Pushing Forward Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 I know the general consensus is that you can't be friends with an XAP. However, is there anyone here who has been able to do so? I think for most of us the best route is complete NC, but is it possible to move on and still remain friends? Thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 I have this same question. My xMM and I never actually slept together. It was an EA. I seriously miss at least being friends with him and I hope we can introduce that. Granted, I am still having feelings and I don't know when or if they will go away. Will I always be tortured? Will he be? Would he turn down the proposition for friendship? I just value him as a person, was a best friend and artistic inspiration. I value him like all of my other close friends, he is missed and it think I am willing to accept friendship only if he is willing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pushing Forward Posted June 2, 2014 Author Share Posted June 2, 2014 No, you can't. .... I know that's a generalization but you really need to go out and find your own male friends, boyfriends and appropriate single lovers instead of trying to steal the friendship and love of some unsuspecting married woman's husband. Summarized - Get your own [wonderful] life. I truly wish you well. Thank you for your insight. Just to be clear, my OM is divorced and I'm the one still in a M. I wasn't specifically asking just for myself, but wondered if there were others who had done it somewhat successfully. I'm not trying to find any other boyfriends, or single lovers. Also, I'm curious, are you a BS, XOM, XOW? Just not sure your situation and what side your opinions/thoughts come from. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 I know the general consensus is that you can't be friends with an XAP. However, is there anyone here who has been able to do so? I think for most of us the best route is complete NC, but is it possible to move on and still remain friends? Thoughts anyone? I was able to transition out the emotional romantic attraction in MC and indeed did become a friend of my fOW's relationship, to the point of contracting with her BF's business and offering her support and encouragement in her relationship. In the end, I think she picked the best guy for her and cannot summon any ill will or negative feelings at this time. We had plenty of opportunities and the cards just weren't right for us in the life partnership game. I hope she continues to be content and happy in her life. She certainly earned it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pushing Forward Posted June 2, 2014 Author Share Posted June 2, 2014 I was able to transition out the emotional romantic attraction in MC and indeed did become a friend of my fOW's relationship, to the point of contracting with her BF's business and offering her support and encouragement in her relationship. In the end, I think she picked the best guy for her and cannot summon any ill will or negative feelings at this time. We had plenty of opportunities and the cards just weren't right for us in the life partnership game. I hope she continues to be content and happy in her life. She certainly earned it. Did her BF know of her A with you? I guess if no one knows, it's easier to stay friends than if you actually had a DDay. Link to post Share on other sites
tornado Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 No, you can't be friends with an ex-lover. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 Did her BF know of her A with you? I guess if no one knows, it's easier to stay friends than if you actually had a DDay. Sure, he knew, as did my exW (know about my history with her) before I married her, since our interaction spanned multiple decades. Hence, with no 'secrets', it was easy to assess and view interactions with full information, allowing healthy decisions to be made. IMO, it was 'finished business' which allowed us to be 'just friends'. In the past, with unfinished business, there would have been no way I could be 'friends', so I didn't try rather said goodbye. Now, it's really no different than being friends with my exW and her BF. I don't love the women 'that way' anymore and never will again so any interactions regarding mutual friends/interests, etc is simply on the platonic level, like with any other female friends, which I've had many of over the decades. Everyone processes relationships differently so there will necessarily be different outcomes and feelings regarding such relationships. IMO, no one size fits all. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucygolds Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 I know that there is no way that I could every be just friends with my exMOM. It would hurt too much..... Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 It really depends on the two of you. I am friends with almost every former lover I have ever had. There is no real set reason why you can't. People may have theories or express their own personal feelings about it, but that doesn't really mean much. Link to post Share on other sites
Foreways Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 It really depends on the two of you. I am friends with almost every former lover I have ever had. There is no real set reason why you can't. People may have theories or express their own personal feelings about it, but that doesn't really mean much. I agree with the above to a degree and depending on your circumstances. I'm currently in NC with my married FWB and as we work together and chances of our paths crossing are high and we'd still have the same friendship and could probably exchange friendly messages but the problem is that that would start leading down the rabbit hole again and suddenly the cycle starts to repeat itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 It really depends on the two of you. I am friends with almost every former lover I have ever had. There is no real set reason why you can't. People may have theories or express their own personal feelings about it, but that doesn't really mean much. DID you Ask your spouse what it means to them for you to have continued friendships with xLovers? And if you are TRULY happy in your marriage, relationship, why is it of importance to you to have friendly relationships with xLovers? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I agree with the above to a degree and depending on your circumstances. I'm currently in NC with my married FWB and as we work together and chances of our paths crossing are high and we'd still have the same friendship and could probably exchange friendly messages but the problem is that that would start leading down the rabbit hole again and suddenly the cycle starts to repeat itself. Is your SO, spouse aware of this? How would you feel if your lover/spouse had these feelings towards her FWB/co-worker? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 No, you can't. First, it's incredibly disrespectful to all the other spouses involved. To ask them to be OK with your friendship is very hurtful and to continue it in secret is hurtful AND just a continuation of the secret affair. If the spouses don't know and you've never had a d-day there's no way to just be friends. It's just too easy for the MM to talk you into bed again and further rob you of a life without him. You're just prolonging your agony. Second, neither of you will truly forget and thus it will continue to be emotionally binding, restrictive, confining, hurtful to one or both of you to continue contact. You'll be robbing tomorrow and the friendships, relationships, etc. you could have to honor some destructive friendship you had in the past. There's truly no going back. If you were friends, you destroyed that friendship by becoming illicit lovers. Hopefully you can move on to more appropriate healthy relationships and look back and say "what was I thinking???". Keep him/her in your life and you may never get there. Your affair was soul sickening, hurtful, destructive to many including yourselves…why hold on to anything from that? It's done. Third, there's always the risk of it starting again. Maybe that's what you think you want or maybe it's the furthest thing from your mind but staying in 'friendship" with him/her will just prolong the inevitable awkward moment where one of both of you want to have secret destructive hurtful sex again. Fourth, it'll keep you pining for him hoping his marriage ends or his wife dies or something instead of aggressively pursuing healthy relationships with available persons. If that happens, maybe he'll seek you out but then you can start a NEW relationship on a solid foundation of truth and you'll be free to consider it without the emotional confusion surrounding an illicit affair. In other words, you'll be able to probably reject him because once you are thinking rational you'll see him as a pathetic cheater versus your soulmate. Consider that perhaps the saddest life of all is the never married childless apartment living cat hoarding OW sneaking into the funeral of her MM. I know that's a generalization but you really need to go out and find your own male friends, boyfriends and appropriate single lovers instead of trying to steal the friendship and love of some unsuspecting married woman's husband. Summarized - Get your own [wonderful] life. I truly wish you well. Brilliant Post! Bottom line: I am madly in love with someone. They want to remain friends with a former lover while in a loving relationship with me. Married, single.....thinking hard on it.... I think NOT. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoftViolin Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Sure you can, but is it worth it? If you still have feelings for this man, ask yourself if that's really the friendship you need, or a window into his life. Is he happy? Does he think about you? Was he really your friend during the A portion of your relationship? Do you think it will be the same now that the physical aspect is gone? Or will you feel empty knowing that this semblance of friendship is all you have left? I hope it's ok that I am listing so many questions, but I had to ask myself those at a point. I found out that the "friendship" is not really a friendship. But whatever it is, it is painful, at times degrading, and it encroaches on all the hard work you have done to separate yourself from that person. It brings you back to the familiar corners, and from there you see that they are still the same, that nothing ever changes. And you feel like a fool for hoping it would. I am speaking for myself, of course, but if you allow, I will give you this advice. If you are truly done and over this man, if there isn't a secret part of you that wishes for a different ending, and you really miss your friend, then do it - reach out. Otherwise, hold off. Talk to friends, talk on here, make other real and virtual friends and trust the fact that nothing good will come from friendship with an ex you still have feelings for. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I know the general consensus is that you can't be friends with an XAP. However, is there anyone here who has been able to do so? I think for most of us the best route is complete NC, but is it possible to move on and still remain friends? Thoughts anyone? Does the spouse know? That's really the key question - does the spouse, knowing the full truth, allow it? IF so, then MAYBE. I would argue many years has to pass - and even then its a red flag - simply because an xAP, as opposed to an xBF/xGF or ex-lover, was not cocooned in a shroud of lies, deceit and secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 It's not about you or what you want. Wasn't it selfish enough to betray your spouse or partner. Now you are worried about doing it again. Are you going to tell BS you are still in a relationship with AP or just keep lying? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 It really depends on the two of you. I am friends with almost every former lover I have ever had. There is no real set reason why you can't. People may have theories or express their own personal feelings about it, but that doesn't really mean much. I can see this, but here is where I think the difference is.... I don't think you can stay friends with someone that threatens your current relationship. In the case of remaining friends with someone that with whom you engaged in an affair, it is obvious that remaining friends with them would pose a threat to either your existing relationship or theirs. If you are single and want to remain friends with a former affair partner, you really have to determine why you want to do so (as others have posted). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) No. Although we did try at a regular relationship, but even after that didn't work, we have not remained friends. If your exMM is still married and reconciling, how can they remain friends with their exOW? Like how do you imagine that working out? And no secret friends isn't real friendship. Why did your A end? Did you or he end it? I'm sure some people whose As aren't discovered may probably try being friends but especially if there is a dday and also if the MP is serious about reconciling, there is no room for friendship in that equation. The good news though is: once you practice NC and genuinely try to move on the friendship question becomes less and less important. I find that the only people who care about being friends are those newly out of the A or any break up so they are still clamoring to have some type of relationship with this person...but with time and perspective, even if you admit you liked them as a person, you lose the overwhelming desire to be friends. Edited June 3, 2014 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jesienna31 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 This is what I just heard from someone...If you try to be friends you're keeping alive the mechanisms of unconscious denial that your sexual affair is over. Even trying to see his face is going to conjure up the ghosts of all the heightened romantic&sexual feelings that are extra-powerful because they are intensified by contrast with the GUILT and FEAR of LOSS feelings that surround them like barbed-wire fences... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 But I am friends with most of my exes. Why can't this work? And I don't want to hear about the morality of being friends with someone who you once had a secret with. I mean the reality of just discarding the affair mistake and starting over as friends? Not possible? Link to post Share on other sites
Awake Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I would think that it would be like any other relationship, provided that there was no dday. If you both mutually ended the affair because of incompatibility, then why not. However, if one ended it and the other didn't want to, or if there was a dday, then no way, it would possibly cause too many problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedMarriedOW Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I would think that it would be like any other relationship, provided that there was no dday. If you both mutually ended the affair because of incompatibility, then why not. However, if one ended it and the other didn't want to, or if there was a dday, then no way, it would possibly cause too many problems. Sigh. No, it wasn't ended because of incompatibility, it was just guilt on his end, and me going crazy from him feeling guilty all the time lol. I guess that is incompatibility? Owell. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 I'm sure it is because I am a bs, I just do not get why someone who encourages you to lie and deceive friend material. This person had assisted you in hurting your spouse, your marriage, your kids. How is that friendship. The people I consider friends call me out on my shyt and encourage and nurture all that help me to be my best. Link to post Share on other sites
lovesick1 Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 Nope. I've tried with all of my girlfriends and it's always ended with either 1) repeated cycles of hooking up, getting back together, breaking up, or 2) one of us tries to initiate contact and the other never responds Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 3, 2014 Share Posted June 3, 2014 No, you can't be friends with an ex-lover. That's not true at all. I'm friends with several of my ex-lovers, including an ex-fiance. And I mean totally platonic, no interest in anything even remotely sexual or romantic. Link to post Share on other sites
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