Sunfire73 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I had the same issue with my bf although not as major as yours. First was his ex gf. They were fb friends. He broke up with her 1 yr ago, but they remained fb friends. Lately I noticed her just liking most of my bf's posts. So I told him that it made me uncomfortable and bothered me, so I asked him nicely if he can unfriend her. They don't have any secret contacts, or whatsoever and he didnt really care about her, So he did unfriend her. He listened to me and my concerns and granted my request. Next is his exwife. She has been contacting her, not that much, but still they do. They have kids, and that is fine, but when she just contacts him out of the blue for nothing or just personal issues, I again told him, I was uncomfortable with it. Since he is planning to file for primary custody of his kids, he just reassured me, that after this, there won't be anymore reason for her to contact him again. She can just contact the kids directly. So if your boyfriend cares about you, he will try to understand you and work with you to ease your concerns. If not he is definitely not over his ex.
Keenly Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I'm really starting to question your views about relationships based on your posts the last couple of weeks. Agreed OP is coming across demanding....but nobody should ever "roll over" - you make it sound so black and white. Its NEVER black and white. I wasn't the one who made it black and white, she is. She expects him to stop simply because it bothers her. This can translate into other aspects of the relationship. Soon it becomes an expectation that he conforms whenever she demands. I've lived it. If the dude is faithful, and the conversation isn't inappropriate and they don't hang out, I don't see what the problem is, other than a desire, whether conscious or subconscious, to control who he talks to because she is jealous. As for my view on relationships, I think they are great. I look around at the dynamics of relationships these days though, and they make my head spin, the ridiculous things people put up with or the crazy situations people create for themselves. Most of what I see is take take take, from one side or the other, and it makes me wonder why people let others walk all over them. Especially the ones that last years. 2
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 As for my view on relationships, I think they are great. I look around at the dynamics of relationships these days though, and they make my head spin, the ridiculous things people put up with or the crazy situations people create for themselves. Well, I do agree with you on this. Keeping an ex or someone that was not truly a platonic friend of the opposite sex around while expecting to make a new relationship work is pretty ridiculous and self destructive.
Keenly Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Well, I do agree with you on this. Keeping an ex or someone that was not truly a platonic friend of the opposite sex around while expecting to make a new relationship work is pretty ridiculous and self destructive. Which is why instead of demanding the other person change, you just go find your own happiness. 2
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Give him some time and control him a bit for a couple of months. If he does it again, he will show that his ex is more important for him than you are and you have every right to consider leaving him. WHAT!? 2
GoreSP Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I agree with Gaeta: I'm friends with everyone in my exes family because they're awesome and they think my ex is an idiot for dumping me LOL. My current BF knows this. We all hang out (minus the ex), I bring my BF. In no way am I friends with my ex nor do I want to be. Well, not all exes are idiots.... Personally I would be more than happy to be friends with my ex and we actually were for a while. Until his new girlfriend demanded that he stops talking to me. It took him a while to give in but he eventually did. If it weren't for her, we would be actually be very close.
GoreSP Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I can see that there will always be people with different perspectives. I never remain friends with exes, for me that's too emotional and I don't see a need for it. I am seemingly abit OTT and controlling, but I feel that is only because I have expressed my feelings to him numerous times and every time he says he understands, he obviously doesn't. Maybe this time he can see my perspective, and will keep his promise to have no contact. I'm glad that there are people who do agree with me and think that if the girlfriend feels comfortable with his actions, then he won't do it. For instance, if I was chatting to a hot friend, if he felt uncomfortable with it, I will respect his wishes and stop. Thing is, from what you wrote, you didn't express your feelings. You flat out demanded he stops talking to her There is a difference... 4
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Which is why instead of demanding the other person change, you just go find your own happiness. It's not demanding or controlling to request that someone stop inappropriate behavior for a relationship to work. It's about respect. No one can truly control another person. It's not about just one person, or the other. When two people are together it's about what is best for the relationship. Then you have people that like to throw around the "trust" card. Trust is earned, not given. Anyone that insists on keeping their past around is most likely the one that doesn't trust the new relationship. It's projection. 3
DArtagnan2 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 It's not demanding or controlling to request that someone stop inappropriate behavior for a relationship to work. It's about respect. No one can truly control another person. It's not about just one person, or the other. When two people are together it's about what is best for the relationship. Then you have people that like to throw around the "trust" card. Trust is earned, not given. Anyone that insists on keeping their past around is most likely the one that doesn't trust the new relationship. It's projection. whats' inappropriate? him talking to her folks or her and keeping in contact with people who were good to him and helped him out before? I just don't understand the black and white of it. There are ex's that you don't keep in touch with, but not every ex is "that" ex. There has to be some trust given to each in a relationship. 5
GoreSP Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 It's not demanding or controlling to request that someone stop inappropriate behavior for a relationship to work. It's about respect. No one can truly control another person. It's not about just one person, or the other. When two people are together it's about what is best for the relationship. Then you have people that like to throw around the "trust" card. Trust is earned, not given. Anyone that insists on keeping their past around is most likely the one that doesn't trust the new relationship. It's projection. Thing is - from what was posted here - there is no inappropriate behaviour. They are just friends and they do what friends do. Personally, I find someone who wont' be friends with their ex just because it's their ex and trash talk them is a red flag. It just shows me what will happen to me should the relationship not work out. It takes emotional stability to be able to remain friends with an ex though... 2
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Thing is - from what was posted here - there is no inappropriate behaviour. They are just friends and they do what friends do. Personally, I find someone who wont' be friends with their ex just because it's their ex and trash talk them is a red flag. It just shows me what will happen to me should the relationship not work out. It takes emotional stability to be able to remain friends with an ex though... Who said anything about trash talking? There is really no good reason to be FRIENDS with your ex. Acquaintance? Possibly.
MissBee Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 You have every right to feel uncomfortable. Giving him ultimatums and expressing this to him with a sense of entitlement, ummm no. He really needs to let go of his past from where I'm sitting. Step one is to let him know that if he wants to be with you, he has to understand that his contact with his ex and her family makes you uncomfortable and you won't be in a relationship where you are uncomfortable or made to feel like your second best, to his ex, of all people (not sure if thats how you truly feel - just threw it in for effect). THEN, You have 2 options: 1) If he decides on his own to stop - without you babysitting him and looking over his shoulder - then great. You have a chance at a great future. 2) If he continues to keep in contact, he has unresolved feelings and YOU need to pick up and go. You cant change him. you can only control YOU. Well said. The issue is the fact that his ex-gf is that present in his mind and life and that he really wants to be in her life. Asking him not to contact her doesn't change his real feelings though...so the bigger issue for me is that you may be dating a man who is not over his ex or she is "the one that got away" in his mind, and you're second best, and if that is the case, you trying to control his communication with her is pointless, as why would you want to be with someone who feels that way? How can you feel secure if it is something he is forced to do and not something he naturally wants to do? It's also probably not sustainable if it isn't his actual decision. That would be my response. I haven't had a serious relationship with anyone where their ex was an issue. My last bf's ex was his ex-wife and mother of his child and they had a friendly relationship and it didn't bother me as it was clear it was only friendly and mostly for the sake of parenting. He didn't "talk her up" or go on and on about how wonderful she was, so it was clear to me that he had no romantic feelings for her. Your feelings of insecurity are obviously being fueled by the fact that your bf's ex isn't at all in his past, but very much a fond part of his present...THAT is what you should be worried about IMO. And again, forcing him to stop contacting her is not addressing the problem, as the problem is, why would you need to force this if things were as they should be? Are you settling for a relationship with a man who is longing for his ex and you're just a replacement but she's still "the one" in his eyes? 3
Keenly Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Who said anything about trash talking? There is really no good reason to be FRIENDS with your ex. Acquaintance? Possibly. So you are going to take YOUR veiw that there is never a reason to keep in touch, and then you are going to superimpose that onto everyone else because thats how you think? Not everyone is like you. The way some one goes about something means everything. The way she is going about this issue, demanding he stop , rather than expressing feelings, makes a world of difference. Its akin to a husband berating his wife for being fat rather than encouraging her to do healthier and more active things with him. 1
Sunfire73 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I'm not close friends to any of my exes. There is just no reason to. I have enough friends. I tried to be friends with one ex, but I just can't do it. They are supposed to remain in the past. Once the relationship is over, you just have to move on. But that's just me. I do still have contact with my ex in laws, but more like acquaintances. 2
Keenly Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I'm not close friends to any of my exes. There is just no reason to. I have enough friends. I tried to be friends with one ex, but I just can't do it. They are supposed to remain in the past. Once the relationship is over, you just have to move on. But that's just me. I do still have contact with my ex in laws, but more like acquaintances. Does it higher you that two rational adults would be able to put the relationship firmly in the past, yet maintain a friendship?
Iguanna Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 WHAT!? I mean, check if he is keeping NC with his ex.
Leeway Harris Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I mean, check if he is keeping NC with his ex. I think you made what we call a "Freudian slip" there, Iguanna. And for all the people who just can't understand how a relationship can change from a romantic one into a close, platonic friendship, just because you're not mature enough to do it, doesn't mean nobody is. Do you go into every relationship thinking "Either this person and I are going to get married or else I will NEVER speak to them again, they are dead to me and that's that?" That's like saying to your partner "I care about you ONLY as long as we have this particular type of relationship. If that ends, I have no more use for you whatsoever." That's not truly caring about them at all, that's using them for what you can get out of them. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who thinks like that.
Versacehottie Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Ok OP this is a very tough one. While I agree that you are right to feel the way you do, what you do about it is another matter altogether. My advice is for the time being RISE ABOVE IT. Even if it takes all your will power. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith that your guy's intentions are good and he is exactly where he wants to be with you. And nurture that, rather than try to control potential threats. I think many times giving that issue any sort of attention gives it power that it never really had, ie you make contact with a ex-gf an issue when it was a minor one at best and it will become a major one. Potentially the causing the destruction of your relationship. The exercise in rising above it will teach you something. That you can't control what the other person does--only how you feel about it and what you do about it. You will be able to reassess in a while if what he is doing is truly disrespect to your relationship and if his feelings for her have not subsided enough that you cannot build a good one with him. I think men (and women!) when given an ultimatum tend to dig their heels in. You're essentially challenging him, in terms of how he lives his life and if he is trustworthy. If you stop threatening or challenging him on this point, many times that's all it takes. Act like it doesn't bother you. Sit back and watch what he does. He knows where you stand on it so back off and see how he decides to deal with. 5 years of on and off is not a great track record if it reassures you at all. I'm going to guess that part of the reason they were on and off were ALSO reasons of control and the partners challenging one another. You are perfectly set up that have the opportunity to be the opposite of that. Don't let insecurity get the best of you. It's hard to say for sure but I don't think you are necessarily a rebound at all. Relationships are more fluid that a forgone conclusion with each person assessing how the other fits into their life and makes it better (or worse). Behave with confidence and trust until you are given a REAL reason not to and you will shine and take back the true power in the relationship. Nagging or complaining about issues such as yours is short term fix. Real power is the person who will be ok with or without the other--and then he will be more attached to you, ie no insecurity or desperation. Fake it til you make it. and I know it isn't easy. Good luck! 1
Sunfire73 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) Does it higher you that two rational adults would be able to put the relationship firmly in the past, yet maintain a friendship? Maybe as an acquaintance but not as friends that have regular contact. Staying too close with an ex is just too many troubles waiting to happen not just with you but with your bf/gf. But that's me, I keep my life simple and drama free. Out of sight out of mind. It's like if you've been healthy for a long time and still have junk food in your house. A friendship with an ex is easy to give up, but it's not easy to give up a good relationship with your current SO. You should not pick this battle. But I'm only saying this if you have establish a good relationship with your SO and you say how you feel about it rather than telling him what to do. Ultimately, he/she needs to make that decision for himself and you either accept it or not and walk away. Edited June 2, 2014 by Sunfire73 1
Joaquin Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 People that do the whole friends with ex's thing are simply not compatible with people who chose to leave ex's in the past, and vice versa. Find someone who is on the same page as you. 6
Leeway Harris Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 People that do the whole friends with ex's thing are simply not compatible with people who chose to leave ex's in the past, and vice versa. Find someone who is on the same page as you. You're probably right about this. People have different expectations In relationships, and it's not necessarily right or wrong. You just need to find someone whose expectations are compatible with your own.
Gottabestrong Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 People that do the whole friends with ex's thing are simply not compatible with people who chose to leave ex's in the past, and vice versa. Find someone who is on the same page as you. I agree with this. There is no general rights or wrong in this case. There are only individual right or wrongs. I don't think it is wrong to stay in touch with exes (in fact I am with most of my exes), but I dated men who did not like it. And while I reduced the contact with my exes (which was easy to do, because I don't live in the same country as them) I would not have agreed to completely cutting all contact with them to the point where I would not even be 'allowed' to reply to a 'Happy Birthday' message. Which might have been a deal-breaker for the men I dated, but luckily we did not get to that point. The question is, what is right to you and your boyfriend. If you don't agree (which seems to be the case here), the question becomes whether you can live with a compromise. Good luck! 2
Iguanna Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I think you made what we call a "Freudian slip" there, Iguanna. And for all the people who just can't understand how a relationship can change from a romantic one into a close, platonic friendship, just because you're not mature enough to do it, doesn't mean nobody is. Do you go into every relationship thinking "Either this person and I are going to get married or else I will NEVER speak to them again, they are dead to me and that's that?" That's like saying to your partner "I care about you ONLY as long as we have this particular type of relationship. If that ends, I have no more use for you whatsoever." That's not truly caring about them at all, that's using them for what you can get out of them. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who thinks like that. Maybe I did, or maybe I was just rushing to type this post and I didn't think about the correct word to use good enough (english is not my mother tongue). To the question you ask, I will tell you that after a certain age I stopped getting into a relationship with someone unless it was meant to be serious. I didn't have time to lose for emotionally unavailable men. I knew my goal and I was focused on it. Luckily I succeeded with the first try, but even if I need to do this again in my life (which I don't wish ), I will again only look for men who are interested in a serious relationship. A relationship is about both giving and taking. 1
GoreSP Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Who said anything about trash talking? There is really no good reason to be FRIENDS with your ex. Acquaintance? Possibly. I'm not talking about this case in particular but a lot of people trash talk their exes and I see that as a bad sign. So if YOU think there is no good reason to be friends with your exes, by all means, don't be friends with your exes. 1
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) I'm not talking about this case in particular but a lot of people trash talk their exes and I see that as a bad sign. So if YOU think there is no good reason to be friends with your exes, by all means, don't be friends with your exes. How many topics on this forum do you think are related to SO's keeping in contact with their ex's or "friends" / flings? Lets see, looks like there's a fairly new one here too: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/479711-texting-ex-boyfriend-whilst-your-company I'm pretty sure the majority of people are not ok with it. It's disrespectful to your current partner and the relationship. Here's a good read: http://foundationrestoration.org/2012/07/the-rules-of-opposite-gender-friendships/ Edited June 2, 2014 by marcjb 1
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