actually think you look attractive to anyone with them on? You don't. Nobody would find you good-looking with them. In fact I don't think any girl would look nice in those things."

 

He doesn't like fake eyelashes. So what? What does that prove? He said he doesn't think any girl would look nice in them. Are you sure you look good with them on?

 

Now I know that my boyfriend has a secret fetish for Oriental girls, so I went onto google images and found a picture of a Korean girl with fake lashes on. I sent it to him. "Not even her?" I asked. He wouldn't reply and kept avoiding the question, trying to change the subject.

 

This is such insecure behavior. Why wouldn't you drop it?

 

I persisted in asking, and what I got back from him was a picture of a bodybuilder/celebrity which he had found on google images along with the question "I can ask you then do you find this guy hot?" He sent me some more pictures of Hollywood actors. "Or these guys?" I found his reaction unnecessary since this wasn't a "hot or not?" quiz or competition.

 

Then why was it okay for you to ask him whether he would find the Asian girl with the fake eyelashes hot? He was only doing the same thing to you that you were doing to him.

 

All it told me was that he did find this girl hot, even though she was advertising fake lashes when according to him "no man would find me attractive in fake lashes".

 

I don't see why it told you this at all. Your reaction was just really annoying.

 

But that wasn't it yet. I was beginning to get annoyed at this and then he said "You think you're the hottest girl in the world or what?"

 

I can kind of see where he is coming from -- you seem to want him to believe you are the hottest woman in the world, and that no other women are even pretty. Weird.

 

I think breaking up with him was the right decision, so he can go find someone else, but you need to work on your self esteem.

[Grumpybutfun]

I don't know what your bf is or is not doing as your insecurity could be allowing you false conjecture, however, if this person is making you feel small and insignificant, it is time to end it. Obviously, you have had bfs before so if you feel his behavior is different from theirs, then this is your perception and it is eroding your self-esteem. Honestly, your sending photos and constantly asking him if you are attractive is considered nagging and annoying, so either move on to a more positive experience or stop. Insecurity is one of the most unattractive things anyone can project. You can't change him or his perceptions so stop making yourself crazy trying. Him checking out others, if obvious, is rude and disrespectful so he isn't a great bf. Your insecurity is hurting you, making you paranoid, aggravating and clingy. That is your sign that there is something about this boy and his actions that aren't helpful to you. Also, I don't know why you say he treats you like a Princess if there is such negativity in your relationship. Maybe you need to figure out what happy, healthy relationships look like, because healthy relationships don't turn girls into insecure nags.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the same I would say to my daughters...healthy relationships makes us feel boistered, admired, respected and valued in every way.

Good luck,

Grumps

[somedude81]

I may be completely wrong about this but the thought was still in my mind.

 

Sweeetie, are you overweight?

 

 

 

 

Also, one thing I want to point out is that this isn't the first thread you've made complaining about your boyfriend.

 

 

 

He loves me but isn't 'that' attracted to me? (This thread)

 

Boyfriend wants to leave me "for my good"??

 

 

Boyfriend never seems interested in what I say?

 

Boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend is hot- I'm jealous! :-/

 

When a guy has started to love you less, can you put the love back?

 

Boyfriend hates PDAs and this hurts sometimes?

 

My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful "only when I dress up for special occasions"?

[Sweeetie]

Sweeetie, are you overweight?

 

No............

[somedude81]

No............

 

OK, it was just a thought. It's my first guess when you said that he wasn't attracted to you and kept looking at other women.

 

Still, I hope you realize that you've made several other threads complaining about this guy.

 

That should be a sign to you that something isn't quite right about your relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Consider his behaviour for a moment. He openly checked out other women in front of you. He tried to get you to be his wing at a club to get other girls. And you stayed why? Now consider your behaviour - You didn't like the way he treated you, yet you didn't walk away. Ask yourself why you didn't.

 

Skimming through your past threads, it's easy to see there's a problem with the dynamic in the relationship. You seem to believe yourself to be unattractive and for some reason you are seeking out examples and behaviour that confirm this. You are part of the problem in manufacturing this chaos, OP. From his perspective, you like come across as a nag and desperately insecure. It is draining to constantly reassure someone you are attracted to them. If he's doing things that damage your self-esteem, you should walk away. But always look inward and probe why you tolerated that from him until now.

[Gaeta]

My advice is stay broken up

 

Relationships are hard, they take time, efforts and compromise. If a man cannot make you feel beautiful and wanted than it's not worth investing all this time and efforts in him. Your boyfriend is a first class jerk. You are a woman with a lot of insecurities so why do you date an ignorant and inconsiderate a-hole like this? You are insecure and he is making it worse with his disrespectful comments.

 

My best friend is like you. She looks down on herself and her boyfriend tells her the most cruel comments about her body and her looks. His excuse is he is being honest Fkin BS! He enjoys putting her down because more he belittles her, more she loses her self-esteem less chances she will look for another man. She came to the point to believe no other man will want her. So, you are young, get out of that relationship before it happens to you and you find yourself old, alone and destroyed.

[Emilia]

I knew him for 5 months before we got together, during which time I liked him but he wasn't interested in me at all; he would often hit on other girls when we were out with friends and even asked me to be his wing when we went clubbing to help him get girls.

I wouldn't have dated him in your shoes. While attraction can and does grow gradually, it's clear that for substantial amount of time he treated you as a friend. Men will date women they aren't that into. I think your instinct is correct.

 

However, the rest of your post isn't that conclusive, it seems more about your insecurity than anything he has done wrong. The thing is, neediness errodes a man's attraction towards a woman regardless. It works the other way round too.

[Standard-Fare]

I was on your side until I realized this fight was over fake lashes. That's a separate issue from your own beauty and attractiveness – they're an unnatural embellishment that you choose to put on. And it just so happens your boyfriend doesn't like them.

 

I do think your boyfriend's response was harshly phrased and unnecessarily cold, but he has a right to his opinion on fake lashes. (Just as you have the right to yours – along with the right to wear them even if your boyfriend's not a fan.) And you were definitely trying to stir the pot by sending him the pic of the "Oriental girl" with fake lashes.

 

However, without looking into your whole backstory it does seem like some deeper issues are going on there. And your boyfriend seems way too comfortable speaking to you with a completely disrespectful tone.

[MalachiX]

Complex issue.

 

It is possible to be in love with someone but lose your attraction for them. Usually this is because the other person has started to put less effort into their physical appearance by gaining weight, not dressing well, and not trying to show your their most attractive face (seriously everyone, can we all try not to fart and burp in front of our SOs?) It's also possible that some of these things may even be overlooked in the early part of a relationship. When you first start dating, your hormones are going to crazy that you can't help but get turned on by the other person. When that fades however, all the things you may not like about their appearance stand out (especially if they've started to let themselves go). I'm not saying this is right or wrong. It's just the nature of the beast.

 

HOWEVER, is you really care for someone then you owe it to yourself to try to fix the problem in a real way. I've had the issue where a woman I was seeing started to stop putting much effort into her appearance almost as soon as we started dating (I think because we were clicking so much and felt secure very fast). It grew increasibly bother-some to me so I decided to try to broach it in a polite way. I started focusing extra hard on dressing nice for her and ASKING what kind of things she found sexy. I also started working out more and asked her to do it with me (as it's great to have another person to remind you and keep you motivated). Since then things have improved somewhat. It's still not perfect but it's getting better and I'm in love with this woman so I don't mind that it might take a while for us to get in sync on how we present ourselves for each other.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with partners talking to each other and letting each other know what will help them stay attracted. I've been attracted to TONS of people but I've only clicked with a very small few. I'd rather try to make myself more attractive to a person I click with (and hope she does the same) than work find someone who is the epitome of sexiness but who I have nothing in common with and can't make laugh. Of course, there are limits to this. There are people who are so far from what I'd consider attractive that I think it would be pointless to even TRY be in a relationship with them but, if you got together with someone in the first place, there must have been some attraction there.

 

Now, as for your boyfriend, it seems the issue is more that he was surprisingly insensitive in how he described your lashes. I was recently in a similar case with my GF when she got a new pokkadotted dress. After a few times of her wearing it, and me saying nothing, she asked if she should wear it to a movie. I took the opportunity to say, "well, I should confess that while I think you're lovely, I honestly never liked pokkadots on anything." She laughed and said she liked it and would wear it anyway and I shrugged it off because it's not that big a deal to me (I don't own her). It actually made me feel good that I could be honest about not liking one certain style of clothing without hurting her feelings. She also wears a shade of lipstick which I honestly can't stand (just really hate that shade of pink) but I havn't told her because, once again, it's not that big a deal. I guess my point is that these things don't need to be so extreme and you guys can have different views on what looks attractive.

 

I think your boyfriend from being pretty rude in how he responded but I think you're sounding pretty insecure in how you assume this must mean he will never be attracted to you. We all have our pet peeves and those lashes just might be his.

 

My GF isn't a fan of white T-shirts but I'm sure she'd be more inclined to see one on Ryan Gosling than on me. That doesn't mean she doesn't think I'm attractive.

Edited June 3, 2014 by MalachiX

[justhadto]

OK, it was just a thought. It's my first guess when you said that he wasn't attracted to you and kept looking at other women.

 

Still, I hope you realize that you've made several other threads complaining about this guy.

 

That should be a sign to you that something isn't quite right about your relationship.

 

Wow,is that all you can think off...overweight? Smdh

[guest572]

Wow,is that all you can think off...overweight? Smdh

 

I know! What was that?

 

You did the right thing although I am not sure exactly what sort of advice you are seeking. You should be with someone who knows you ARE the hottest girl in the world and makes you feel like it! You are probably feeling extra hurt because of what has happened but i think after time passes and you meet worthy men and prove to yourself your attractiveness you will not need any validation from others.

[guest572]

By the way, i just came out of a 9 month relationship where I felt the same way due to bad sex life and he didn't make me feel wanted, and it destroyed my self esteem. Its been a few months since but i am feeling great about myself again.

[Sweeetie]

Thanks for your responses guys, I got back with him because we love each other soo much and just couldn't stay away from each other He is 95% perfect to me. But I am going to talk to him about omitting disrespectful comments to me in the future.

[Sweeetie]

I was on your side until I realized this fight was over fake lashes. That's a separate issue from your own beauty and attractiveness – they're an unnatural embellishment that you choose to put on. And it just so happens your boyfriend doesn't like them.

 

I do think your boyfriend's response was harshly phrased and unnecessarily cold, but he has a right to his opinion on fake lashes. (Just as you have the right to yours – along with the right to wear them even if your boyfriend's not a fan.) And you were definitely trying to stir the pot by sending him the pic of the "Oriental girl" with fake lashes.

 

 

Yes but the thing which hurt me wasn't really the fake lashes argument, but rather his "you think you're the hottest girl in the world or what?" comment. I just cannot believe a man could say something like that to his girlfriend.

Edited June 3, 2014 by Sweeetie

[stillafool]

Thanks for your responses guys, I got back with him because we love each other soo much and just couldn't stay away from each other He is 95% perfect to me. .

 

Of course you did!

[Natsume21]

Of course you did!

 

I know, right.

 

So much insecurity, so little time.

 

No relationship is going to last with this much insecurity.

[guest572]

He may omit future insulting comments but still think them? I cant believe a girlfriend would want to be with someone who could say something like that to her!

[Elle1975]

All the details of your conversations don't really matter. The bottom line is that his behavior is disrespectful. I suspect you have issues with your image to begin with, and he doesn't make you feel beautiful. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

I agree with the other poster, date men. I'd say grow up a little bit too. You seem a bit too involved in the "he said she said".

 

I had the same problem with an ex, so I can totally relate. I know it sucks. The guy in your life should make you feel sexy, and he should feel like a million bucks too.

[Sweeetie]

He may omit future insulting comments but still think them? I cant believe a girlfriend would want to be with someone who could say something like that to her!

 

You are right. He might keep quiet about it in the future, but he's made it clear as crystal what he thinks, and I'll never feel attractive when I'm in his presence again.

 

All the details of your conversations don't really matter. The bottom line is that his behavior is disrespectful. I suspect you have issues with your image to begin with, and he doesn't make you feel beautiful. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

I agree with the other poster, date men. I'd say grow up a little bit too. You seem a bit too involved in the "he said she said".

 

I had the same problem with an ex, so I can totally relate. I know it sucks. The guy in your life should make you feel sexy, and he should feel like a million bucks too.

 

Yes. If only everything else wasn't so perfect, it would be so much easier for me to leave a man who doesn't make me feel attractive. He's a guy who says exactly what he thinks, without considering how other people would take it. Honesty but at the price of my self-esteem

[guest572]

There are men out there who will be attracted to you. If a guy said this stuff to me, total deal breaker.

[Sweeetie]

Hey guys,

 

Haven't logged on here for some time, but thanks again for your contributions. Boyfriend and I were still together but yesterday when we were arguing about something silly (nothing to do with anything I've posted about) he sarcastically said "You really are every man's dream girl." It cut like a knife.

 

After that I really cannot be with him anymore.

 

Was very untimely this time because it's his birthday on Monday and I have many surprises arranged and spent a hell of a lot of money...I guess he doesn't deserve it. *sigh*.

Edited June 28, 2014 by Sweeetie