spiderowl Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Like many others, I've been looking for a special person, a friend, lover, and long-term partner. I've been seeking that mental and emotional connection first. But, I've had a difficult life in many respects and faced challenges that most haven't. I'm also a very sensitive person, physically and mentally. I am beginning to realise that I am not going to meet someone who understands these things or who I feel is going to be right for me, so I will always feel disconnected and lonely because of that. I have a need to be close and for a physical relationship. Given that I'm not likely to meet a 'soulmate', is it time to give up on that and just seek someone reasonably nice for what will inevitably be a short-term relationship? I did try this once and started a casual relationship with a guy. I kept my feelings out of it but he started to get attached and then declared he saw me as his girlfriend. He seemed disturbed that I remained reserved and non-committal. I want a real connection but if someone isn't bright enough or can't really relate to my background or main interests, then it can only ever be short term. Is this the way to go, taking some pleasure from life while I can and trying not to get attached? I'm not talking about a casual free-for-all, but a caring relationship, just not with anyone I view as long term. What would I say to a guy who was interested in me? Currently, I say we are not compatible, but they may be attractive or really genuine. How can I make it clear what it is without either of us being hurt?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 How can I make it clear what it is without either of us being hurt? I don't think that's possible. You had 3 long paragraphs to explain to the forum what you wanted, and just made us all dizzy: Something long-term and lasting, but you'll settle for short term, but when you tried short-term he wanted long-term, but you didn't, but now you want something short term, but caring, but not long-term caring, but... My advice is not to just stop overthinking it, but stop thinking about it at all. Date all comers once. If you had fun on the date, give them a second chance. If not, next guy.
Author spiderowl Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 I don't think that's possible. You had 3 long paragraphs to explain to the forum what you wanted, and just made us all dizzy: Something long-term and lasting, but you'll settle for short term, but when you tried short-term he wanted long-term, but you didn't, but now you want something short term, but caring, but not long-term caring, but... My advice is not to just stop overthinking it, but stop thinking about it at all. Date all comers once. If you had fun on the date, give them a second chance. If not, next guy. I see what you mean. Thanks for your input. The point I was making is that I'll never find that long-term person because no-one will be on the same wavelength basically, so this is the alternative. Caring is essential, not casual. I'm not 'settling' for short term; I believe that's all it can be because of the above. Most are not suitable even for a date, but some seem nice but the relationship would not last for long.
salparadise Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I see what you mean. Thanks for your input. The point I was making is that I'll never find that long-term person because no-one will be on the same wavelength basically, so this is the alternative. Caring is essential, not casual. I'm not 'settling' for short term; I believe that's all it can be because of the above. Most are not suitable even for a date, but some seem nice but the relationship would not last for long. I think we all face similar circumstances, so it's really a matter of finding a healthy way to view it, and just keep putting yourself out there so as to keep the possibilities alive. You can't predict with any certainty who you might fall for, so go on dates both to enjoy life in the moment and to keep opening doors. I wouldn't go out with people who are obviously inappropriate, but at the same time realize that all long-term relationships begin with a first date, then a second and third. I'm finding that if I go out with people who seem like they may have potential (attraction and some initial chemistry) that I'll know within a few months (or sooner) if it does not have long-term potential. At that point you have to decide whether to keep seeing them on a casual basis or not. If you enjoy each other's company, are having a good time doing thing you both enjoy, you both have integrity and things are balanced (neither is professing eternal love and devotion), then why not continue on a casual basis? But if integrity is breached, or if the other person falls head over heels for you, or any number of other factors make it difficult, then it's probably best to move on. The argument that runs contrary to this attitude is that you're not opening the window of opportunity to finding a "soulmate" when you're dating casually, but I don't necessarily think that has to be the case. I am an older man and I'd love to find a wonderful woman, fall madly in love and live happily ever after... but in the meantime, I want to enjoy my life. That includes companionship, sexuality, a trusted friend and confidant. It's not a black and white kind of thing. I don't think there is any law saying that if everything is not perfect then you must suffer. I love amazing food and wine, but the reality is, sometimes I eat a sandwich and I try to enjoy that too.
Frank2thepoint Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 The point I was making is that I'll never find that long-term person because no-one will be on the same wavelength basically, so this is the alternative. Caring is essential, not casual. I'm not 'settling' for short term; I believe that's all it can be because of the above. Most are not suitable even for a date, but some seem nice but the relationship would not last for long. Positivity is gushing out of you like a geyser. I'm being sarcastic. When you say "I'll never find that long-term person because no-one will be on the same wavelength basically", you're really obstructing yourself from finding a long-term person, because you've built up this wall to protect yourself. You aren't giving anyone a chance to connect with you. The best example is the guy you mentioned in your initial post. He wanted to connect with you, but you didn't allow it. 1
Author spiderowl Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 I think we all face similar circumstances, so it's really a matter of finding a healthy way to view it, and just keep putting yourself out there so as to keep the possibilities alive. You can't predict with any certainty who you might fall for, so go on dates both to enjoy life in the moment and to keep opening doors. I wouldn't go out with people who are obviously inappropriate, but at the same time realize that all long-term relationships begin with a first date, then a second and third. I'm finding that if I go out with people who seem like they may have potential (attraction and some initial chemistry) that I'll know within a few months (or sooner) if it does not have long-term potential. At that point you have to decide whether to keep seeing them on a casual basis or not. If you enjoy each other's company, are having a good time doing thing you both enjoy, you both have integrity and things are balanced (neither is professing eternal love and devotion), then why not continue on a casual basis? But if integrity is breached, or if the other person falls head over heels for you, or any number of other factors make it difficult, then it's probably best to move on. The argument that runs contrary to this attitude is that you're not opening the window of opportunity to finding a "soulmate" when you're dating casually, but I don't necessarily think that has to be the case. I am an older man and I'd love to find a wonderful woman, fall madly in love and live happily ever after... but in the meantime, I want to enjoy my life. That includes companionship, sexuality, a trusted friend and confidant. It's not a black and white kind of thing. I don't think there is any law saying that if everything is not perfect then you must suffer. I love amazing food and wine, but the reality is, sometimes I eat a sandwich and I try to enjoy that too. You are right, I'm not the only one who feels like this. I don't trust people so keep a mental distance. I don't want to reveal my inner feelings, thoughts, fears, only to have some idiot pass them on to the world because I misjudged him. I guess I don't see a lot of people as intelligent or competent when it comes to being interesting to talk to or being discreet. It does cause problems. Honestly, I have tried dating but I get a sense beforehand of if we're likely to be on the same wavelength and inevitably I've found that we're not and it's hard work. Either I end up listening to them and being understanding, or they ask inappropriate questions or say stupid things. I've given up meeting guys for dates as result. I suppose it does seem more black and white to me.
Author spiderowl Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Positivity is gushing out of you like a geyser. I'm being sarcastic. When you say "I'll never find that long-term person because no-one will be on the same wavelength basically", you're really obstructing yourself from finding a long-term person, because you've built up this wall to protect yourself. You aren't giving anyone a chance to connect with you. The best example is the guy you mentioned in your initial post. He wanted to connect with you, but you didn't allow it. There is a lot of truth in that. I can't see the point in giving anyone chance if I don't feel they are interesting or intelligent enough. If they act in an insensitive manner or make jokes I don't think are very amusing, then that's it for me, I switch off. What is the point of getting at all involved with someone who lacks basic social skills? With regard to the guy, we weren't suited long term. He was not veggie, I was. I found he had a lack of empathy towards others because of the way he talked about people at work. Underneath it all, we weren't suited. I felt he was being possessive but not of me, only his bedmate. I also don't want to get emotionally involved with someone I am not physically attracted to or who is too old or too young for me; it's a futile exercise.
pteromom Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I don't trust people so keep a mental distance. I don't want to reveal my inner feelings, thoughts, fears, only to have some idiot pass them on to the world because I misjudged him. I guess I don't see a lot of people as intelligent or competent when it comes to being interesting to talk to or being discreet. It does cause problems. It will be IMPOSSIBLE for you to find the connection you want with someone, unless you get past this. So what if someone passes your inner thoughts on to the world? Are you so afraid of the world seeing who you are? Own it! There is nothing to be ashamed of. To answer your original question, sure, you can have casual things while looking for the right guy to build a LTR with. Just: - be very upfront about what you want. "This is just FWB. I am not interested in more than that." - don't get so invested in someone you don't see LTR potential with that you stop looking for the right guy. - be you, no apologies. You'll never find the right guy with that wall up. How do you see if you are on the same wavelength if you don't send out your signal? What if the guy is doing the same thing; hiding behind a wall? So what you are seeing and judging him by is just a facade, and in reality he IS on the same wavelength as you? You'll miss out! You have to just put yourself out there and see what happens. Now that doesn't mean you hand a guy your heart on a silver platter. But you DO show him who you really are.
Author spiderowl Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) It will be IMPOSSIBLE for you to find the connection you want with someone, unless you get past this. So what if someone passes your inner thoughts on to the world? Are you so afraid of the world seeing who you are? Own it! There is nothing to be ashamed of. To answer your original question, sure, you can have casual things while looking for the right guy to build a LTR with. Just: - be very upfront about what you want. "This is just FWB. I am not interested in more than that." - don't get so invested in someone you don't see LTR potential with that you stop looking for the right guy. - be you, no apologies. You'll never find the right guy with that wall up. How do you see if you are on the same wavelength if you don't send out your signal? What if the guy is doing the same thing; hiding behind a wall? So what you are seeing and judging him by is just a facade, and in reality he IS on the same wavelength as you? You'll miss out! You have to just put yourself out there and see what happens. Now that doesn't mean you hand a guy your heart on a silver platter. But you DO show him who you really are. Thanks for your comments and insight. I've become aware of this 'shutting off' problem through a recent workshop. I shut off because the guy says or does something I feel is inappropriate or stupid. I cannot relate to someone I do not trust to behave with sensitivity. I've had a lot of stress and pain in my life, for reasons I don't want to go into here, and I don't think any guy would understand that. It makes me feel cut off. I can't see the point in working at a relationship with someone I don't want to be with long term. I'd rather remain cut off and just enjoy the sensual aspect - if it was good. I don't feel it's a choice anyway; I really don't feel I'd meet a guy on the same wavelength who I'd find attractive. It seems impossible. Regarding passing on my thoughts to the world, yes it does matter to me. Trust is paramount. If he is going to pass on my thoughts and doings to the world, what kind of guy does that mean he is? If I'm going to have a fling with someone I feel is not up to par in some respect, I don't want him telling the whole world. I'd want discretion. A gentleman never tells. Edited June 8, 2014 by spiderowl
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