Met a really cool guy - and my friend is a hater.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

So, I've recently moved in with my best friend. We get along, but two females together ehhh...

 

Anyway, she takes me to this gas station that I've never been to a couple weeks ago. She told me there was a really nice looking indian guy in here. I asked her why she didn't ask him out and what not. She goes about her typical, "I hate men. I will never bow down to a man or a relationship."

She has a few...issues.

 

So we go inside, and sure enough.. the guy is really cute. We order and get out.

 

Couple days later come back to the same store.

 

Same guy at the counter. I noticed a common interest and so at check-out I just asked him what was up with the shirt he was wearing. The shirt answer spiraled into an hour long convo about comics. My friend tried so desperately to stay in the convo, but she didn't know enough... and he really wasn't interested in her. At the end of the convo, I asked his name. He told me.

 

When outside, my friend just freaked out. She couldn't believe that I'd gotten a nice convo and a name after being in there a couple times vs. her months of pining over this guy. She kept saying I had "balls of steel"

I just seen a fellow geek and went with it. I just told her that she should have asked..

 

I could hear the hate in her voice... and she kept including herself in future endeavors, like... "Well, I'm gonna be like - Hey so-and-so!!" the next time we go in. But... why? You've been seeing him around for months and months and never once asked his name. Ugh.

 

So I visit the store again one day. We have another hour long convo about the same subject matter. A decent looking blonde comes in, tries to push herself in the conversation, and gets shut down because she didn't sincerely contribute any info about comics. He just dismissed her and continued talking to me. I was really surprised. By now, I have a crush on this guy. He's really interesting - we like the same things - and the whole time I can tell he is attracted to me, but he isn't trying to be all on me.

Either way, I gotta make this guy my friend. His conversation is just refreshing. I asked his age before I left. He told me.

 

So, I come back home - smiling. My friend is all, "You went to the store didn't you? I'm never gonna be able to go in there again without staying for hours. Blahblah" ... I'm not really sure how to respond. I told her the info I got. She was amazed and asked me just how much i wanted to know about this guy. She played it off like it was a joke, but her tone wasn't matching up. So, that whole week after that she avoided the store like the plague. She will drive 10-15 miles out of the way to the next store than to drive right down the road. I ask if she wants to go to the store, she refuses.

 

Today, I got the nerve to ask him if he was on the same website I'm on and if he was interested in befriending me. I was fully prepared to write down my info, but he took it upon himself to write down his info and tell me what to look for to make sure I got the right page.

 

I really like this guy - as a friend first and foremost, but my friend is really hating me because I guess she sees that he's actually interested in me. I don't care either way, I just enjoy his conversation and company...

It's starting to cause a riff. Thoughts?

[jbelle6]

So, I've recently moved in with my best friend. We get along, but two females together ehhh...

 

Anyway, she takes me to this gas station that I've never been to a couple weeks ago. She told me there was a really nice looking indian guy in here. I asked her why she didn't ask him out and what not. She goes about her typical, "I hate men. I will never bow down to a man or a relationship."

She has a few...issues.

 

So we go inside, and sure enough.. the guy is really cute. We order and get out.

 

Couple days later come back to the same store.

 

Same guy at the counter. I noticed a common interest and so at check-out I just asked him what was up with the shirt he was wearing. The shirt answer spiraled into an hour long convo about comics. My friend tried so desperately to stay in the convo, but she didn't know enough... and he really wasn't interested in her. At the end of the convo, I asked his name. He told me.

 

When outside, my friend just freaked out. She couldn't believe that I'd gotten a nice convo and a name after being in there a couple times vs. her months of pining over this guy. She kept saying I had "balls of steel"

I just seen a fellow geek and went with it. I just told her that she should have asked..

 

I could hear the hate in her voice... and she kept including herself in future endeavors, like... "Well, I'm gonna be like - Hey so-and-so!!" the next time we go in. But... why? You've been seeing him around for months and months and never once asked his name. Ugh.

 

So I visit the store again one day. We have another hour long convo about the same subject matter. A decent looking blonde comes in, tries to push herself in the conversation, and gets shut down because she didn't sincerely contribute any info about comics. He just dismissed her and continued talking to me. I was really surprised. By now, I have a crush on this guy. He's really interesting - we like the same things - and the whole time I can tell he is attracted to me, but he isn't trying to be all on me.

Either way, I gotta make this guy my friend. His conversation is just refreshing. I asked his age before I left. He told me.

 

So, I come back home - smiling. My friend is all, "You went to the store didn't you? I'm never gonna be able to go in there again without staying for hours. Blahblah" ... I'm not really sure how to respond. I told her the info I got. She was amazed and asked me just how much i wanted to know about this guy. She played it off like it was a joke, but her tone wasn't matching up. So, that whole week after that she avoided the store like the plague. She will drive 10-15 miles out of the way to the next store than to drive right down the road. I ask if she wants to go to the store, she refuses.

 

Today, I got the nerve to ask him if he was on the same website I'm on and if he was interested in befriending me. I was fully prepared to write down my info, but he took it upon himself to write down his info and tell me what to look for to make sure I got the right page.

 

I really like this guy - as a friend first and foremost, but my friend is really hating me because I guess she sees that he's actually interested in me. I don't care either way, I just enjoy his conversation and company...

It's starting to cause a riff. Thoughts?

 

 

 

You guys are friends so I think she'll get over it. Sounds like she had a huge crush though so be sensitive to her as well. She's your friend first. Happy for you about the guy though!

 

Make sure he's nice to her and gets that she hangs out too sometimes and it will all be good. Good luck!

[Priv]

Seems bro's before ho's does not apply to the opposite sex.

 

 

Come on. Your best friend and roommate is going to the gas station for ages trying to find the nerve to talk to the cute guy she is smitten with and you come in and 'steal' him away in a visit. You should know better.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Seems bro's before ho's does not apply to the opposite sex.

 

 

Come on. Your best friend and roommate is going to the gas station for ages trying to find the nerve to talk to the cute guy she is smitten with and you come in and 'steal' him away in a visit. You should know better.

 

 

This. I would never do that to a friend, let alone best friend. You knew she was crushing and pining over him. I just feel like you were partly getting off on the thrill of competing with your friend. I would see it a little differently if he was pursuing you but you basically made all the moves. Ugh

[Keenly]

This. I would never do that to a friend, let alone best friend. You knew she was crushing and pining over him. I just feel like you were partly getting off on the thrill of competing with your friend. I would see it a little differently if he was pursuing you but you basically made all the moves. Ugh

 

She's been going there for months, and she didn't even know the dudes name

Its pretty safe to say that was never going to happen.

 

 

The bros before hos rule doesn't apply to complete strangers.

[Baller25]

She's been going there for months, and she didn't even know the dudes name

Its pretty safe to say that was never going to happen.

 

 

The bros before hos rule doesn't apply to complete strangers.

 

I agree, plus the 'bros before hoes' rule does have conditions, if the bro doesn't pursuit the girl in reasonable time and effort then all rules are off. If I ever had a friend that was crushing on a girl and didn't either get her number or get the shoot down within maybe 2 months then I'd go for the girl myself if I was interested.

 

Also your friend doesn't sound like the type of girl that would be a good girlfriend, she seems uber-feminist (in a man bashing kind of way).

 

Maybe ask your friend to just ask for his number while both of you are there. After he shoots her down then she'll see that she isn't for him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She's been going there for months, and she didn't even know the dudes name

Its pretty safe to say that was never going to happen.

 

 

The bros before hos rule doesn't apply to complete strangers.

 

Disagree. There are soooo many other guys around. Did she have to so heavily pursue her friend's crush? She basically threw herself at him

 

If she was a real friend, she would have gone up to the guy and introduced her friend. She doesn't seem to care about her friend's feelings at all.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Lol.

 

To defend myself and elaborate about my best friend for a sec...

 

She hates men. She has never had an inkling to give a guy a chance at a relationship. There have actually been a couple guys that seemed interested - she shut it down. Even when she crushes on a guy, it never goes past just that - a crush/friendship. So as far as the "bros before hos" thing, I don't really see how it applies here considering she vows to never even attempt to establish a romantic relationship with a man. Those are her words, and she absolutely refuses to entertain the thought.

 

She doesn't take care of herself hygienically, and refuses to "conform" to society's norm for women.

 

She makes fun of me all the time about how long I take to get ready, the fact that I put on makeup, and says I have an "aura" about me that makes guys turn their heads..

She just refuses to give any of it a chance...

 

So, how selfish of it of her to be mad at me for pursing a guy that she never talked to or would in the first place?

 

And for the record, it was no thrill involved. I actually was trying to be a wingman for her for once, but she laid it all on my shoulders because she couldn't lie her way into the convo and act like she knew what we were talking about...

turns out he is a really interesting person... I would like to just pursue friendship. Sure, he is hot.. but I want a relationship that is based off of friendship and trust first. My point is, she insists it has gone to the relationship phase because I admitted I find him attractive. Now she's tightlipped and refuses to go to the store at all... even with me. I've tried to explain it to her, but she still stays stubborn. She says, "I think you guys need to establish a relationship before I go there again."

 

 

But it isn't like that. I could see it going there, but like I said, I just want a friendship..

 

Hope that clarifies and you guys stop bashing me lol...

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I agree, plus the 'bros before hoes' rule does have conditions, if the bro doesn't pursuit the girl in reasonable time and effort then all rules are off. If I ever had a friend that was crushing on a girl and didn't either get her number or get the shoot down within maybe 2 months then I'd go for the girl myself if I was interested.

 

Also your friend doesn't sound like the type of girl that would be a good girlfriend, she seems uber-feminist (in a man bashing kind of way).

 

Maybe ask your friend to just ask for his number while both of you are there. After he shoots her down then she'll see that she isn't for him.

You pegged it from go.

 

So, now I am kind of offended because she's hating on me. It isn't my fault we both find each other attractive and share a common interest that we can talk about for over 30 minutes...The thing is though.. she just witnessed the natural chemistry/energy we had while talking. It wasn't like I was drooling over him, and he wasn't complimenting me in anyway except for the knowledge that I have in comics...

 

How can she lay claim on anything that she's not willing to shoot for? :/

 

IMO, she had ample chance. I am not super confident by a long shot, but if I am THAT interested, I'd muster up the courage...

[HappyLove]

Hmmm, this is tricky I see all sides as having a point. If I was crushing on a guy, which by the way the friend wasn't crushing THAT HARD, she just said he was cute, but anywho if I was crushing and my friend got the details after having more guts than me I'd be pretty salty about it...if I was 16! As a grown woman let's admit this friend would most likely have NEVER EVER said anything and he wasn't into her enough to say anything either so I'd just wish my friend the best. Would it still sting, yes but this doesn't even seem like it was a huge crush just an awareness of a cute guy. So I'd give you a pass especially since you two have so much in common and you had the guts to go for it. If she was talking bout this guy all the time and pining after him and making sure she was extra cute when seeing him then yes you'd be wrong but this doesn't seem the case. Still be sensitive to your friend and don't throw it in her face.

[Keenly]

Disagree. There are soooo many other guys around. Did she have to so heavily pursue her friend's crush? She basically threw herself at him

 

If she was a real friend, she would have gone up to the guy and introduced her friend. She doesn't seem to care about her friend's feelings at all.

The next time you find some one that you connect with ES, pretend you are in this situation.

 

 

Then I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself "There are so many other guys around."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Hmmm, this is tricky I see all sides as having a point. If I was crushing on a guy, which by the way the friend wasn't crushing THAT HARD, she just said he was cute, but anywho if I was crushing and my friend got the details after having more guts than me I'd be pretty salty about it...if I was 16! As a grown woman let's admit this friend would most likely have NEVER EVER said anything and he wasn't into her enough to say anything either so I'd just wish my friend the best. Would it still sting, yes but this doesn't even seem like it was a huge crush just an awareness of a cute guy. So I'd give you a pass especially since you two have so much in common and you had the guts to go for it. If she was talking bout this guy all the time and pining after him and making sure she was extra cute when seeing him then yes you'd be wrong but this doesn't seem the case. Still be sensitive to your friend and don't throw it in her face.

I agree.

 

So let's just say I DO hangout with guy outside of the store. Am I gonna have to sneak around to spare her feelings? We really haven't talked in like 2 days. (This + another blow-up that semi-stemmed from this) I do not want to ruin our friendship, but I'm not going to let a tantrum run my life, either. I am an adult... I think she should just be normal/happy - we met a fellow geek.

[Anela]

You sound like you don't like your friend, from the way you describe her. She must like men, if she's crushed on them - her bluster probably comes from insecurity. She probably anticipates rejection. Just because a couple of guys were interested, that doesn't mean that she was attracted to them.

 

Why not change the conversation to something she could discuss? She tried desperately to stay in the conversation, so you do something to help her. She's your friend.

[mammasita]

The friend clearly said she hated men, and based on the elaboration of the the OP about her BFF, she didn't even TRY to speak with this guy for over a month and is now upset because OP struck up a convo with the cute guy at the gas station.

 

I don't think she did anything wrong.

[HappyLove]

I agree.

 

So let's just say I DO hangout with guy outside of the store. Am I gonna have to sneak around to spare her feelings? We really haven't talked in like 2 days. (This + another blow-up that semi-stemmed from this) I do not want to ruin our friendship, but I'm not going to let a tantrum run my life, either. I am an adult... I think she should just be normal/happy - we met a fellow geek.

 

Sounds like you two have underlying issues and this incident is magnifying everything. I definitely wouldn't invite him back to the house if your friend is so hurt and I'd stop bringing him up.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

You sound like you don't like your friend, from the way you describe her. She must like men, if she's crushed on them - her bluster probably comes from insecurity. She probably anticipates rejection. Just because a couple of guys were interested, that doesn't mean that she was attracted to them.

 

Why not change the conversation to something she could discuss? She tried desperately to stay in the conversation, so you do something to help her. She's your friend.

 

"I am attracted to men, but I f***ing hate them. I will never bow down to one. ever."

 

I have offered to set her up.. she refused.

 

I did direct it. We started talking on hypercubes and dimensions. He brought the conversation back to comics...After that, I became engrossed in the conversation and she had became bored.

 

I love my friend, but there is some deep seeded anger/resentment toward her because she is mad at me. It is her own fault she doesn't have a date. She says she chooses so, and will not admit that love may not be so terrible. So I am expected to leave every guy she finds attractive alone? IMO, someone who refuses to reflect on self and returns it in anger has no place in my life.

 

She is so engulfed in the fact that she is "original" and "Does what she wants" that she can't see that she's slowly pushing every human being away and ruining her life in the process. Why try to be "you" so much to the fact that you are too lazy to get up and look outside?

 

The fact that she doesn't want to change is the reason why she doesn't want a man, and she doesn't want to do the things that most men expect.. IE: Hold a job, take a shower, dress up, brush your hair and teeth...

 

she didn't use to be like this. she claims she didn't love herself that way, and constantly sought acceptance. Hmm...ok.

 

I've tried to include her - she doesn't want to be included.

 

SO I have determined that her anger and shutting me out is her way of putting up with her own guilt for not pursuing LIFE. Get up, get out - GET something.

 

It is harsh, but I am angry because she insists on trying to drag me down with her. (not just with this incident) I refuse.

 

In her eyes, I am just like the rest of the peon women who center themselves around attractiveness because I like to wear eyeliner and get my nails done.

Edited June 2, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Baller25]

You pegged it from go.

 

So, now I am kind of offended because she's hating on me. It isn't my fault we both find each other attractive and share a common interest that we can talk about for over 30 minutes...The thing is though.. she just witnessed the natural chemistry/energy we had while talking. It wasn't like I was drooling over him, and he wasn't complimenting me in anyway except for the knowledge that I have in comics...

 

How can she lay claim on anything that she's not willing to shoot for? :/

 

IMO, she had ample chance. I am not super confident by a long shot, but if I am THAT interested, I'd muster up the courage...

 

Rather than seeing guys individually she did the sexist thing and grouped us all together, making the acts of a few guys seem like it was by all guys as a whole. She's still naturally attracted to men so she can't help herself on the crushing but still hates guys, as well as the women that guys want, yourself included . I knew she was that type as soon as I read the "I'm attracted to men but ****ing hate them" part. There seem to be so many of those types around.

 

Do you think this is a one-off, or do you think you will have problems with every guy that comes through the door? If she thinks that you're a peon for wearing makeup what does she think of guys — does she know that the only reason us guys actually do anything constructive is to attract girls? If anything it's us guys that are peons. Maybe we're all peons, so what's the big deal.

Edited June 2, 2014 by Baller25

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rather than seeing guys individually she did the sexist thing and grouped us all together, making the acts of a few guys seem like it was by all guys as a whole. She's still naturally attracted to men so she can't help herself on the crushing but still hates guys, as well as the women that guys want, yourself included . I knew she was that type as soon as I read the "I'm attracted to men but ****ing hate them" part. There seem to be so many of those types around.

 

Do you think this is a one-off, or do you think you will have problems with every guy that comes through the door? If she thinks that you're a peon for wearing makeup what does she think of guys — does she know that the only reason us guys actually do anything constructive is to attract girls? If anything it's us guys that are peons. Maybe we're all peons, so what's the big deal.

My ex, whom I'm still friendly with, mentioned that.. Ick... I've known her for so many years and it never went there. Then again, I never lived with her either. Oh such a mess...

 

But, anyway... I honestly think that it isn't that important to her, but now that she found out how cool he is - it is..

 

I don't want to stop talking to him, but I don't wanna get kicked out either..

[Keenly]

This sounds like a no win situation.

 

 

I'm getting the impression that given the choice , he would choose you. However your room mate would get mad at you even though you are not responsible for who he chooses to date.

[stillafool]

To be honest it doesn't seem like you really like this girl so why don't you just end your friendship and be done. If you guys are older than 16 I'd be really surprised.

[pteromom]

You should pursue your friendship with this guy. Sounds like you have a lot in common and it could end up being something amazing, whether it is just friendship or something more.

 

Compare that to your girl friend, who you don't really seem to have much of a deep connection with.

 

He has no connection with her. She has been crushing on him from afar, but hasn't done ANYTHING to create connection. And when she did try to get into the conversation, he just wasn't into her - he was interested in talking with YOU.

 

She had her chance, and didn't take it. Furthermore, she doesn't WANT it... so she has no claim to him.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Update:

 

So, I've decided to slack off going into the store. He was starting to look a little too cute for me.

 

Thing is, we are friends on this website, but he hardly ever visits it or uses a client to chat. Now what? So I HAVE to come in there and talk to him to strike up a convo? Ugh.. I don't know what to say in person - I stammer and struggle with confidence..

 

My friend found out that he gave me his "net info". Well, she actually asked. We haven't been able to talk in the last couple days due to schedules, so I don't know how she feels about it.

[MikeyBe]

Kind of a tough situation here OP. As far as the guy, sounds like you've got it handled even if you've got some confidence problems. You've already sparked conversation; found a common interest. Sounds like at the very least you two can become friends. It won't be hard to take it to the next level; i.e. exchange numbers, hang out, what have you. Just continue to talk to him. You're doing fine there.

 

 

 

As for your friend, you already know she has issues and I can understand why you're upset with how she's acting.

 

I have to point out though, that this sounds like she has serious problems:

The fact that she doesn't want to change is the reason why she doesn't want a man, and she doesn't want to do the things that most men expect.. IE: Hold a job, take a shower, dress up, brush your hair and teeth...

 

she didn't use to be like this. she claims she didn't love herself that way, and constantly sought acceptance. Hmm...ok.

 

You do say she is your best friend. I'm not saying you should let her drag you down or its your place to help her if she doesn't want it but if that were my best friend I'd be very, very concerned for her well being. And the cute guy at the store wouldn't be a priority. JMO.

[waiting4u]

It sounds like you're thriving a bit on "winning" this guy - and the animosity from your friend is an unwanted side effect. I totally get it. I have uh problems in that area as well lol. Unfortunately, I think it's common for women to compete over men, as society tells us our entire self-worth is dependent on our desirability. This is, of course, BS, but I understand the tendency to act that way, especially when you are young.

 

Roommates are difficult. I think you might either consider finding yourself a different living situation or making it a rule to establish personal boundaries with roommates, such that you aren't spending 24 hours a day with the person. You need to maintain a separate social circle from the person with whom you live.

 

Go for the guy if you want, but what are you going to do if things work out with him? It's only going to get worse at home.

[gaius]

Yeah, now that you publicly embarrassed your friend you don't even want to make the effort anymore to talk to this guy? =/ That's messed up.

 

I don't even get why you would feel competitive with a girl that has hygeine problems.