caca Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I could really need some advice. My ex broke up with me 3 months ago and we went no contact. A month ago I was weak, and texted him while drunk. He asked if we should meet up, and I was stupid enough to say yes. When we saw each other it was like being back together, we went straight into each others's arms and hugged and kissed for several minutes. He told me he'd thought about me, but had decided not to contact me (he is very proud and strict on principles), so he was glad I contacted him. We caught up over some beers, went home, had sex, cuddled like usual, he insisted on taking me back to my apartment and meet up with my friends there to help me move some stuff. After that we said goodbye, i.e. we did not discuss anything about our relationship or break-up. He texted later that day that it was nice seeing me again, and then he frequently initiated text conversations the next couple of weeks. It made me really confused. The meeting and sex really sparked up my emotions, and I was actually mad at him for texting me these nice things because HE broke up with me and should know that initiating contact again would be hurtful for me. Consequently, I panicked and texted him we should just be platonic friends, and he responded after giving it some thought that if we both could resist the attraction we could be friends. Eh, not the best foundation for friendship, I think. But I agreed and said that would be no problem for me. We've met three times after that (I had to get back some of my stuff) and it was really awkward. He was clearly nervous, I was too, and it is pretty obvious that I can't be friends with him. If he texts me I over-analyze, so I'm definitely not over him. I feel that we haven't really talked about what happened that evening or if he still has feelings for me, and I don't know at all if he agrees with the friendship-thing I forced on him without hearing his side of the story. Now my dilemma is, should I ask to meet him face to face and explain my reasoning for wanting to be friends in the first place and that now I know that this is not possible, so we should go no contact again? Or should I just ignore him and do the no contact thing? What would you do in my situation?
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 If you think seeing him again will land you back in bed & you don't want that, I think it's OK to fade away, no explanation required.
Author caca Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 If you think seeing him again will land you back in bed & you don't want that, I think it's OK to fade away, no explanation required. If we meet up to talk I'm 100% sure we wont end up in the bed. I just think that I could get closure easier if I talked to him about what happened. Otherwise, I'm afraid I will always wonder about that night and his intentions.
me85 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Haha, I WAS in your situation... Many times... With the same guy... For almost a year... (in fact, I also started a thread months ago titled "slept with ex feel so pathetic") I think your guy is confused. He may very well want you back and you just might have jumped the gun with the whole 'friends' thing. Cheese and rice just tell him how you feel! I'm totally against holding feelings in. There are exceptions to every rule but in your case, if you don't tell him how you feel you could really mess things up. Don't play games. YOU contacted HIM and didn't you say he said he was glad you did?? Y'all slept together and it sounds like you gave your guy some hope. I think you have confused the situation even more by sleeping with him (acting casual about it) then being in communication with him, then saying "let's just be friends." I did the same thing so many times, so I'm not bashing you at all. We should really consider everything before making decisions and when we do, we need to stick by them. Easier said than done, I know, but people will never take us seriously and fully respect us if we don't. Besides, we don't want to be wishy-washy like them (our exes) ! lol Good luck and keep us updated! I like this topic A LOT because I can relate!
Author caca Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Haha, I WAS in your situation... Many times... With the same guy... For almost a year... (in fact, I also started a thread months ago titled "slept with ex feel so pathetic") I think your guy is confused. He may very well want you back and you just might have jumped the gun with the whole 'friends' thing. Cheese and rice just tell him how you feel! I'm totally against holding feelings in. There are exceptions to every rule but in your case, if you don't tell him how you feel you could really mess things up. Don't play games. YOU contacted HIM and didn't you say he said he was glad you did?? Y'all slept together and it sounds like you gave your guy some hope. I think you have confused the situation even more by sleeping with him (acting casual about it) then being in communication with him, then saying "let's just be friends." I did the same thing so many times, so I'm not bashing you at all. We should really consider everything before making decisions and when we do, we need to stick by them. Easier said than done, I know, but people will never take us seriously and fully respect us if we don't. Besides, we don't want to be wishy-washy like them (our exes) ! lol Good luck and keep us updated! I like this topic A LOT because I can relate! Thanks for your post. I took a look at your thread, but have to say that from the looks of it it was not the happy ending I hoped it would be? I know he must think I'm super confusing, I certainly sent out a lot of mixed signals and so did he. Even if he wanted me back I don't know if it would be a good ideabecause he hurt me and could do it again, but at the same time I miss him. I know he still cares about me, as he texted a couple of days ago asking about how I was. But maybe it's just out of guilt. Argh, I don't know what to do, and the conflicting answers don't help
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 If we meet up to talk I'm 100% sure we wont end up in the bed. I just think that I could get closure easier if I talked to him about what happened. Otherwise, I'm afraid I will always wonder about that night and his intentions. Closure is a myth. You won't get what you seek from him. That night he had no "intentions" . You were there. He was horny. It happened. 3
me85 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Thanks for your post. I took a look at your thread, but have to say that from the looks of it it was not the happy ending I hoped it would be? I know he must think I'm super confusing, I certainly sent out a lot of mixed signals and so did he. Even if he wanted me back I don't know if it would be a good ideabecause he hurt me and could do it again, but at the same time I miss him. I know he still cares about me, as he texted a couple of days ago asking about how I was. But maybe it's just out of guilt. Argh, I don't know what to do, and the conflicting answers don't help You looked at my threads, huh? Oh brother. So you must be feeling really depressed now, huh? lol No it was not the happy ending I hoped for either. But as long as he and I aren't married to other people there is always a chance for us to be together again (If I wanted that-I don't know if I do anymore.) But try not to compare too much. My RS with my ex was way worse. I was a FOOL. Please provide more details about the RS if you don't mind. I'm guessing you lived together? How long were you together? What caused the BU? P.S. You create closure for yourself. It is not something provided to you by someone else. It's the same as happiness.
Author caca Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 You looked at my threads, huh? Oh brother. So you must be feeling really depressed now, huh? lol No it was not the happy ending I hoped for either. But as long as he and I aren't married to other people there is always a chance for us to be together again (If I wanted that-I don't know if I do anymore.) But try not to compare too much. My RS with my ex was way worse. I was a FOOL. Please provide more details about the RS if you don't mind. I'm guessing you lived together? How long were you together? What caused the BU? P.S. You create closure for yourself. It is not something provided to you by someone else. It's the same as happiness. Hehe, yeah well, every situation is different. But I guess that sometimes things get so complicated that you should just walk away, and I think that's what I need to do now but at other times I just want to ask him to go out for a cup of coffee and tell him how I feel. We actually didn't live together, and we dated for 1,5 years with a break in between and it was kinda complicated. Then he broke up and it was final as in we said goodbye for good, only until I got weak and texted him. 1
Author caca Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) So a little update. I decided to tell him, so I asked if we should meet up to get a cup of coffee a couple of days ago. He was really keen on that, and when we met everything was nice, funny, we joked, teased, he touched me, gave me compliments and stuff like that. We sat there for several hours, because he kept asking if he should get me more drinks. So I couldn't bring up the topic, I was really weak. It got late even though he had to work the next day and we ended the evening kissing in the rain, initiated by both of us, and yeah. Then we spent the night together, just as nice as ever. He was still giving compliments, kissing my forehead and neck in this sweet way he used to do, and in the morning we were just laying in the bed, him looking into my eyes. So yesterday I thought that I really have to tell him before I get hurt, though I more and more get the feeling that he's not about just sex. I asked if he'd like to have s short visit, but he was still tired from our night together and wanted to go to bed. Then I really messed up. Because I was so focused on getting it done, I told him in a text message that I had something to say and he probably knew what it was. Then he completely went silent for hours - the exact same reaction as one time before where I scared him and he thought I was going to break up. I got worried, texted him if he was OK, that I was sad that he didn't want to talk or hear me out. He went on and offline a couple of times, but didn't answer. Then I panicked and called him. It went to voicemail. He answered later. "Please don't be sad. Just don't. You're cool." - again the same reaction as the time where he thought I was breaking up. I wrote that the reason why I wanted to to talk was that I was afraid that I was about to get feelings for him and asked if that was what he didn't want to hear. He saw it but didn't reply. I was really upset, so in the night I sent him a long text elaborating on the reason why I wanted to talk even though he clearly didn't want to hear it, that I couldn't do the in between thing and that we should have no contact if he was still sure about the break-up. If he was having doubts I'd like to have talked about them. He read the message 10 minutes later, i.e. very late in the night, so he was obviously also affected/curious by this in a way that he didn't just go to bed early as planned. Now I feel so bad that I hurried into this instead of waiting until a time where we were face to face, but I'm glad I wrote the long message to him to get it off my chest. Now he knows why I'm not contacting him anymore. I'm also sad that he didn't want to talk and let me know what his feelings were. But I guess that I should move on now even though I really feel the urge to talk to him. I have a small hope that he'll contact me in the next couple of days, and that I'll be strong enough to not contact him anymore. Edited June 6, 2014 by caca
Rar0 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 If you think seeing him again will land you back in bed & you don't want that, I think it's OK to fade away, no explanation required. Totally agree
Emilia Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Now I feel so bad that I hurried into this instead of waiting until a time where we were face to face, but I'm glad I wrote the long message to him to get it off my chest. Now he knows why I'm not contacting him anymore. I'm also sad that he didn't want to talk and let me know what his feelings were. But I guess that I should move on now even though I really feel the urge to talk to him. I have a small hope that he'll contact me in the next couple of days, and that I'll be strong enough to not contact him anymore. Well it wasn't ideal but you told him and he read it so he knows. The thing is, you will meet a lot of people in your life who are wishy-washy about things, make the right decision too late, can't stick to resolutions, etc. It's not your fault and there is nothing you can do. If he doesn't come back to you then he is one of those. He has had enough chances to think things through and explain himself. Good luck, I hope it works out in a way that's best for you long term.
Author caca Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Well it wasn't ideal but you told him and he read it so he knows. The thing is, you will meet a lot of people in your life who are wishy-washy about things, make the right decision too late, can't stick to resolutions, etc. It's not your fault and there is nothing you can do. If he doesn't come back to you then he is one of those. He has had enough chances to think things through and explain himself. Good luck, I hope it works out in a way that's best for you long term. Thanks a lot, Emilia. That's also what gives me some sort of peace in my mind. It wasn't the ideal way to tell him, but at least now he knows and I done what I could. 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I hope OP comes back, I'm curious as to what happened here in the end!
me85 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 We've all been in your shoes. You did what you felt you had to do. I wouldn't worry so much about how it made him feel though.
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