Basher1029 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Hello, I'm new to this site, actually, I've never become a member of any site before so please bare with me if I'm making any rookie mistakes. I'm in need of some serious advice that is genuine and respectful regarding my dilemma. I'll try to make things concise and to the point. I've been with my girlfriend for a little over two years. When we began dating I was separated from my wife (since have become divorced). I'm 42 and my gf is 30 do a 12 year age difference which has never bothered either of us. So the issue was that when we began dating after about two months she told me that she was addicted to drugs...opiates to be exact. I was clueless to the whole drug world, however, I knew that I was falling in love with her and certainly did not want to leave her. For about 18 months she tried to get off the drugs on her own but failed with every attempt. She finally checked into a treatment center 4 months ago and is doing very well...she's a completely different person (for the better) and I love her even more. So here is the problem... While she was using for the 18 months after I found out, she would drink...then lie about her whereabouts and on a few occasions she would cheat on me. I would always find out, get very upset and leave her. I did allot of research regarding addicts and what they do and this type of behavior is typical. When addicted to booze and drugs, making clear and meaningful decisions is not really possible. Knowing this, after I calmed down I would always go back to her. As stupid as this may sound, she was a great person until she got into the booze and drugs. So the last time she cheated, I gave her an ultimatum. I said you need to get your life together which includes rehab and if you choose not to then I'll have no choice but to walk away. I told her to think about what she wanted out of life and to make a decision that was hers and hers alone. After much soul searching and time apart, she made the decision to go to rehab and change her life. She was extremely remorseful to me and to other friends and family members that she hurt along the way. These past four months have been very good for her. She's becoming the person she always had within her. I've remained with her and have been very supportive of her journey. She is very grateful to me for not leaving and for being by her side. I am well aware that over the next year that she is in the treatment facility the focus needs to be about her recovery, which i why I am not discussing this with her. Trust was my issue and I'm trying very hard to deal with this issue. Over the past month a few things have come up that any normal guy in a normal relationship would likely not even bat an eyelash about. I discovered that after an aa/na meeting, she walked back to her house (which is the treatment facility for women...where she lives for the year) with a guy from the meeting. She lied and said she was just talking with some "people" from the meeting. I discovered this because that day she was a little down so I decided to drive to her meeting a surprise her with flowers. When I saw her walking with the guy I just left. I also discovered recently that she has texted and spoken on the phone with the same guy...and in her cell phone she does not have his name associated with his number so all that shows up is the number. I discovered this when she called him while we were together in the car driving...she was asking him a legitimate question. When I confronted her about both situations, she admitted to lying and said it was becasue she was fearful of my reaction. I told her she needed to trust that telling the truth is better than lying, especially if the situations in question were innocent. Then tonight, I discovered on Facebook that she made a comment about a guy friend's picture (different guy than in previous situations) stating that she thought he was very attractive. When I confronted her about this she said she was just complimenting him back because her told her that she was attractive. Now I understand that all of the above situations are actually quite petty and shouldn't upset me. Yet they have upset me because of our past...yet the past was drug and alcohol based. So I'm trying to let her earn back my trust, yet these few ridiculous lies have yet again made that a difficult task. So my question to you folks is this...should I continue to be there and be supportive and remain in this relationship? I am very much in love with her and I do feel that the wait and all of the ups and downs will be worth it. I guess I'm just looking for any respectful advice anyone would like to give me? Thanks you to anyone who took the time to read this and offer me some advice.
MrMeh Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 You're supposed to be her partner primarily, not her savior.
CarrieT Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Are you attending Al-Anon? Having come from a relationship with an abuser, I highly recommend it. You are a classic enabler (as I was). You have to ask if the ups-and-downs are worth it if it has brought you to a point where you are now where you are questioning the whole relationship on an internet chat forum. I am guessing not... You are having doubts. It does not sound like a healthy relationship, despite your love for the woman. She has an addiction problem and even though the opiates are no longer her drug of choice, the attention she receives has replaced that addiction. It sounds like she is still not ready to be in a relationship because she does not love herself enough. As long as she craves and seeks attention from others, she is still an addict and not capable of having a healthy one-on-one relationship.
Author Basher1029 Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Are you attending Al-Anon? Having come from a relationship with an abuser, I highly recommend it. You are a classic enabler (as I was). You have to ask if the ups-and-downs are worth it if it has brought you to a point where you are now where you are questioning the whole relationship on an internet chat forum. I am guessing not... You are having doubts. It does not sound like a healthy relationship, despite your love for the woman. She has an addiction problem and even though the opiates are no longer her drug of choice, the attention she receives has replaced that addiction. It sounds like she is still not ready to be in a relationship because she does not love herself enough. As long as she craves and seeks attention from others, she is still an addict and not capable of having a healthy one-on-one relationship. Thank-you CarrieT for your reply...it was greatly appreciated. I began attending Al-Anon about a month ago. The last thing I want to become or continue to be is an enabler. It's definitely not good for me if I continue. You bring up a good point about her desire for attention. I'm thinking about completely giving her this time in recovery to focus on her and her life. I will do the same and just focus on regaining my life and focusing on my life. I'll be there for her should she need legitimate help and I'll always be supportive of her recovery. I guess the old saying that "if you love someone then set them free...if they love you then they'll find their way back to you" (or something like that) is appropriate for our situation? Can you give me some insight as to how you were able to move away from the role of enabler (aside from the Al-Anon meetings) and be able to remain focused on you rather than on your partner? Feel free to tell me that I'm asking too personal of a question if I've crossed the line...I'm just seeking advice and it sounds like we've walked similar paths. Thanks for your advice thus far.
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