I don't want him having contact with ex

[GoreSP]

How many topics on this forum do you think are related to SO's keeping in contact with their ex's or "friends" / flings?

 

Lets see, looks like there's a fairly new one here too:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/479711-texting-ex-boyfriend-whilst-your-company

 

I'm pretty sure the majority of people are not ok with it. It's disrespectful to your current partner and the relationship.

 

Here's a good read: The Rules of Opposite Gender Friendships | Foundation Restoration

 

Oh, well if the majority of people are not ok with it…

My bad.

 

[missmiss123]

I think you made what we call a "Freudian slip" there, Iguanna.

 

And for all the people who just can't understand how a relationship can change from a romantic one into a close, platonic friendship, just because you're not mature enough to do it, doesn't mean nobody is.

 

Do you go into every relationship thinking "Either this person and I are going to get married or else I will NEVER speak to them again, they are dead to me and that's that?"

 

That's like saying to your partner "I care about you ONLY as long as we have this particular type of relationship. If that ends, I have no more use for you whatsoever." That's not truly caring about them at all, that's using them for what you can get out of them. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who thinks like that.

 

And that's the honest truth about relationships.... you can't deny it. Doesn't mean you can't care about them, it just means that you will not have contact with them and they will no longer be part of your future.

[GoreSP]

They were on and off for about 5 years, but they broke up about 1.5 years ago. We've been together for 6 months, and from the day we met, he talked her up, and saying how he wants to keep in touch with her, maybe catchup for coffee. Slowly, he did start to comprise and now finally he has accepted that I want him to have NO contact whatsoever with her or her family, but it took so many fights and arguments, and hopefully this is the last one.... for me, it really is the last straw, I just hope this topic doesn't come up again. You know how some couples fights over the same **** again and again, this is one of it for us, the same **** over and over again.... excuse my language!

 

Ok so I just read this post. He DID accept to have no contact with his ex and her family but you're still being pissy about it?

 

*facepalm

[missmiss123]

Ok so I just read this post. He DID accept to have no contact with his ex and her family but you're still being pissy about it?

 

*facepalm

 

After so many fights, yes he did.

 

But everytime he said no contact, he would always go back on his word... that's why I'm pissed.

 

I just hope that this time is for real.

[soccerrprp]

You're probably right about this. People have different expectations In relationships, and it's not necessarily right or wrong. You just need to find someone whose expectations are compatible with your own.

 

I would certainly agree with this. It's a matter of respect for the new person one is dating. It is absolutely reasonable to expect that such contact cease. It is also a little delusional by many to think that exes are "truly" JUST friends or even friends at all.

 

But, in the end, don't tolerate your bf/gf communicating with exes if that is objectionable to you. I cut off all ties with my exes though I truly feel we were just friends. It was easy as I assessed the situation and realized that, in fact, my exes and I are really not real friends and that my current gf did not like the idea that I remained in contact with women with whom I had sex with and very attractive.

 

In the end, having exes (bf or gf) as friends is simply another complication that is not necessary.

[Versacehottie]

After so many fights, yes he did.

 

But everytime he said no contact, he would always go back on his word... that's why I'm pissed.

 

I just hope that this time is for real.

 

 

yeah this is what i mean about a somewhat minor issue will become a major one. This kind of stuff will chip away at your trust for one another. If he continues his behavior but will take it underground & lie about it to avoid confrontation with you (and her! To tell her he is no longer allowed to talk to her it's a bit embarrassing), which IS a real issue. Once the lies start, then that's a real reason for things to fall apart. If you have the strength, find a way to let it go within reason. If he has feelings that you believe are strong enough for her that it is a real threat to your relationship, well then it's not the time to be with him anyway. It makes her more important than you to give her any importance in the two of yours relationship--exactly what you fear. You may drive yourself crazy with snooping on him and monitoring him to make sure now that he doesn't break his promise to you. You have to be willing to walk away if he handles HIS life in a way that is unacceptable and a threat to your relationship. You can voice your feelings but the choice of how he handles is his, which in turn will have you feel one way or another toward him (closer or wanting to walk away). Control will only work for so long and not pleasant for either of you.

 

I don't disagree with you. It's not cool and there's seems to be little reason to be in touch with an ex that didn't end amicably and 5 years of off and on, i doubt it ended any other way. But don't let the jealousy ruin what you have. Think big picture.

[ThatMan]

Keenly has the right idea...

 

Being a girlfriend is not a position of power and authority. Relationships are all about coming together to share great experiences. Choosing to be in an relationship does not somehow permit you control a man and change him on your whims. So while I'm sure nearly everyone will agree with you that his behavior is inappropriate, you're going about this the wrong way. I honestly think you won't be able to get any meaningful relationship off the ground if you walk into them with the expectation that being a girlfriend entitles you to hold power over your spouse.

 

Please read Setting Boundaries in Relationships, by Judy H. Wright.

 

What you're doing isn't okay. There's a far better way to go about expressing your concerns and addressing them. Getting pissed, fighting with him, tearing him down a notch, trying to control him... You're an incredibly toxic person and it isn't okay. Relationships are not about power and control over somebody else.

[Leeway Harris]

And that's the honest truth about relationships.... you can't deny it.

 

I can deny it, and indeed I am denying it, because for me, it isn't true.

[Keenly]

And that's the honest truth about relationships.... you can't deny it. Doesn't mean you can't care about them, it just means that you will not have contact with them and they will no longer be part of your future.

 

If any warm tried to slap handcuffs on me like this rather than trying to participate in an adultconversation I'd be gone faster than the argument could start.

[Keenly]

If any warm tried to slap handcuffs on me like this rather than trying to participate in an adultconversation I'd be gone faster than the argument could start.

 

Good thing my autocorrect just kills me at least 3 times a day.

[Keke1]

OP should've let her stance on that be known early. If you dont like the person you're dating being in contact with an ex(assuming no kids) then, if & when you ask and the first thing out of their mouth isn't I agree. Reconsider seeing that person. Some things should be asked upfront IMO. That's one. I don't have to deal with her and she doesn't have to deal with me.

 

Relationships are already tough enough. The worst part is we ignore obvious red flags for a cute face or nice body most of the time.

[Keke1]

After so many fights, yes he did.

 

But everytime he said no contact, he would always go back on his word... that's why I'm pissed.

 

I just hope that this time is for real.

 

Lol this is going to be a problem until you both get tired of each other

[DArtagnan2]

People that do the whole friends with ex's thing are simply not compatible with people who chose to leave ex's in the past, and vice versa.

 

Find someone who is on the same page as you.

 

why are they incompatible? Because one's mind gets in the way of what should be trust and a good relationship?

 

yeh, makes sense. I guess I won't be dating anyone who just "thinks" someone should not talk to their ex.

 

The list keeps getting longer.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

why are they incompatible? Because one's mind gets in the way of what should be trust and a good relationship?

 

Well I mean...if that's how you want to phrase it then sure. Jesus, trust is not some sacrosanct covenant one must fully adhere to 100% of the time. In fact, you're taking an overly simplistic view of "trust" within a relationship. Trusting someone does not mean you're 100% okay with every little thing that they do.

 

Those two groups of people are incompatiable because they hold two fundanmentally different beliefs in regards to a subject that directly effects their relationship. That's like saying a couple who completely disagree on whether they should have children are still perfectly compatible because all else is great. Eventually those differing views will need to be addressed and at least one of them won't be happy with the outcome

 

 

yeh, makes sense. I guess I won't be dating anyone who just "thinks" someone should not talk to their ex.

 

The list keeps getting longer.

 

Do what you want, but see how you like dating a girl who thought it was outrageous to the point of disrespect that you remain in contact with your exes and became increasing hostile if you chose to continue to do so.

[DArtagnan2]

Well I mean...if that's how you want to phrase it then sure. Jesus, trust is not some sacrosanct covenant one must fully adhere to 100% of the time. In fact, you're taking an overly simplistic view of "trust" within a relationship. Trusting someone does not mean you're 100% okay with every little thing that they do.

 

Those two groups of people are incompatiable because they hold two fundanmentally different beliefs in regards to a subject that directly effects their relationship. That's like saying a couple who completely disagree on whether they should have children are still perfectly compatible because all else is great. Eventually those differing views will need to be addressed and at least one of them won't be happy with the outcome

 

Do what you want, but see how you like dating a girl who thought it was outrageous to the point of disrespect that you remain in contact with your exes and became increasing hostile if you chose to continue to do so.

 

You obviously have some real emotion towards this otherwise the snarky attitude from your message wouldnt have to be because I wonder why this is such a big deal for some. If we all really want to step back and be honest with ourselves, how many times would we think that someone is a little un-trustful of something, whether that be with their partner or something within them that has happened to them to make them feel that way, because they try to control who their partner talks to, whether an ex, a friend or co-worker that may be female, and so on. I dont know, but I have read many people say the total opposite than whats said in this thread in these situations.

 

having a difference of opinion in whether someone wants children or not is nothing compared to having a difference of opinion because someone reaches out once and awhile to say hi or receive a call / text from someone or their families they were with in the past. Same as two people having a difference of opinion on drugs, abuse, narcissism, control, anger and a lot more serious issues that come in to play then someone just talking to an ex or their family once and awhile.

 

If I was dating someone and they got really hostile because I got a Happy Thanksgiving text, email or card from someone I dated int eh past, then you are right, I wouldn't like it nor would I think that person has all the lug nuts on their wheels to react in such a hostile manner when I have showed her nothing but my commitment and feelings towards her. I, at the risk of being slammed more, find that to be a little over the top behavior.

[Haydn]

He is with you not his ex. Friends with many ex's. Don't draw attention to it all the time. Good luck.

[hestheone66]

Here we have an example of a woman trying to change a man. He was like this the VERY first day you met. Now you demand he stop? Just leave if its that big of a deal

 

 

I shudder to think of what you will demand he do / give up next, simply because you demand and expect him to go along with it.

 

 

You view the girlfriend position as one of power, when that's not what it grants you .

 

I totally agree (and i'm a girl)

 

OP, your first post asked if your were being unreasonable.. some people have agreed that you are, and some have said that you are not.

 

The interesting point is that when you first met him, he said he was always going to want to have his ex in his life.. if you have developed insecurities (or always had them) that is your problem. The ONLY person who can make you happy is yourself.. don't ever make other people responsible for your happiness.

 

You have said that you don't handle your ex relationships in the same way and that once it is over, you cut all ties.. and that is great for YOU. This man is obviously different from you and it is unfair for you to put your standards on him. You have a basic incompatibility.

It really doesn't sound like he's the one for you and trying to control him and make him responsible for your feelings .

 

I'm making this clear that there is NO one right way to do this. Different people have different standards as to how to manage it.

 

My ex (not the toxic one) vets his new girlfriends based on whether they would be OK with us still hanging out from time to time., because one of his exes made his life miserable due to her controlling him regarding keeping contact with me (yes, we are totally platonic) and yes... she is now his ex as he chose a friendship with me, over a relationship with his GF (they were together 2 years)

 

His new and accepting GF loves and adores me like family and my BF feels the same way about my ex.. so it shows that sometimes bonds and connections from our past continue to be significant.. and maybe becoming friends with her yourself could be a compromise that would make him feel comfortable and happy (the thing you want him to do for you)