joodee Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 I want to pose this question to all who read this forum: how are you dealing with Valentines Day, or Weekend, if you follow all the promotions for this day? I got into a big fight with my MM about it, basically I told him I've got a real problem celebrating while he is still not doing anything about his marriage. We've been together on and off for a year and a half now, we celebrated last year in a big way, spent the whole day together, roses, dinner, movies, etc. Then weeks later I found a Valentine's card from his wife...he and his wife don't live together, and he keeps claiming there's nothing between them. I also found out he "celebrated" Valentine's Day on Feb. 13th withe another OW. So...I told him I can't stomach celebrating a holiday about love when he's probably planning on celebrating with others and hiding it from me. He denied that. We are not speaking right now (which is fine by me cause I dont' want this day to be a mockery of relationships...this might be a way to end it once and for all with my MM! Take note of that...) Anyway, I would love feedback about how you all are handling Valentine's Day with your MM, what are you feeling, how you are dealing, etc. It would help me alot. Thanks.
LadyRLD Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 Hi JooDee. I know how you feel. My birthday is tomorrow Feb.12 and that damn Valentines is coming up. So I have two days that I won't hear from him or my family. So I am totally alone but I am doing fine. I just live by this motto. "Out of site, out of mind". I am going to celebrate Valentine's by taking myself out and maybe going on a few dates with guys that I probably won't see again but at least I will have fun. Don't think about him. Think about yourself. Treat yourself like you would want a respectful gentleman to treat you. Don't let thoughts of him and his heartless endeavors keep you from smiling :0). Spend this weekend taking a break from thoughts of him and think about yourself. Since he seems to be selfish and only cares about himself then you will have to be selfish for a change. The only person that can make you happy is you :0) Another human being is not worth being sad over especially when they don't have seem to have any respect for you or themselves. Make yourself Number One. Don't let any one else make you a number two, three, four etc, etc. Turn off your phone too. Don't answer any calls from him until the 15th. Then when he asks what you did on the weekend, just say you had a great time and leave it at that. I bet that would get him thinking :0) Turn the tables. Look at him like he's your side dish until your main course comes along.
tattoomytoe Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 Get an SM- single man. he can be all yours!
LadyRLD Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 Sometimes it can be hard to get a single man. They are just as busy being single as the MM is at being married :0). I think a lot of us mess with MMs because if you really look at it, they make themselves more available than the single guys sometimes. So it's a hit and miss with any man. But MMs are bad news period. You have to keep playing games to keep them around. They prey on single woman with low self-esteem. It's better to deal with this bull with a single guy. At least he may be open to change. MMs aren't. They are set in their ways. Nothing will change them. Since your MM is still in your blood, try to get him out of your system slowly. Dating single guys may help. Don't get discouraged if they don't call you back just keep movin on till you find the right single guy. In the meantime, detox the MM out of your system. It's not easy but so isn't anything in this world we live in. You can do it!!!
Leaf Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Yup, this is the worst day of the year. See at Christmas and stuff I spend it with my family so my mind is occupied. Valentines Day is like a gigantic reminder that we arent together. The day wont be tough as I will be busy, ect.. but night time will be torturous... I predict a date with Ben and Jerry's.
izzybelle Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 yes, it's gonna suck. too many reminders of the plans that we had made last year for this year that just ain't gonna happen. and i too, predict a date with ben and jerry's or perhaps bailey's this evening. although my favorite comfort food lately is haagen-dazs pinapple coconut, but the containers almost empty
izzybelle Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 most times when i've posted here i've stated that i hate the situation but not him... today i hate him. tomorrow i'll go back to "normal" but today.... i hope his Valentine's Day sucks! ok...now i feel much better!!!! just had to get that off my chest!
MsMree Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 I feel exactly the same way - it's when i feel like this i wish to God it would last more than a f'g day!! BECAUSE when i feel like this i end it. ONLY TO FEEL BETTER IN A DAY OR TWO!!! And since he is always feel'g as bad as me... well, you all get the picture. I will tell him i will talk to him tomorrow - i'm just not in the mood for him today. p.s. Of course i'm wondering what W got, or how many cards - I CAN'T EVEN GO THERE!! I recv'd a cute picture that he drew for me which normally would melt my heart - BUT NOT TODAY! I'm feel'n a little better myself
Bubbles Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Firstly.......before I make my comment on this post. I am an OW. Here's my comment.....stop waiting for the MM to leave his wife! Dammitt!!!! What in the world are you thinking? I for one could NEVER EVER trust him! Considering what he is doing with me? No Way Man! I care about my MM but I am proud to say that I have this affair in complete perspective! It IS what is IS. Physical......nothing more nothing less. He needs someone to make him feel like he's capitain Wonderful for 2 - 3 hours every week - so I make him feel wonderful. That's my job. I have been the OW for almost 3 years now. I FEAR the day he says he left his wife. bubbles
izzybelle Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 bubbles, there may be others that also have their affairs in perspective, but allow us to be sad and vent a little on valentine's day. nothing wrong with a little of that every once in a while. as for me, i'm an exOW (recovering OW?). my relationship ended almost 9 mos ago .... so i am no longer waiting for him to leave his W. although in all honesty i'd bet money on the fact that she'll leave him over the next year since that was her plan originally. but the difference with how i'm feeling today is that if he showed up at my door right now, i'd have the courage to invite him in, give him a kiss he'd never forget and kick his butt right back out the door.
Bubbles Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Sorry.....I'm sure I sounded like I don't about how the other OW are feeling. It just makes me NUTS when I hear women actually crying over the fact that their MM won't leave their wives. bubbles
izzybelle Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 i understand. in my case my MM assured me that his marriage was over, his wife's choice. they were supposed to be divorcing last summer so the last thing i expected was that his wife would want him to stick around for another year!!!! so i'm not so much crying over the fact that he didn't leave his wife, more that he agreed to try again when he had said over and over again that the marriage was done and over and that he was done trying! so i'm a bit more bitter today than i am most days. last year this time.... i thought that by today, we'd be together! grrrrrrrrr thought i might even be somewhere in the sunshine, on a warm beach enjoying the day with him. instead it's cold and rainy so....go figure!!!
MsMree Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Excuse me... But i don't think anyone complained about MM leaving their W's - and it makes me NUTS when Women who are in their relationships just so they can get laid post their opinions on here - but i suppose that is your right - just as it is your right to pass gas - BUT I BET YOU KNOW WHEN THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE, don't ya. I'm sorry your MM only likes you for what you can do for him - but at least you have that in perspective - quite frankly, we all have perspective of your 3 yr. relationship.
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by MsMree Excuse me... But i don't think anyone complained about MM leaving their W's - and it makes me NUTS when Women who are in their relationships just so they can get laid post their opinions on here - but i suppose that is your right - just as it is your right to pass gas - BUT I BET YOU KNOW WHEN THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE, don't ya. I'm sorry your MM only likes you for what you can do for him - but at least you have that in perspective - quite frankly, we all have perspective of your 3 yr. relationship. agree 150% msmree i think bubbles forgot to mention how she was spending v-day???
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by MsMree Excuse me... But i don't think anyone complained about MM leaving their W's - and it makes me NUTS when Women who are in their relationships just so they can get laid post their opinions on here - but i suppose that is your right - just as it is your right to pass gas - BUT I BET YOU KNOW WHEN THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE, don't ya. I'm sorry your MM only likes you for what you can do for him - but at least you have that in perspective - quite frankly, we all have perspective of your 3 yr. relationship. agree 150% msmree i think bubbles forgot to mention how she was spending v-day???
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Bubbles It IS what is IS. Physical......nothing more nothing less. He needs someone to make him feel like he's capitain Wonderful for 2 - 3 hours every week - so I make him feel wonderful. That's my job. I have been the OW for almost 3 years now. I FEAR the day he says he left his wife. bubbles ? bubbles ,if its just physical why haven't you ended it &found an available man? if he means nothing to you,why"make him feel like he's captain Wonderful for 2 - 3 hours every week - so I make him feel wonderful. That's my job." if i cared for a man OK, make him feel like he's the man ,but if it was just physical ,i would get mine &move on not make a job of it ,&if its such a job i hope your getting paid. &why do you fear him leaving his wife if its just physical what's that have to do with you ? as i think the wise mrspock advised once ,take the money &run.
horridpain Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Guys... I bet most married couples don't even celebrate valentine's day? I'm sure most just say "happy valentine's day" to each other at the most and then move on with the day as they normally would.
Bubbles Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Well, I'm back! I spent my valentines day alone just like every other woman here. What we need to face up to here - no matter what the MM says? IT IS ABOUT SEX......I really don't care how many times he says he loves you - it's about sex. For men? There are many different levels of sex for them. There is a huge difference between sex with love and loveless sex (physical sex). I do not have a problem spending Valentines day or Christmas day or my own birthday alone. I know my role in my MM's life. It is to provide pyhsical satisfaction to him. He stated a long time ago when we started with each other that he would NOT leave his wife or his family and I understand that. I have never asked him to leave nor do I expect him to. I back what every-one else says. If you are involved with a MM and you get to the point where you want him to be with you exclusively? You need to get out of the relationship. There are a lot of marriages out there where the sex is not good sex - But.......that does'nt mean that the guy is willing to leave. He may still love her and his family very, very much but the sex is not satisfying. Those men look outside the marriage. I'm not saying that what they are doing is "right" I am simply stating that if you know you are involved with a married man do not expect him to leave. You have NO RIGHT to that. And the reason why I have'nt found an available man is because I NO LONGER want to have a "permanant" b/friend in my life. I have given up a long time ago. I am a divorced single mom. I spent 17 years of my life doing everything for a "man" cooking, cleaning, child birth......everything!!! and for what? To be IGNORED! My emotions were ignored, my body was ignored and my heart was ignored! I am sick to death of laying down my life for someone who does'nt respect it. This way? I have NO EXPECTATIONS. I'm ready for another flaming bubbles
izzybelle Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 bubbles, no flaming from me.... first it's not my place to pass judgement and secondly you point out some things that i've been thinking about a lot lately. your situation sounds similar to mine except that i was only married for 12 years before i left. i had 2 long conversations with a male friend of mine who is in the beginning stages of divorcing and through talking to him about his honest plans for what he hopes to do over the next months, year, whatever it's really made me stop and think about my relationship with my exMM. my friend told me that i scare him, that i'm threatening. not because i'm imposing in any way, but because i'm the type of woman he could see having a relationship with and that's not what he wants. he wants to date women without the possibility of getting too involved. i told him some about my MM since i kept alluding to it and he finally put me on the spot to explain. his reaction was that it sounded very much like on some level i was doing the same thing, except that i'd never really admitted it to myself maybe. not only was he married but it was also LDR.... i don't know... i know i fell deeply in love with him, but i've begun to question whether or not i didn't want the possibility of a permanent relationship and he fit that perfectly. at the same time, i could easily picture my spending the rest of my life with him, maybe i moved past my fears and it turned into something. and now i've been dating a single man and i find myself wanting to run in the opposite direction. some of that is because i was hurt so badly last year. i think i'm back to square one again for not wanting a serious relationship.... and i have a date with him tonight, and yes, i'm terrified that he'll want a more serious long term relationship than i do! at some point i know that i will, once again, want a more permanent relationship in my life, but perhaps now.... who knows.
lynnered Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 "I spent my valentines day alone just like every other woman here. What we need to face up to here - no matter what the MM says? IT IS ABOUT SEX......I really don't care how many times he says he loves you - it's about sex. For men? There are many different levels of sex for them. There is a huge difference between sex with love and loveless sex (physical sex)". this is no flaming sweetie,first of all every situation is not like yours ,that is something through out your life you should know about any involvement its not black or white ,my experience i know my xmm loves/d me ,but I'm not going to say,every mm loves his ow ,or every mm doesn't who am i to say? you sound bitter ,angry ,the type of person who only sees things their way. i come to this forum to vent sometimes i offer an opion(like now),some advise that has worked for me ,or some words i think might help. people like you just irritate me ,but at the same time i feel sorry for you ,you really sound bitter,this forum is for"support &discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner, so i guess you fall under discussion? you think you know it all ,and every mm/ow situation is just like yours?and then you say"I'm ready for another flaming "not a flaming sweetie "discussion" I'm open minded enough to learn from someone like you . good luck !! don't piss on my parade, just because you don't have one.
Bubbles Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 lynnerd, Well sweetie I don't profess to know everything all I know is that I have been on this board for over 5 years and have kept my mouth shut about these women who fall in love with their MM men & expect them to leave their wives because the MM said I Love You. If you are having an affair with a MM it is because he is not getting what he wants at home. They are not to be beleived when they say they are going to leave. They are not to be belived!!!!!! They will say whatever it takes to get into our pants. I am NOT bitter...........I am sensible!!!! I am in this affair knowing that he will never leave. How many times do I have to be convinced of that? Let's see.......how many posts do we have going right now with the heading "When will he leave?" And do me a favour......decide wether you want to kiss me or kick me o.k.? YOU are confusing me. I irritate you but yet you want to learn from me? What do you want to learn......to face up to reality? I view myself as a very independant woman. I will not be fooled and I will never again be fooled. And by the way I'll bet MY parade is bigger and better than yours! I have the controll!!! bubbles
MsMree Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 I don't think you do have the control - i think you know your MM wants one thing and one thing only from you - that he would NEVER fall in love with you - and that you have pretended to set the rules and act like you're tough in order to not feel hurt and used. If it didn't bother you why would you come to a "support" forum for 5 yrs.? And no matter how you reply, you'll not convince me of anything else. p.s. it seems to me that you are only reading the posts that help solidify your charade.
BoatingBabe Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Why is this turning into a cat fight ??? This is ridiculous...whether you're out of it,or still involved...Everyone is hurting...they can rationalize it or not..but you guys shouldn't be turning your anger towards eachother...just my .02
Bubbles Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 You know something? You can insult me alllllll you want. I'm not hurting. I'm the one whe expects to be alone on these special holidays so that I DO NOT GET HURT and UPSET. My MM says that he loves me with all his heart.....ya sure! He loves me for what I give to him. You know something else? there a lot of OW out there who have NO expectations. I came to this forum in reply to a post. You may not beleive this but I was hoping to inspire these OW to be strong and to learn NOT to expect his attention when THEY need it. That is NOT going to happen. We need to beleive in ourselves - depend on ourselves - trust in ourselves. I am not the one pretending anything. Life is NOT a movie. 99.999% of the MM out there having affairs would agree with ME. They will not leave. If you leave them? They will replace you in a heart-beat......don't kid yourselves. I am sure that everyone's MM makes them feel like they are the most important person to the MM. But beleive this, you are only important because he has a need that you are taking care of for him. Do you think for a second that any of these men would/could come to your rescue? I'll bet not.......it's because they cannot. bubbles
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