missmiss123 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Am I being unreasonable asking my boyfriend to have no contact with his ex or her family whatsoever? He doesn't agree but shouldn't he just respect my wishes because I am his girlfriend, his future, and he should make me feel comfortable?
Priv Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Am I being unreasonable asking my boyfriend to have no contact with his ex or her family whatsoever? He doesn't agree but shouldn't he just respect my wishes because I am his girlfriend, his future, and he should make me feel comfortable? Ummm... you can definitely let him know you are uncomfortable with it. But without the sense of entitlement (he should respect your wishes :S) and drama (you are his future, double :S). I agree with the making you feel comfortable in some way bit. 3
Author missmiss123 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 I know I may seem unreasonable to some people... I just feel that from the day I met him, the way he talked about his ex really annoyed me. He talked her up, how he wouldn't be where he is without her, how good she is, and the experiences they had together.... etc. They were together for 5 years. This topic has come up again and again, and every time, there is a new excuse.. for instance, I told him to not message her, and then he'll come back and say oh I just replied. Or oh I just said a thank you. And then the other day, the ex's mum messaged him and I just got so pissed, I just don't understand why she won't get out of his life. For me, I just feel that if he respected me, and truly wanted to make me happy, he would just accept it and move on. I mean, at the end of the day, what's the point of staying in contact with an ex or an ex's family? 1
veggirl Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Did she dump him? How long ago? Sounds like he's just not over her. Raving about an ex to a new gf just shows no consideration for your feelings. 3
Author missmiss123 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 They were on and off for about 5 years, but they broke up about 1.5 years ago. We've been together for 6 months, and from the day we met, he talked her up, and saying how he wants to keep in touch with her, maybe catchup for coffee. Slowly, he did start to comprise and now finally he has accepted that I want him to have NO contact whatsoever with her or her family, but it took so many fights and arguments, and hopefully this is the last one.... for me, it really is the last straw, I just hope this topic doesn't come up again. You know how some couples fights over the same **** again and again, this is one of it for us, the same **** over and over again.... excuse my language!
mammasita Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 You have every right to feel uncomfortable. Giving him ultimatums and expressing this to him with a sense of entitlement, ummm no. He really needs to let go of his past from where I'm sitting. Step one is to let him know that if he wants to be with you, he has to understand that his contact with his ex and her family makes you uncomfortable and you won't be in a relationship where you are uncomfortable or made to feel like your second best, to his ex, of all people (not sure if thats how you truly feel - just threw it in for effect). THEN, You have 2 options: 1) If he decides on his own to stop - without you babysitting him and looking over his shoulder - then great. You have a chance at a great future. 2) If he continues to keep in contact, he has unresolved feelings and YOU need to pick up and go. You cant change him. you can only control YOU. 4
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) Look, you flat out TELLING him not to message her or her family is controlling and liable to make him start pining for her (even more?). He is not a child and you are not his parent, you do not get to issue orders and commands and expect him to fall in line - unless you're into the doormat types. Not to be mean or rude but you come off seeming very entitled, haughty and selfish, especially in that you feel he should "just respect your wishes because you're his girlfriend". That makes zero sense. Being a girlfriend doesn't mean your boyfriend has to kowtow or simply do as you say because you say it. There is respecting a persons wishes (as in, taking them into thoughtful consideration) and then there's mindlessly catering to their every whim, no matter how imperious it is. Keep in mind that at the end of the day you are still JUST a girlfriend; not a wife or even a fiancee - not that being married would give you any more right to dictate his actions however. Anyway, rather than demanding he cut off all contact then getting mad when he "disobeys" your directives, try expressing to him in a mature, calm way how his actions make you feel and why you don't want him to have contact anymore. Try to get a logical explanation as to why he even feels a need to maintain this level of contact with not only his ex but her family as well. You have a right to be uncomfortable with the situation and maybe even a little upset, but you have no right to try and control his behavior. You can either accept it or move on. Edited June 2, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 5
GoreSP Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Well, what if he said that if you respected him and wanted him to be happy, you wouldn't demand that he lets go of his friends?
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I think your problems are bigger then just him talking to an ex and his family. A lot of people stay in touch with their ex's family but it's done in a respectful manner so no one is uncomfortable. In your situation you are so fed up with his undying admiration for his ex that you cannot even stand him talking to her mother. So, I feel the real issue is your boyfriend is not over his ex even if it's been 1.5 year that is the real problem. You can force him to stop contact with he and his family but it won't change the fact that he still has an undying admiration for her, he puts her on a pedestal, he feels he owes her something. You've been dating for only 6 months. I think it's a big rushing to be talking about a 'future' with this man, especially that all this time she is the one on a pedestal in his heart and not you. I think the next step is to tell him everything you've been telling us. Forget about telling him what to do. Just explain to him how that makes you feel and then ask HIM to find a solution. This way he is the one volunteering to change things and not you forcing him. 2
Iguanna Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 When you first went on a date with him and he was talking about his ex, did you ask him straight if he is still into her or if he hopes to go back to her? If you did and he denied it, then you have every right to be upset. You have to calmly tell him that you don't accept him having contact with his ex and that you require from him to delete her number, he facebook etc. If she contacts him, he should not reply or even tell her that he is not interested in contacting her anymore. Give him some time and control him a bit for a couple of months. If he does it again, he will show that his ex is more important for him than you are and you have every right to consider leaving him.
Iguanna Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Well, what if he said that if you respected him and wanted him to be happy, you wouldn't demand that he lets go of his friends? An ex is never a friend. 4
Keenly Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Here we have an example of a woman trying to change a man. He was like this the VERY first day you met. Now you demand he stop? Just leave if its that big of a deal. I shudder to think of what you will demand he do / give up next, simply because you demand and expect him to go along with it. You view the girlfriend position as one of power, when that's not what it grants you . 6
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Not contact at all is over the top. If he bumped into her out, you can't expect him to cross the street or be rude to her. Him reaching out to initiate contact with her should be curtailed & you are not unreasonable to ask for that. When you met, since he still talked about her all the time, I suspect he's not over her & despite the fact that you have been together 6 months, you are his rebound. Sorry. If 1.5 years after the broke up, her family is still part of his life, they have expectations. I'm still polite to EX's family's when I see them but I don't go out of my way to interact with them 2
GoreSP Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 An ex is never a friend. I obviously disagree but whatever...
mammasita Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I obviously disagree but whatever... I agree with Gaeta: A lot of people stay in touch with their ex's family but it's done in a respectful manner so no one is uncomfortable. I'm friends with everyone in my exes family because they're awesome and they think my ex is an idiot for dumping me LOL. My current BF knows this. We all hang out (minus the ex), I bring my BF. In no way am I friends with my ex nor do I want to be. 1
CaliGypsy Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 You might be able to talk him into no contact. However, if he still has feelings for her?You will never be able to out argue them. 1
Author missmiss123 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 I can see that there will always be people with different perspectives. I never remain friends with exes, for me that's too emotional and I don't see a need for it. I am seemingly abit OTT and controlling, but I feel that is only because I have expressed my feelings to him numerous times and every time he says he understands, he obviously doesn't. Maybe this time he can see my perspective, and will keep his promise to have no contact. I'm glad that there are people who do agree with me and think that if the girlfriend feels comfortable with his actions, then he won't do it. For instance, if I was chatting to a hot friend, if he felt uncomfortable with it, I will respect his wishes and stop.
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Here we have an example of a woman trying to change a man. He was like this the VERY first day you met. Now you demand he stop? Just leave if its that big of a deal. I shudder to think of what you will demand he do / give up next, simply because you demand and expect him to go along with it. You view the girlfriend position as one of power, when that's not what it grants you . This has nothing to do with changing a person. The guy's ex does not define who they are so it wouldn't be "changing a person". His behavior is inappropriate and insulting to missmiss123. The original poster's boyfriend obviously does not respect their current relationship. It's simply relationship commonsense. If someone is hung up on their past, and a person refuses to let go, they keep it around, the new relationship will never succeed. He is trying to have his cake, brownies, ice cream at an all you can eat buffet. It sounds like he would probably jump at the chance of getting back together with his ex if he gets the option to do so. 2
Leeway Harris Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Yes, people will have different perspectives. From my point of view, you are way overstepping your bounds. To me, it comes down to one question: Do you trust him or not? Has he told you that he's over his ex and just likes her as a friend now? You either believe him or you don't. If you believe him, then all this talk about "respect" and what he "owes" you because you're his "girlfriend" means nothing, and it's just a cover for your insecurities. Do you feel intimidated by this ex? Do you think she's better than you or something? I'm sure she's not. And if you don't believe him, then there's a lack of trust in the relationship and you should break up. If you're right, and he really does prefer his ex to you, then there's no reason for you to be together, and if you're wrong, then you need to let him find someone who can extend him the trust he deserves. I have a close friend who I used to date, and if woman felt threatened by that friendship it would be a huge red flag for me. For instance, if I was chatting to a hot friend, if he felt uncomfortable with it, I will respect his wishes and stop. See, I don't get this.. WHY?!? Why would you accept that your boyfriend doesn't trust you to hang around with certain people? Why wouldn't you be offended that he thinks you're going to cheat on him the second he turns his back? Are you worthy of his trust? Then you should expect to be trusted! 3
Author missmiss123 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 This has nothing to do with changing a person. The guy's ex does not define who they are so it wouldn't be "changing a person". His behavior is inappropriate and insulting to missmiss123. The original poster's boyfriend obviously does not respect their current relationship. It's simply relationship commonsense. If someone is hung up on their past, and a person refuses to let go, they keep it around, the new relationship will never succeed. He is trying to have his cake, brownies, ice cream at an all you can eat buffet. It sounds like he would probably jump at the chance of getting back together with his ex if he gets the option to do so. Yes, I feel that if your partner is not comfortable with you contacting an ex/ or any person (but especially ex's) then you should consider their feelings and stop.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I am friends with most all of the girls I have dated in the past, except for two. There are a couple that have helped me as well as their families treated me like a son, during those times. I will always keep in touch with them because they are good people and don't bring drama or negativity to my life. They want the best for me and totally treat me well still and have become my friends. He talks good about his ex and her family. Attributes a lot of where he is to them, I don't see anything wrong with that. I find it funny that if someone talks bad about their ex, thats a flag and that if they talk nice about their ex, that's a flag. I don't think there is a good median. You may not like he still talks about her or her family in a positive light, but the problem is more with your trust in general, then the fact they still talk. They have had over a year and a half to get back together, especially since they get along so well, before you came around and it didn't happen. It didnt and hasn't still happened. He is with you and has been with you, even with your lack of trust in him. Give him a break before you push him out the door. 1
Keenly Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Yes, I feel that if your partner is not comfortable with you contacting an ex/ or any person (but especially ex's) then you should consider their feelings and stop. So in other words, anytime anything ever happens that makes your partner uncomfortable, you should roll over and stop at the drop of a hat in order to please her. That's basically what I am hearing. You sound a little demanding.
mammasita Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 So in other words, anytime anything ever happens that makes your partner uncomfortable, you should roll over and stop at the drop of a hat in order to please her. That's basically what I am hearing. You sound a little demanding. I'm really starting to question your views about relationships based on your posts the last couple of weeks. Agreed OP is coming across demanding....but nobody should ever "roll over" - you make it sound so black and white. Its NEVER black and white. 6
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Once you get into a serious relationship, it's not going to less drama, it's eventually going to be ALL drama because no one who is serious about you is going to be cool with it. It’s also going to set off many red flags in the person’s head early in the relationship. I personally don’t think it’s right to keep anyone in the picture that you’ve been with before, a person is also not just a friend if you’ve been intimate with them. Trust is important, but it's something that needs to be earned. It ultimately comes down putting yourself in your significant other's shoes and treating them how you would want to be treated. If you are doing anything that you would be uncomfortable with your partner doing, it’s wrong. There can’t be any double standards. One thing that I can never understand is the person that wants to be in a relationship, but then they want to act single still. They don’t want to show any commitment or compromise if an issue arises. They usually say something along the lines “I’m not giving up anything”. Well there’s a reason why they are supposedly your SIGNIFICANT OTHER. They should come before friends, otherwise they are not significant. EX's are not friends, they are just waiting for their next chance and by doing so it automatically voids the word "platonic" from said friendship. 1
marcjb Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 So in other words, anytime anything ever happens that makes your partner uncomfortable, you should roll over and stop at the drop of a hat in order to please her. That's basically what I am hearing. You sound a little demanding. No, it's obviously a case by case basis and wanting to keep your EX or your past in the present and future is a huge red flag for a new relationship. 1
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